Wife won't have sex

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Boston said:
So what is the correct course of action when a wife won’t have sex more than twice a month? She cites depression, stress, lack of exercise, whatever, but also refuses to do anything about those causative issues. Won’t see a counselor, won’t go to the gym, won’t attempt to reduce her stress levels.
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The next course of action, if this were my wife, would be for me to put many many hours into contemplating what I might be doing to alienate her, or what I might do to foster her emotional health and rekindle our emotional connection. I have found that women tend to want an emotional connection to their husbands; to know they have a man that they can trust by his actions and deeds; to know they are loved not just by hearing the words “I love you”, but in actions of love.

But, I suppose it all depends…
 
Nothing worse than a nagging husband, which only makes the woman feel she is only wanted for “one thing” and not herself My advise leave your wife along for 1/2 weeks, be kind, loving and no mention of “sex” also dont be in a huff, pretend it just does not matter and its your love for her that does.

It might be that you have a high sex drive and your wife a low one, but sex is meant to a spiritual act of bringing husband and wife to gether in a very special way and bonding, I am wondering are or have you been looking at pornography, or worse sex films, this sort of dirt, only impresses on men women are to be used with no feelings attached.

Please have more respect for your wife, as she does for you, if God forbid you had an accident and sex was no longer available I am sure your wife for love of you would put up with the inconvenience of no sex and same loyal to you hence the marriage vows, you have done the rounds a few times, its time to wise up and be mature, there is more than sex in a marriage, what about all the other things you shared, and what attracted you to marry her in the first place.
You are expecting Sex on demand like a take away dinner.
 
It’s not all about you. Marriage is willing the best for your wife. What can you do to help her and love her? Love is not a feeling. Mature love is a decision. Pray, go to mass and receive the sacraments. Do an hour of Adoration if you can. Get your focus on Christ. Avoid being egocentric.
 
dshix said:
You are regretting getting married because you’re not getting enough sex? That sounds quite superficial to me.

Do you love your wife? Do you care for her needs and wants? I think that she feels used, and rightly so.

Forget about the sex for a few weeks and focus wholly on her and her needs. Find out what’s wrong and how you need to change your own behaviors to help her. Treat her as a loving spouse should.
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Few things are more devastating in a marriage than the constant refusal of physical intimacy. It’s wrong to lay into the young man who posted this topic. He’s experiencing terrible malice from the woman he loves and whom he chose as a life partner. This is not something to accept. His wife is deliberately hurting him. I was in this situation for 20+ years. It drove me to alcoholism and to the brink of suicide. It was only 4 years after she threw me out that I was able to begin healing. You have NO BUSINESS telling him to focus on her needs. That seems to be all she is doing. He should run if she doesn’t come around. She’s the one who doesn’t understand or appreciate marriage.
 
Sacramental marriage is not something this guy should seek to end, Boy Wonder, just because he is only having sex twice a month. Many couples overcome worse obstacles in their marriages, do they not?
 
Boy_Wonder said:
Few things are more devastating in a marriage than the constant refusal of physical intimacy. It’s wrong to lay into the young man who posted this topic. He’s experiencing terrible malice from the woman he loves and whom he chose as a life partner. This is not something to accept. His wife is deliberately hurting him. I was in this situation for 20+ years. It drove me to alcoholism and to the brink of suicide. It was only 4 years after she threw me out that I was able to begin healing. You have NO BUSINESS telling him to focus on her needs. That seems to be all she is doing. He should run if she doesn’t come around. She’s the one who doesn’t understand or appreciate marriage.
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“constant”?? He’s only been married a few months.

There is nothing in the OP to indicate malice on the part of his wife nor to indicate that she is deliberately trying to hurt him.

There is also nothing in the OP about what he might be doing to help his wife with her fatigue (help around the house maybe) or stress (she’s a newlywed - it’s stressful).
juno24 said:
OP, you are on your 3rd marriage in what? 6-7 years? A year ago you were inquiring about how you should go about getting your 2 previous civil marriages declared null, and you stated you had no new marriage prospects on the horizon. How long did you know your current wife before marrying her? Did you never notice her mental health issues? Did you ever discuss her health or lack of self-concern? My suggestion is that the 2 of you get some counseling to work out your marriage, but that you also get individual counseling to figure out what makes you want to marry, divorce, marry, divorce, marry…
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I noticed that too and am trying to do the math.

11 months ago, the OP was looking into the annulment process for his previous TWO attempted marriages and said he had been unsuccessful in finding marriage prospects.

So in that short time, he:
  1. got both marriage situations resolved (they appeared to be lack of form cases).
  2. met someone, dated and got engaged
  3. went through pre-cana
  4. got married in the Church (this time)
    and
  5. is already feeling that his marriage doesn’t have enough of a sexual component so he’s looking at the door.
It is apparent that this couple got married rather quickly and may have not spent very much time getting to know each other and properly discerning the vocation of marriage.

Frankly, I am shocked that their priest let them get married so fast with two failed marriage attempts in the OP’s history. Even with one past marriage, the advice is usually to take it slow and make sure this couple is looking at marriage carefully.
 
Boy_Wonder said:
Few things are more devastating in a marriage than the constant refusal of physical intimacy. It’s wrong to lay into the young man who posted this topic. He’s experiencing terrible malice from the woman he loves and whom he chose as a life partner. This is not something to accept. His wife is deliberately hurting him. I was in this situation for 20+ years. It drove me to alcoholism and to the brink of suicide. It was only 4 years after she threw me out that I was able to begin healing. You have NO BUSINESS telling him to focus on her needs. That seems to be all she is doing. He should run if she doesn’t come around. She’s the one who doesn’t understand or appreciate marriage.
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While its very true that relations are very important in marriage and that the refusal of physical intimacy can be very devastating we really don’t have enough information to say that his wife is acting maliciously or deliberately hurting him. I am very sorry for what your wife put you through and am glad that you have been able to begin healing from it all. That is a terrible thing for anyone to go through. It does, however, make me think your harsh reaction against this man’s wife is moreso because it reminds you of your own situation. While relations are unbelievably important in marriage, they are not the only important thing. And while I agree that some of the posters here were a little too quick to respond quite as harshly as they did to the OP, I tend to agree with them that there are definite warning signs that it is possible the OP is not approaching his marriage correctly and so is damaging his wife and their relationship at least as much as her actions are causing him to suffer. without more information about the situation it is difficult to know what is the best advice to give the OP.
 
Boy_Wonder said:
Few things are more devastating in a marriage than the constant refusal of physical intimacy. It’s wrong to lay into the young man who posted this topic. He’s experiencing terrible malice from the woman he loves and whom he chose as a life partner. This is not something to accept. His wife is deliberately hurting him. I was in this situation for 20+ years. It drove me to alcoholism and to the brink of suicide. It was only 4 years after she threw me out that I was able to begin healing. You have NO BUSINESS telling him to focus on her needs. That seems to be all she is doing. He should run if she doesn’t come around. She’s the one who doesn’t understand or appreciate marriage.
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I am so, so deeply sorry for your hurt. It is important to remember that, when in a marriage, we are called to love the other with a self emptying love. When one party does not offer that to the other, the wounds it inflicts are deep and long lasting. But, it does not give the other a pass. It does not allow them to “run” simply because that self emptying love is not being reciprocated. That’s not to say that he needs to simply deal with it and forget about his needs–not at all. But the answer is to work with love to resolve the problem. Not to run from it.
 
Celtic_Maiden said:
Nothing worse than a nagging husband.
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For me to be a nagging husband, that would require that I continue trying to have sex. Alas, I have stopped trying. As far as porn goes, two years ago (before meeting her) I had my eyes opened by a website called yourbrainonporn dot com. It’s incredibly destructive to the male sex drive, and I’ve avoided it like the plague ever since.

Rubbing feet, dinners, mutual activities/pasttimes… nothing works.

Some have suggested my past relationships are clouding my judgment… I think my past relationships are serving as a benchmark of normalcy. I had sex in past relationships, and it wasn’t like squeezing water from a stone.

I hope those who suggest my judgment is clouded are aware that the fact that counseling has been mentioned by me indicates she and I have talked about it. I might have a high sex drive but I’m not a brute. If something needs fixing, I’ll do what I can, but I seem to be the only one in the relationship willing to try.
 
tominator2 said:
That’s a difficult situation.
Suggestions:
  1. pray for her.
  2. pray that God will help you love her and stay loving to her no matter what.
  3. Try to talk to her about this regarding how you feel. Tell her first that you love her and have given your life to her.
  4. Ask her what you can do to encourage her be more receptive to you.
I don’t think it’s helpful to assign blame to either you or her. But you can’t change her. You can only change you. If there is anything you can do to be more loving and accepting to her, that might help the situation. It might not increase the frequency of your relations, but it might help you.

I think it is somewhat common to have misgivings about marriage early on. Your wife seems so different from when she seemed to be trying to win you. But believe me, things can and will get better if you stick with it. Keep praying and keep loving.

I will pray for you.

Tom
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Thank you, Tom 🙂
 
Corki said:
11 months ago, the OP was looking into the annulment process for his previous TWO attempted marriages and said he had been unsuccessful in finding marriage prospects.

So in that short time, he:
  1. got both marriage situations resolved (they appeared to be lack of form cases).
  2. met someone, dated and got engaged
  3. went through pre-cana
  4. got married in the Church (this time)
    and
  5. is already feeling that his marriage doesn’t have enough of a sexual component so he’s looking at the door.
It is apparent that this couple got married rather quickly and may have not spent very much time getting to know each other and properly discerning the vocation of marriage.

Frankly, I am shocked that their priest let them get married so fast with two failed marriage attempts in the OP’s history. Even with one past marriage, the advice is usually to take it slow and make sure this couple is looking at marriage carefully.
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This here is also my concern, which is why I took somewhat of an aggressive first stance. I don’t mean to alienate you, OP, but your intentions are odd.

Care you give us more background so we can have a better idea of where you are coming from?
 
Boston said:
I agree with the author’s points, and I do see how many of them apply to me… however where I find myself I wondering what part of marriage constitutes celibacy. Believe me, if I had a magic wand or a time machine, I’d go back and prevent all this.
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Celibacy is not getting married at all. Many, if not most, couples are going to face periods of reduced sexual activity or even periodic abstinence.
 
**Boston **- aside from the objective facts that your wife doesn’t desire sex with you as often as you’d like it, and that you find this unsatisfactory, you’ve not shared much information about factors that may give rise to this situation:
  • Do you love each other?
  • Are you an otherwise happy married couple, enjoying each other’s company?
  • Are you affectionate towards each other, quite apart from sex?
  • Do you have meaningful conversations about personal matters in general;
  • Have you tried to have a meaningful conversation about this issue?
  • When you do have sex, is your wife genuinely involved or just putting in an appearance for you?
  • Do either of you have health or other personal issues?
  • Do you both work?
I’m not asking you to write up your life story here, but perhaps you could think through these and other issues and see if that sheds any light on what may be at issue.
 
I have dealt with the same problem for 37 years of marriage. One thing and one thing only has helped me, praying for the Poor Souls in Purgatory. I know this is a non-sequitur, but it came about because of the reading we had about a month ago of the bad steward in Luke 16. There is no rational conclusion to the fact that the steward went about to his Master’s debtors and reduced what they owed to the Master. That fact cheats what is owed the Master. And it only makes sense when we pray and fast for the Poor Souls in Purgatory, in order to obtain their quick release from the pains of Purgatory. This reduces what they “owe” God for their sins, and makes God happy to see us working charitably on their behalf.

The prayer I use is St. Getrudes prayer for the Poor Souls, which she said released 1,000 souls from purgatory every time it is prayed. It states, “Eternal Father, I offer Thee the Most Precious Blood of Thy Divine Son Jesus, in union with the Masses said throughout the world this day, for sinners everywhere, for sinners in the Universal Church, those in my own home and within my family.”

Try it soon. You should see a real difference in your temptation levels. God bless!
 
message for Boston

In my humble opinion:

You (her husband) should pray, in your own side, for her, for yourself and for your couple. Your wife should pray, in her own side, for you, for herself and for her couple. And your couple (you and her, together) should pray, for each member of your couple and for your own couple. More particulary, you (her husband) should pray, in your own side, for the conjugal sexual life of your couple, for your own conjugal sexual life and her conjugal sexual life. She (your wife) should pray, in her own side, for the conjugal sexual life of her couple, for her own conjugal sexual life and for your conjugal sexual life. And your couple (you and her, together) should pray, for the conjugal sexual life of your own couple, for her conjugal sexual life and for your conjugal sexual life. In praying, ask to God of obtaining the conjugal sexual harmony, with all the corollaries.

You need to have some talks with her on her sexual needs, her sexual desires, her sexual hopes, her sexual expectations, her sexual wishes, her sexual wills, her sexual vows, her sexual ideals, her sexual intentions, her sexual mentalities, her sexual beliefs, her sexual diseases, her sexual culture, her sexual education, her almost non negociable sexual things (in positive and in negative) and her sexual fears concerning the marital act (all the topics about the conjugal sexuality). The discussion with you on those topics is a moral right for you, and it is a moral obligation and a moral duty for her.

You need to have some talks with her on your sexual needs, your sexual desires, your sexual hopes, your sexual expectations, your sexual wishes, your sexual wills, your sexual vows, your sexual ideals, your sexual intentions, your sexual mentalities, your sexual beliefs, your sexual diseases, your sexual culture, your sexual education, your almost non negociable sexual things (in positive and in negative) and your sexual fears concerning the marital act (all the topics about the conjugal sexuality). The discussion with her on those topics is a moral right for you, and it is a moral obligation and a moral duty for you.

Are there other issues that can have influences on her conjugal sexuality? All topics have to be searched.

You (her husband) should visit, in your own side, a catholic doctor, a catholic psychiatrist, a catholic sexologist, a catholic psychologist, a catholic priest, a catholic ethicist for getting information about the morality of the marital act, with all the corollaries, and for getting information about the spiritual, religious, psychological / psychical / mental / affective, physical and physiological issues of the marital act.**

She (your wife) should visit, in her own side, a catholic doctor, a catholic psychiatrist, a catholic sexologist, a catholic psychologist, a catholic priest, a catholic ethicist for getting information about the morality of the marital act, with all the corollaries, and for getting information about the spiritual, religious, psychological / psychical / mental / affective, physical and physiological issues of the marital act. She needs to identify the deep reasons of her conjugal sexual refusal, except twice a month.

Her introspection and your own introspection are very important and necessary.

Your couple (you and her, together) should visit, a catholic doctor, a catholic psychiatrist, a catholic sexologist, a catholic psychologist, a catholic priest, a catholic ethicist for getting information about the morality of the marital act, with all the corollaries, and for getting information about the spiritual, religious, psychological / psychical / mental / affective, physical, and physiological issues of the marital act.

The fact of getting information on the sexual rights, the sexual obligations and the sexual duties of each one toward the other, in the details with all the subtleties (the natural regime of the moral order of the marital act) is very important. The right to the body, the right on the body, the right of the body (the conjugal sexual debt, the conjugal sexual right, the conjugal sexual obligation, the conjugal sexual duty, the conjugal sexual privileges), the mutual and reciprocal donation of bodies (the mutual and reciprocal donation of nudities for making one flesh, the conjugal sexual cooperation in the human fashion for making one flesh), the mutual and reciprocal submission concerning the conjugal sexuality, the sexual equality and the sexual equity of each spouse about the marital act (alterity, complementarity and differences), the total lack of superiority and of inferiority between spouses about the marital act ………. are the rules of marriage, in respecting the natural moral order of the marital act, because the marriage is a sexed and sexual institution and a sexed and sexual contract : a donation of persons (body and soul), an union of beings in the materiality and also in the immateriality. The notion of the marital debt is still existing, even if today it is may be old fashioned and very fought by the radical feminism.

Her unilateral refusal of having conjugal sex has to be motivated by some reasons : they have to be real, objective, fair, just, equitable, honest…etc ? Are they ? She has to justify, in reality, the reasons of this refusal. Morally speaking, she needs to explain to you the " why " of this number « twice conjugal sex with you, only, in the month »? Morally speaking, she has to take medical, spiritual, religious treatment and co, in the respect of the natural moral order, for solving the problem** (a moral obligation of means for her)**. Does she know her moral duties and her moral obligations about sexual issues within couple ?

Be patient, be affable, be very romantic, be helpful, be charitable in her favor, and try to find out the creative abstinence of couple : the physical tenderness without conjugal sex.**
 
The day of wedding, at the moment of the exchange of vows, the bride and the bridegroom (each one) say yes to the mutual, bilateral and reciprocal donation of bodies for making one flesh, with the sexual cooperation, in the human fashion. The marital vows imply, also, *the sexual vows.*The right of the body (the right on the body, the right to the body) is a huge part of the marriage. It is one of hard cores of this contractual institution or of this institutional contract that means a conjugal sexual debt, a conjugal sexual obligation and a conjugal sexual duty, with all the conjugal sexual privileges, in respecting the natural moral order of the state of marriage. Thus, the principle is the practice of the marital act, the exception is the non-practice of the marital act under special conditions.

Some general questions:

Is she a good wife, sexually speaking? Does she respect her conjugal sexual obligations? Does she respect her conjugal sexual duties? Is she a good conjugal mistress in his favor? Does she respect his conjugal sexual rights on her? Does she honor her conjugal sexual vows?** Does she think about the concupiscence of her husband?** One of ends of marriage!!! Does she think about her own concupiscence? Is she catholic believer?

Is he a good husband, sexually speaking? Does he respect her conjugal sexual obligations? Does he respect her conjugal sexual duties? Is he a good conjugal lover in her favor? Does he respect her conjugal sexual rights on him? Does he honor his conjugal sexual vows?* Does he think about the concupiscence of his wife? Does he think about his own concupiscence?
*
They need to talk with a priest (a confessor), with another priest (the spiritual director), with a catholic doctor, with a catholic psychologist, with a catholic psychiatrist, with a catholic sexologist and with a catholic ethicist** for identifying the several issues in order to solve all the problematics of their couple.**
 
Boston said:
I agree with the author’s points, and I do see how many of them apply to me… however where I find myself I wondering what part of marriage constitutes celibacy. Believe me, if I had a magic wand or a time machine, I’d go back and prevent all this.
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Man are you a real charmer!

I can’t for the life of me figure out why your wife doesn’t want to be intimate with you! (/sarcasm)

You REALLY need to take the advice of others on here. Get some counseling for yourself. You are way too wrapped up in yourself, and have almost NO concern for your wife. And you need to take a month off from sex and make it off limits. Try just spending time with your wife and being a friend to her. Go do some activities with her. Go for a walk. You said she was having feelings of depression, well a little walking with you wouldn’t hurt. Get outside and enjoy being a couple and ignore the sexual side for a little bit.

Women want to be valued as human beings, and not as a giant sex toy (which is what your posts give the impression you view her as). Why don’t you spend some time with your wife a little.
 
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