Wife obese and snoring, unrepentant

[Havard]

Let me assure you, thin, skinny, muscular, and physically fit people all suffer from snoring and sleep apnea. It tends to worsen with age, too.

Excess fatty tissue and poor muscle tone contribute to snoring. So… however bad her snoring is, her lack of fitness is most likely making it worse.

Regardless, I have to agree with Deb. The OP doesn’t seem angry just about the weight. He seems angry about her attitude. Reread the original post, he lists several reasons why he thinks she doesn’t care and takes him for granted.

 

[LightBound]

Excess fatty tissue and poor muscle tone contribute to snoring. So… however bad her snoring is, her lack of fitness is most likely making it worse.

Regardless, I have to agree with Deb. The OP doesn’t seem angry just about the weight. He seems angry about her attitude. Reread the original post, he lists several reasons why he thinks she doesn’t care and takes him for granted.

The point I was making about snoring was that it’s not just overweight people that get it; poor muscle tone increases with age, and yes, fatty tissue does contribute to it as well.

And as I said, there are two sides to each story. They need to get into counseling so that the therapist can hear both sides and help them work through it.

 

[1inICXC]

It takes A LOT of determination to lose the amount of weight your wife needs to lose. The catch is, you are so discouraged and depressed when piling on the pounds that there is no room for determination.

Like Debora said, a personal trainer might do the trick.

I only have 10lbs to lose after my 3rd baby and I still can’t muster up the motivation and determination to do so.

 

[catharina]

We have been married for 20+ years, and our family is faithfully and actively Catholic. We have five children, with a two in college and youngest in sixth grade.

When we were married, my wife was 120 lbs., but she has not managed her eating and exercise, and her weight has steadily increased over the years. Currently, she is obese at nearly twice the weight on our wedding day. All the weight has caused her health to suffer, I believe, as she has had pneumonia once, and is frequently catching colds and the flu more than anyone in the family.

As she added weight, snoring became regular, and I could not get a good night’s rest in the same bed. We have not slept in the same bed for five years, which has significantly curtailed our love life.

As far as we know, she has no medical issues that would prevent our impair weight loss. Diabetes runs in her family and mine, and she is all too aware of the health issues associated with the disease. So far, no signs of it in her health.

She has tried dieting and exercise, but has never fully committed to managing her weight, and has never succeeded, but not for lack of support.

She has always been a stay-at-home mom. As the kids are older / away, she has plenty of time for many. We have an eliptical machine in our basement that she almost never uses. We bought a house on a large park, and are only a three minute walk from a fully-equipped YMCA.

We have talked consistently about he weight and health, and have made many “new starts,” all of which have produced no improvement.

I don’t feel wanted as a husband, and have begun to feel like I represent little more than a steady paycheck to her. In addition, I am feeling like the only adult in this marriage, as her lack of self control has spilled over into money management and a reluctance to discipline our children.

I have talked to a marriage counselor and he recommended a “Healing Separation” to ease the strain on our marriage and attempt to generate a positive change. I’m leaning toward this as it seems a reasonable step for us.

I’d like to hear your thoughts and ideas.

Thanks.

**Your wife is clearly ill - and at risk for much worse.
Is she under a doctor’s care? Or only under your care?

You should be talking to her about finding a good doctor,
one who will NOT label her as UNREPENTANT.

(Unrepentant??? What does that mean?)

PS - I’ve never heard of any Catholic counselor suggesting a “healing separation.”**

 

[Katie966]

Rigth now, my heart bleeds for your wife. To actually remember her exact weight on your wedding day and post on the internet that it is twice what it used to be makes it seem YOU value her worth by her weight. What a horrible way for a woman to feel.

This struck me, too. That you even compare her weight then to now, a couple of decades and five children later, is sad. Face it, she is never going to be 120 pounds again. And you’re never going to look as good as you did on your wedding day, either.

And, “healing separation”? For you or for her to heal? My goodness, if I thought my fiance would ever suggest such a thing due to my weight gain over 20 years I wouldn’t marry him to begin with.

I think there is a right and a wrong way to approach this, and I have to say I think you are taking the wrong one. It is one thing to say “My wife is obese, I’m worried about her, and it affects my attraction to her and our relationship. How can I help her?” This isn’t unreasonable. It allows for the approach that you are in this together, that a lot of things have happened over the years, that you love her and want to grow old with her.

What you are saying though, is “My wife is obese and unattractive, it’s her own fault, and she is ‘unrepentant’, so how can I fix her? And if I can’t, I’m separating from her.” Blaming her and threatening separation doesn’t fix anything. What motivation does she have right now to eat better or exercise? She has a husband who fixates on what she used to weigh over 20 years ago, and labels her as “unrepentant”. I agree with the previous poster, I’d like to know what you mean by “unrepentant”.

Please be kind to her. Help her instead of blaming her. Tell her you love her. Cook healthy meals for her. Tell her you want both of you to grow old together, and that you are worried about her health- not what she weighed 20 years ago. Not that you want to separate until she is “repentant”. You’re married, you’re in this together, for life, in sickness and health. Don’t abandon her because she doesn’t look the way she used to.

 

[Hokomai]

Some thoughts from an unbeliever who knows a lot about weight issues:

1. I don’t of course believe there is a sin of gluttony but if I did I would not conclude that someone who was overweight had committed it. Here is why. To gain or lose a pound of fat you must have an absorbed excess or under-intake of 3,600 calories. If you have a metabolism that is good at absorbing excess calories, this means that if you eat 180 calories a day more than you expend, you will gain a pound every 20 days, or (realistically) about 10-15 pounds a year. Every year. Until the energy required to carry the extra weight around and the limitations of your metabolism makes it ever out to a lower rate of increase. 180 calories is a couple of pieces of fruit. Not gluttony in my book.
2. Anyone with diabetes in the family, severe obesity and five kids who need a mother should look at surgical intervention with their doctor. I am not recommending it, but I think it is worth looking at for two reasons: a) it might turn out to be a solution 2)The stories of those who have had it place the “will power” arguments in context. They have the willpower to pay enormous amounts of money and go through painful surgery.
3. I do not judge the OP. He married a big woman. I say well done! Big women are attractive just like smaller women. He did not let society’s opinion put him off. His problems about sleep etc are real. If the government sentenced you to be woken at random intervals by someone making very loud noises right beside you, you would succeed in an action under the UN convention against torture! It doesn’t help that you love the person. it makes it worse.

Obesity and the problems related to it are probably one of the areas in which religion is of least use. It is a medical and psychological problem - and it needs science to deal with it. Saying it is gluttony and a sin is as wrong as saying someone who thinks they are Napoleon is guilty of the sin of pride. A good husband will look to find the way to pay for help.

 

[Cat]

Ahhh… Gluttony. The 'acceptable’ sin.

Ah–obesity–a medical and psychological condition that is not well understood by professionals or laypeople.

I am a woman, and over the last two and a half years, I have lost 85 pounds. I now weight 185, so I still have about 20 pounds to go.

It was not easy. I have known for 20 years that I needed to lose weight and I have tried hundreds of times. I have tried everything mentioned so far on this thread, and probably everything that will be mentioned.

Get it through your heads, everyone–obesity is NOT a sin, and it is not necessarily caused by sinning.

Most obese people did not become obese because they were gluttons. They became obese because of small increases in calories and small decreases in activity.

If you add only 500 calories a day to your diet–that’s one regular soda and one small french fries at McDonalds–you will gain 50 pounds in a year.

Also, if you cut out activities that burn 500 calories a day (e.g., a brisk 30-40 minute walk), you will gain 50 pounds in a year.

Or look at it this way–one extra (regular) soda a day = 25 pounds a year.

One extra soda a day is not gluttony.

Many (not all) women end up gaining weight after having children because they don’t realize that they are eating those extra 500 calories, and they no longer find the time to take that brisk walk. That’s what happened to me.

I agree that there are spiritual issues for many obese people. For me, it has to do with relying on food instead of Jesus to be “filled.” But I was Protestant, and I wasn’t being “filled” with Jesus. I wasn’t “eating” His Flesh the way Catholics do. Once I became Catholic, a lot of my issues with food started getting straightened out.

But it is not wise to assume that all obesity could be eliminated if people would stop sinning. A lot of obesity is caused because people don’t realize that simple fact—only 500 extra calories = 50 pounds year.

So my suggestion to anyone who is obese is to stop trying to change your whole life (unless you win the opportunity to become one of the contestants on The Biggest Loser!). Instead, find a way to cut out 500 calories from your daily intake. That’s one and half sodas.

And then be patient and don’t expect results for a full year. If you stick with it and faithfully stick with not increasing your calorie intake or decreasing your activity level after you cut out those 500 calories, you will lose around 50 pounds.

If you cut out the 500 calories AND add a daily half hour walk, you will lose approximately 100 pounds in a year.

Now obviously this is simplistic. There are other reasons why many women stop losing weight after about 20 pounds. But still–20 pounds in one year is pretty cool and you will drop a few sizes if you lose this amount. So don’t be discouraged–go for long, slow weight loss, not the quick burn. If you lose the weight quickly, it will all be gained back, plus extra.

I hope this advice is helpful. It has been my method, and it works.

 

[Havard]

To gain or lose a pound of fat you must have an absorbed excess or under-intake of 3,600 calories. If you have a metabolism that is good at absorbing excess calories, this means that if you eat 180 calories a day more than you expend, you will gain a pound every 20 days, or (realistically) about 10-15 pounds a year. Every year. Until the energy required to carry the extra weight around and the limitations of your metabolism makes it ever out to a lower rate of increase. 180 calories is a couple of pieces of fruit. Not gluttony in my book.

I bolded the key part. The hypothetical extra piece of fruit isn’t what’s gluttonous, it’s the fact that we as a society make excuses for consuming more energy than we expend. I get that metabolisms slow down, and are already slow for some naturally. But even so, if your body only burns 1800 calories a day, why are you constantly consuming 1980? You don’t need it, and in the long run you know it’s bad for you.

 

[dusk]

Maybe she is depressed. I have bipolar disorder, and I have more downs than ups. When I’m depressed, I eat more than I care to say. I gained 100 lbs. one year because of a severe depression and I haven’t lost it yet. I also snore like a freight train.

Thankfully, my husband understands this. He has stuck by me through thick and thin, and I can say we have one of the best marriages that I know of. He sleeps in bed with me, he doesn’t push diets on me, although he occasionally mentions that he wants many more years with me. He offers suggestions sometimes but doesn’t make me feel fat (even though we both know I am). He still loves me as much as he did when I wasn’t huge.

Please understand that your wife surely feels awful about herself, and offer her more compassion than you ever have. She needs you to be on her side.

 

[Just_Lurking]

One part of the “healing separation” agreement (from here):
4. Relationships and Involvements Outside of the Relationship (Ideally a joint decision and compromise should be made concerning social involvement, romantic, and sexual relationships outside of this relationship.)
This doesn’t sound very Christian to me.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Your wife is clearly ill - and at risk for much worse.
Is she under a doctor’s care? Or only under your care?

You should be talking to her about finding a good doctor,
one who will NOT label her as UNREPENTANT.

(Unrepentant??? What does that mean?)

PS - I’ve never heard of any Catholic counselor suggesting a “healing separation.”

I agree, she should see a doctor. Could be many things physiolgically not functioning properly, like her thyroid, or pituitary gland.

 

[Castello]

Being overweight is not a sin. Why on earth should she “repent” of it?

Gluttony does not mean overweight. One can use the gym and 5 workouts each week and counting every calorie and treating bread as the devil as a form of gluttony. Oh, and idol worship as well.

Pray and fast for your wife. Love her as Christ loved the Church.

 

[DL82]

Seriously, I think we need to put this in perspective - we have 1-1/2 sides of the story, because we have what you said, and what you report a counselor saying. I apologize, because I am about to jump to a bunch of conclusions here, and I’m going to be pretty harsh with you. I do this because I think you need to hear it, but I may be wrong about the whole situation, so I apologize in advance if I’m off the mark:

Firstly, your wife, in 20 years, has put on 100lbs, that’s 5lb a year, while raising kids and being a stay-at-home mom. That’s pretty normal in my books. I went back to check that you said lbs, not kgs - if you’d said 120kg (about 300lb), then maybe there would be an issue with gluttony/addiction, but really, I just think you are over-reacting. Maybe your wife still cooks as much now as she did when your teenage kids were living at home, and maybe that’s part of the problem, but really, as weight problems go, it doesn’t sound all that serious.

Secondly, you have moved out of the marital bed because of snoring. Have you tried wearing some ear-plugs? You say it has affected your love life, have you tried making sure you still keep that flame alive, even if you aren’t in the same bed all the time? Maybe get up 20min early, make her a healthy breakfast and wake her up with a cuddle in the morning, see where things go from there.

Thirdly, would you want your wife to read the title, let alone the content, of this thread? Is that how you see her? It is as though you take everything she does as a personal insult to you, as though her whole life ought to be about boosting your ego, and as though she has become the person she is in order to deliberately spite you. Marriage should be about growing to love the other person unconditionally.

I have never heard of a counselor suggest ‘healing separation’, it sounds like an awful idea, but even the worst counselor, I’m pretty sure, wouldn’t suggest this because of a little thing like your wife struggling with her weight. More than likely, if there is a good cause for it, the cause is what you have been doing to her, the way you treat her. If the words you tell her come from a heart that sees her as spiteful and unrepentant, you are probably causing her a lot of hurt.

Seriously, to be married 20 years, and only see your wife for her looks, and make such a big issue of her weight, it sounds like you need to seriously re-think what it means to be a husband. Look at Ephesians 6 and then seriously meditate on Christ’s patience with His Church. That’s what we’re supposed to model. Read John 16-18, Jesus’ prayer for His Church, during His agony in Gethsemane - this is the pattern of how a Catholic bridegroom ought to be. Jesus doesn’t once complain to the Father that His Church is getting a bit flabby!

 

[Havard]

Being overweight is not a sin. Why on earth should she “repent” of it?

Gluttony does not mean overweight. One can use the gym and 5 workouts each week and counting every calorie and treating bread as the devil as a form of gluttony. Oh, and idol worship as well.

Pray and fast for your wife. Love her as Christ loved the Church.

Your body is a gift from God. If you don’t treat it right, it IS a sin.

The OP explicitly states that his wife is almost twice her former weight of 120 lbs. This means she is likely morbidly obese, putting her health and life at risk. He further explicitly states that she isn’t committed to losing this weight, and that her lack of self-control is a major problem here, as well as in her other affairs. I don’t understand why posters keep missing or glossing over this.

 

[opus101]

Rigth now, my heart bleeds for your wife. To actually remember her exact weight on your wedding day and post on the internet that it is twice what it used to be makes it seem YOU value her worth by her weight. What a horrible way for a woman to feel.

And not sleeping in the same bed as her has probably made her feel REALLY rejected.

I suggest you start looking at her as the woman you vowed before God to stand by for better or for worse.

My thoughts exactly!

 

[KostyaJMJ]

OP, I am going to present to you 3 seconds inside the mind of a woman. Brace yourself

He doesn’t love me for who I am, so I don’t see any reason to try and be skinny for him

What you’re doing is counterproductive. If you want her to take care of herself you have to watch the kids, clean the house, cook healthy meals, and give her time to go to the gym. There aren’t any shortcuts. You can’t shame her into being skinny.

On top of all that she has damaged her metabolism, maybe beyond repair, so she may never be skinny again. She can improve her health, but you need to get the idea out of your head that healthy for her will equal skinny.

 

[centurionguard]

I’m not in the OP’s situation so what of anything I might say maybe of little advice.

Ultimately; every Catholic marries in Sickness and in Health. If a spouse is mentally sick and depressed and the other spouse wants out of the marriage, I see little grounds for an annulment from the Church.

You might have grounds for a civil divorce if your priest gives you advice to do so.
Be mindful though if you seek divorce you cannot remarry in the Church.

Not trying to be insensitive but IMHO the exponential number of Annulments given by the Church in the last 45 plus years is utterly terrible.

 

[Havard]

Firstly, your wife, in 20 years, has put on 100lbs, that’s 5lb a year, while raising kids and being a stay-at-home mom. That’s pretty normal in my books. I went back to check that you said lbs, not kgs - if you’d said 120kg (about 300lb), then maybe there would be an issue with gluttony/addiction, but really, I just think you are over-reacting.

Whoah there, I definitely dispute that it’s “normal” for the average SAHM to weigh as much as an NFL linebacker, but even if it’s true, that only underscores how bad the obesity “epidemic” has gotten.

The average height for a woman in the US is 5’4". According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, a woman of that height is typically overweight at > 140 lbs, and obese at >170 lbs. Of course there are exceptions for muscle mass and height, but still, > 200 lbs rarely a healthy weight for any woman.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Rigth now, my heart bleeds for your wife. To actually remember her exact weight on your wedding day and post on the internet that it is twice what it used to be makes it seem YOU value her worth by her weight. What a horrible way for a woman to feel.

And not sleeping in the same bed as her has probably made her feel REALLY rejected.

I believe that snoring is a valid defense for murder, and it can be nearly impossible to fall asleep next to someone who almost takes up the whole bed. I can’t really criticize him for not sleeping in the same bed.

 

[centurionguard]

I believe that snoring is a valid defense for murder, and it can be nearly impossible to fall asleep next to someone who almost takes up the whole bed. I can’t really criticize him for not sleeping in the same bed.

Really? There is alternative medical help for those who snore. Most people who suffer with snoring are diagnosed with Sleep Apnea. Hardly grounds for divorce or murder.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_apnea

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_airway_pressure

I snore and use a assisted breathing machine called a CPAP.

Oh and when I used to snore I could bring down the walls and lift the roof off the house.