Wife Went Astray...

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thank you for your many thoughts and ideas, and kind words. i have spoken to several people about this, including my old headmaster at my catholic high school.

i just cannot raise a child that is some other man’s. i am going to file for civil divorce and then start the anulmment process. my old teacher has told me that the church cannot force, or even suggest that someone to raise a child that is not theirs against their will, and that decision must be theirs alone. like adoption, one cannot command a person adopt a child.

her repeated unfaithfulness over 2 weeks, her hiding the fact another man was the father, and not comprimising, demonstrates her unwillingness and inablity to keep her marital vows.

my unwillingness to be “open to new life” in every aspect indicates i was not fully aware of, and ready to accept marriage. i was advised that if i chose, i could ask for an anullment based on these and other facts.

the child is not my responsibility, it is hers and the other man’s. my boss has offered to let 2 company attorneys represent me, and make positively sure that i am not help liable for any child support. at my request, they are also going to seek that a guardian ad litum be appointed for the child, so that paternity can be established, and support from the other guy enforced.

Father said while it is not the morally “high road”, it isnt sinful to seek an anullment based on my situation. if someone had said to me before i got married “your wife will get pregnant by another man, will you be able to stick it out?”. i would have said no.
 
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Diver_Zero:
i just cannot raise a child that is some other man’s. i am going to file for civil divorce and then start the anulmment process .
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I feel very sad for you, you wife and this unborn child. You realize ofcourse for an anullment to happen it must be proven that your marriage was never a valid one. If this would not have happened would you have ever thought to your marriage was invalid?

And a very difficult question. If you wife finding out she was pregnant aborted the child and you discovered it after the fact. Would you still be filing for divorce (and annullment)?

I pray that God will guide your steps, heal your heart and give you peace. God Bless.
 
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Diver_Zero:
her repeated unfaithfulness over 2 weeks, her hiding the fact another man was the father, and not comprimising, demonstrates her unwillingness and inablity to keep her marital vows.
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Plenty of marriages go through the pain of an unfaithful spouse -not just for weeks but sometimes months and years. If she went into the marriage with idea she did not or was not going to be faithful -yes that is grounds for annullment. But if she had every intention of being faithful but later failed it is not.

Plenty of spouses have been dishonst with each other. Ofcourse she was afraid to tell you -who wouldn’t be if they found themselves in such a situation. I’m not condoning her behavior at all, I’m just pointing out that the fact that she lied now does not mean your marriage was invalid from the start. If she had been pregnant before you married and later after the marriage disclosed you were not the father then you would have grounds for an annulment because she decieved you going into the marriage.

And if by compromise you mean her not placing the child up for adoption that is hardly a compromise you can use against her for annullment. Her not giving her child up now has no bearing on what was in her mind going into the marriage. It may not be your biological child but that child is hers and I can’t see tribunal holding the fact that she won’t give her own child away for adoption against her.

Take some time and be completely honest with yourself and with God. Are you looking for a way out or do you really believe that you and/or your wife went into the marriage for invalid reasons or without the intent of keep you marriage covenant.

I’m not passing judgement though it may seems so. I’m not so sure it is wise to start the annulment process so soon until you have sorted out your feelings and are able to look at things more objectively.
 
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rayne89:
Plenty of marriages go through the pain of an unfaithful spouse -not just for weeks but sometimes months and years. If she went into the marriage with idea she did not or was not going to be faithful -yes that is grounds for annullment. But if she had every intention of being faithful but later failed it is not.

Plenty of spouses have been dishonst with each other. Ofcourse she was afraid to tell you -who wouldn’t be if they found themselves in such a situation. I’m not condoning her behavior at all, I’m just pointing out that the fact that she lied now does not mean your marriage was invalid from the start. If she had been pregnant before you married and later after the marriage disclosed you were not the father then you would have grounds for an annulment because she decieved you going into the marriage.

And if by compromise you mean her not placing the child up for adoption that is hardly a compromise you can use against her for annullment. Her not giving her child up now has no bearing on what was in her mind going into the marriage. It may not be your biological child but that child is hers and I can’t see tribunal holding the fact that she won’t give her own child away for adoption against her.

Take some time and be completely honest with yourself and with God. Are you looking for a way out or do you really believe that you and/or your wife went into the marriage for invalid reasons or without the intent of keep you marriage covenant.

I’m not passing judgement though it may seems so. I’m not so sure it is wise to start the annulment process so soon until you have sorted out your feelings and are able to look at things more objectively.
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It is not up to us to judge if the OP’s marriage is valid or not and what grounds. That is the job of the tribunal. He may well be given an annulment. I’ve received an annullment after 17 years of marriage.
 
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rayne89:
Plenty of marriages go through the pain of an unfaithful spouse -not just for weeks but sometimes months and years. If she went into the marriage with idea she did not or was not going to be faithful -yes that is grounds for annullment. But if she had every intention of being faithful but later failed it is not.

Plenty of spouses have been dishonst with each other. Ofcourse she was afraid to tell you -who wouldn’t be if they found themselves in such a situation. I’m not condoning her behavior at all, I’m just pointing out that the fact that she lied now does not mean your marriage was invalid from the start. If she had been pregnant before you married and later after the marriage disclosed you were not the father then you would have grounds for an annulment because she decieved you going into the marriage.

And if by compromise you mean her not placing the child up for adoption that is hardly a compromise you can use against her for annullment. Her not giving her child up now has no bearing on what was in her mind going into the marriage. It may not be your biological child but that child is hers and I can’t see tribunal holding the fact that she won’t give her own child away for adoption against her.

Take some time and be completely honest with yourself and with God. Are you looking for a way out or do you really believe that you and/or your wife went into the marriage for invalid reasons or without the intent of keep you marriage covenant.

I’m not passing judgement though it may seems so. I’m not so sure it is wise to start the annulment process so soon until you have sorted out your feelings and are able to look at things more objectively.
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Very charitable post with some great perspective. Please consider what Rayne has to say!
 
Did she go to confession and ask for forgiveness? Did she ask you to forgive her?
 
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mumto5:
Anyone else think it’s wrong that everyone is telling this man he needs to be a father to this child? I think it’s unrealistic to expect him to forive and accept parenting this child after just one month…No, it’s not the child’s fault but it’s not his either…
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I’m right there with you on this one, sister. This is such a potentially volatile, no-win situation. We all agree it’s not the child’s fault–so why create a scenario which potentially inflicts suffering on the child its entire life?!? I think men in particular have greater difficulty parenting children who are not biologically their own–which is only intensified when the man in question is essentially backed into a corner. If the couple could agree on adoption, that would seem to be the preferable route to both preserve the marriage and provide the child with a loving home environment.
 
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Diver_Zero:
thank you for your many thoughts and ideas, and kind words. i have spoken to several people about this, including my old headmaster at my catholic high school.

i just cannot raise a child that is some other man’s. i am going to file for civil divorce and then start the anulmment process. my old teacher has told me that the church cannot force, or even suggest that someone to raise a child that is not theirs against their will, and that decision must be theirs alone. like adoption, one cannot command a person adopt a child.

her repeated unfaithfulness over 2 weeks, her hiding the fact another man was the father, and not comprimising, demonstrates her unwillingness and inablity to keep her marital vows.

my unwillingness to be “open to new life” in every aspect indicates i was not fully aware of, and ready to accept marriage. i was advised that if i chose, i could ask for an anullment based on these and other facts.

the child is not my responsibility, it is hers and the other man’s. my boss has offered to let 2 company attorneys represent me, and make positively sure that i am not help liable for any child support. at my request, they are also going to seek that a guardian ad litum be appointed for the child, so that paternity can be established, and support from the other guy enforced.

Father said while it is not the morally “high road”, it isnt sinful to seek an anullment based on my situation. if someone had said to me before i got married “your wife will get pregnant by another man, will you be able to stick it out?”. i would have said no.
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Let me ask you something.If she had not become pregnant and waited this long and told you would you have reacted this way? You are projecting alot of anger on the baby, why is that?Did you not say that there is a very little chance that you will be able to have one of your own as a result of your occupation?If she was not carrying the baby would you be doing this?
 
Island Oak:
I’m right there with you on this one, sister. This is such a potentially volatile, no-win situation. We all agree it’s not the child’s fault–so why create a scenario which potentially inflicts suffering on the child its entire life?!? I think men in particular have greater difficulty parenting children who are not biologically their own–which is only intensified when the man in question is essentially backed into a corner. If the couple could agree on adoption, that would seem to be the preferable route to both preserve the marriage and provide the child with a loving home environment.
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What if the tables were turned and the man had an affair that resulted in a baby?As much as I would want to choke my husband to the ground, I could not tell him to have nothing to do with his child:nope: The mother on the other hand:mad:
 
I’m sorry for your pain.

If your wife is truely remorseful and you can work this out, the child will not be an issue.

You are sort of called like St. Joseph – the bio father if NOT a father, you’ll be the father for sure!

The baby is lucky to have you!

“I knew you before you were in the womb…” Jer. 1

There’s a reason for this… stick it out with lots of prayer. After the pain goes away you may end up with the best marriage anyone ever has had!

Blessings,
Joanie
New York
 
First, I want to say that I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know that it hurts like hades. I won’t sit here at my computer and tell you to stay and be a father to this child. What I will suggest is that you pray alot and work through these feelings. They are normal feelings, but you can’t let them guide you. If we all did that, I’m sure that there are alot of us who would be in jail for killing our spouses/exes! Let God guide you. If He tells you to stay, He will change your heart towards your wife and that child.

Just remember, that baby is innocent. And I can understand why your wife didn’t tell you. Please give her some credit though. She DID choose to carry the baby to term. She could have had an abortion and you would have never been the wiser. At the very least, knowing that she didn’t abort the child may make it easier for you to forgive her.
 
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Lisa4Catholics:
What if the tables were turned and the man had an affair that resulted in a baby?As much as I would want to choke my husband to the ground, I could not tell him to have nothing to do with his child:nope: The mother on the other hand:mad:
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I’m sure you would choke your husband to the ground if he had an affair, produced a child and then brought the child to your home for YOU to take care of it!
 
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Celeste88:
I’m sure you would choke your husband to the ground if he had an affair, produced a child and then brought the child to your home for YOU to take care of it!
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Yes, my husband would indeed need to sleep with one eye open:mad: I could not however blame it or feel resentful towards the child.My husband on the other hand:tsktsk: :banghead:
 
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BioCatholic:
you dont owe the child a single thing.
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Would you be willing to go face to face with this child at age two, and 5, and 10, and 15, and 20 and tell them that? They did not ask to be conceived, nor to be abandoned by (likely) the only father they would ever know.

My recollection is that St. Joseph thought at first he was faced with the same issue. Seems that the Gospels tell us his reaction was different…
 
Your comment about having to pay child support is incorrect, given the scenario you have reported; the child is presumed to be yours, but the Courts will entertain evidence to the contrary. You may, hawever, wish to get legal advice before the child is born to clarify what is entered on the birth certificate, and to make sure, if necessary, that you do not do something at that point that prejudices your ability to show otherwise.

No matter what choice you make, you are going to live with this issue for the rest of your life. A “simple divorce” isn’t simple. There is no guarantee that you would be able to obtain an annulment.

If you stay in the marriage, and accept the child, there is no guarantee that you will be married 5 years, 10 or 15 years from now. It is always possible that she will file, or that this incident will be repeated in the future and you will decide to file. and if you go through a divorce, you can just about guarantee that you will not have custody, with your job calling you all over the world.

The likelyhood that the biological father would step up and be a dad is most likely somewhere between minimal and none. And if you need something to meditate on about fatherhood, go read the first chapter or two of Luke, and Matthew…

I am glad you are in professional counseling, as that is what I would have said you need to do. It would be valuable if both of you were in counseling. I seriously doubt that a “fly on the wall observer” would have rated your marriage fantastic or great; and I have never seen a situation pushing towards crisis in which both parties did not have a part (that is, I don’t buy the “Purely innocent spouse” bit). There are other issues that need to be resolved if your marriage is going to make it.

You have my prayers.
 
does ANYONE seem to notice the horrific endangerment and wrecklessness the wife executed? obviously, the contraceptive "protection"IF ANY used by the wife, failed during the affair.

anyone hear of HIV, and STD’s? i think the OP said that they had sex AFTER he returned from his work. that means the husband and wife had sex AFTER either she used no protection, or it failed with the other man. that means the OP was exposed to whatever the other man and his partners had. sheeeeeshhh. talk about more than adultery and betrayal, that is downright endangerment.

Diver_zero, please get YOURSELF and YOUR WIFE tested for STD’s and HIV, now and every 6 months for a year or more.
you say that she never told you till pregnancy month 7? well then if you and her had marital relations during the 1st trimester and a half, then you were potentially exposed EVERY SINGLE TIME.

since the church teaches that contraception is not permitted, then you really “shouldnt” use condoms, hence abstention for at least 18 months is the best and morally correct course.

i think that fact adds to the case that the marriage potentially isnt valid. what kind of person has unprotected or failed contraceptive sex, and then exposes their spouse and developing child? she obviously did not take yours and the childs welfare seriously enough.

whatever you do, GET TESTED NOW.
 
The poor child was conceived, and is only wanting to be born and come home to a loving mother and father. If you were to separate, the child would have neither, because she would have to work.

Is there any possible way you could forgive your wife for her fall? You may not FEEL like you have forgiven her, but forgiveness is an act of the will. I know you are hurt deeply, and your wife’s actions have long-term consequences.

By all means, do not forget the role of St. Joseph. He was in your shoes, and he did the right thing. Mary was pregnant, not by him. Divorce her quietly, he thought. But no, you never know how high a child will fly who has two loving parents.

Try your hardest to forgive. Satan wants to mess this up.
 
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otm:
Would you be willing to go face to face with this child at age two, and 5, and 10, and 15, and 20 and tell them that? They did not ask to be conceived, nor to be abandoned by (likely) the only father they would ever know.

My recollection is that St. Joseph thought at first he was faced with the same issue. Seems that the Gospels tell us his reaction was different…
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The situation with St. Joseph is irrelevant as Mary did not commit adultery to conceive Jesus. An angel informed him of as much. No comparing.

He doesn’t owe the child a thing. The child’s natural father owes the child everything. I can’t understand the mentality that this child is as much this man’s responsibility as if he was the natural father. This man has no responsibility. The natural father does. The natural father is responsible if this child grows up without a father, not the original poster.
 
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Lisa4Catholics:
Yes, my husband would indeed need to sleep with one eye open:mad: I could not however blame it or feel resentful towards the child.My husband on the other hand:tsktsk: :banghead:
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I agree with you completely, but if my husband brought his love child into the home, it’s not my responsibility to look after it. If I decided that it was something I could do and chose to do so, that is different. But I am not obligated to be a mother to the child. I would never treat the child differently just because of the circumstances of it’s conception, that wouldn’t be fair. It’s not the child’s fault. But it’s not mine either and as such, I can’t be forced to take that child into my home. Given the circumstances of the conception, this is not unfair.

Not having been in that situation, I can’t imagine what my reaction would be, it’s possible I could get over it and raise the child, but I don’t know. One thing I do know is that a month would not be enough for me to get my head around the situation and be in a place to graciously accept the child. It’s a very short time.
 
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Diver_Zero:
…i just cannot raise a child that is some other man’s. i am going to file for civil divorce and then start the anulmment process. my old teacher has told me that the church cannot force, or even suggest that someone to raise a child that is not theirs against their will, and that decision must be theirs alone. like adoption, one cannot command a person adopt a child.

her repeated unfaithfulness over 2 weeks, her hiding the fact another man was the father, and not comprimising, demonstrates her unwillingness and inablity to keep her marital vows. …
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Bravo! I applaud your honesty! And even if no one else here understands, I am behind you 100 %
~ Kathy ~
 
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