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vern_humphrey
Guest
Why?
If the intent is to save this marriage, forcing a mother to give up her child will not help.
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If the intent is to save this marriage, forcing a mother to give up her child will not help.
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gez722
Guest
vern humphrey:
What I said was “Is there any possibility that the child could be put up for adoption?”, not “the mother should be forced to give up the child”. I agree that nobody should be forced to give up their child against their will, but it may be a means to 1) save the marriage and 2.) allow the child to be raised by loving parents.
I merely threw the idea out there as a possible compromise that could be discussed.
God Bless,
Gary
Vern,
What I said was “Is there any possibility that the child could be put up for adoption?”, not “the mother should be forced to give up the child”. I agree that nobody should be forced to give up their child against their will, but it may be a means to 1) save the marriage and 2.) allow the child to be raised by loving parents.
I merely threw the idea out there as a possible compromise that could be discussed.
God Bless,
Gary
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vern_humphrey
Guest
If I were the husband, I would not even mention adoption – given the circumstances, it might look to the wife as if she were being given an ultimatum. It might be couched as tenderly as possible – but the idea is still there – “I don’t want to raise this child.”
And if the wife brings it up, will she not someday grieve for the child she gave up?
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mosher
Guest
I can sympathize because I have in a sense experienced this. My grandfathers grandmother had an affair with a man by whom she became pregnant. In those days the shame of this situation was much worse than in today’s culture especially in a small community in northern New Mexico. However, her husband stuck by her the entire time because he loved her and raised my greatgrandfather as his own son without exception. Of course, the scandel in the town was so great that they moved to Albuquerque but the point is that he was a big enough man to stick by his wife and raise a son not his own and our family still tells the story with pride even though it was initiated by a shameful act.
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mumto5
Guest
In that case you can do anything to your spouse and just say oh well … it’s the ‘for worse’’ part and I have to live with it. What if that ‘for worse’ part involves the spouse beating the other? Or the children? I don’t think we are obliged to always stick it out no matter what.
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mumto5
Guest
vern humphrey:
If you really want to do what the Bible says, you’ll have to take the wife out and stone her.
Seems to me this guy is pretty helpless in this situation too.
If you really want to do what the Bible says, you’ll have to take the wife out and stone her.
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vern_humphrey
Guest
I believe Jesus put a stop to that when he saved the Wife Taken in Adultry.
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mumto5
Guest
vern humphrey:
Yes, true though I’m a little confused as to why no-one is holding the bio-father to his end of the creation process and calling for him to take responsibility for what is, after all, his child.
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iserve
Guest
Just a note of caution here. You need to check with an attorney about the other “fathers’” rights, just in case. I know a man who raised the illegitimate child of his wife for five years, he was listed as the father on the birth certificate, and provided for him financially and as a parent. Then, later on, the wife went back to the biological father, a DNA test was performed, and this man was denied from ever seeing that child again, legally! Although it is reprehensible, the law came down on the side of the biological father.
I would see to it that this other person knows about this child, as he is the father, he does have rights, and besides, who knows what could happen. What if there is an accident and the child needs somewhere to go? What if there is a genetic disorder that has been inherited? What if someday this child discovers he or she is not biologically yours wants to know the biological father. Painful as it is, everyone’s cards should be on the table here because no one can predict the future. Working in a Catholic charity, I have seen all these situations and more through adoption and folks who have had children outside of a marriage. The truth should be out, and all parties involved need to make legal, rational decisions that are in the best interests of this child, and then stick with them.
I would see to it that this other person knows about this child, as he is the father, he does have rights, and besides, who knows what could happen. What if there is an accident and the child needs somewhere to go? What if there is a genetic disorder that has been inherited? What if someday this child discovers he or she is not biologically yours wants to know the biological father. Painful as it is, everyone’s cards should be on the table here because no one can predict the future. Working in a Catholic charity, I have seen all these situations and more through adoption and folks who have had children outside of a marriage. The truth should be out, and all parties involved need to make legal, rational decisions that are in the best interests of this child, and then stick with them.
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iserve
Guest
Oh dear, I almost forgot a most important thing…
I am so sorry for you. In the course of my job, I have worked with a number of men who were in your shoes, and I would like to offer my support to your prayerful discernment. I hope you have some really dependable, spiritual friends to share this burden with, as you are going to need strong people who will be there for you as you work it out. Don’t feel bad in the least about leaning on others when you are so emotionally embroiled in a situation like this. No one thinks rationally and cooly when they are hurt and facing more of it. Try to get good advice, be easy with yourself, and may God guide you all the way.
I am so sorry for you. In the course of my job, I have worked with a number of men who were in your shoes, and I would like to offer my support to your prayerful discernment. I hope you have some really dependable, spiritual friends to share this burden with, as you are going to need strong people who will be there for you as you work it out. Don’t feel bad in the least about leaning on others when you are so emotionally embroiled in a situation like this. No one thinks rationally and cooly when they are hurt and facing more of it. Try to get good advice, be easy with yourself, and may God guide you all the way.
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vern_humphrey
Guest
How would we do that? We don’t even know his name.
The OP is the only person who asked our advice, and we can only advise him – not anyone else in this triangle.
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rayne89
Guest
When I was dating my husabnd as a teenager we broke up for a period of about six months. During that time he slept with another girl. Seven and a half years into our marriage we were served with a paternity suit from the county we live in.
The first thing I did was research father’s rights organizations and get an attorney that specialized in father’s rights. (If you go to the county without a lawyer they will try every which to get you sign the paternity agreement without a test. The want to stop paying welfare to this child.) While we waited for the test results I was preparing myself mentally for the fact that my husband may have a child with someone other than me. We planned to fight for as much visitation as possible and I began to think about turning our spare bedroom into a bedroom for his son (if it turned out to be the case.)
I spoke to the mother on the phone (she called our house) and assured her I would treat her son just as I treated our daughter if this child was his. I love my husband, and this child would be a part of him and so I would love this child as well. It was not the child’s fault and we had a lot more stability we could offer him then his mother’s current situation.
The test results came back negative, the child was not his. A great relief for us and yet I was sad for this poor child. When a paternity test is done the mother, child and alleged father all are in the same room. This child was nearly 7 and quite aware of what was going on. The irresponsible mother already was telling the child my husband was his dad. What a confusing and sad situation for a little boy. His names is Corey, he’d be about 14 now and I still pray for him.
This poster’s pain is very fresh and I’m sure very deep. Unfortunately for us we don’t marry saints, we marry fallen creatures who have frailties and make mistakes, sometimes very terrible ones. If for second we can stop looking at it from the prespective of this is my wife and look and what she’s done to *me *and look at from the perspective of this is the woman that I love and care deeply for and she has made a painful mistake that she wishes can undo but she can’t. How do we get through this together?
As Catholics we say I do and that means forever (barring annulment of an invalid marriage). 'Til death do us part. Not until you betray my trust, or not until you humiliate me, but until death do us part. I would recommend a retrouvaille weekend retrouvaille.org/ counseling by a good, solid Catholic priest and lots and lots of prayer.
My prayers are with you Diver Zero.
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rayne89
Guest
3. Then the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery and made her stand in the middle.
4. They said to him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery.
5. Now in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?”
** 6. They said this to test him, so that they could have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger.
7. But when they continued asking him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”
** 8. Again he bent down and wrote on the ground.
9. And in response, they went away one by one, beginning with the elders. So he was left alone with the woman before him.
10. Then Jesus straightened up and said to her,* “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
11. She replied, “No one, sir.” Then Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, [and] from now on do not sin any more.”***
John 8:3-11
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Celeste88
Guest
This is a major problem and you two do need to get some counseling on it. She wants to keep the child and not give it up for adoption? You may end up bonding with the child, or you may not. And if you don’t the constant memory of the affair will drive a wedge into the marriage. And where is the “other man” in all of this? Maybe he should be paying child support?
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Katie1723
Guest
Code:
Becoming a step parent by choice is one thing..........having it forced on you is an entirely different thing. How strong was this marriage to begin with if after a short period the wife was "weak"? And what if this wasn't the first time?? I feel bad for the child.....but then they are usually the ones who really get screwed.
~ Kathy ~
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mlchance
Guest
No, the Bible does not. Christ Jesus says divorce is only permitted in cases where marriages were never valid to begin with. Again, for a great commentary on marital unfaithfulness and what God expects, read Hosea.
– Mark L. Chance.
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PaulKorb
Guest
Wow, that’s a tough one.
My advice:
My advice:
- Get counseling
- Stay Catholic
- Consider the possibility of the natural father providing financial support.
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mosher
Guest
That is correct the greek word that Christ uses in the Gospel is only sometimes translated as adultury or unfaithfulness but more conservativelly is translated as invalidity. The Church has always taken the view of the more restrictive form since the time of the Early Church thus based on Tradition it is fair to say that a translation of that one word as adultury is not a correct translation.
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siamesecat
Guest
I know this is straying from the topic, but I dont understand this. I can understand why remarriage is not allowed by the Church, since you are considered still married to the other person. But why is divorce? If youve promised to care for each other and be married forever, wouldnt divorcing your spouse and no longer supporting them be a sin? I mean, I certainly think adultery is grounds for a divorce, but I think if you divorce for an extremely valid reason, remarriage should be allowed. Otherwise, it makes no sense to essentially “abandon” your spouse through divorce.
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mosher
Guest
Divorce is never a valid option.
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