Wife is resisting NFP... strategies anyone?

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Hi all,

First, a little background…

My wife and I are both 30-years-old and the proud parents of two-year-old & newborn daughters. We are both practicing Catholics, but have a different approach to our faith. I am a more “hard-liner” who really trusts the Catechism, the laws of the Church, and our Church heirarchy when it comes to my faith. My wife has a much more “personal” view of faith and is more about simply being the best person you can be.

When we were first married, I was okay with using the pill. After studying more, I have learned about the aborofacient properties of using the pill and I now despise it. After the birth of our first daughter, I ordered the NFP home kit from the CCL. My wife seemed on-board for a while, but her OB-GYN convinced her otherwise. She convinced her that NFP was not reliable and that the pill is not a bad thing at all. The ensuing arguments really hurt our relationship. I relented and continue to pray for her to have a change of heart.

I love my wife too much to be okay with thinking that my soul is okay since I do not want to use the pill.

Has anyone been there? What can I do beside simply praying without damaging our relationship?

Thanks for your prayers and any suggestions you can throw my way!
 
Maybe try to approach the benefits from a HEALTH standpoint.
tcoyf.com is not a faith-based method (they actually recommend using condoms during the fertile phase, so ignore that and use abstinence), but it does approach NFP (they call it FAM - Family Awareness Method) from a HEALTH standpoint. Doctors and Midwives are cited in this book… maybe she’ll trust something like that more??? 🤷 It might be a first step!
Also, there are some good points on this page:
thepillkills.com/effects.html
thepillkills.com/points.html

HTH! 🙂
 
Emily gave you some good advice. It should be approached from a health standpoint, especially since all the recent news shows alot of health risks that result from long term use of the pill. If you have any NFP instructors in your area, see how much it costs to take a class. My wife and I took one, and it cost, I believe, $35. And we had the option of doing follow up sessions until we were comfortable. We use the Billings observation method, in conjunction with the Clear Blue fertility monitor. We’ve been successful in postponing pregnancy (we had a son 10 months ago).

Approach her with love and concern instead of with the Catechism (at least for now), and you may get better results.

Prayers for you.
 
My wife absolutely despises everything about NFP. She finds it degrading and humiliating, but yet she still does it. Why? Well, most of all because she doesn’t want to go to Hell. If your wife takes her faith seriously, pointing out that she is committing a mortal sin by using ABC might not be a bad idea.
 
A friend of mine was in the same situation you were in. They didn’t have kids, and didn’t want any, so the wife just used the pill. The husband wasn’t thrilled about it, but the more he pushed her into NFP, the more she would rebel. She didn’t want it shoved down her throat. I can’t blame her, really. Be careful, because you don’t want to sound preachy to your wife or push her further away in the faith.

Good luck.
 
Rascalking said:
A friend of mine was in the same situation you were in. They didn’t have kids, and didn’t want any, so the wife just used the pill. The husband wasn’t thrilled about it, but the more he pushed her into NFP, the more she would rebel. She didn’t want it shoved down her throat. I can’t blame her, really. Be careful, because you don’t want to sound preachy to your wife or push her further away in the faith.

Good luck.
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Exactly!
joseph123 said:
My wife absolutely despises everything about NFP. She finds it degrading and humiliating, but yet she still does it. Why? Well, most of all because she doesn’t want to go to Hell. If your wife takes her faith seriously, pointing out that she is committing a mortal sin by using ABC might not be a bad idea.
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See above - for someone who doesn’t take the laws of the faith seriously this method may only push her away more. Just be very careful.
 
When you come at her from the Church standpoint, even though it’s right, it can come across to her as offensive. Telling her she’s in mortal sin all the time won’t do alot of good - even if she knows that. I assume alot of women who are thinking about NFP for the first time are more fearful of getting pregnant when they are not ready instead of whether they’re sinning. (Any of you ladies want to comment on that?)

That’s why I agree with Emily’s advice on approaching it from a health standpoint. It’s just going to take some time. Be patient, pray for her and with her. Hopefully she will come around. Just be calm and sincere in your approach.
 
msugeotech said:
That’s why I agree with Emily’s advice on approaching it from a health standpoint. It’s just going to take some time. Be patient, pray for her and with her. Hopefully she will come around. Just be calm and sincere in your approach.
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Obviously you would have to be as delicate and tactful as possible about pointing out that ABC is a serious sin but it is the only way to convince somebody to use NFP. There is simply no reason to use NFP except for religious reasons. Why on earth would you abstain for half of the month, or abstain for months at a time unless you thought ABC was a serious sin? Health concerns might be good enough for getting her off the pill, but what about barrier methods, withdrawl, or FAM?
 
joseph123 said:
My wife absolutely despises everything about NFP. She finds it degrading and humiliating, but yet she still does it. Why? Well, most of all because she doesn’t want to go to Hell. If your wife takes her faith seriously, pointing out that she is committing a mortal sin by using ABC might not be a bad idea.
Click to expand...
I’m not sure what it is that your wife finds degrading and humiliating about NFP. Off the cuff, I can think of three possibilities. One is that she is uncomfortable with her own body and making routine observations is uncomfortable for her. I think there are two more likely possibilites: She may feel that making observations and interpreting them makes her feel like a baby-making machine rather than a person. The other is that she doesn’t want to be a “sex broker” who says, “Yes, today,” or “No, we have to wait.”

I think the very first reason is problematic outside of the issue of using NFP versus ABC.

I’m going to address the other two issues from the point of view that you are currently trying to avoid pregnancy.

If the problem is either of the later two then you, the husband, can go a long way in addressing the problem. You have to make sure that you tell her that one of the things that makes her sexually attractive is her God-given cyclic fertility. (And you have to mean it.) And you have to convince her that being willing to abstain at times is something that you want to do for the good of your marriage. (That, of course, implies that avoiding pregnancy will work to the good of the marriage.)

I could say more but it’s time to go to work…
 
Months at a time?? That’s a fertile lady!:eek:

Going from ABC to NFP was a transition for us. We didn’t get it right all the time, but we did fine and now it’s just a part of our lives. My wife will tell you she feels better not being on the pill. Research is now showing that the pill is linked to breast cancer. Her mom, who is 48, is currently undergoing chemotherapy after having a double mastectomy.

My point is that if you don’t see it as a sin, I can’t use a “sinning” argument to win you over. You have to meet people where they are in order to have a serious conversation with them. That’s why I said “approach her with love and concern instead of the Catechism, FOR NOW.”
joseph123 said:
Obviously you would have to be as delicate and tactful as possible about pointing out that ABC is a serious sin but it is the only way to convince somebody to use NFP. There is simply no reason to use NFP except for religious reasons. Why on earth would you abstain for half of the month, or abstain for months at a time unless you thought ABC was a serious sin? Health concerns might be good enough for getting her off the pill, but what about barrier methods, withdrawl, or FAM?
Click to expand...
 
Let me just say that NFP is a really bad deal for women. Avoiding sex during the fertile time of the month is cruel and unusual punishment. That’s when we women are the most INTERESTED in having sex! Imagine if you, as a man, had to refrain from sex when you wanted to have it, and were allowed to have it when you weren’t in the mood. And this is the ideal marital sex life that is “allowed” by the Catholic church? Use your brains, people. Jesus didn’t comment on birth control bc the methods we have available today didn’t exist back then. These rules have been dreamed up by an institution called the Catholic church, which is run by celibate men, who may be really smart and well-intended, but what do they know about marital sex? Theses rules have not been handed down from God.

I agree that any type of abortificant is wrong, but the pill prevents ovulation and thus avoids conception. I am just stunned that there are reasonable, educated people out there who think that they really might be condemned to Hell for using a condom.

To the guy who wrote the original post, I would urge you to trust your wife’s judgement when it comes to birth control. She sounds smart to me. Another thing: if you have a newborn baby you might want to encourage her to breastfeed exclusively. That is the most “natural” form of birth control there is, although, it is not completely reliable, so a back-up method is recommended. Here’s another tidbit on the subject:

“. . . (Fr. Richard McCormick maintains that) there are many Jesuits who do not accept the thesis that every contraceptive act is morally wrong. I can vouch for the fact that very many bishops share the same conviction. However, sadly enough, fewer and fewer are willing to say this publicly.” Thomas J. Gumbleton, Auxilliary Bishop of Detroit, in America, November 20, 1993.

And, another: Cardinal Doepfner had said in l966:
"Casti connubii is not infallible. There would be no harm in saying for once the Church had been wrong. Having learned from married couples, especially women, the Church must change so that we do not impose on others sacrifices we know in our hearts are not necessary.”
 
I’m sure this will be a shock to many, but practicing NFP is a mortal sin. It is a mortal sin in the same way that missing Mass on Sunday is a mortal sin. What I mean is, it is a mortal sin, unless the person has a good reason for doing so. Not just an excuse (“we don’t want that many kids”), but a serious reason (“we are homeless and can’t afford another child”, or “if my wife get’s pregnant she will die”). Such reasons justify the use of NFP, just as it is permitted to miss Mass on Sunday if there is a serious reason.

NFP is bring promoted today as a positive good as if it is a good in and of itself, rather than an evil which is only permitted when their is a grave necessity. The following is an excellent Sermon on NFP in which the Priest provides all the magisterial quotes that address the subject, as well as a clear explanation of the teaching of the Church.

Sermon on NFP.
 
msugeotech said:
Months at a time?? That’s a fertile lady!:eek:
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business trips, post-partum NFP, coming off of hormones ect… It isn’t uncommon to abstain for 6-7 months for me and my wife, or many couples who use NFP.
msugeotech said:
My point is that if you don’t see it as a sin, I can’t use a “sinning” argument to win you over. You have to meet people where they are in order to have a serious conversation with them. That’s why I said “approach her with love and concern instead of the Catechism, FOR NOW.”
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Yes, for now the health concerns will at least get her off of the pill.
 
My apologies. I certainly didn’t mean to come across in a negative manner - so if I did, I’m sorry. I guess we have been fortunate in our experience with NFP.
joseph123 said:
business trips, post-partum NFP, coming off of hormones ect… It isn’t uncommon to abstain for 6-7 months for me and my wife, or many couples who use NFP.
Click to expand...
 
First of all, congratulations on accepting the Church’s teaching. In addition, I applaud you for not just blowing the whole thing off as ‘the woman’s decision.’

As for help, I would emphasize to her how much you love all of her - including her fertility. Talk to her about how you would feel like she was withholding something from you if she was sterilizing herself.

I would give her “The Good News about Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West. In it, he talks about how we are called to give ourselves freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully every time we come together in the marital embrace. I’m sure there are things in there for you as well. Then, I would buy her his CD entitled “Woman, God’s Masterpiece.” It talks about authentic liberation of women. It was so empowering for me.

Finally, if none of the above works, do not be afraid to assert your right as the spiritual head of the family. Talk about Ephesians 5 in a cheritable way - explaining that you are loving her the way Christ loves his church in not allowing her to sterilize herself. Tell her that you will do everything you can to support her in learning NFP. Also, I speak from experience when I say that if all you do as a husband is ask whether or not today is a dry day, you are not supporting her in her charting. If you are abstaining, I suggest you looking at the chart and making the decision without having to ask. I say that because if you are always asking her if you can ‘do it’ today, you are always asking her to be the one to say no.

Find other ways to express your love for her when you are abstaining, and that will help, too. If she feels like the marital embrace is the only way you show her your love, she will have a very hard time with periodic abstinence. I don’t know if that’s the case, but there might be some husband out there who does have trouble showing intimacy with his wife without making love to her, and maybe it will help him. Finding other ways to show your love will really improve your marriage, but will also take some time to really learn how to do it well. Its a good thing you have a lifetime as man and wife.

God Bless,
laomath
 
msugeotech said:
My apologies. I certainly didn’t mean to come across in a negative manner - so if I did, I’m sorry. I guess we have been fortunate in our experience with NFP.
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You didn’t come across bad. It is just odd for me that there are couples who use NFP who do, on occasion, have sex. You see, you learn something new everyday. 🙂 I guess NFP can be easy depending on the circumstances but there are occasions where it becomes extremely difficult. I can’t imagine anyone being able to practice NFP without a very strong faith.
 
naturegirl said:
Let me just say that NFP is a really bad deal for women. Avoiding sex during the fertile time of the month is cruel and unusual punishment. That’s when we women are the most INTERESTED in having sex! Imagine if you, as a man, had to refrain from sex when you wanted to have it, and were allowed to have it when you weren’t in the mood. And this is the ideal marital sex life that is “allowed” by the Catholic church? Use your brains, people. Jesus didn’t comment on birth control bc the methods we have available today didn’t exist back then. These rules have been dreamed up by an institution called the Catholic church, which is run by celibate men, who may be really smart and well-intended, but what do they know about marital sex? Theses rules have not been handed down from God.

I agree that any type of abortificant is wrong, but the pill prevents ovulation and thus avoids conception. I am just stunned that there are reasonable, educated people out there who think that they really might be condemned to Hell for using a condom.

To the guy who wrote the original post, I would urge you to trust your wife’s judgement when it comes to birth control. She sounds smart to me. Another thing: if you have a newborn baby you might want to encourage her to breastfeed exclusively. That is the most “natural” form of birth control there is, although, it is not completely reliable, so a back-up method is recommended. Here’s another tidbit on the subject:

“. . . (Fr. Richard McCormick maintains that) there are many Jesuits who do not accept the thesis that every contraceptive act is morally wrong. I can vouch for the fact that very many bishops share the same conviction. However, sadly enough, fewer and fewer are willing to say this publicly.” Thomas J. Gumbleton, Auxilliary Bishop of Detroit, in America, November 20, 1993.

And, another: Cardinal Doepfner had said in l966:
"Casti connubii is not infallible. There would be no harm in saying for once the Church had been wrong. Having learned from married couples, especially women, the Church must change so that we do not impose on others sacrifices we know in our hearts are not necessary.”
Click to expand...
A few things - the pill to prevent ovulation will also prevent the “interest” you’re talking about. So if ovulation were the only time a woman was interested, then she would never have sex while on the pill.

Of course some women do ovulate while on the pill, so if the pregnancy doesn’t implant then because of the pill, then an abortion occurs. Also, some women do ovulate while on the pill, which would explain how some women get pregnant while taking it.

Now breastfeeding exclusively would be a good idea, but would not work as a long term solution.

As far as quoting priests, you can find any number of of them to tell you what you want to hear. It doesn’t mean they are right. I would agree this makes a lot of people’s lives very difficult when they are trying to navigate the teachings of our faith and follow them but hear conflicting information. It’s best to study and read, read and study. No one said it would be easy, I guess.

And for Cardinal Doepfner:

At the end of his life, Cardinal Doepfner realized the gravity of his mistake, and admitted it on German TV. On July 19, 1976, five days before his sudden death, he wrote to a friend, “the more I think about it, the more I am convinced that the pope was right after all”.
 
Yours_Truly said:
I’m sure this will be a shock to many, but practicing NFP is a mortal sin.
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I respectfully disagree. If it’s a mortal sin, then why does the Church teach it? Wanting to limit the number of children you bring into your family is a way of being responsible. You have to be able to provide for any children you bring into your life, and that is much more than just financially. I think it’s up to the individual couple as to the size of family that they feel they can “support” financially and emotionally. And that decision can be evaluated and updated constantly as circumstances change.

Just my two cents.
 
Yours_Truly said:
I’m sure this will be a shock to many, but practicing NFP is a mortal sin. It is a mortal sin in the same way that missing Mass on Sunday is a mortal sin. What I mean is, it is a mortal sin, unless the person has a good reason for doing so. Not just an excuse (“we don’t want that many kids”), but a serious reason (“we are homeless and can’t afford another child”, or “if my wife get’s pregnant she will die”). Such reasons justify the use of NFP, just as it is permitted to miss Mass on Sunday if there is a serious reason.

NFP is bring promoted today as a positive good as if it is a good in and of itself, rather than an evil which is only permitted when their is a grave necessity. The following is an excellent Sermon on NFP in which the Priest provides all the magisterial quotes that address the subject, as well as a clear explanation of the teaching of the Church.

Sermon on NFP.
Click to expand...
It may have been more clear if the underlined read “practicing NFP can be a mortal sin”. I can see where this would fit in if the OP wanted to use NFP but his wife wanted to leave it up to God, but that is not the case here. I think we have to leave it up to the couple if they prayerfully feel that NFP is necessary at this time.

You do have a point, though.
 
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