Wife wants to end marriage because of my Catholic positions

[Meggie]

don’t leave home…you will loose your daughter probably forever…at this age, or even while she is in college…she needs you despratly and being in a different home will not be anywhere near as good

 

[Riley259]

Mary's Lamb:

Although I’m sure she does disagree with you on moral issues, I think there is more to her decision than that. After my own conversion 12 years ago, my marriage was under a terrible strain. Basically, it was because I was so in love with the Lord. That to my husband it was like I was having an affair right in front of his eyes. And he was jealous.

Your wife probably recognizes that it is more than rules and regulations that have entered your life. It is a person, Jesus Christ. And she knows that she cannot compete with Him. Basically her choices are to join you or leave you. And obviously has chosen to leave.

In regard to my own marriage, I handled it by curtailing my activities and keeping much of my spirituality to myself. As a result I entered more deeply into the Interior Life. And since my marriage was sacramental, I frequently called on the Lord to renew it. I know that this is not an option for you. But prayer is always an option no matter what the situation is.

Also, just a thought… Why not pray to Pope John Paul II and ask for his intercession? He loved us all so much, he is sure to help you.
Mary

Thanks for the advice. I actually have prayed to JP II a couple times following his death to intercede on my behalf. Yes, I actually have been keeping my spirituality to myself and this has been frustrating but I did it so as not to further provoke my wife. She only knows my positions on things because she probed me about them - I never preached or put forth my positions.

 

[Riley259]

tcay584:

Wow Riley. I wish I had some brilliant words of wisdom, but I don’t. My heart aches for you. How horrible to be pulled one way by your faith and another by your spouse. Have the two of you been able to sit down and discuss your differing opinions? I know that sometimes when someone comes back to the faith, or finds faith in the first place, they may be particularly zealous. I’m not saying you are being that way. Is it possible that you may have spoken in angry frustration to your wife regarding some of the issues you described? She may be wondering where her husband went…and what alien has stolen him. I can’t help but think that if you respond to her in love…theologically appropriate love…she may still respond to you in love. I know I sometimes get frustrated with my non-religious family over issues that are close to my heart, and that frustration sometimes comes out in a way I wish it didn’t. They’ve come to relate to me (and I to them) better when I don’t get exasperated, but explain as cooly and calmly as possible my beliefs…all the while reminding them of how much I love them…no matter what. Please stay strong…a 17 year marriage is something to fight for. You two are amazing in that you’ve stayed together so long in this disposable world…stay longer if you can. Always let her know how much you love her and respect her. Lead by gentle example, as Christ did, and you may be amazed.

Much love and many prayers for you both,
Jennifer

When I initially came back to the faith I did purchase a few books on spirituality and apologetics and this did throw her a bit. In recent years I was very discrete about the Catholic material that I read but she recently found a folder of some articles I had gathered on such issues as same-sex marriage and the like and this made her furious and actually prompted this latest crisis although I’m sure it had been brewing for awhile. Another poster mentioned the possibility of her being forced to make a choice between joining me in my faith or leaving me - there is a great deal of truth to this statement and I felt that she put herself in a position where there would be no middle ground. My wife was always very secular minded (as was I in the old days) and could be described as “spiritually lazy” in that she never ever wanted to discuss metaphysical or spiritual things. She just wanted to live her life without pondering the big picture so my interest in this stuff was puzzling and I guess threatening all at once.

 

[Fitz]

I agree with all those that said:
Seek counseling
Stay in the home-you will be accused of abandonment otherwise
Reassure your daughter and be the best dad you can be under the
circumstances

I have seen couples that have survived worse situations and differences of opinion. It always takes much work and it seems you know that. I will pray for your family.

 

[La_Chiara]

Riley–I suspect your marriage must have been less than fulfilling even before this. But I agree that you can’t abandon your faith nor should you give up on your marriage. In addition to speaking with a priest, consider finding a Catholic marriage counselor. Also, reach out to your wife in love. In a sense, she feels betrayed because you have found something that she doesn’t share and that she fears will come between you, or perhaps something that she fears means more to you than she does. Become the best person and husband that God calls you to be. As you become that person, surely she will respond positively. God bless and don’t give up.

 

[SHEMP]

Be willing to lay your life down for your wife and family.

 

[Tateman]

That sounds like a tough situation. I will pray for your situation. I think it would be a good idea to go to Eucharistic adoration and pray for your wife. I hope things work out.

Peace,
Tateman

 

[Ray_Scheel]

She’s showing many signs of insecurity and is manipulating to try to make what se perceives as a problem go away. If she couldn’t even handle the universalists, she’s just plain anti-religious, they are about *** far from catholicism as you can get without moving into the cults. Presing for counseling together, and soon, is a must at this point. But it is still time to talk to a good lawyer, the decision to do that was made for you when you started to feel like your daughter was being impacted by what your wife was up to.

Wanting you to leave when she’s the one wanting to end things is the big clue, the bit about the legal system siding with the wife bears that out. The reason the wife usually gets the house is that usually it is the husband that leaves, and the cliche about posession being 9/10s of the law has a lot of truth to it.

Probing you about your positions and the attack regarding the folder of articles on same sex marriage is the less obvious end, but its the root. She’s scared of the change in you and is trying to “scare” you into giving up the new attitude you have that is scaring her.

At this point you know she’s either (at worst) going thorugh your stuff looking for “ammo” or (at best) is trying make the most negative approach she can when she thinks she sees a soft spot. If she’s spiritually lazy, she shouldt have cared about hte same sex marriage articles - I’m thinking that was an effort to get under your skin. However, take that as a warning to hide as much of the printed religious goods as you can. Look into getting a portable storage device with a secured area for electronic documents, someplace to keep your bookmarks and articles (and transcripts of the conversations you have regarding potential separation issues) without her being able to find them.

 

[springbreeze]

Dear friend

I am very sorry to hear your marriage is going through this. Please try and keep in your heart that all marriages have difficulties and they sometimes even come to the point of temporary seperation to be reconciled later.

I don’t know if anyone has already suggested this to you as I have not read all of the posts, so apologies if someone already has. But I would suggest you go and speak to your Priest about all of this and be honest and frank with him. He may be able to refer you to a Catholic marriage guidance service which obviously will be sensitive to your beliefs.

I am sure your wife loves you. Love doesn’t just die. The differences in your beliefs can be reconciled and you must place all of your trust in God that this IS possible, even if your wife never converts to the faith, it IS possible for two people to share a long and happy marriage with differing beliefs.

Remain in your home, you lessen the possibility of resolving problems between you if you do not remain within the family network.

You may like to cease discussing anything regarding your faith with your wife and focus on the small things of day to day living and through these show her how much you love her. You may also like to show your wife you love her whatever her beliefs are and reassure her of this.

Christ Jesus can be shown to people without even mentioning His name, this may seem counter-productive to bringing people to faith and preaching the Gospel, but the Gospel is best taught in silence through our actions of love and kindness to each other that is fundamentally rooted in love of Christ Jesus.

Your wife is not you, too often in relationships couples go about trying to change their partners to suit their own wants and desires of them, sometimes to suit an ideal that exists in people’s own minds of what a partner should be. Put all of your trust in God and love your wife for WHO she is, she then may begin to relax and love you for WHO you are. They say eventually we mimick the one we love most, growing older together. I see this often in many old couples who almost grow to be clones of each other! If you love Christ Jesus the most, as you will as a Christian, you will mimick Him and in mimicking Him, your wife will be drawn to this goodness and mimick you. She may never convert dear friend, but her heart will be good. doing all things as you do and as Christ Jesus does and God desires of you both.

You may like to cease the rows and conflict over faith, God is not to be something people hate each other for and quarrel over, God is Love. You might like to show your wife God by your love in your actions and be silent with your words about God.

I read somewhere…Human love is a reflection of Divine Love.

I will keep you in my prayers and also my prayers before the Blessed Sacrament.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa

 

[Katie1723]

Is it possible that your wife has become "involved " with someone else and is using your “spirituality” as an excuse to end the marriage?
~ Kathy ~

 

[Riley259]

Katie1723:

Is it possible that your wife has become "involved " with someone else and is using your “spirituality” as an excuse to end the marriage?

~ Kathy ~

I asked her about this and she said that she wasn’t seeing anyone or having an affair - she seemed sincere about it.

 

[jess7396]

Riley- I have nothing to add that has not already been said, but wanted you to know that you and your family are in my prayers.

 

[pittsburghjeff]

My heart breaks for you friend. You are definitely experiencing a type of martyrdom for your faith. Offer it up knowing that Jesus told us that as the world hated him, so it will hate us. But he also promised us great rewards in heaven when we suffer for his sake.

I am not in a position to give you solid advice about what to do with your marriage. You should discuss it with a trusted spiritual advisor before rushing to any decisions either way.

 

[Red_Rain_Drops]

Please don’t change your belief for anyone.
I did that when i was with a Islamic man, i deeply regret it.

 

[sparkle]

Friend:

I wonder if this whole thing has more to do with other issues in your marriage and less to do with your Catholic Faith???

I would suggest calling a good Christian counselor right away and going together this week. It could save your marriage! It has ours!!!

God Bless You~~

 

[newf]

It seems your wife is very hostile. People in darkness really hate the light, and Riley, you have the light.

So…I recommend showing her unconditional love by:
-bringing her flowers
-bringing home carry-in so she doesn’t have to cook dinner
-do the dishes for her when she cooks
-put gas in her car for her
-wash her car for her
Little acts of kindness can go a long way.

Do NOT leave the house.

Get a good lawyer, too.

I will pray with you for a miracle.

 

[sarai]

Riley259:

Believe me, the last thing I want to do is leave my house especially since it is my wife who wants to end the marriage and not I. However, when I did mention this she did say that she would not consider leaving the house and that she would go to court if necessary (this was very unsettling because I had never seen this side of her). She went on to say that a judge almost always favors the mother in terms of possession of the house especially when there’s a daughter involved. Is this statement accurate? I’m also reluctant to fight her on this because a protracted battle involving lawyers is likely to emotionally damaged my daughter and I don’t want to hurt her. Does anyone know where I stand on this issue? Thanks for all the advice so far. God Bless.

When my husband divorced his exwife, they had to sell the house they had together and split the money from the sale.

 

[mikev]

Don’t leave the house, abandoning your wife and daughter. As far as insulating your daughter from any legal battles; at least she’ll know you are trying to keep the family together. Make sure she knows this is not about her, you love her no matter what.

By the way, how aware is your daughter about all of this? Did you explain your conversion/reversion to her? Do you take her to church with you? Could your wife be worried about the effect this could have on their relationship?

I’ll pray for your situation as well.

 

[Riley259]

mikev:

Don’t leave the house, abandoning your wife and daughter. As far as insulating your daughter from any legal battles; at least she’ll know you are trying to keep the family together. Make sure she knows this is not about her, you love her no matter what.

By the way, how aware is your daughter about all of this? Did you explain your conversion/reversion to her? Do you take her to church with you? Could your wife be worried about the effect this could have on their relationship?

I’ll pray for your situation as well.

Yes, my daughter is very aware of my reversion and my wife has allowed me to raise her in the faith. Every Sunday it’s just my daughter and I that go to church and my wife’s absence during these past few years has been painful. She’s been pretty good about this issue but she won’t hesitate to “bash” the church in front of my daughter if she feels inclined. I definitely don’t want to leave the house but I don’t know if I can take the hostility and court battle that would ensue if I stayed. If our situation can’t be worked out and a split is inevitable (which at this point it seems to be), ideally I would like to stay in the house and raise my daughter. I’d give my wife as much visitation as needed and would be looking to buy out her share of the house if it came to that. I love the house and location and would want to keep it but as I’ve said, she seems determined to stay herself. I’d hate to have to have my daughter choose - she’s 16 and would probably be allowed a say in it in court - but that would be so stressful and painful and would likely hurt other aspects of the split that would need to be decided. I’m so torn about the house issue. Any other advice would be appreciated and yes, I realize that I need good legal advice. I’d only do it I really thought I had a good shot at getting it. God Bless everyone for their prayers in this matter.

 

[Riley259]

newf:

It seems your wife is very hostile. People in darkness really hate the light, and Riley, you have the light.

So…I recommend showing her unconditional love by:
-bringing her flowers
-bringing home carry-in so she doesn’t have to cook dinner
-do the dishes for her when she cooks
-put gas in her car for her
-wash her car for her
Little acts of kindness can go a long way.

Do NOT leave the house.

Get a good lawyer, too.

I will pray with you for a miracle.

I’ve been trying the unconditional love and did most of the things you mentioned but so far she seems unaffected by it.