Wife wants to end marriage because of my Catholic positions

[SusanL]

Riley259:

I’ve been trying the unconditional love and did most of the things you mentioned but so far she seems unaffected by it.

We’re all praying for you, Riley. Keep doing that stuff anyways. She may be a hard nut to crack but she can crack. Be patient with her anyways.

You know what is interesting that no one has brought up? Your daughter observing what a Catholic should be by watching you.

And she is watching you.

Through all of this pain, all of this turmoil, she is learning how a true lover of God behaves.

You may not see any change in your wife for awhile even though you do all of these kind, considerate acts of love. That does not mean that they go unnoticed. She may not want you to see that she notices.

This is pressure in a positive way to show unconditional love and patience.

You are fighting the devil’s influence, my friend. He is trying desperately to pull you away from the church by threatening your marriage. ( I realize that you probably already know that.)

Make a game with yourself to think of creative ways of loving her. I know it is hard. It is monstrously difficult but try anyways and realize that you never know when her heart is going to crack and let you in again. The more she makes life difficult for you—the more she is feeling that positive pressure and is trying to resist.

And like the others have said---------

Don’t move.

 

[SusanL]

Also, with every kind and loving act that you do for her…

With every angry retort and smart alecky reply that you keep from throwing at her…

With every act of patience that you produce…

in your mind: wrap it up and give it as a gift to Jesus.

 

[Mary_s_Lamb]

Riley,

After my conversion I too tried unconditional love with my husband. You would think that someone would repond in a positive way to love. But he did not. In fact for quite a long while, he got worse. It was like he was testing me. It was like he was saying to me “If I do this, then will you still love me?” Then I realized that because of his own upbringing in a dysfunctional family, he never learned what unconditional love was. So it was like we had to undo all those years of conditional love first.

Fortunately, God gave me the grace to get through it. Things are about 80% better. But we are not yet where we should be. But then I remember that life is a life long journey. I don’t have to make it all perfect now. So this is a lesson in the virtue of patience for me as well.

mary

 

[Smiley]

Riley,

I have just read your post and all the replies to date. I agree with the advice you are getting so far. I reconverted to the Church almost four years ago. My husband and I were married in a Catholic church after he converted from a non-denominational Christian to Catholicism. We both went through an RCIA class in our college town, because I knew little about my faith and had not been confirmed. I am saddened to say that our RCIA class stayed mute on the tough moral issues of our culture, such as contraception, abortion, homosexuality, and divorce. I did not learn the church’s teachings on all of this and why until 4 years ago. My husband did not know the what and whys either until I started witnessing my faith to him.
It has been now three years, since we have struggled to be merely friends in our marriage, while raising our 8,10, and 4 year old children. My husband tolerated my reconversion fairly quietly for a year, but then right at the year mark he severed intimacy with me because of “our lack of commonality on moral issues”. I am blessed that so far he has stood by his initial words three years ago that he “believes in God and that he made a vow to stay with me no matter what and he plans to do so”. The pain for me has been tremendous, but God has carried me! I continue to witness to him my faith, by being who I am, a devout Catholic and child of God, yet I always am aware of his insecurities and fears about God and his Church.
Unfortunately, there are many, many spouses that face this problem in their marriages and there is no “silver bullet” solution for all. However, here is what has helped me and my marriage, so far.

1. First, we tried counseling for a few months, but although it helped me greatly, my husband was not willing to be open minded on most issues confronting us.
2. I have found a trusted parish priest to help me spiritually with this journey, who understands that divorce for me is not an option. God joined my in marriage, and I trust his redemptive powers! I am in this place for a reason, and someday God will show me the reason.
3. I also have a spirtual director through my archdiocese, because my priest spiritual director, is a very busy man, so I do not get to meet with him, but a few times a year. I can go to my archdiocesan director much more frequently.
4. This forum and the staff at Catholic Answers has really comforted me with support on the phone, the internet, and radio.
5. I go to Mass every Sunday with my children and offer the Mass up for the soul of my husband.
6. I also go to either daily Mass or Eucharistic adoration at a parish that has a perpectual adoration chapel to ask God for the grace I need to witness to my husband and to deepen my faith.
7. I do much of what SusanL replied to you with the unconditional love and what Pope John Paul II always taught me, which is to love the humanity of my husband. He is made in Christ’s likeness and image whether he wants to be or not. I believe he is yearning for the truth, as I was, whether he is ready to seek it or not.
8. I make God my #1 priority in my life and as much as my husband can handle in my children’s. SusanL is also right in that your wife and daughter are watching you to see how this God can help you under this stress. Show them that He can give you strength and abounding love.
9. Study the bible for its wisdom on the topic of holding on to your faith while being persecuted.

Riley, finally no matter how your wife treats you be Jesus Christ’s hands, feet, heart, and voice to her. Treat her as a child of God. She will not know what to do with your constant kindness and love. It will puzzle her, but let it glow in all your conversations with her doing this difficult period. Stand true to your faith for your salvation and the salvation of your wife and daughter. I know your witness, love, and compassion can make a difference. Lastly, trust God with all your heart, mind, and soul. He has heard your prayers and is with you, turn to him in the blessed sacrament when you need guidance. He will send the Holy Spirity to guide you. You are where you are supposed to be, doing God’s work!
God Bless you and I will pray for you and your family!

 

[robert_ambrose]

Riley259:

I’m writing to seek support and opinions on what to do in a very difficult situation. I reverted back to the Catholic church 5 years ago following 20+ years as an agnostic/atheist. My change was fairly dramatic and it took my wife by surprise. We were both nonpracticing and fairly emeshed in the secular culture at the time. As my faith began to deepen, my wife increasingly began vocalizing her concerns, despite the fact that I purposely was very private about my beliefs and avoided discussions about the faith and hot button issues associated with it. This tense situation came to a head about 2 weeks ago when my wife approached me and said that she wanted to end the marriage. The recent culture wars over gay marriage, stem cell research, Terry Schiavo and the election all contributed to her decision. She acknowledged that I was a good husband and father but that my beliefs were making her too anxious. We have one daughter (16 yrs old) who loves us both dearly and would be devastated by a breakup. I strongly urged her to reconsider and offered to be more “accommodating” for the sake of my daughter. She agreed to try for awhile but it’s becoming increasingly clear that she’s made up her mind about this. Despite the fact that she wants to end the marriage, she wants me to move out of the house we’ve owned and sweated over for 10 years - this is additionally making me very upset but to mimimize pain and disruption to my daughter, I don’t want to be fighting over alot of issues. All this has been extremely stressful for me and I’m worried for my daughter. I can’t change the way I feel about the faith and I wouldn’t want to but I’ve still tried to think of ways to save the marriage besides my constant prayer for her conversion. By the way, we’ve been married 17 years and at the time were married by a Protestant minister because of my wife’s previous marriage - so I know that our marriage isn’t a valid sacramental marriage anyway and in recent years that had been bothering me. Has anyone faced a similar situation and does anyone have any advice on this situation. Much appreciated and God Bless.

I think there is another reason apart from the fact that you are a catholic, dig deeper , has the romance died

 

[OriginalJS]

Emmaus:

Don’t leave the house! If you do you will be seen as the one abandoning the marriage and your wife and child. This will be held against you in the courts and taken into consideration in the court’s deliberations and decisions. Do not let yourself be manipulated into that situation.

Amen, amen, amen, I am a lawyer who has handled numerous divorce cases. Don’t leave, he who leaves, loses. Hang tight. Try to convince her to leave to “get her head on straight, etc.” Get a good matrimonial lawyer and listen to him/her. Those folks are brutal and tough but you have an obligation to your daughter that forbids you to cave in and take the “easy” way out.