Tis_Bearself
Patron
The OP asked for advice regarding his marriage. Your opinion is not the only one out there, nor are your general opinions on what “women” need to do helpful to his particular situation.
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QwertyGirl
Guest
And I would add…happy wife, happy life. The point of the matter is that nobody HAS to do any of the suggestions for keeping one’s spouse feeling good and happy. But how are things going for you, if you don’t? No, you don’t have to water your plants but then don’t complain when they don’t flourish and instead you have a pot with soil and a bunch of dead foliage.The OP asked for advice regarding his marriage. Your opinion is not the only one out there, nor are your general opinions on what “women” need to do helpful to his particular situation.
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chevalier
Guest
The OP asked for opinions and advice, not to be unfairly chided just because he is male. And while my post was hidden due to being flagged, I reiterate that lying is morally wrong, also when complimenting someone on something that isn’t true.
When trying to affirm someone, look for compliments that are true. One is not morally free to say specific things such as ‘you are funny’, ‘you are bright’, or ‘you are mathematically talented’ or ‘you dance well’ with zero consideration of their truth or falsehood as you proposed. Intentional falsehood, also known as lying, is not morally justified by the desire to offer affirmation. Again, remember that you can always look for compliments that are actually true, there is not even a practical need to resort to lying. And it is not acceptable to criticize the OP for not having offered a specific affirmation of which you don’t even know the truth and apparently insist on the need to offer that particular affirmation with zero regard to whether it’s true or false.
I also reiterate that a wife cheating on her husband is not on level with her husband having failed to compliment her sufficiently often before the cheating occurred. Your response turning the table on the OP and trying to shift the blame onto him is not appropriate. And it is sexist.
I reiterate further than in cheating the cheated spouse is wronged and is the main victim, not the cheater (although the cheater may have suffered a lesser wrong beforehand at the hands of the cheated spouse).
I have requested a moderator’s intervention over the flagged post. I will not let this stand. After 15 or more years at CAF I will not simply accept overt sexism (how your brutal post attacking me still stands and mine in self-defence and explanation was hidden also is blatantly sexist), and I will not be bullied for invoking an accepted moral truth (that lying is wrong, or that failure to offer affirmation enough is on par with cheating, or that it’s the wronged spouse’s fault for not having offered enough compliments before he was cheated on). I will sooner quit the CAF altogether than accept something like this, which is frankly evil.
When trying to affirm someone, look for compliments that are true. One is not morally free to say specific things such as ‘you are funny’, ‘you are bright’, or ‘you are mathematically talented’ or ‘you dance well’ with zero consideration of their truth or falsehood as you proposed. Intentional falsehood, also known as lying, is not morally justified by the desire to offer affirmation. Again, remember that you can always look for compliments that are actually true, there is not even a practical need to resort to lying. And it is not acceptable to criticize the OP for not having offered a specific affirmation of which you don’t even know the truth and apparently insist on the need to offer that particular affirmation with zero regard to whether it’s true or false.
I also reiterate that a wife cheating on her husband is not on level with her husband having failed to compliment her sufficiently often before the cheating occurred. Your response turning the table on the OP and trying to shift the blame onto him is not appropriate. And it is sexist.
I reiterate further than in cheating the cheated spouse is wronged and is the main victim, not the cheater (although the cheater may have suffered a lesser wrong beforehand at the hands of the cheated spouse).
I have requested a moderator’s intervention over the flagged post. I will not let this stand. After 15 or more years at CAF I will not simply accept overt sexism (how your brutal post attacking me still stands and mine in self-defence and explanation was hidden also is blatantly sexist), and I will not be bullied for invoking an accepted moral truth (that lying is wrong, or that failure to offer affirmation enough is on par with cheating, or that it’s the wronged spouse’s fault for not having offered enough compliments before he was cheated on). I will sooner quit the CAF altogether than accept something like this, which is frankly evil.
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heidi_storage
Guest
Yes, it is evil. It’s so gross hearing people say things like “Woo her! Tell her how awesome and amazing she is” and “Women cheat because they’re looking for emotional fulfillment. You need to make sure you’re doing that. Men cheat because they want sex.” Way to blame the victim.
And “happy wife, happy life” only works under some circumstances–the most basic being that neither spouse is perpetrating major betrayals, such as sleeping with one’s best friend and various other random people. And perhaps it might even be possible to begin to mend a marriage after such betrayal, but it is simply impossible to do so if the guilty spouse doesn’t commit to change.
I really don’t know what to advise the OP, but I would urge him to have a good talk with a lawyer and make sure that he’s got the interests of his two little girls and himself taken care of even if they divorce.
And “happy wife, happy life” only works under some circumstances–the most basic being that neither spouse is perpetrating major betrayals, such as sleeping with one’s best friend and various other random people. And perhaps it might even be possible to begin to mend a marriage after such betrayal, but it is simply impossible to do so if the guilty spouse doesn’t commit to change.
I really don’t know what to advise the OP, but I would urge him to have a good talk with a lawyer and make sure that he’s got the interests of his two little girls and himself taken care of even if they divorce.
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angel12
Guest
When much of that advice was given, he had not yet said that she had actually committed adultery, only that her going out caused problems. You can’t expect people to know more about the situation than the OP tells.Often I will see advice here to husbands, to learn their wives “love language” and woo her. This is usually good advice. In this situation though, the wife has had multiple affairs, one with his best friend, and one only THREE weeks ago!
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