Wife more "Catholic" than husband

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Rosary_Girl_1

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Sometimes it feels like I’m “more Catholic” than my husband. Before we were married, I attended daily Mass, had a small home altar/prayer corner where I prayed every day, read the Catechism, and generally worked to know my Catholic faith better and be a better Catholic. Since we’ve been married, I feel like I’m being pulled away from being a faithful Catholic and that I’m not living the kind of Catholic life I used to lead. 😦

When we were dating, he went to daily Mass with me once in a while; now he never goes and seems to do what he can to keep me from going. When we were dating he said he wanted to read the Catechism so we could discuss it and other Catholic topics, but he finds excuses - like not having time to do it, when he has plenty of time to watch movies. When we were dating he said he wanted to pray the Rosary with me, and I even bought him one as well as a booklet on how to pray it; but now he doesn’t have time for it. He said he would like to go to the local Latin Mass, just to see what it’s like, but he makes excuses for not going. I try to watch EWTN (something I loved when I was single), but now he would rather watch things like Duck Dynasty. I would go to another room to watch it, but we only have one TV. We’ve even stopped praying together before meals.

Since being married to my husband, it feels like the fire I had for God and his Church has slowly been fading. I want that fire back, but I feel like my husband is a wet blanket. Even worse, I feel like I’ve been lied to - that the domestic life I was promised isn’t what I’m getting. I even dread having children because I would hate for them to become ‘lukewarm’ Catholics. Honestly, I feel like a big part of me is dying. He’s a good man with a good heart, but he doesn’t want to live the kind of life he told me he wanted to live when we were dating/engaged.

What can I do, besides pray? I feel like I’m doomed to spend the next 50 years in a personal hell.
 
Don’t fret about this. This obstacle requires wisdom on your part. So pray for it! You took a vow to your husband and God in your marriage, so honor it! In today’s culture, with divorce running rampant, you realy need to key in on making your marriage work. Don’t lose hope for your husband. If he is annoyed with how much your practicing your faith, back it off a little so that he’s comfortable with it and slowly start incorperating him into this life of prayer and sacraments. Strike up a conversation with him about how he feels about your participation level. Express that your concerned about his happiness and how your willing to back off a little if he’s willing to start praying with you again.

Pray for him!
Don’t leave him in the dust as it were, but hold his hand along the way. Make sure you express that you love him, and show him that your catholic life can/will nurture that love. Doing so may make him glad for the things you desire to do. God wants you to be together forever, and he wants you to become closer to Himself. Perhaps God also wants you to help your husband enter into a more personal relationship with Him.

You could be a channel of Gods grace for your husband in this time for him. Seek advice from your priest! Pray! Love God and your husband, and don’t sacrifce either one!
 
Rosary_Girl said:
Sometimes it feels like I’m “more Catholic” than my husband. Before we were married, I attended daily Mass, had a small home altar/prayer corner where I prayed every day, read the Catechism, and generally worked to know my Catholic faith better and be a better Catholic. Since we’ve been married, I feel like I’m being pulled away from being a faithful Catholic and that I’m not living the kind of Catholic life I used to lead. 😦

When we were dating, he went to daily Mass with me once in a while; now he never goes and seems to do what he can to keep me from going. When we were dating he said he wanted to read the Catechism so we could discuss it and other Catholic topics, but he finds excuses - like not having time to do it, when he has plenty of time to watch movies. When we were dating he said he wanted to pray the Rosary with me, and I even bought him one as well as a booklet on how to pray it; but now he doesn’t have time for it. He said he would like to go to the local Latin Mass, just to see what it’s like, but he makes excuses for not going. I try to watch EWTN (something I loved when I was single), but now he would rather watch things like Duck Dynasty. I would go to another room to watch it, but we only have one TV. We’ve even stopped praying together before meals.

Since being married to my husband, it feels like the fire I had for God and his Church has slowly been fading. I want that fire back, but I feel like my husband is a wet blanket. Even worse, I feel like I’ve been lied to - that the domestic life I was promised isn’t what I’m getting. I even dread having children because I would hate for them to become ‘lukewarm’ Catholics. Honestly, I feel like a big part of me is dying. He’s a good man with a good heart, but he doesn’t want to live the kind of life he told me he wanted to live when we were dating/engaged.

What can I do, besides pray? I feel like I’m doomed to spend the next 50 years in a personal hell.
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RosaryGirl –
My husband doesn’t attend church at all any more, and sometimes has harsh things to say about it. So I know how you feel.

While it’s difficult, it hasn’t made me feel like I’m pulling away from the Church. Sometimes spouses just have to give the good example, and pray. You should read about Elisabeth Leseur – her very irreligious husband was converted after reading her journal (after her death), and went on to become a priest.

Of course, we both hope our husbands’ conversions won’t take that long. 😉 But consider this – maybe the reason God brought us together was in order for us to lead them back to Truth?
 
Rosary_Girl said:
Sometimes it feels like I’m “more Catholic” than my husband. Before we were married, I attended daily Mass, had a small home altar/prayer corner where I prayed every day, read the Catechism, and generally worked to know my Catholic faith better and be a better Catholic. Since we’ve been married, I feel like I’m being pulled away from being a faithful Catholic and that I’m not living the kind of Catholic life I used to lead. 😦

When we were dating, he went to daily Mass with me once in a while; now he never goes and seems to do what he can to keep me from going. When we were dating he said he wanted to read the Catechism so we could discuss it and other Catholic topics, but he finds excuses - like not having time to do it, when he has plenty of time to watch movies. When we were dating he said he wanted to pray the Rosary with me, and I even bought him one as well as a booklet on how to pray it; but now he doesn’t have time for it. He said he would like to go to the local Latin Mass, just to see what it’s like, but he makes excuses for not going. I try to watch EWTN (something I loved when I was single), but now he would rather watch things like Duck Dynasty. I would go to another room to watch it, but we only have one TV. We’ve even stopped praying together before meals.

Since being married to my husband, it feels like the fire I had for God and his Church has slowly been fading. I want that fire back, but I feel like my husband is a wet blanket. Even worse, I feel like I’ve been lied to - that the domestic life I was promised isn’t what I’m getting. I even dread having children because I would hate for them to become ‘lukewarm’ Catholics. Honestly, I feel like a big part of me is dying. He’s a good man with a good heart, but he doesn’t want to live the kind of life he told me he wanted to live when we were dating/engaged.

What can I do, besides pray? I feel like I’m doomed to spend the next 50 years in a personal hell.
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He is a good man with a good heart, but you feel like you are stuck in a personal hell? Do you think he might have a sense that you consider yourself a better catholic? That can be a huge turnoff, especially for men, who want their wives’ respect and admiration.

You write that while you were dating, he said he wanted to do these things, but did he actually do them then? In practical terms, is his behavior now really that different from back then? You write that you feel like he prevents you from practicing the faith, but is he deliberately doing things to stop you, or is it just that you are now yoked to another person, and need to consider him when you make plans?

Are you newly married? It honestly sounds like you are both going through the adjustment of melding a life with a another person. Is it fair to expect him to adhere to the practice of faith that suits you? Or can the two of you form new habits together? You sound like a very disciplined, ordered person. This is good, but I think it’s especially hard for these types of people to adjust to marriage because those habits and daily order have to change. This whole experience may be very good for you to let go of trying to control him. If you married a man with a good heart, the future should be bright, once you get past these few bumps in the road!
 
Rosary_Girl said:
What can I do, besides pray? I feel like I’m doomed to spend the next 50 years in a personal hell.
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I’m so sorry to hear that. I believe that he needs another conversion, pray for it. What you can do besides praying is to be an example. That’s a way of doing apostolate. Like children, they learn by watching. Be an example of a good daughter of God, let God shine through you, you’ll be beautiful. Smile, always. Even if you don’t feel like it, make that little mortification and smile. And create your reality by using faith words! “My husband IS changing, slowly according to God’s will” , “My husband will have that conversion.”…etc. because remember [BIBLEDRB]Mark 11:23[/BIBLEDRB] . Don’t give up, sister. Don’t get neither disappointed nor discouraged, and have faith! Trust God. :hug3:

God bless you,
Elizabeth

PS.
Don’t leave his side. I say this because you can leave him all alone and go to be more “close” to God by doing all those things you used to do, but neglecting your marriage. You get closer to God by loving your husband, doing what’s best for him. 🙂 God called you to live a married life, that’s your vocation. Take his hand and walk together towards holiness, sister.
 
Rosary_Girl said:
He’s a good man with a good heart, but he doesn’t want to live the kind of life he told me he wanted to live when we were dating/engaged.
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Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

This is something you really need to get to the bottom of by talking to him.
 
Rosary_Girl said:
Sometimes it feels like I’m “more Catholic” than my husband. Before we were married, I attended daily Mass, had a small home altar/prayer corner where I prayed every day, read the Catechism, and generally worked to know my Catholic faith better and be a better Catholic. Since we’ve been married, I feel like I’m being pulled away from being a faithful Catholic and that I’m not living the kind of Catholic life I used to lead. 😦
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Well be stubborn and tell him you’re going to mass to visit the King of the Universe and he couldn’t stop you even with a pouty face.

Get a green scapular, get it blessed by a priest and hide it in his room. In an apparition Mary said that if this is done and you say the prayer written on the green scapular at least once a day she will bring him closer to Christ but the effectiveness increases as your faith she will do it increases.

Just F.Y.I. the Catechism says "The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.(CIC, cann. 1151-1155.) If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense. “”
So you might be able to threaten to move out without getting a divorce if he doesn’t stop you if you think then he’d let you go. The chaste life is fine and good!
 
^ What superstitious nonsense.

To the original question, you need to find what is ailing the bloke and find a compromise. We all have different ways of showing and acting upon our faith.

NOTHING turns someone off more than having to try and adhere to someone elses ideas!

Work through the issues with him, communicate and find happiness together.
 
First of all ((HUGS)) I totally get what you’re going through,
I am a lapsed Catholic slowly making my way to the church, my Christian husband, who like yours, is a good man and has a good heart; but knows nothing about Catholicism and feels no need to.

When you’re passionate about something and it makes you excited and joyful it only makes sense that you’d want to share that with your spouse.
But with something like this, religion or denomination you cannot push it on the other person.

Is your husband ok with you personally believing/practicing catholicism? Then count your blessings! Many, many spouses wish they had a supportive spouse even if they have no personal interest.

Is your husband Christian? That’s a HUGE blessing - imagine being the only Christian in your family, and the struggles there.

Pray for him, always invite him to go along with you to mass or church events, don’t guilt him if he won’t, or push him.
Lead by example and remember to show God’s love to your husband.

Best of luck!
~ PetiteFoi
 
1ke said:
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
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Huh??? :ehh:
This is something you really need to get to the bottom of by talking to him.
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If he would actually talk to me rather than watch TV I would, but he doesn’t like to talk about “those things”. 😦
 
Caroline723 said:
He is a good man with a good heart, but you feel like you are stuck in a personal hell?
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Growing farther and farther away from God IS like a living hell, at least for me. Feeling closer to God is more like heaven to me. How I lived my faith before we got married brought me closer to God.
Do you think he might have a sense that you consider yourself a better catholic? That can be a huge turnoff, especially for men, who want their wives’ respect and admiration.
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Maybe, but who has time for “respect and admiration” when I work full time (more hours than he does, even though I make less money), attend college full time and do all the housework while he feeds and plays with the dogs and watches TV?
You write that while you were dating, he said he wanted to do these things, but did he actually do them then? In practical terms, is his behavior now really that different from back then? You write that you feel like he prevents you from practicing the faith, but is he deliberately doing things to stop you, or is it just that you are now yoked to another person, and need to consider him when you make plans?
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He did, at least he started to. He started going to daily Mass with me and prayed the Rosary with me. He bought me a statue for my prayer corner/altar. Now, I feel like the faster ox yoked to a slower one and have to keep pace with him. He doesn’t say, “YOU CAN’T DO X, Y, Z,” but he won’t join me. He doesn’t prevent me from reading Catholic writings, but he won’t read them and discuss them with me.
Are you newly married? It honestly sounds like you are both going through the adjustment of melding a life with a another person. Is it fair to expect him to adhere to the practice of faith that suits you? Or can the two of you form new habits together? You sound like a very disciplined, ordered person. This is good, but I think it’s especially hard for these types of people to adjust to marriage because those habits and daily order have to change. This whole experience may be very good for you to let go of trying to control him. If you married a man with a good heart, the future should be bright, once you get past these few bumps in the road!
Click to expand...
We’ve been married almost 5 years, and things have just progressively gotten worse. At first, it was not praying the Rosary because his broke. I offered to get it fixed for him, but he just hid it away. Then it was not going to daily Mass because he had to go directly from work to home so he could feed the dog we got.

I tried talking to him in the first couple years of our marriage about how we want to mesh our family traditions (especially holidays), and he didn’t want to participate in the conversation. He lived on his own for a while before we got married and didn’t really do anything for the holidays/liturgical seasons (typical guy?). He likes when I do things for the seasons, but he won’t participate. He won’t pray with me during Advent. He won’t go to the Stations of the Cross during Lent. The only habits he wants to participate in are watching TV and sports. I guess I should be grateful that he’s not into porn…

I guess I’m just jealous that other women have husbands who participate in, and even take the lead in, their family faith life. I thought that’s what I was getting, and it’s not the reality of my situation.
 
Yes, PetiteFoi, my husband is a Christian. He’s Catholic. We attend Mass together each week, but that’s about it.
 
So so sorry, sadly many do experience a different man after marriage but God is more powerful then anything.

Except to pray without cease and even doing fast, there isn’t much you can do about him. You cannot force him, it has to come on his own.

On the other hand, let go the attachment to go to mass as a couple and simply go on your own. Do it for you and don’t give up your Catholic practice because of him. We are going to bound with God anyway, it is great if we can share with someone with love but going alone has it advantage. Meaning, you can devote your heart even more to God. I personally do two masses, one alone and the other with the family. I used to go alone always, but now my husband got into the Catholic faith and my daughter, lol…

Don’t give up hope and if anything, trust the Lord knows what he is doing for your soul.

Blessing and love!
 
The_Blunt_Brig said:
Just F.Y.I. the Catechism says "The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.(CIC, cann. 1151-1155.) If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense. “”
So you might be able to threaten to move out without getting a divorce if he doesn’t stop you if you think then he’d let you go. The chaste life is fine and good!
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Whoa… I think we skipped about 32 steps here. I don’t think this solution is even in the same hemisphere as the stated problem. Maybe I misunderstood the OP, but the husband is not actively preventing you from following the Church’s teachings or attending Mass, is he? I doubt very much the Church would encourage one to divorce because their spouse amiably disagrees with them.
 
The first thing that comes to mind when I read your OP is the quote

“It is most laudible in a married woman to be devout, but she must never forget that she is a housewife and sometimes must leave God at the altar to find him in housekeeping”
–St. Frances of Rome

Especially when you say that you are doing all the household work.

When you were a single woman, you were a single woman. Your ‘Catholic’ actions were much more applicable to your state of life. As a married woman you now have many more responsibilities and you have to take into consideration another person.

I have struggled on and off with the same things. I am Eastern Christian, and prior to marriage I used to keep all the fasts (four each year) completely strick, no meat, fish, dairy, oil, wine, ect, and have a much more devoted public prayer life (all lenten liturgies, 3 hr vespers Sat evening, ect). My husband, although also Eastern Christian, was just not quite there yet in his spirituality. We compromise, take smaller steps, and when I am alone, I work on my own personal prayer life. I struggle greatly with housekeeping, although I am a stay at home mom, so I try to make that a prayer, a form of service to my family. One of my biggest sinful struggles is definitely with sloth/laziness, so I work on being more efficient and growing spiritually that way. I try to ‘pray without ceasing’ with the Jesus Prayer. What I have found, interestingly, is that while I loved and do miss my old spiritual life in many ways, this new spiritual life is showing me many weaknesses and opportunities to grow that my old one was just glossing over. For example, it is much easier as a single woman to just sit and relax all day when you are ‘tired’ after work. As a stay at home mom working part time and raising a toddler while pregnant, you only have moments before you have to stop the path of destruction forming before you :).

What I am trying to say is this: Now, as a married woman, you may have to find new ways to get closer to God. Find Him in the housekeeping. Pray rosaries while you wash dishes or commute to work. Retire to the bedroom a half hour earlier to pray the liturgy of the hours if you were unable to make daily mass. Determine your spiritual weaknesses, and look for small sacrifices to make to grow. Pray especially for your husband, that the two of you can reach the same page and grow spiritually together. I would advise not to make prayer time a must or a chore for him, rather let him see it as something you joyfully do.

I doubt your husband sought to ‘deceive’ you in any way. We all do what he did. One, he wanted to present a good side to impress you 😉 and two, he probably had really lofty goals. Now that he has settled into his new life, he is reluctant to change and he is mentally drained (even though you may be working more, sometimes different people react to stress in different ways), and he probably has trouble motivating himself. Pray for him, your marriage, and always keep your faith as a source of joy, never pride, anxiety, burdan, or a chore, and let the Holy Spirit do the rest.
 
You feel “doomed to spend the next 50 years in a personal hell” because your husband won’t go to daily mass, say the rosary, and other such things? 🤷 That seems like a massive over-reaction.

As others have said or alluded to, we need to be careful about imposing our own thoughts about what it takes to be a good Catholic onto others. Or to presume that the ways in which we relate best to God will work well for others.

Continue to do these things for yourself and occasionally invite him to participate too. But don’t try to work on guilt or parade yourself as better than him.

Always remember what St Monica’s spiritual director St Ambrose is credited to have told her when she was desparate over the immoral lifestyle of her son Augustine: “speak less to Augustine about God and more to God about Augustine.”
 
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. It’s rough to feel like you’re at a different spiritual point than your husband, and I can see how you feel like you’ve been lied to in a way as well.

My recommendation would be to stop focusing on getting your husband to do the things that he talked about doing, and instead focus back on you doing the things you are missing out on. If going to daily mass is something you really feel called back to doing then start going. Don’t invite your husband to go with you every day. Don’t worry about what he’s doing. Just go. Once in a blue moon mention that if he’s interested in joining you he’s always welcome. Want to watch EWTN? Figure out what your favorite program is and talk to your husband about the tv being yours at that time. When the program is over turn the tv back over to him.

I guess what I’m saying is that his lack of spirituality shouldn’t bog yours down. You are on your own journey and need to make sure that your own needs are being met. Now I’m not saying that you should totally go back to how you did things when you were single because being married does mean things change, but find the top three things that you’re really missing and start doing those three things for a while. Maybe if it’s not a bunch of things all at once your husband might be more inclined to join you on one thing. Which might lead to another thing.
 
Rosary_Girl said:
Huh??? :ehh:
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I am responding for 1ke. That sentence means that there is something horrible, but other than that everything is great.

In this case, you said that your husband is a good man, but your time with him is a living hell and that he lied to you.
 
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