Wife won't have sex

[fpt]

some corrections

The day of wedding, at the moment of the exchange of vows, the bride and the bridegroom (each one) say yes to the mutual, bilateral and reciprocal donation of bodies for making one flesh, with the sexual cooperation, in the human fashion. The marital vows imply, also, *the sexual vows.*The right of the body (the right on the body, the right to the body) is a huge part of the marriage. It is one of hard cores of this contractual institution or of this institutional contract that means a conjugal sexual debt, a conjugal sexual obligation and a conjugal sexual duty, with all the conjugal sexual privileges, in respecting the natural moral order of the state of marriage. Thus, the principle is the practice of the marital act, the exception is the non-practice of the marital act under special conditions.

Some general questions:

Is she a good wife, sexually speaking? Does she respect her conjugal sexual obligations? Does she respect her conjugal sexual duties? Is she a good conjugal mistress in his favor? Does she respect his conjugal sexual rights on her? Does she honor her conjugal sexual vows?** Does she think about the concupiscence of her husband?** One of ends of marriage!!! Does she think about her own concupiscence? Is she catholic believer?

Is he a good husband, sexually speaking? Does he respect **his *conjugal sexual obligations? Does he respect his conjugal sexual duties? Is he a good conjugal lover in her favor? Does he respect her conjugal sexual rights on him? Does he honor his conjugal sexual vows? Does he think about the concupiscence of his wife? Does he think about his own concupiscence?
*
They need to talk with a priest (a confessor), with another priest (the spiritual director), with a catholic doctor, with a catholic psychologist, with a catholic psychiatrist, with a catholic sexologist and with a catholic ethicist for identifying the several issues in order to solve all the problematics of their couple.

Conjugal romance, conjugal charity, conjugal patience,** conjugal talks, **conjugal friendship, conjugal introspection, **conjugal prayers, **… are the keys. Her and him have to make efforts and sacrifices, in positive and in negative.

 

[ahs]

Man are you a real charmer!

I can’t for the life of me figure out why your wife doesn’t want to be intimate with you! (/sarcasm)

You REALLY need to take the advice of others on here. Get some counseling for yourself. You are way too wrapped up in yourself, and have almost NO concern for your wife. And you need to take a month off from sex and make it off limits. Try just spending time with your wife and being a friend to her. Go do some activities with her. Go for a walk. You said she was having feelings of depression, well a little walking with you wouldn’t hurt. Get outside and enjoy being a couple and ignore the sexual side for a little bit.

Women want to be valued as human beings, and not as a giant sex toy (which is what your posts give the impression you view her as). Why don’t you spend some time with your wife a little.

Ditto. OP, with all due respect and from a guy that has been there and sought counseling myself, it sounds like you are trying to portray your wife as the one with the issue, but the more I read, the more it appears that it is YOU, not her, that needs to address some issues.

 

[fpt]

So what is the correct course of action when a wife won’t have sex more than twice a month?
Prayers for her, your patience for her, conjugal talks, conjugal discussions, your own introspection, conjugal romantism…etc., efforts and sacrifices for her.

She cites depression, stress, lack of exercise, whatever, but also refuses to do anything about those causative issues. Won’t see a counselor, won’t go to the gym, won’t attempt to reduce her stress levels.
Morally speaking, she has to try to solve those causative issues, ** it is her moral obligations of means for her, for her husband, and in fine for her couple.** Also, she needs to make efforts and sacrifices, but is she capable, objectively speaking???

My performance with past partners lets me know that it’s not a lack of ability on my part, either in the bed or in generating overall romance.

*You are not humble. And each woman is different. You need to adapt you to your wife, her sexual needs are not the sexual needs of the other women. Focus only on your wife, do not compare: be husband, be her best friend, be her true conjugal lover, do not be a past lover. *

I’m really regretting getting married. I’m still young and I can’t live the rest of my life on so little sex.

In my opinion, you are in pain, pray, pray.

 

[Hypnotoad]

OP: Maybe these events are happening so God can show you where you need to improve as a husband? I would recommend reading “Three To Get Married” by Fulton J. Sheen. If you Google the title you will find links on where to buy it or read it for free on EWTN’s site.

 

[MarkInOregon]

So what is the correct course of action when a wife won’t have sex more than twice a month? She cites depression, stress, lack of exercise, whatever, but also refuses to do anything about those causative issues. Won’t see a counselor, won’t go to the gym, won’t attempt to reduce her stress levels.

My performance with past partners lets me know that it’s not a lack of ability on my part, either in the bed or in generating overall romance.

I’m really regretting getting married. I’m still young and I can’t live the rest of my life on so little sex.

Actually you can–you are a human created in the image and likeness of God and not an animal ruled by instincts that you can’t control. There have been times when I would have been ecstatic at 2x a month–and considered you lucky. Your concern should be with your wifes health and with helping her. Helping her because you love her, are concerned for her and want whats best for her–not so that you can have sex with her. You are to love her as Christ loves us. Your concern should be with her needs and not with your needs. The correct course of action is to do what is best for your wife and to remain faithful to your marriage vows. Love is wanting whats best for the other person. Love you wife and don’t treat her as an object to satisfy a need of yours. It concerns me that you would bring up past partners and your performance–does your wife feel compared to these other partners? Does she feel anxiety about the fact that you had other partners?

I do wish you all the best but I urge you to be more concerned about your wife than about yourself, about her needs rather than your needs. What causes her stress? Is there anything you can do to help reduce her level of stress? Can you encourage her to get some exercise by maybe suggesting that you and her go for walks in the evening?

The peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[MarkInOregon]

Few things are more devastating in a marriage than the constant refusal of physical intimacy. It’s wrong to lay into the young man who posted this topic. He’s experiencing terrible malice from the woman he loves and whom he chose as a life partner. This is not something to accept. His wife is deliberately hurting him. I was in this situation for 20+ years. It drove me to alcoholism and to the brink of suicide. It was only 4 years after she threw me out that I was able to begin healing. You have NO BUSINESS telling him to focus on her needs. That seems to be all she is doing. He should run if she doesn’t come around. She’s the one who doesn’t understand or appreciate marriage.

Terrible malice? Deliberately hurting him? Really? His wife desires to see him suffer? You can tell he loves her and just doesn’t want to find out how to get more sex out of her? Did we read the same OP? I am glad that Christ doesn’t treat us as you suggest he treat his wife. Perhaps those who don’t understand or appreciate marriage are those who think it a free pass to have sex on demand–just a thought.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[polki]

I doubt she’s not having sex with you because of “stress” and “lack of exercise.” I bet it’s either because she’s afraid of getting pregnant, or that she doesn’t like the kind of sex you want to have with her, or some other more concrete reason. Best if you both had a candid conversation and cut through the bull, IMO. Just my 2 cents. Good luck. Sometimes these things take time to work out. Don’t give up!

 

[LROH]

“So what is the correct course of action when a wife won’t have sex more than twice a month? She cites depression, stress, lack of exercise, whatever, but also refuses to do anything about those causative issues. Won’t see a counselor, won’t go to the gym, won’t attempt to reduce her stress levels.”

Correct? Lol there is no CORRECT course of action to fix your perception that sex twice a month is INCORRECT.

How are you expressing your need for sexual intimacy with your spouse? Is it an extension or continued dialogue of respectful spiritual, emotional and physical interaction?

Are you aware of any issues that could be causing the stated depression/stress compounded by lack of exercise?
Does she have unresolved trauma to deal with? does she hear about your old relationships or feel threatened by them? Porn use by you has been addressed, are you seeing evidence that she is rejecting you for personal gratification?
She states depression/stress…is that new since marriage? Has the marriage affected her support network? Relocation, job change, fiscal issues, adjusting to married life’s demands and prioritizing time for herself? For her friends? Her interests? Is there balance in your individual and shared social life? Is she waiting home for you while you spend time with your friends/family/job? Is sexual activity new to her? Has she been chaste and insecure about this aspect of your life?

Instead of asking about WHY she only wants sex twice a month…have you tried to discuss the connection you are looking for? Are you satisfied during those encounters or critiquing performance…(that was great but next time …may sound polite to you while she hears…it wasn’t good enough.) looking for more, better different vs offering, receiving, accepting and celebrating a mutual private physical exploration?

“My performance with past partners lets me know that it’s not a lack of ability on my part, either in the bed or in generating overall romance.”

Foot rubs, flowers etc are nice but what if she prefers a different approach? Doesn’t matter how great a sexual dynamo you are in bed if you aren’t getting there!

“I’m really regretting getting married. I’m still young and I can’t live the rest of my life on so little sex.” Sounds like you have odd ideas of what marriage is…you like the idea or pictures in your head but not the effort it takes to sustain a lifelong commitment. With the additional info you’ve shared we’ve yet to hear what possessed you to get married in the first place.

Here are the red lights for me…asking for the CORRECT course of action to address her fault only providing sex twice a month, she is depressed/stressed and won’t fix it while you are a proven sexual success regretting a bad deal. Then add that you’re very early into this deal after two previous failures that obviously had nothing to do with the great sex…so maybe it’s time to look at what mr wonderful is doing outside the bedroom, beyond the wine and dine romance? Good luck and best wishes!

 

[raaucoin]

. I’m still young and I can’t live the rest of my life on so little sex.

Yes you can

 

[tafan]

LROH:

Correct? Lol there is no CORRECT course of action to fix your perception that sex twice a month is INCORRECT.

While not defending the OP 's boorishness, it is likely that you are wrong.
To be precise, everytime a spouse unreasonably refuses a reasonable request for sex, it is a sin against chastity, grave matter.

 

[LROH]

While not defending the OP 's boorishness, it is likely that you are wrong.
To be precise, everytime a spouse unreasonably refuses a reasonable request for sex, it is a sin against chastity, grave matter.

I recognize the canon law you cite and suggest that it is not applicable to the OP, being short on time I’ll skip quoting all the applicable canon law to the OP and give my possibly WRONG layman application of what the church teaches related to the OP

Key words in there…unreasonably refuses a reasonable request…we don’t know what this couple has defined as reasonable…only that there is conflict.

What is reasonable is defined within the confines of each marriage through respectful communication…a continuing negotiation and compromise to mutual understanding and agreement.

His perception that sex 2x a month is inadequate is presented as a conflict between his personal wishes and stated stress/depression. There is no “correct course of action” no one outside that marriage can say what is or isn’t reasonable, we can and must encourage respectful communication between the two parties. a few canon laws apply there…church as its people supporting and encouraging marriage sacrament, acknowledge conflict, communication/dialogue, respect without judging

I suggest that if you are quoting canon law that it might be more appropriate to caution him against sin in approach to this conflict rather than assume she is committing a sin without knowledge.

I could have quoted canon law but chose to offer some questions as food for thought to open dialogue with his spouse where the conflict lies. With additional information to the OP it is revealed that this is a new marriage…many struggle with balance leaving a partner stressed/depressed. Additionally it is revealed that there were recent previous marriages on his part…so the potential for insecurity on her part arises…we know nothing about her former life…she may be shy or intimidated…again a common issue in early marriages and offered in spirit of facilitating thought and communication within the marriage.

Next I added the suggestion that he look to himself…its too easy to blame others when our wishes aren’t granted…self reflection often reveals that we have been our own worst enemy. Early into his third marriage he is expressing regret of the marriage due to unmet sexual desires that were not an issue in his previous relationships…that implies some other conflict led to their demise…time for sexual dynamo to consider that maybe the conflict isn’t sex but getting to the sex in this relationship.

I wish you a good day and happy hunting for rebuttal canon law

 

[tafan]

To the best of my knowledge, you will not find out anything about the marriage debt in canon law. Canon law is not intended to be a moral theology treatise, it is meant to govern the Church.

 

[tafan]

Reasonable refusals of the marraiage debt typically include illness, infidelity, fatigue. I can certainly see how depression can be included as an illness. Perhaps stress can be restated as being very tired. I am having a hard time with understanding “lack of excersice” as a reasonable cause of refusing to honor a marraiage vow.
Granted we have only the OP’s point if view, so I am not judging his wife. But in the absence of illness or marital infidelity, it is hard to see how one spouse only allows sex twice a month, all of the refusals are reasonable.
In defense of the OP, lots of husbands, and wifes also, would have difficulty with only having sex with their spouse twice a month.

 

[LROH]

I totally agree that many would find sex 2x a month inadequate…
As newlyweds we were told…put a penny in a jug each time you make love…see how many years it takes to empty it by removing one each time you make love after 1st anniversary.

Bottom line…doesn’t matter what we think is appropriate…the conflict is in their marriage.
It’s real and conflict is part of marriage so we support him and her by encouraging them to respectfully communicate with each other to negotiate and compromise a more equitable solution to hopefully alleviate some of the added stress this conflict may add to their situation.

He perceives 2x a month as inadequate causing regret. We can’t fix that. Only he can change his expectations or increase the frequency through respectful communication with his spouse.

 

[LROH]

To the best of my knowledge, you will not find out anything about the marriage debt in canon law. Canon law is not intended to be a moral theology treatise, it is meant to govern the Church.

Tafan…you quoted the Church to correct another posters opinion…as an authority…it was not applicable with the limited knowledge provided.

Now…Canon law can and does govern the CHURCH…we are the Church…we live moral lives through the living sacraments, the Catechism is a practical guide to teaching the rules that govern our Church. There is an entire section on Marriage as Sacrament with subsections…next time you want to prove your smarter than the next guy…be smarter or simply respect their right to have an opinion you don’t understand, appreciate whatever…a forum is collective responses…the OP will take what works and disregard the rest.

I know Canon law and its applications, but find it more appreciated by those seeking Church guidance to be a living example with out referencing the authority. I respect the right of others to use the authority or reference as their preference without debate. The only reason we’ve had interaction is that you quoted the Church to imply I was wrong in my response.

Show this thread to a priest or theologian along with the private message I sent …it may open your eyes to the DUTY we members of the Church have in supporting (celebrating) the sacraments…specifically marriage.

://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/__P3V.HTM
Can. 1135 Each spouse has an equal duty and right to those things which belong to the partnership of conjugal life.

The OP duty is to communicate with his spouse to resolve the conflict in their conjugal life.

 

[FreakyLocz14]

Past partners being someone other than your wife? I believe that constitutes fornication? Do you regret this sin?

If he is faithful to his spouse, then he’s obviously repented of past sexual promiscuity.

It sounds like the sexual act is more important to you than your Wife as a person, the vows you gave to her in the sight of God, and helping her through the problems she may be having.

The correct Course of Action? Be a Husband and help your Wife through the difficult times she is having.

“Defraud not one another, except, perhaps, by consent, for a time, that you may give yourselves to prayer; and return together again, lest Satan tempt you for your incontinency.”
-1 Corinthians 7:5

 

[fpt]

Some questions for helping:

Is she honest, is she dishonest, is she in good faith or is she in bad faith about her explanations, her justifications?
*
Is she afraid by the potential pregnancy? Does she use the N.F.P. very strictly and unilaterally? *

**What are the deep, real, objective reasons of her behaviors **(marital act twice of month, only)? **External causes coming from her husband or coming from others persons, or coming from X or Y factors? Her own internal causes?
**
Why does she refuse to visit any catholic specialists for solving those causative issues? No sexual effort, no sexual sacrifice coming from her!!! Why? Is she right or is she wrong? Is she touched by moral diseases, by psychological diseases, by mental diseases, by religious diseases, by spiritual diseases, by physical diseases, by physiological diseases, by affective dysfunctions, by sexual dysfunctions?

Is he honest with her? **Is he a true conjugal lover in her favor during the marital act? Is he a real husband for responding to her sexual needs during the marital act? Is he romantic, affective, and totally in love for her before and after the marital act? **

Who is at the spring of the marital act twice of month, her or him? Who is the asker, him or her?

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Threads like this make me want to bang my head against the wall. People are all over the OP. Sorry to inform you folks, but marriage is a two way street. Sex twice a month for young, recently married couples is generally not normal. Furthermore, the wife even recognizes this, otherwise why would she be making excuses?

Sure, the husband has to be caring and understanding and try to work through this. However, the wife has to get her act together and do the same, otherwise she is not upholding her part of this sacrament. In situations such as this, where one party (the wife) seems unwilling to negotiate, counseling is in order.

 

[Xantippe]

Boston,

If you are divorced from two other women, you have to start asking yourself, is it them, or is it me? If those relationships were so amazing, you’d still be with them.

Also, while twice a month is low for a newlywed, lots of us longer-married people would be thrilled to manage twice a month. Maybe it’s time to start being grateful for what you’ve got. Twice a month is not “won’t have sex.” Twice a month is “my spouse won’t have sex whenever I want” which is pretty much the human condition.

Get the two of you into counseling and be prepared for some surprises. It may be that you are doing some very destructive things in your relationship without noticing it. You might, for instance, have said something like “Suzie [your ex] and I used to do blah blah blah,” in an inappropriately intimate moment.

You love this woman. You married her. Put some effort into this.

Here’s a secular website entitled “Why Your Wife Won’t Have Sex With You.”

juliagrey.wordpress.com/introduction/

It has a huge number of options that you should investigate with the help of a marriage counselor.

 

[Xantippe]

TheWarriorMonk said:

“Sex twice a month for young, recently married couples is generally not normal.”

Well, they are very likely not traditional newlyweds–it’s very likely they have a lot more on their plates. Boston says he’s young, but if this is his third attempt at marriage, he can’t be all that young. It’s even possible that this is a blended family, that his wife has a stressful job, that there is some sort of complicated family or financial situation. Any of those possible factors could be contributing to their relationship problems.