So, today’s Mass readings are very related to this topic.
usccb.org/bible/readings/123012.cfm
On what the Catholic Church officially defines as the feast of the Holy Family, the first reading talks entirely about the parents and the love and honor they are entitled to.
Only the second reading has something to say about the wife-husband relationship:
“Wives, be subordinate to your husbands,
as is proper in the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives,
and avoid any bitterness toward them.”
So, and I ask this not to argue, but because I genuinely have been perplexed about this:
Are the directives here outdated and anachronistic? Do these need to be reinterpreted suitably to match the current prevalent world-view of husband and wife being entirely equal, and wife coming first?
But isn’t the Word of God supposed to be eternal and unchangeable?
But that Catholic teaching is that a wife IS EQUAL to her husband. She is equal in dignity and equal before the Lord. The role of husband and wife are not the same, but rather complementary. But both roles and persons are of equal value. This is the unchanged teaching of the Church.
Wives ought to be subordinate in this way: allow her husband to serve her, to allow him to lay down his life for her,to be eager to see her husband’s vision for their marriage, to be encouraging to her husband so he can develop his leadership ability, to recognize the strength and goodness of his masculinity.
Husbands ought to love their wives in this way: to be ready to lay down his life for her, to provide for her and their children, to protect her (emotionally and spiritually, as well as physically), to tenderly meet her needs as he would his own, to recognize the beauty and goodness of how her femininity complements him.
There is SO MUCH written in Holy Scripture that is descriptive of beautiful and holy marriages. Read what Adam said when he was presented to Eve. Read Song of Songs. Read Tobit. Read Paul’s epistles. Read the words of our Lord himself, regarding God’s design for marriage.
In a situation where your wife expresses one opinion and your mother expresses another, and you agree with your mother’s opinion, here is a good way to be kind and respectful to BOTH women you love. Say “Thanks for offering your opinion, Mom. Wife and I will take into consideration what you say.”
Then, when you and your wife are alone, you can say “explain to me your opinion more, and then we can discuss our options together.”. Then, LISTEN. After she has expressed herself, you can say what you opinion is on the matter, and why, but don’t use your mother’s opinion as a trump card on your wife. Have your own reasons to back up your opinion.
Then, come to an agreement TOGETHER. Remember, you and your wife are a team on a mission. If she is to be in submission to you, then you better have a good mission for her to be under. So get her involved and get her excited about your idea.
Then, next time the topic comes up with your mother, say “Wife and I discussed it and we decided together to do ‘X’ .”
Then, your next step is to be proactive about preventing any resentment from your wife to your mother or any smugness from your mother to your wife. Don’t just tell them not to be resentful or smug. But actively observe their next few interactions and assist in smoothing ruffled feathers. You are trying to build a bridge here between your two wonderful women. You love them both and it is your job to facilitate your wife’s full welcome into your family of origin. These wonderful bonds between Inlaws don’t just happen by accident. They are nurtured in a proactive fashion.
