Wife obese and snoring, unrepentant

[EasterJoy]

When I was growing up, there was no HFCS and there also were no obese people. When that particular sweetener was invented and started working its way into our food, suddenly there was a lot more obesity.

Take a look at the difference in portion sizes over the years, even at McDonald’s.

Correlation does not prove causation. It may not be that there is anything about corn syrup itself, save that it was cheap and plentiful and that processed food required sugar and lots of it, not to mention lots of salt, and hey, maybe the salt is why a 20 oz. Coke sounds really good. Switch to slightly-more expensive cane sugar but leave the recipes the same, and we’re not going back to looking like it was 1955.

But this is a bit off-topic, excepting that a diet high in any combination of refined carbohydrates (including white flour) does have metabolic effects with known adverse health consequences, including putting on abdominal fat.

 

[AnneTeresa]

I’m going to step in here. My husband could have been the OP (except we sleep in the same bed-he snores I don’t, isn’t overweight-I am, but he’s in the healthy BMI range but still has sleep apnea). We have a dusty elliptical too. I have 3 kids right now and one due on Jan. 1st. (3 of them in 3 years) It’s not been easy on my body being prego that often/soon but I can (coulda woulda shoulda) exercised when I was between my 8 year old and 2 year old pregnancies. I ate more than I should have-because it tasted good and I was bored. I didn’t exercise hardly AT ALL. I married my husband at 130 pounds and now I’m just over 200 because of the baby weight/extra weight. I have realized (unlike the biggest loser tries to contend) that selfishness gets a person to this weight (if it’s not a physical problem-thyroid etc.) An overweight person gets their jollies off of eating instead of being around others and getting their comfort from God they eat. I know from experience. Now they need to be so concerned about how their loved ones would feel if they were DEAD from heart disease/etc. because of their self abuse that they should spend some time fixing it. That isn’t “selfish” it’s finally putting everyone who loves you and you love over your love of food. I’ve repented of my gluttony and I hate the person I’ve become because of my love for food and laziness. I’m tired of being sore (when not prego) and whining when I go hiking because I’m so out of shape. -that’s my tale

My husband isn’t mean about it but stresses that he knows I would feel better about myself if I lost the weight (he’s totally right). I was selfish to let myself get this way. Everyone is harping on the OP about his behavior. He could have been patient and wanted to support his wife in her weightloss but dealing with a depressed person that overeats (if it’s not a physical problem) and gives up on themselves over and over and doesn’t want to change REALLY (if she did she would-if again it’s not a physical problem) can be depressing. I don’t think he should have left the bed-she needs to be checked for sleep apnea-they’ll talk to her about her weight in a appt. for that. I also think a seperation is out of the question, vows are vows and they are to be taken seriously for life.

Gluttony is sinful. If she is guilty of gluttony not a physical problem she is in sin and her spending money hand over fist is a bleed over from the gluttony. The lack of discipline to the children is laziness there is no physical reason for that. And laziness and gluttony are best friends.

Bottom line: laziness/boredom/emotional comfort + overeating = gluttony

It’s selfishness. Now it’s time to think about her loved ones and fix what SHE broke. (if it’s not physical)

This thread has really made me think. I see your point about laziness/boredom/emotional comfort leading to overeating and I can see how it is sin.

But HOW do you stop if you realize it’s an emotional need or boredom that leads to you eating? I think a lot of overweight people probably have deep inner wounds-- focusing on the eating part isn’t going to heal those wounds and they will probably start doing something else (I know people who exercise to an extreme (judging others who don’t) and obsess over every morsel they put in their mouths–that can’t be right either). These are the people who look down on others and feel free to make comments about other people’s weight. I think that is really wrong. It’s not OK to make comments about people’s hair color, yet it’s OK to make comments about someone’s weight?

I’m 55 years old and have gained probably 20 pounds in the last 5 years. Part is not being careful of what I eat, part is my metabolism (screwed up I believe from years of dieting), part is heredity (my mom had the same “apple” body type, part is lifestyle (full time job, much stress), part is laziness.

Also I’ve read that stress can contribute to weight gain, particularly around the waist. Cutting calories is not going to solve that either. And I don’t mean that as an excuse, I just think that people who’ve never struggled with weight have no idea how complicated it is.

 

[Serap]

This is awful and I am so sorry.

I know this is expensive, but have you tried getting a personal trainer to work out your wife maybe 4-5 days a week?

I can understand that it can be hard finding the motivation on her own to go out to the gym everyday, but if she has a set schedule with a professional who will meet with her at scheduled times each day, it’ll make it a lot easier for her to be there and stay committed. Personal trainers can also help with making healthy meal plans.

It’s not a cheap route, but it’s one that is very guaranteed to work…

I second this idea. Personal trainers will visit your home.

 

[Serap]

I don’t believe you have to be gluttonous to be overweight. Being overweight is not a sin. I do agree that people tend to get the nastiest about sins they couldn’t possibly fathom. I’m betting there is a lot going on here.

I’d be curious. How old is DW?

Let’s see, she weighed 120 when she got married. And now weighs close to 240? How tall is she?

Sleep apnea, which is probably weight related, which reportedly only started 5 years ago. (which seemingly would be when she had 5 CHILDREN in the house ranging from 5-18ish?). That seems like a mad house to me. But I have 2 6 y/o’s that can bring the noise level to window shattering it seems.

She’s a stay at home mom? How active are the children in outide anything. Dad, how much of the children’s schedule do you manage as a work outside of the house person?

Let’s go back 5 years. What does a day look like dealing with elementary school children, middle school children and probably high school children?

Who makes sure homework is helped with and such?

Who cleans the house, laundry and cooks meals?

Who gets up with sick children in the night? Or was everyone healthy this whole time, sleeping through the night. Go back to when they were babies. All of this is cumulative.

How far apart are all these children? I assume wife’s body was taxed with all these pregnancies? Or were they all adopted? Meaning at least she wasn’t pregnant, and exhausted with toddlers to chase after?

I’m very curious about how easy this woman has it? Does she sit and watch tv all day, popping bon bons?

If you do ANY research, you will see that a sleep deprived individual will NOT lose weight. Short of absolute starvation. A sleep deprived individual will also have a hard time fighting illness and such. It all becomes a very vicious cycle. A person with sleep apena IS sleep deprived. I bet her O2s are quite low.

Honestly, having a husband that does’t want sex is probably the ONLY thing not draining her last bit of energy. Why fight that?

I can see how easy it is to get here.

So, I’m wondering just how easy this woman’s life is that she can’t find time between the schedules of 5 children and a husband’s schedule to plan her food menus so that she doesn’t have to cook different meals for each family member, and get in a workout for herself.

I don’t know anyone who was 120 on their wedding day, fighting to get under 200 lbs not horrifyingly depressed about their body. I used to be thin and fit. A twin PG, and major exhaustion has sent me batteling the buldge in a way that is off the hook. It’s too depressing to discuss further.

Faithfully, first of all…hugs to you!!!

I am a working mother and I do all the housework and I’m up in the night when my kids are sick. I do all the tasks related to the children and I am exhausted most of the time.

Despite all of this, I go to the gym 4 times a week and eat a healthy diet. I am 10 pounds heavier than when I got married. Staying fit is doable and important IMO.

 

[Serap]

So OP has not returned…

troll?

 

[Havard]

troll?

Why? He never baited anyone, and many of the assumptions people drew and accusations laid at him have been frighteningly harsh. (All you care about is your wife’s weight, you aren’t supportive, I bet you’re out of shape, etc.) I wouldn’t be the slightest bit surprised if the unwarranted aggression directed back at him scared him away.

 

[EasterJoy]

troll?

a) He has a job and a real life and can’t check in three times a day.
b) He is checking in, but he isn’t finding replies that he feels need an answer from him, which could be for many reasons.
c) He didn’t get the answer he wanted, and he doesn’t feel inclined to discuss it.

All of those reasons would be within his perogative. It is possible to post a message onto an anonymous message board and then take the answers or leave them without a reply, after all.

I don’t have reason to believe that the OP is other than what he says, unless it is actually his wife who is posting.

 

[EasterJoy]

I second this idea. Personal trainers will visit your home.

A personal trainer, coming to the house 4-5 days a week? If it isn’t the wife asking, I doubt that the trainer would agree to come. There has to be a seed of self-motivation in her client, or the trainer would be wasting her time.

There are gyms at which the entire clientelle are female. Some women don’t realize that, and does make a difference.

 

[defenderoftruth]

This thread has really made me think. I see your point about laziness/boredom/emotional comfort leading to overeating and I can see how it is sin.

But HOW do you stop if you realize it’s an emotional need or boredom that leads to you eating? I think a lot of overweight people probably have deep inner wounds-- focusing on the eating part isn’t going to heal those wounds and they will probably start doing something else (I know people who exercise to an extreme (judging others who don’t) and obsess over every morsel they put in their mouths–that can’t be right either). These are the people who look down on others and feel free to make comments about other people’s weight. I think that is really wrong. It’s not OK to make comments about people’s hair color, yet it’s OK to make comments about someone’s weight?

I’m 55 years old and have gained probably 20 pounds in the last 5 years. Part is not being careful of what I eat, part is my metabolism (screwed up I believe from years of dieting), part is heredity (my mom had the same “apple” body type, part is lifestyle (full time job, much stress), part is laziness.

Also I’ve read that stress can contribute to weight gain, particularly around the waist. Cutting calories is not going to solve that either. And I don’t mean that as an excuse, I just think that people who’ve never struggled with weight have no idea how complicated it is.

The key is when you realize it’s emotional eating-GET HELP. If you are a Christian find out why you are having issues with not looking to God for that comfort but instead looked to the God of the belly (Phillippians 3:19). Talk to a priest and or a Catholic counselor. (traditional one that will see it as sinful not some “bio-chemical disorder”) Before I met my husband I emotionally overate. I ate to feel good, felt guilty because I knew it was wrong and unhealthy, then I ate somemore to feel good again and then felt more guilty-it’s a vicious cycle that has to be confronted, repented of and stopped. It’s easy to slip back into. It starts a little extra helping at a time, lack of exercise and then mmm the taste of that horrible for you food that you get comfort from instead of God and loved ones. It’s sick and sad. I know I’ve lived it. I lost 61 pounds before I met my husband, but through pregnancy, 2 miscarriages, and now 3 more pregnancies (kiddos) I’ve gotten lazy again and enjoyed my food fix-it’s selfish of me and disrespectful to my husband and children and most of all God. But I know what I’ve done, I know how to fix it and I have repented but now I have to wait till I give birth and just after to heal to get to work since my sciatic nerve is acting up and my hips hurt from being only a couple weeks from delivery. It will be fixed and taken care of though, it all starts out in the mind if you repent of it and want to fix it, it can be fixed period.

There is a couple things I hate about Biggest Loser-one they tell people that they need to be selfish and put themselves first because they’ve put everyone else first (like that’s why they are fat and overeat) not true. They put the food before others that’s how they got fat. They chose food as their drug of choice (like an alcoholic/drug addict is selfish and puts that first). AND because alot of the contestants get opposite after losing the weight, they get obsessed by it and become excercise-aholics and freak about eating ANYTHING tasty ever again with guilt and shame. You cannot cut out ALL of that food just use portion control and eat it once in a while instead of extra helpings and all the time. Like some will never eat a full egg anymore it’s all about “egg white this or that” it’s ridiculous. They turn an overeater whose obsessed with food to a exercise food freak obsessed with food.

 

[Serap]

That is not a bad idea,but I have never believed in hiring a personal trainer. I think it is over-rated and one is very capable of doing it on their own;more important,the person will gain much more confidence, if he or she did it all on their own.

100% disagree with this. I hired personal trainer b/c I wanted my lost muscle tone back. I trained for 2.5 months over the summer and now my metabolism is fast and efficient again.

I have been having hot flashes lately, so I know my estrogen levels are beginning to drop and hence, weight maintenance is even more important now. I find it incredibly difficult just to lose 3 pounds now!!!

Hugs to all women in this thread that are struggling with weight! God gave me a head start with an slender tall frame. It would be very difficult if I were 5’2" and had a bigger bone structure.

 

[Serap]

Why? He never baited anyone, and many of the assumptions people drew and accusations laid at him have been frighteningly harsh. (All you care about is your wife’s weight, you aren’t supportive, I bet you’re out of shape, etc.) I wouldn’t be the slightest bit surprised if the unwarranted aggression directed back at him scared him away.

No I was just asking Catholic90 why he/she wrote what he/she did.

 

[Serap]

A personal trainer, coming to the house 4-5 days a week? If it isn’t the wife asking, I doubt that the trainer would agree to come. There has to be a seed of self-motivation in her client, or the trainer would be wasting her time.

There are gyms at which the entire clientelle are female. Some women don’t realize that, and does make a difference.

If a trainer is being paid, he/she will show up.

Wife has to be on board though.

We have “Curves” here where they do all women interval training and it’s awesome!!!

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

100% disagree with this. I hired personal trainer b/c I wanted my lost muscle tone back. I trained for 2.5 months over the summer and now my metabolism is fast and efficient again.

I have been having hot flashes lately, so I know my estrogen levels are beginning to drop and hence, weight maintenance is even more important now. I find it incredibly difficult just to lose 3 pounds now!!!

Hugs to all women in this thread that are struggling with weight! God gave me a head start with an slender tall frame. It would be very difficult if I were 5’2" and had a bigger bone structure.

I’ll be off topic, but you might have a too low bmi, estrogen is produced by ovaries but also by fat cells. Your body is trying to hold on to it’s estrogen production, so it’s holding on to fat cells.

 

[Serap]

I’ll be off topic, but you might have a too low bmi, estrogen is produced by ovaries but also by fat cells. Your body is trying to hold on to it’s estrogen production, so it’s holding on to fat cells.

thanks, but nope, I"m not low in BMI. I’m 5’8" and 139 lbs. I’m just 40 and beginning to experience harmonal changes…not pretty when I get a hot flash on public transit. I begin taking my coat off and then I fan myself with my newspaper Everyone else around me is looking at me like I’m strange…

My mom started getting them at 40, but didn’t have menopause until she was 57. I hope I don’t have 17 years of perimenopause symptoms…

 

[Onegin]

This topic makes me sad, not so much because of the situation that the OP describes (though it is certainly unfortunate) but because of the fact that a) a counselor suggested that the OP initiate a separation over this issue and b) that the OP actually appears to be considering it.

Assuming that the OP and his wife are practicing Catholics, there’s somthing really depressing about this. Are we really discussing breaking up a marriage and a family because one of the spouses is out of shape? Really? As Catholics we ought to know better. Marriages have survived through FAR worse and the fact that a Catholic would even consider this to be grounds for separation is disturbing at best.

I don’t mean this to be judgemental or anything because I know how tought situations like this can be, but it really does open one’s eyes to the fact that stuff like this may be the reason that the divorce rate amongst Catholics is no better than that of society at large. We can do better than this. Let’s treat Marriage as the Holy Sacrament it is, and not encourage the OP to leave his Marriage and break up his family just because his wife is out of shape.

Having a healthy body weight is important, but ultimately it’s an earthly, physical thing like any other ailment. What matters is the eternal soul and getting to heaven. Let’s not let our physical ailments and concerns keep us from remembering this goal.

 

[SurlyMermaid]

This topic makes me sad, not so much because of the situation that the OP describes (though it is certainly unfortunate) but because of the fact that a) a counselor suggested that the OP initiate a separation over this issue and b) that the OP actually appears to be considering it.

Assuming that the OP and his wife are practicing Catholics, there’s somthing really depressing about this. Are we really discussing breaking up a marriage and a family because one of the spouses is out of shape? Really? As Catholics we ought to know better. Marriages have survived through FAR worse and the fact that a Catholic would even consider this to be grounds for separation is disturbing at best.

I don’t mean this to be judgemental or anything because I know how tought situations like this can be, but it really does open one’s eyes to the fact that stuff like this may be the reason that the divorce rate amongst Catholics is no better than that of society at large. We can do better than this. Let’s treat Marriage as the Holy Sacrament it is, and not encourage the OP to leave his Marriage and break up his family just because his wife is out of shape.

Having a healthy body weight is important, but ultimately it’s an earthly, physical thing like any other ailment. What matters is the eternal soul and getting to heaven. Let’s not let our physical ailments and concerns keep us from remembering this goal.

Yes!!! Yes!!! Thank you for putting this so well. This thread is making me very sad as well. Before I went down this path of learning about Catholicism, I made some poor choices. I’ve been divorced twice and this hits home. I have felt often like something disposable to person I was married to. Let’s pray this couple is blessed.

 

[AnneTeresa]

The key is when you realize it’s emotional eating-GET HELP. If you are a Christian find out why you are having issues with not looking to God for that comfort but instead looked to the God of the belly (Phillippians 3:19). Talk to a priest and or a Catholic counselor. (traditional one that will see it as sinful not some “bio-chemical disorder”) Before I met my husband I emotionally overate. I ate to feel good, felt guilty because I knew it was wrong and unhealthy, then I ate somemore to feel good again and then felt more guilty-it’s a vicious cycle that has to be confronted, repented of and stopped. It’s easy to slip back into. It starts a little extra helping at a time, lack of exercise and then mmm the taste of that horrible for you food that you get comfort from instead of God and loved ones. It’s sick and sad. I know I’ve lived it. I lost 61 pounds before I met my husband, but through pregnancy, 2 miscarriages, and now 3 more pregnancies (kiddos) I’ve gotten lazy again and enjoyed my food fix-it’s selfish of me and disrespectful to my husband and children and most of all God. But I know what I’ve done, I know how to fix it and I have repented but now I have to wait till I give birth and just after to heal to get to work since my sciatic nerve is acting up and my hips hurt from being only a couple weeks from delivery. It will be fixed and taken care of though, it all starts out in the mind if you repent of it and want to fix it, it can be fixed period.

There is a couple things I hate about Biggest Loser-one they tell people that they need to be selfish and put themselves first because they’ve put everyone else first (like that’s why they are fat and overeat) not true. They put the food before others that’s how they got fat. They chose food as their drug of choice (like an alcoholic/drug addict is selfish and puts that first). AND because alot of the contestants get opposite after losing the weight, they get obsessed by it and become excercise-aholics and freak about eating ANYTHING tasty ever again with guilt and shame. You cannot cut out ALL of that food just use portion control and eat it once in a while instead of extra helpings and all the time. Like some will never eat a full egg anymore it’s all about “egg white this or that” it’s ridiculous. They turn an overeater whose obsessed with food to a exercise food freak obsessed with food.

Thanks. I do not feel I am a “foodaholic” but sometimes I do overeat. Also I think your metabolism changes as you get older. I had a hysterectomy 2 years ago and since then I swear my whole body is changing. I am not sure it’s entirely fixable, though I think I need to watch what I eat more and try to be more active.

I have a problem with people who obsess over exercise and food. I think it’s a poor use of time and energy (not that overeating and not exercising is good). But our society is absolutely obsessed with how people look and fitness. Our skin gets dark spots, our hair turns gray, our bodies change as we get older, we lose body tone, our skin sags.

How much energy/time/money should we put into looking good? I seriously question that. What really matters in life? I’m not saying to let yourself go to pot and eat whatever you want, but isn’t there something in the middle?

Related to the OP’s initial post, my mom was overweight in her 50-60s. She had a hysterectomy which I’m sure contributed. But I have a very painful memory of waking up in the middle of the night with my dad yelling at my mom that she was fat and did she think that he would ever be attracted to her looking like that? It damaged me terribly to hear that. In response I tried to take care of my mom and protect her the rest of my life from my dad (of course that was only one thing, he said many others as well). I swore I would never ever treat anyone badly because of their weight.

Anyhow, I don’t mean to steer the topic away, but this is sort of relevant. I also find it rather discouraging to hear that some catholics have the same attitudes/values toward this as non-believers.

 

[Little_Mary]

Is overeating a vice? Can you be addicted to overeating? To food?

I heard this once: “You can stop drinking alcohol or taking drugs cold turkey and eventually overcome the addiction. You can’t do that with food. You need food to live. So, at least a couple of times a day, you’ve got to let that tiger out of its cage.”

 

[masondoggy]

This topic makes me sad, not so much because of the situation that the OP describes (though it is certainly unfortunate) but because of the fact that a) a counselor suggested that the OP initiate a separation over this issue and b) that the OP actually appears to be considering it.

Assuming that the OP and his wife are practicing Catholics, there’s somthing really depressing about this. Are we really discussing breaking up a marriage and a family because one of the spouses is out of shape? Really? As Catholics we ought to know better. Marriages have survived through FAR worse and the fact that a Catholic would even consider this to be grounds for separation is disturbing at best.

I don’t mean this to be judgemental or anything because I know how tought situations like this can be, but it really does open one’s eyes to the fact that stuff like this may be the reason that the divorce rate amongst Catholics is no better than that of society at large. We can do better than this. Let’s treat Marriage as the Holy Sacrament it is, and not encourage the OP to leave his Marriage and break up his family just because his wife is out of shape.

Having a healthy body weight is important, but ultimately it’s an earthly, physical thing like any other ailment. What matters is the eternal soul and getting to heaven. Let’s not let our physical ailments and concerns keep us from remembering this goal.

Well fwiw, I don’t remember seeing any posters in this thread agreeing with that advice. The seperation idea came from the OP’s therapist. It is absolutely appalling that any therapist would suggest seperation or divorce unless there is abuse going on. But I don’t think any of that came from here.

But yea, if his is the kind of “advice” that therapists or marriage counselors routinely give out, it does make one wonder about the ridiculous divorce rate. :nope:

 

[EasterJoy]

If a trainer is being paid, he/she will show up.

Wife has to be on board though.

We have “Curves” here where they do all women interval training and it’s awesome!!!

The wife being on board was what I was referring to. I have been a tutor, and if the person I’m tutoring is not interested in my help, it doesn’t matter what his parents would be willing to pay me. If the student will not cooperate, it is a waste of my time and his parents money. It wouldn’t be ethical to keep coming, as if I could give them something of value for the money they’re forking over. It’s not a certain amount of progress that is required, its not that help in maintaining motivation isn’t my job (because it absolutely is), but a certain level of commitment to the process and the goal is necessary. The tutor/trainer can’t supply that entirely, that is all that I meant.