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aloe
Guest
Your wife needs medical help. Full panel blood work to rule out things like thyroid. Also she needs to get a sleep study done. Snoring and being obese can be dangerous for her health, she might have severe sleep apnea, which can be correctable, but if not corrected is very dangerous to her health and longevity. Also I would consider martial counseling, if you won’t go, just send her. I think this is a medical problem, stand by your wife and support her in sickness and in health. Love her as Christ loves the Church.
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KostyaJMJ
Guest
I am Catholic; I don’t believe in divorce.
There is a strong link between obesity and sleep apnea. So in my book that is a risk factor you have control over.
If my wife started snoring because of her weight I would give her two choices.
- you diet and exercise with me.
- I kill you in your sleep.
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Debora123
Guest
D
Debora123
Guest
Well said.
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puzzleannie
Guest
unrepentent?
poor choice of words,
she is not sinning so is not in need of repentence
I can tell you from long experience that the more you nag her about her weight, health and living habits the less likely she is to respond positively and you are setting up an extremely unhealthy, unproductive and damaging manner of communicating your concerns and your tactics will almost surely destroy your marriage if you continue this way.
Notice I am not contesting any of your objective observations about her health and habits, I am contesting the manner in which you have “communicated” your concerns.
poor choice of words,
she is not sinning so is not in need of repentence
I can tell you from long experience that the more you nag her about her weight, health and living habits the less likely she is to respond positively and you are setting up an extremely unhealthy, unproductive and damaging manner of communicating your concerns and your tactics will almost surely destroy your marriage if you continue this way.
Notice I am not contesting any of your objective observations about her health and habits, I am contesting the manner in which you have “communicated” your concerns.
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Catholic90
Guest
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Catholic90
Guest
Have you suggested the 2 of you go for walks TOGETHER? Ride bikes TOGETHER? Go to the Y TOGETHER? Cook healthy meals TOGETHER?
Make this a team effort, and show her you are her partner in this. You vowed to love her in sickness and in health, and this is one of those sickness moments. So SHOW HER how much you love her by working WITH her, not just deriding her, embarrasing her, and humiliating her.
I am quite sure you are not the same guy physically that you were 20+ years ago either.
Make this a team effort, and show her you are her partner in this. You vowed to love her in sickness and in health, and this is one of those sickness moments. So SHOW HER how much you love her by working WITH her, not just deriding her, embarrasing her, and humiliating her.
I am quite sure you are not the same guy physically that you were 20+ years ago either.
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maryjk
Guest
So because she has control over her weight, something I might argue against, you would kill her? I know you are joking and that you would never kill someone for simply snoring, but to even state this in public is a problem. Killing someone is no joking matter.I am Catholic; I don’t believe in divorce.
There is a strong link between obesity and sleep apnea. So in my book that is a risk factor you have control over.
If my wife started snoring because of her weight I would give her two choices.
or
- you diet and exercise with me.
2.** I kill you in your sleep.**
He has been far more patient than I would be with a snoring spouse.
Remember, you are Catholic, you don’t believe in divorce OR MURDER!!!
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centurionguard
Guest
I am Catholic; I don’t believe in divorce.
There is a strong link between obesity and sleep apnea. So in my book that is a risk factor you have control over.
If my wife started snoring because of her weight I would give her two choices.
or
- you diet and exercise with me.
He has been far more patient than I would be with a snoring spouse.
- I kill you in your sleep.
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ahs
Guest
First, I’d like to key in on how you don’t feel watned as a husband. Well, how does SHE feel? Do you express the fact to her that you want HER as a wife, despite her weight gain? You did marry “for better or for worse, insickness and in health”, correct?
She has tried diets and exercise, but did not stick with it, as you say. Have you considered that she may not be motivated to stick with it? I won’t pretent to know what you or she feels, but if she doesn’t feel like you love her for who she is right now, why would she expect you to love her 120lbs lighter?
The burden, then, is on you to show her unconditional love. Let her know how important she is to you, regardless of her weight. Then, she will find a reason to stay healthy so that she can live a long and healthy life with a man who loves her unconditionally.
Do you honestly think a “healing separation” would give her an incentive to get healthy? That would sink the nail into her coffin. It would tell her that you don’t really love her enough to stand by her through sickness and health, through better or worse…it would send her the message, subconsciously, that she has nothign to live for. If it DID make her take control over her life, it would become a life without YOU in it.
Stop trying to love the “ideal formula of a wife” in your wife, and jsut love her for who she is. Once you do that, she may begin to take her health seriously because she’ll have something worth fighting for.
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ahs
Guest
Agree with this as well.Have you suggested the 2 of you go for walks TOGETHER? Ride bikes TOGETHER? Go to the Y TOGETHER? Cook healthy meals TOGETHER?
Make this a team effort, and show her you are her partner in this. You vowed to love her in sickness and in health, and this is one of those sickness moments. So SHOW HER how much you love her by working WITH her, not just deriding her, embarrasing her, and humiliating her.
I am quite sure you are not the same guy physically that you were 20+ years ago either.
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Cat
Guest
This is a lovely plan.Have you suggested the 2 of you go for walks TOGETHER? Ride bikes TOGETHER? Go to the Y TOGETHER? Cook healthy meals TOGETHER?
Make this a team effort, and show her you are her partner in this. You vowed to love her in sickness and in health, and this is one of those sickness moments. So SHOW HER how much you love her by working WITH her, not just deriding her, embarrasing her, and humiliating her.
I am quite sure you are not the same guy physically that you were 20+ years ago either.
But before anyone who has been sedentary and/or who is overweight begins any kind of physical activity, they should be thoroughly checked out by a doctor, a real doctor, not just a trainer.
To fail to do this could be fatal. There are underlying heart conditions and other physical conditions that could be fatally aggravated by exercse. Need to get clearance first!
Here are two things to ask the doctor about, and both of these were problems that I had that I didn’t know about, and that made it almost impossible for me to eat healthy and exercise:
- Check out acid reflux disease. If someone has this, fruits, vegetables, and grains are agonizing to digest. I couldn’t eat these things for years without getting sick and gassy. Once my doctor diagnosed this (I required a colonoscopy and endoscopy, BTW, to get this diagnosis), he put me on over-the-counter prilosec, and now I eat veges and fruits like a rabbit! It was a major factor in helping me to eat healthier.
- Check out injury to the posterior tibialis, the large tendon in the foot/ankle that supports the arch in the foot. If this is injured or broken, the person will not be able to stand on their toes, and any kind of weight-bearing activity is extremely painful and sometimes impossible. This is the Number One injury of obese women in their 40s (or older) who also have flat feet. I suffered from this for years, and my foot was totally deformed because there was no support for the arch. I couldn’t wear “normal” athletic or tennis shoes because the arch was so collapsed that I would get huge blisters within a few hours. So of course, I couldn’t walk much, even though most of my life, I had walked several miles a day. I would recommend going to a podiatrist to get this condition diagnosed–it will mean Xrays and MRIs. There are several treatment options, including orthotics for a simple injury, and surgery for a more severe injury like mine.
Finally, I agree with all those who have mentioned sleep apnea. Many thin people have this condition, so it’s not just an obesity issue. My husband has had this problem since his thin days back when he was in his 30s; best thing he ever did was get his CPAP! He has two very thin and athletic skating friends who have sleep apnea and use a CPAP at night to sleep. PLEASE get sleep studies done–this condition can and does kill people in their sleep!! So sad.
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Marie5890
Guest
Knocker, hello and God Bless.
I cant’ specifically speak to your wife or her struggles with weight.
But I can offer a perspective.
I have been a chair mobile paraplegic for almost 40 years. It’s not easy to maintain my weight, but I can. It does take effort, but it can be done.
I dont know where your wife falls into the spectrum of “maintaining a healthy weight”. But my guess is she can, at least physically speaking.
I dont know where her emotional or mental health realities lie. People who struggle with severe mental or emotional ILL health issues will have a harder time.
If she is mentally and emotionally healthy, she is very capable of doing something about her obesity. If she suffers from poor mental and emotional health,that is another issue entirely.
Praying that you both are open minded to what is reality, and what are credible medical issues that make weight maintenance an issue.
I cant’ specifically speak to your wife or her struggles with weight.
But I can offer a perspective.
I have been a chair mobile paraplegic for almost 40 years. It’s not easy to maintain my weight, but I can. It does take effort, but it can be done.
I dont know where your wife falls into the spectrum of “maintaining a healthy weight”. But my guess is she can, at least physically speaking.
I dont know where her emotional or mental health realities lie. People who struggle with severe mental or emotional ILL health issues will have a harder time.
If she is mentally and emotionally healthy, she is very capable of doing something about her obesity. If she suffers from poor mental and emotional health,that is another issue entirely.
Praying that you both are open minded to what is reality, and what are credible medical issues that make weight maintenance an issue.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
It is very easy when you are a SAHM and gain a load of weight to get depressed because you’re not 120 lb and your house doesn’t look the way it did before you had kids. You’re never going to get there, so what’s the point?
When my husband, a prince among men, sees that I’m getting down in that manner, he takes me to one of those places with every bra size ever invented, a nice one where the bras are pretty don’t look like they were designed by the Army Corps of Engineers, and has me pick out a couple of bras that really fit well. Then he takes me somewhere where they have clothes in my size that he likes, too, and he helps me choose something that I like. He knows what I like, so when the clerk lies and tells me that everything looks great when it doesn’t, he calls her on it and tells her to find something that makes me look my best. (Did I mention that this man is a prince?)
If you get overweight, you see, you put off buying anything nice, because you think you ought to lose weight first. In reality, it works the other way. Treat your body with respect, wear clothes that flatter you just as you are right now, and then start looking at healthy choices to make.
The other thing is to set small goals that are directly in your control and that improve your chances of good health regardless of whether they move a scale. You can’t control the scales directly, and that means that you can do everything right and still fail if losing weight is your goal. You can choose to drink a quart of water every day, starting this week, or to add fresh or very minimally sweetened fruit to one meal week, and then to two meals next week, and then add a salad or an extra veggie serving for everyone at dinner, and so on. Do you see the difference? Make the goal of drinking more water, and if you do it, you succeed. Make the goal losing weight, and you can do everything right and still fail, which is depressing.
You can also choose to schedule a stroll with your sweetie three times this week. It’s not how fast or how many calories. It is that you set a goal that you can reach and maintain, and do that.
Mostly, though, tend to the basic friendship that is the foundation of your marriage. Go out together alone. Make it a point to call her and ask her how her day is going once a day. You may find yourself talking more during those phone calls than you talk during the whole rest of the day.
Also, I’ve had the snoring problem, because both my husband and I snore when we gain weight. I say to go to bed together in the same bedroom, even if you know you’ll have to move later. Once you start retiring alone every night in a bed alone, it takes its toil on your psyche and on how you see your place in your marriage. If you stop talking as friends and stop having physical contact of spouses, you can each start felling as if the work you do is all you mean to the other person. So talk, even if you’re not home, and touch, even if there isn’t going to be any sex. In fact, touch a lot when it is not about sex. When there is sex, that non-sexual touch will have put a vital dose of affection into it, and that makes all the difference.
If you care about your marriage, though, then make your marriage your priority. Like the choice to lose weight, if you decide you are going to change your wife, you can fail. If you decide you are going to value her and appreciate her, you can’t fail. So make your goals reflect what you can and can’t control.
When my husband, a prince among men, sees that I’m getting down in that manner, he takes me to one of those places with every bra size ever invented, a nice one where the bras are pretty don’t look like they were designed by the Army Corps of Engineers, and has me pick out a couple of bras that really fit well. Then he takes me somewhere where they have clothes in my size that he likes, too, and he helps me choose something that I like. He knows what I like, so when the clerk lies and tells me that everything looks great when it doesn’t, he calls her on it and tells her to find something that makes me look my best. (Did I mention that this man is a prince?)
If you get overweight, you see, you put off buying anything nice, because you think you ought to lose weight first. In reality, it works the other way. Treat your body with respect, wear clothes that flatter you just as you are right now, and then start looking at healthy choices to make.
The other thing is to set small goals that are directly in your control and that improve your chances of good health regardless of whether they move a scale. You can’t control the scales directly, and that means that you can do everything right and still fail if losing weight is your goal. You can choose to drink a quart of water every day, starting this week, or to add fresh or very minimally sweetened fruit to one meal week, and then to two meals next week, and then add a salad or an extra veggie serving for everyone at dinner, and so on. Do you see the difference? Make the goal of drinking more water, and if you do it, you succeed. Make the goal losing weight, and you can do everything right and still fail, which is depressing.
You can also choose to schedule a stroll with your sweetie three times this week. It’s not how fast or how many calories. It is that you set a goal that you can reach and maintain, and do that.
Mostly, though, tend to the basic friendship that is the foundation of your marriage. Go out together alone. Make it a point to call her and ask her how her day is going once a day. You may find yourself talking more during those phone calls than you talk during the whole rest of the day.
Also, I’ve had the snoring problem, because both my husband and I snore when we gain weight. I say to go to bed together in the same bedroom, even if you know you’ll have to move later. Once you start retiring alone every night in a bed alone, it takes its toil on your psyche and on how you see your place in your marriage. If you stop talking as friends and stop having physical contact of spouses, you can each start felling as if the work you do is all you mean to the other person. So talk, even if you’re not home, and touch, even if there isn’t going to be any sex. In fact, touch a lot when it is not about sex. When there is sex, that non-sexual touch will have put a vital dose of affection into it, and that makes all the difference.
If you care about your marriage, though, then make your marriage your priority. Like the choice to lose weight, if you decide you are going to change your wife, you can fail. If you decide you are going to value her and appreciate her, you can’t fail. So make your goals reflect what you can and can’t control.
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agnes_therese
Guest
This is what she hears from you. I guarantee it. It’s all about how YOU feel, and how SHE has failed. I find it qutie interesting that you mention a separation, but don’t mention medical care for her.
She is quite possibly overwhelmed by her weight and depressed by your rejection. She needs medical help, and perhaps counselling; but even more, she needs support, not judgment.
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Rascalking
Guest
I guess I’m just stunned by this thread. Your wife has given you four kids, and now you have the audacity to complain about her weight? Well, guess what-in 20 years, people put on weight. After four kids, your wife has the right not to be a size 4. Your not perfect either.
To even THINK about a seperation over this is incredibly shallow.
To even THINK about a seperation over this is incredibly shallow.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
:clapping::clapping::yup:
Definitely true.
I am 20 lbs overweight, was 30 but I joined Weight Watchers and am making changes to stop all the bad eating habits I have picked up over the last year and my entire life (using food as a reward, eating while reading, etc.). My husband has NEVER been critical of my body, in fact he says there’s just more of me to love. He supports any good decisions that I make but never clucks at my failures or criticizes me when I stumble. He admires me naked (I hate to be naked right now). He knows very well that if he starts piling on, I will act like a stubborn child and sabotage my success. Yes, I’m immature that way. I know my own character defects very well by now.
If he threatened to leave me because I have gained weight, I would call the divorce lawyer and he would end up losing the weight…in his wallet! What a horrible thing to consider instead of trying to figure out why the woman you love is using food like a drug…or is depressed and not feeling well enough to exercise.
And by the way, my husband has also gained weight and I also never remark on it. He’s still the only man in my life and I love him.
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Marie5890
Guest
Ok, I will be a radical voice here.
I dont think anywhere the OP was saying that his wife needed to be a size 4 so please let’s now all of us project that on to him.That is not just.
As a general statement, we all are responsible for our physical health. Even me, a paraplegic for 40 years.
Even I do have a certain degree of ability and responsibility for my own health.
Can I be maintain a size 4? Nope. I cant…That doesnt mean I cant maintain a size 10,12, etc however.
Please, let’s not enable people how have the ability to lose and maintain. a healthy weight to do just that.
It’s a massive petpeeve of mine, who cant move their legs AT ALL…to see people excuse their lack of healthy weight maintainance
Again, If I …a chair mobile paraplegic of 40 years can maintain a decent healthy weight,…many others can too…
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