Wife needing to go out to clubs and bars with co-workers?

[Ap08211991]

Hello,

I am in need of help. My wife and I have been married for 8 years and got married young. We moved someplace new a few years back and it has been nothing but issues and very damaging experiences to our marriage. We since have been on a road to recovery as you can say and trying to save what everybody else in the world would say is unsavable. We have been given a huge amount of tools: Bible, FORMED website, Retrouvaille, counselor and all the tools she gives us. Every tool we are given somewhere it says to Love GOD first Spouse 2nd and yourself first. I know how difficult that can be in today’s’ society.

Yet we have made what I would like to consider very good progress. Except in the area of my wife still wanting to go out drinking with friends at bars. Now I decided when I got married I made a personal vow not to ever go out without my wife to bars or clubs in order to never fall into temptation that way. I sadly expected my wife to do the same. She does not feel the same. Given her past, while still married to me I don’t like her going to bars or clubs and even more so with co-workers who are all recently divorced women who don’t believe in the commitment that marriage is. Now not every time she went out something happened but 2 really bad things have happened. Other bad things happened other ways which can’t stop temptation from everywhere, but I feel like going to bars or clubs with the wrong people can just continue to cause issues down the road and instead of us fixing our marriage I’m worried it will be destroyed. .

Also, I need help with ways to ask her to pray and think about what God would want her to do without sounding so as she puts it condescending and judgemental. Yet the way that I said it wasn’t. Or saying I don’t think going to bars with friends is God’s will. I try to focus on God right now more than what I would want because the kind of still in the phase of she doesn’t care about me all that much. Like I said we have been told to think of God spouse and then ourselves. As well this has always been an issue every time she goes out. Honestly from day one of marriage, I have just wanted my wife to be a good Christian wife and mother, and yet somehow the basic requirements can’t be met. Now alcohol didn’t play a role in every horrible event on her side, but it has caused the trickle of the worst events. I’m no saint I struggled with temptations on my phone.

I am just at a loss when it comes to being able to talk to her without her feeling attacked. I literally have tried every way we have been told and she still finds it as being attacked. Also, in the past whenever she felt like I was being too controlling because we sucked at communication. She would go and do the thing I was worried about and trying to prevent her from doing. All I want to do is save my marriage and help my wife and I both work on our relationship with God. That is what I am called to do by God, but I am loosing my own battle in wanting to continue every time she wants to go out and drink, and if she doesn’t get to as she puts it she flips out and blames me for being too controlling and I am afraid of what she is going to do again.

 

[Ap08211991]

Sorry, I have paragraphed it.

 

[Ap08211991]

No, that is why it isn’t brief. She has been tempted and failed more than once. Or something else goes wrong.

Marriage should be over, but I am still fighting for it, and she says she is too. Yet she still gets so mad when I tell her to ask God and what he would think about going out to bars.

Is my wife great? Six years ago ya. Now since we moved? No, she has done one thing after another to destroy this marriage. I am not perfect but I am trying so hard to be one with God and help her as well. Which she tells me she wants. Yet she goes and wants to go to a den of sins, instead of fix the marriage.

 

[Minks]

@Ap08211991

Often, Life doesn’t seem fair, and especially so if we think we’re doing all that we can. Since you’re not both on the same page, keep praying, and pray some more. Don’t give up. People have had astonishing results from prayers, and praying makes our crosses feel lighter.

Continue with any counseling and talk with your priest. Ask him about a marriage encounter day or weekend—retrouvaille. I think the weekend session may have a greater impact. Schedule more than one, if possible.

Have you tried planning special times or outings together? Asking what she wants you to do? Or, could it be that you come across as too nice? Too agreeable? Too pouty? Or too needy? Would it help if you’d attend some Al-Anon meetings? Your priest and/or a counselor can see things in your couple dynamics that you can’t, simply because you’re too involved—a “too close to the trees to see the forest” type of situation.

The biggest help to you is prayer, although it may sound too trite and too tame. Don’t despair. Don’t let her see your down times. Keep doing whatever you can to help her get to heaven, because that’s what you signed on for. Be true to yourself and your teachings. Receive absolution often, nurture your soul with the Holy Eucharist, and spend time in Adoration. Go alone, if she won’t join you.

Things eventually will get better, or they won’t, but if that happens, you’ll have less regret if you know that you always took the high road in what you said and in what you did.

I’m very sorry you’re saddled with this grief, Ap. I will pray for you.

 

[Minks]

@Ap08211991

Yet she still gets so mad when I tell her to ask God and what he would think about going out to bars.

Ap, try biting your tongue, or whatever it takes, but avoid asking her what God will think. Just don’t, no matter what. That does make you sound like the high school principal or her father, and you already know it’s a trigger for her anger and defiance. Those aren’t the images you want to project.

Have you considered a joint membership at a gym or a regular night for bowling, dancing, a movie, or something similar? What did you two enjoy doing together 6-8 years ago?

 

[Tis_Bearself]

It seems pretty clear that you’re not going to be able to control your wife’s behavior by telling her you don’t want her going out with her co-workers, or you don’t want her going to clubs and bars, or God doesn’t want her doing this, etc. She probably feels like she is an adult and should be able to make her own decision to go out for some fun with her female friends.

Have you asked her why she likes this activity (or do you already know why)?
Does she have a drinking problem?
Does she simply like to dance and have fun?
Are you taking her out places and the two of you having fun together, or are you only focusing on God and “improving your marriage” all the time (which sounds about as much fun as dental surgery to me)?

As a married woman, I went out to clubs and bars with my friends literally hundreds of times. Sometimes my husband went, sometimes he didn’t because he didn’t enjoy that activity as much as I did. He did sometimes go to a club or bar with me - I made sure to pick one we would both enjoy together, such as one without super loud music because husband didn’t like it too loud - and we had a nice time. He did not tell me things like “I don’t want you going to bars” or “God doesn’t want you going to bars” or “Going to bars is not putting your spouse first” because any of those things would have made me either laugh or get mad and would not have resulted in me suddenly saying, “You’re right honey, I’ll never go to a club or bar again.”

If your wife has an alcohol problem, then try to get her to get help and get yourself into a group for relatives of people with drinking problems.

If your wife is simply looking to have some fun with her friends, then see if there’s some ways you two can have fun together so she’s spending some of that fun time with you.

And stop acting like you’re her father and telling her what she can and can’t do. Ultimately, your wife’s temptations are her own business. You’re not going to be able to stop her from them by locking her up in the house.

 

[angel12]

Now I decided when I got married I made a personal vow not to ever go out without my wife to bars or clubs in order to never fall into temptation that way. I sadly expected my wife to do the same. She does not feel the same.

Did you discuss this together before marriage? Or did you think you were making the decision for both of you?

I need help with ways to ask her to pray and think about what God would want her to do without sounding so as she puts it condescending and judgemental. Yet the way that I said it wasn’t.

It may not sound that way to you, but it obviously does to her. You can’t tell her how to feel about what you say.

I have just wanted my wife to be a good Christian wife and mother, and yet somehow the basic requirements can’t be met.

Do you really think she doesn’t know you feel she’s not a “good Christian wife and mother?” How would you feel if she said that about you?

I am just at a loss when it comes to being able to talk to her without her feeling attacked.

I’m betting she very much feels attacked. You’ve apparently assumed she would make the same decisions as you, you’ve decided she’s not a good Christian wife and mother, you tell her you know God’s will for what she should do with her friends . . . ’

She would go and do the thing I was worried about and trying to prevent her from doing.

And there’s your problem. You’re acting like you should be able to control her, and claim that’s what you are called to do by God.

Yet she still gets so mad when I tell her to ask God and what he would think about going out to bars.

I don’t blame her. That’s extremely condescending.

How much time do you spend listening to her? Really, really listening? How often to you ask to take her out to dinner? To a movie? Yes, even to a bar for a drink? How often do you make plans with mutual friends? How often do you ask her what she would like to do together? And how often do you meet up with your own friends for some time together?
How often do you tell her you love her? That she’s bright and funny and attractive?

 

[1ke]

Honestly from day one of marriage, I have just wanted my wife to be a good Christian wife and mother, and yet somehow the basic requirements can’t be met.

What you want and who she is sound like two different people. You married her wanting her to be something she wasn’t. You need to adjust your own expectations.

 

[Ap08211991]

Her family is very strong catholics and she said she was as well, and that she wanted to be. No sadly we lacked communication skills to properly talk about things.

 

[IdaCatholic]

You say your wife has been tempted and failed? Are we talking about infidelity here. I cant imagine you voicing concern and being uncomfortable and then her doing it anyway knowing it hurts the marriage. This may be broken beyond fixing.

 

[QwertyGirl]

On the surface, it sounds like you are very controlling.

What we don’t know, is what exactly you wife has done in the past to lead you to not trust her. Simply going to a a bar, having some drinks and spendig time with friends shouldn’t bring about mistrust in a healthy relationship. You will need to give more detail for anyone here to be able to understand your situation. I can see why communication may be an issue in your relationship.

If your wife has been sleeping around with others, or if she is a drunk, then those are issues which would reasonably make a spouse feel like their trust has been betrayed. Short of that, I am not sure what your issue would be.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I have just wanted my wife to be a good Christian wife and mother, and yet somehow the basic requirements can’t be met.

Quite a bit to unpack, this line stood out.

Good Christian wives and mothers can go for girls night, drink alcohol and still be good Christian wives and mothers.

Maybe you wanted a homebody but you married someone who is outgoing life of the party?

How often do the two of you get a sitter and go out for an evening of dancing? Have you thought about surprising her with dance lessons? The two of you taking Tango or Swing or Square Dancing?

 

[Ap08211991]

On the surface, it sounds like you are very controlling.

What we don’t know, is what exactly you wife has done in the past to lead you to not trust her. Simply going to a a bar, having some drinks and spendig time with friends shouldn’t bring about mistrust in a healthy relationship. You will need to give more detail for anyone here to be able to understand your situation

If your wife has been sleeping around with others, or if she is a drunk, then those are issues which would reasonably make a spouse feel like their trust has been betrayed. Short of that, I am not sure what your issue would be.

For you and everybody that believe I am being too controlling.
I was very relaxed and comfortable with my wife going out with friends to bars or whatever in the beginning. Sadly the more she went out the more problems did arise. My trust was also hurt before she was going out due to her talking inappropriately with other men online and even meeting one (Not for sex i was told). So trying to fix it after that incident I tried not to be mistrusting and controlling even though she was still talking to guys from online.

So when she did go out I was trying to show her I did trust her. Well one thing led to another eventually and something terrible happened (her story to tell not mine). Still after that she continued to turn to other men instead of me for support and help. Which in turn made me less trusting and more controlling. By this point my trust was devastated in her and instead of trying to fix it and rebuild it she decided best course of action to take was infidelity (one of which was with my best friend). So fast forward years later she finally tells me about all the times she cheated on me after going to a bar and sleeping with the bartender a few months ago.

We are trying to fix our marriage and I want to forgive her and move on but she wants to continue the same patterns of behavior that led her down very bad paths. The reason I even posted here was to find a way to approach her and talk to her on the subject without causing her to feel like I am trying to control her. The only reason I told her to ask and pray to God about it is So I would come across as controlling. The priest doesn’t come across as controlling when he asks or tells us. What would Jesus do or What do you think Gods WILL is? So why is it that when I ask my wife to pray and talk to God and make her choice based on her relationship with God I am still the bad controlling husband?

She even has told me multiple times recently that she wished I had stepped up to the religious head of house hold sooner. Now that I have because I am finally really working on my faith and relationship with God I am looked at as controlling and strict. When God himself tasked me to make sure my family stays on the path towards God. I am really trying to not come off as controlling by just suggesting we pray and figure out what God wants us to do. Instead of asking Do you think God would approve of that? Because I know for a fact that saying it that way does come across as controlling and using God as a weapon.

 

[QwertyGirl]

I am sorry all of this happened. The truth of the matter is your wife would have done these things whether she was in a bar or in the corner coffee shop, if it is what she wanted to do.

I think you are hyper-focused on the wrong thing. It doesn’t matter that your wife likes to go out to socialize. What matters is that she has been unfaithful. That could happen at your kitchen table while she is on the computer in a chat room.

I won’t offer advice, other than you need to protect yourself and maybe put some distance between the two of you while she decides whether she wants to be married or not. I will say a prayer for you, though.

 

[Ap08211991]

Quite a bit to unpack, this line stood out.

Good Christian wives and mothers can go for girls night, drink alcohol and still be good Christian wives and mothers.

Maybe you wanted a homebody but you married someone who is outgoing life of the party?

How often do the two of you get a sitter and go out for an evening of dancing? Have you thought about surprising her with dance lessons? The two of you taking Tango or Swing or Square Dancing?

I would love to go out with her but she never wants me to, or she always wants to go out last minute with no baby sitter back up.
Yes I agree they can go out but after everything that has happened because of going out and what it causes in our marriage by now I thought she would recognize that she isn’t one of those people that can just go out and not fall into temptation. As well I wouldn’t mind her going out if it wasn’t with all of her single recently divorced co-workers that just talk trash about marriage and brag about being single and not having to give a damn about their husbands anymore.
We have Catholic couple friends that she and I could hangout with instead but she refuses to even attempt to further develop relationships with them and instead want to develop relationships with her problematic co-workers.

 

[Elf01]

We have Catholic couple friends that she and I could hangout with instead but she refuses to even attempt to further develop relationships with them and instead want to develop relationships with her problematic co-workers.

Getting along with your co- workers is a good thing. It may help her career, assuming she wants that.

 

[Ap08211991]

Getting along with your co- workers is a good thing. It may help her career, assuming she wants that.

She is a hair stylist it doesn’t help her in her career.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Arrange a sitter for date night once a month. You need to show her that you find her exciting and interesting.

 

[heidi_storage]

Does your wife want to stay married to you? She has slept with other men. If she actually wants to work on the marriage, giving up occasions of sin–such as going to bars without her husband–is a bare minimum.

So, no–she should stop doing that. I don’t care how unfulfilled and bored she feels, this is obviously something she can’t do right now.

But people are right that you can’t control her, so I’d have a serious talk about whether she wants to stay married to you or not. And then I’d have a talk with a lawyer, just in case.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

OP, this isn’t about your wife going to a bar, apparently. It sounds like it’s about your wife cheating on you. And to be honest, if she wants to cheat on you, then she can meet guys to do that with anywhere, including at her work, at the grocery store, online, or at a bar.

So you telling her you don’t want her going out to bars is irrelevant to the real problem. She could avoid bars from now till the year 3000 and still cheat on you with some guy she met elsewhere. I’ve heard of people cheating on their spouses with people they meet at church.

I think you need some serious marriage counseling and not just you trying to control her with God wants this and God doesn’ t want that.