Wife wants to end marriage because of my Catholic positions

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Riley259

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I’m writing to seek support and opinions on what to do in a very difficult situation. I reverted back to the Catholic church 5 years ago following 20+ years as an agnostic/atheist. My change was fairly dramatic and it took my wife by surprise. We were both nonpracticing and fairly emeshed in the secular culture at the time. As my faith began to deepen, my wife increasingly began vocalizing her concerns, despite the fact that I purposely was very private about my beliefs and avoided discussions about the faith and hot button issues associated with it. This tense situation came to a head about 2 weeks ago when my wife approached me and said that she wanted to end the marriage. The recent culture wars over gay marriage, stem cell research, Terry Schiavo and the election all contributed to her decision. She acknowledged that I was a good husband and father but that my beliefs were making her too anxious. We have one daughter (16 yrs old) who loves us both dearly and would be devastated by a breakup. I strongly urged her to reconsider and offered to be more “accommodating” for the sake of my daughter. She agreed to try for awhile but it’s becoming increasingly clear that she’s made up her mind about this. Despite the fact that she wants to end the marriage, she wants me to move out of the house we’ve owned and sweated over for 10 years - this is additionally making me very upset but to mimimize pain and disruption to my daughter, I don’t want to be fighting over alot of issues. All this has been extremely stressful for me and I’m worried for my daughter. I can’t change the way I feel about the faith and I wouldn’t want to but I’ve still tried to think of ways to save the marriage besides my constant prayer for her conversion. By the way, we’ve been married 17 years and at the time were married by a Protestant minister because of my wife’s previous marriage - so I know that our marriage isn’t a valid sacramental marriage anyway and in recent years that had been bothering me. Has anyone faced a similar situation and does anyone have any advice on this situation. Much appreciated and God Bless.
 
You are in a very tough spot but I can tell you this. I would not change my beliefs for anyone. It seems as if you are not pushing your beliefs on anyone but rather having unwanted beliefs being shoved down your throat. For your daughter I would at least attempt to make the marriage (agree to disagree) last until she goes off to college or moves out after she turns 18. If that is possible. You seem to be very unselfish and thinking of your daughter, which is good and I hope your wife will do the same but if push comes to shove though you know what the right decision is as a faithful Catholic. I’ll say a prayer for you!
 
I am so sorry you are going through this. I don’t really have any advice, but I have seen several friends/relatives struggle when one spouse is religious/devout and the other isn’t. Woudl your wife agree to some counseling? Like the pp mentioned, it doesn’t seem like you are trying to convert her…is it that she doesn’t share your beliefs? I too am not sure I could change my beliefs to accomodate someone else. But…when you have invested that much of your life with someone, AND have a child…I don’t know what to tell you other than to pray about it. I too will pray for you AND for your wife. I hope you are able to come to an amicable decision.

J
 
Before I write a lengthy reply I have a background question for you. You said you and your wife were married protestant, would she consider attending a protestant church with the understanding that if she didn’t like it you would find another?
 
Riley, I could be speaking out of turn here, but I don’t think it would be wise of you to move out of the house at this time. If she is insisting on separating, suggest separate bedrooms or something. Legally, I think it might put you at a disadvantage. I know that sounds a little cold, but I felt compelled to advise you of this.

To your main problem, there are many Saints who dealt with this problem. St. Monica for one. Someone told me that she was told by someone to talk more to God about Augustine (her son) than to Augustine about God. Again, I don’t want to sound insensitive, but do you talk about your newfound faith a lot. Do you complain that she doesn’t go to Mass with you? Insist that your daughter goes? I know when my husband did not go to church I did all of these things and it got me nowhere. I started quietly practicing my faith in private and offering my frustrations and pain over the situation up for my husband’s conversion. After 18 years of marriage he now goes to church every Sunday. He still doesn’t understand why one HAS to go to church on Holy Days or why pray Novenas/Rosary, etc., but he has come a long, long way.
My advice is to be firm in your faith, but practice quietly. I’m reading an excellent book on Elisabeth Lesseur. Her husband was an atheist and she did as I described above and kept a journal about her struggles. After she died, her husband became a priest.
I hope I helped you some. You will be in my prayers.

God Bless
Giannawannabe
 
Don’t leave the house. Your child needs you. This has got to be very tough. Find a good lawyer. Your wife will, so you need to be prepared, and smart. Pray, pray and pray some more it never hurts. Make sure your 16 yr old knows this isn’t about her. I know you think she knows but the kids really have a hard time believing it so telling her she is amazing about 100 times a day should do it. Besides if your wife is feeling uncomfortable she can leave ;), House rule at my house who ever goes to bed is there and if you can’t stand to sleep their because you are mad then you are the one who sleeps on the uncomfy couch :). Tends to make those arguments or hurt feelings not last as long. (we have a very uncomfy couch) I will put your family in my prayers tonight.
 
I heard a sermon on exactly this point once, by a Presbyterian minister. It seemed scriptural at the time, but right now I’ll just give you a summary because I don’t feel like trying to find the applicable verses now.

Point one is that you should not become unequally yoked, in that a believer should not marry an unbeliever.

Point two is that if one of you comes to believe after the marriage, then the one who believes is obligated to stay faithful, while the one who doesn’t believe has the free will choice to stay or walk.

Of course, you don’t want her to walk and I don’t see anything wrong with you trying to convince her to stay. You are obligated by your faith to keep her even as an unbeliever, if she chooses to stay. Therefore, she should not be troubled by questions over whether your newly renewed faith is a threat to your relationship with her.

Your wife could be “justified” by your faith, since she is a part of you, so I think that means you don’t have to sweat about trying to get her to convert to save her from hell or anything like that.

Personally I’d think in this situation, I would not even suggest that she might consider converting any time soon. I don’t think that’s your primary responsibility. As others have suggested, keeping your family together is important, and I agree you should fight for it.

Alan
 
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kazmierczak:
Before I write a lengthy reply I have a background question for you. You said you and your wife were married protestant, would she consider attending a protestant church with the understanding that if she didn’t like it you would find another?
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We were married by a Protestant minister only because we couldn’t get married in the Catholic church due to her previous unannulled marriage. At the time, neither of us were really serious about formal worship. As a reaction to my initial reversion, she did attend a Universal Unitarian church a couple times on the advice of a friend but quickly found that it didn’t suit her. Her dislike for the Catholic church stems from her secular stands (which are the opposite of the church’s positions) and the priest scandal from 2-3 yrs ago. She shows no interest in attending any church at this time.
 
Wow, I just spent 10 minutes writing a long post and it logged me out of the website so I didn’t get to post it. I’ll try to summarize what I said.

You and your wife should definitly seek couseling. In the mean time agree to disagree. Be carefull in what you say to her. Don’t start arguements. If she says something you don’t agree with as her why she thinks that. After she’s done talking say interesting. Let her know you love her and are not going to judge her for having different beliefs or political thought than you. Don’t tell her she’s wrong, I know we know she is, but it doesn’t serve any purpose right now but to cause tension. She needs to feel safe, and right now she feels threatend and her first thought it to move out of the situation. Don’t let her push you out of the home and don’t let her leave. Also, consider if there is another issue in progress here and the politics/religion is an exuse. If not, tell her you love her and are willing to follow your religious beliefs apart from her. I know this is counterintuitive but as long as she sees you live your life in christ someday she will get curious and ask you to show her. Do not leave her out of your life. If anything make sure to involve her in more decisions, to let her know that while you don’t agree with her you value her as a person and a wife. My wife and I went through this, however she was willing to attend church so we are starting where she is comfortable and moving day by day towards the true church. We are catholic, we have the benefit of seeing and knowing the truth. Sometimes others do not. Understand the if she doesn’t believe in anything right now she can be feeling very alone. When you were together in your disbelief she was not alone, now that your going back to the catholic church really make sure she doesn’t feel abandoned. Some may say that you need to be hard and don’t back off cause God is most important and if you wife leaves you still are staying the course for God. This is wrong. You have an opportunity to seriously benefit the life and soul of your wife. Even if she just sees how living for Christ affects your life you have done well. Now that being said, make sure she understands that you will not leave your faith behind or change, God is most important and thats that. However, its not fair to let her think she can change your mind. Just let her know that your willing to bend if she will. Hope this helps more than it confuses. If there are any questions or clarifications needed I’ll be happy to try.

Best of luck, you are in my prayers
 
Don’t leave the house! If you do you will be seen as the one abandoning the marriage and your wife and child. This will be held against you in the courts and taken into consideration in the court’s deliberations and decisions. Do not let yourself be manipulated into that situation.
 
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Emmaus:
Don’t leave the house! If you do you will be seen as the one abandoning the marriage and your wife and child. This will be held against you in the courts and taken into consideration in the court’s deliberations and decisions. Do not let yourself be manipulated into that situation.
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Believe me, the last thing I want to do is leave my house especially since it is my wife who wants to end the marriage and not I. However, when I did mention this she did say that she would not consider leaving the house and that she would go to court if necessary (this was very unsettling because I had never seen this side of her). She went on to say that a judge almost always favors the mother in terms of possession of the house especially when there’s a daughter involved. Is this statement accurate? I’m also reluctant to fight her on this because a protracted battle involving lawyers is likely to emotionally damaged my daughter and I don’t want to hurt her. Does anyone know where I stand on this issue? Thanks for all the advice so far. God Bless.
 
Here is a stroy from Bishop Sheen:
Just at the turn of the century, there was a woman married in Paris, just a good, ordinary Catholic girl, to an atheist doctor, Dr. Felix Leseur. He attempted to break down the faith of his wife and she reacted and began studying her faith. In l905, she was taken ill and tossed on a bed of constant pain until August 1914. When she was dying, she said to her husband, “Felix, when I am dead, you will become a Catholic and a Dominican priest.”

“Elizabeth, you know my sentiments. I’ve sworn hatred of God, I shall live in the hatred and I shall die in it.”
Code: 
  She repeated her words and passed away.  She died in her husband's arms at the early age of 47.

  Rummaging through her papers, Felix found her will.  She wrote:

  "In l905, I asked almighty God to send me sufficient sufferings to purchase your soul.  On the day that I die, the price will have been paid.  Greater love than this no woman has than she who lay down her life for her husband."

  Dr. Leseur, the atheist, dismissed her will as the fancies of a pious woman.  He decided to write a book against Lourdes.  He went down to Lourdes to write against Our Lady.

  However, as he looked up into the face of the statue of Mary, he received the great gift of faith.  So total, so complete was it, that he never had to go through the process of juxtaposition and say, "how will I answer this or that difficulty?"  

  He saw it all.  At once.

  The then reigning pontiff was Benedict XV.  Then came World War I.  Hearing of the conversion of Dr. Leseur, Pope Benedict XV sent for him.  Dr. Leseur went in the company of Fr. Jon Vinnea, orator of Notre Dame.  Dr. Leseur recounted his conversion and said that he wanted to become a Dominican priest.  Holy Father said, "I forbid you.  You must remain in the world and repair the harm which you have done."

  The Holy Father then talked to Fr. Vinnea and then again to Dr. Leseur and said:

  "I revoke my decision.  Whatever Fr. Vinnea tells you to do, you may do."

 In the year 1924, during Lent, I, Fulton J. Sheen, made my retreat in the Dominican monastery in Belgium.  Four times each day, and 45 minutes in length, I made my retreat under the spiritual guidance of Father Felix Leseur of the Order of Preachers, Catholic Dominican priest, who told me this story.
So my biggest advice is to PRAY ALOT!
 
Believe me, the last thing I want to do is leave my house especially since it is my wife who wants to end the marriage and not I. However, when I did mention this she did say that she would not consider leaving the house and that she would go to court if necessary (this was very unsettling because I had never seen this side of her). She went on to say that a judge almost always favors the mother in terms of possession of the house especially when there’s a daughter involved. Is this statement accurate? I’m also reluctant to fight her on this because a protracted battle involving lawyers is likely to emotionally damaged my daughter and I don’t want to hurt her. Does anyone know where I stand on this issue? Thanks for all the advice so far. God Bless.
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I would strongly advise you to NOT leave the house. If your wife wants to go to court over it then let her. Your daughter is in for a rough road either way, but at least this way she will know the truth: that her mother wants out not you and that you are willing to fight for her. Also, things are not nearly as black and white as they used to be in these issue, it is very possible that your wife could lose the house as she is the one wanting to leave and seeking action to do so. Your daughter is 16, not 6 so it’s not as though your wife is a stay-at-home mom and it isn’t going to weight as heavy as she is letting on. You are not hurting your daughter - her mother is. I wouldn’t tell either of them that though, just be as kind and FIRM as possible. I agree it’s time for a lawyer for you - I have a sneaking suspision your wife already has one as has been thinking/preparing for this for some time now.

Good luck and God Bless!
 
I will pray for you situation. I wish I had some good advise for you. I may be pretty sheltered or niave but I find it mind boggling that someone would leave a marriage of 17 years over "over gay marriage, stem cell research, Terry Schiavo and the election ". It seems like you’ve not been intrusive or pushy with your religious beliefs so she wants to leave you over “political” positions?
How was your marriage before you re-version? What caused your “dramatic” re-version?
I agree with everyone else don’t move out. You have kept your vows and you haven’t done anything (that I see from your comments) wrong. My gut just tells me your marriage wasn’t that strong before your returned to the faith and this has brought everything to the surface.
 
I will give you my two cents.

I think you are very commendable for trying to save your marriage. I am very sorry that this has come to the impasse that it seems to be. Of course continue to pray for your wife’s conversion… but ultimately, you must take care of your soul.

So, my advice is two fold. First, talk to a trusted priest about your irregular marriage situation, options, and how to try to maintain peace in the household.

Second, retain the best lawyer you can afford. Find one that has experience with the family court system, preferrably a lawyer who has done ad lidum (is that the right spelling) work— meaning a lawyer who has represented the interest of minor children in the court. These are the cream of the family law crop. Also, as far as courts go, your daughter-- at 16-- will be able to give (name removed by moderator)ut to the court on who she would want to live with, etc.

DO NOT, under any circumstances, move out of the house.

At this difficult time, the worst thing you can do is give in to your wife out of a desire to avoid conflict. Your daughter is worth the fight.
 
you might check out http://www.retrouvaille.org/ . It offers help for hurting marriages. Also, I encourage you to talk to a Catholic priest about all of this and ask for his advice, as well as go to the sacrament of reconciliation.

You might also want to join my group - it was created for those practicing Catholics who are dealing with the pain of a fallen away Catholic (or in your case, non-Catholic) in their lives. My web site is at lovecatholic.tripod.com . I have also created a Yahoo group where members can correspond with each other for support and prayers, and people can join by going to groups.yahoo.com/group/lovecatholic/ or by sending an email to lovecatholic-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

May God bless you in your journey.
 
Ask a priest for advice…that’s wat I would do…you’re in my prayers
 
Although I’m sure she does disagree with you on moral issues, I think there is more to her decision than that. After my own conversion 12 years ago, my marriage was under a terrible strain. Basically, it was because I was so in love with the Lord. That to my husband it was like I was having an affair right in front of his eyes. And he was jealous.

Your wife probably recognizes that it is more than rules and regulations that have entered your life. It is a person, Jesus Christ. And she knows that she cannot compete with Him. Basically her choices are to join you or leave you. And obviously has chosen to leave.

In regard to my own marriage, I handled it by curtailing my activities and keeping much of my spirituality to myself. As a result I entered more deeply into the Interior Life. And since my marriage was sacramental, I frequently called on the Lord to renew it. I know that this is not an option for you. But prayer is always an option no matter what the situation is.

Also, just a thought… Why not pray to Pope John Paul II and ask for his intercession? He loved us all so much, he is sure to help you.
Mary
 
Wow Riley. I wish I had some brilliant words of wisdom, but I don’t. My heart aches for you. How horrible to be pulled one way by your faith and another by your spouse. Have the two of you been able to sit down and discuss your differing opinions? I know that sometimes when someone comes back to the faith, or finds faith in the first place, they may be particularly zealous. I’m not saying you are being that way. Is it possible that you may have spoken in angry frustration to your wife regarding some of the issues you described? She may be wondering where her husband went…and what alien has stolen him. I can’t help but think that if you respond to her in love…theologically appropriate love…she may still respond to you in love. I know I sometimes get frustrated with my non-religious family over issues that are close to my heart, and that frustration sometimes comes out in a way I wish it didn’t. They’ve come to relate to me (and I to them) better when I don’t get exasperated, but explain as cooly and calmly as possible my beliefs…all the while reminding them of how much I love them…no matter what. Please stay strong…a 17 year marriage is something to fight for. You two are amazing in that you’ve stayed together so long in this disposable world…stay longer if you can. Always let her know how much you love her and respect her. Lead by gentle example, as Christ did, and you may be amazed.

Much love and many prayers for you both,
Jennifer
 
Pick up a copy of “Rome Sweet Home” by Kimberly and Scott Hahn. Scott converts and Kimberly almost leaves him for it, but then she ends up coming home too. It’s very compelling and may give you some hope.
 
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