Wife seems to hate me

[on_the_hill]

People take things on the internet WAY to seriously sometimes…

:twocents:

This is a post worth reading.

 

[pianistclare]

1. Every day she hates me more and spends all of her time away from the house and recently told me I should think about leaving.

I think he wants to save the marriage. He has not mentioned divorce. That’s a last ditch, no chance thing. He can turn this train around.

 

[TechieGuy]

I think he wants to save the marriage. He has not mentioned divorce. That’s a last ditch, no chance thing. He can turn this train around.

All this is true, but if his wife is ‘suggesting’ that he leave the home, then she is probably thinking about divorce.

 

[EasterJoy]

All this is true, but if his wife is ‘suggesting’ that he leave the home, then she is probably thinking about divorce.

His wife, as he describes her, is acting like a very odd Push-Me-Pull-You creature, not a typical discontented spouse with one foot out the door. I would not automatically take everything she says at face value. It does not add up to a coherent message–yes, I’ll go to counselling, no, I think we don’t need it, no, I don’t love you, yes, I want you to make me breakfast in bed. She is either having some serious mood swings, is saying things she does not mean as a way to manipulate him, or something else serious.

I don’t think his relationship with her is something one could navigate with the plain old common sense emotional intelligence tools that a typical person from a reasonably healthy home would automatically have. That spells a need for a professional to help him discern what his situation is and to form a strategy and identify the tools he’ll need to deal with it in the most positive way open to him.

 

[pianistclare]

All this is true, but if his wife is ‘suggesting’ that he leave the home, then she is probably thinking about divorce.

We’re only hearing one side.
He can seek help.
Let’s advise on the side of reconciliation instead of rounding up the wagons, .

 

[ItTakesAllKinds]

As an outsider, it seems the issue is pretty straightforward. Your wife doesn’t respect you because you aren’t providing her with the security of a regular income. She is providing herself with that. There is nothing wrong with this, as an arrangement, as long as you both agree to it. However, it seems that isn’t the case, perhaps. Your post conveyed, to me, that you are always “chasing that next dream”. Again, this is fine if you don’t have a wife and kids who need a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. My suggestion to you would be to establish a career of some sort that requires regular work hours and which pays in a regular paycheck. There is nothing wrong with being an entrepreneur, but do that in your spare time. Above all else, have a conversation with your wife about this. If this has been going on for 17 years, she may have to do some digging to get to the root of the issue for herself. Maybe she feels it is time for her to be able to pursue her ambitions in the way you have been pursing yours all this time. Communication is key.

 

[chevalier]

His wife, as he describes her, is acting like a very odd Push-Me-Pull-You creature, not a typical discontented spouse with one foot out the door. I would not automatically take everything she says at face value. It does not add up to a coherent message–yes, I’ll go to counselling, no, I think we don’t need it, no, I don’t love you, yes, I want you to make me breakfast in bed. She is either having some serious mood swings, is saying things she does not mean as a way to manipulate him, or something else serious.

Repetition of familiar patterns from childhood, ACoD style?

That particular brand of breakfast in bed looks like some sort of status mark, proof of control, or some way of equalizing the balance. In any of the three roles it would be rather infantile, which in the case of someone in at least her late thirties would mean someone partially stuck in childhood (childhood traumas rather). Kind of looks like something dad would have done to mum if such and such conditions had been met.

I don’t think his relationship with her is something one could navigate with the plain old common sense emotional intelligence tools that a typical person from a reasonably healthy home would automatically have.

Yes. U-turns after 15 years or something is not the usual push-and-pull game or even the usual borderline. It sounds like something above the paygrade of the average forum sage.

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Also, everybody seems to be focusing on resentment and paid caused by concrete factors such as disappointed hopes and expectations. Sure, that’s possible, especially as a root cause or trigger. Still, I don’t think it explains all.

What catches my attention in particular is accusing the OP of lying while herself lying about small things (projection?) and in fact small things that there doesn’t seem to be any particular reason for lying about.

In theory, I can imagine a dissatisfied woman holding herself to be above the man and also above the normal rules such as being more or less consistent or treating others the way you want to be treated. Hence it’s entirely possible that she would feel betrayed by even the smallest imaginary lies by her husband while feeling herself totally excused or entitled in lying to him, possibly lying to him out of a sort of principle, to inflict punishment or show disregard or because he doesn’t deserve an accurate response. Not a few women feel this way about men they don’t respect.

However, it’s entirely possible there’s more to the whole thing than meets the eye. There is crucial information the OP does not have.

 

[EasterJoy]

Repetition of familiar patterns from childhood, ACoD style?

That particular brand of breakfast in bed looks like some sort of status mark, proof of control, or some way of equalizing the balance. In any of the three roles it would be rather infantile, which in the case of someone in at least her late thirties would mean someone partially stuck in childhood (childhood traumas rather). Kind of looks like something dad would have done to mum if such and such conditions had been met.

Yes. U-turns after 15 years or something is not the usual push-and-pull game or even the usual borderline. It sounds like something above the paygrade of the average forum sage.

---

Also, everybody seems to be focusing on resentment and paid caused by concrete factors such as disappointed hopes and expectations. Sure, that’s possible, especially as a root cause or trigger. Still, I don’t think it explains all.

What catches my attention in particular is accusing the OP of lying while herself lying about small things (projection?) and in fact small things that there doesn’t seem to be any particular reason for lying about.

In theory, I can imagine a dissatisfied woman holding herself to be above the man and also above the normal rules such as being more or less consistent or treating others the way you want to be treated. Hence it’s entirely possible that she would feel betrayed by even the smallest imaginary lies by her husband while feeling herself totally excused or entitled in lying to him, possibly lying to him out of a sort of principle, to inflict punishment or show disregard or because he doesn’t deserve an accurate response. Not a few women feel this way about men they don’t respect.

However, it’s entirely possible there’s more to the whole thing than meets the eye. There is crucial information the OP does not have.

I agree that this is a puzzle that calls for professional help, and from a professional who can have a real-time in-person interview with at least the husband. We can make guesses, but not even a professional would dream of saying for sure what is going on here. All we can say is no, this is not in the realm of the typical, even for a couple going through a rough spot. This is truly odd.