Wife would rather go to church on Saturday as it ruins her Sunday?

[barhoram]

Hello.

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have 5 kids, youngest is 3.

When we were dating, we were both going to mass at separate parishes. We spent several months going to different parishes together, and settled on a very conservative church and joined-as most of the local parishes are quite progressive in the area we live. We were married there…and our kids go to the catholic school there. The only issue is that it is 25-30 minutes away from where we live. Unfortunately that price of houses in that area is about double that of where we live, so moving would cost of hundreds of thousands of dollars more for the same house. With private school tuition…I don’t think it’s an option.

When the kids were much younger, we mostly split up going to church. Now that they are all of age, we started going to mass together at our parish. We fell into a rut of never leaving on time and always being late. I started to do more in terms of getting the kids ready while my wife got ready…but that pretty much evolved into me being responsible for getting all 5 kids ready, or we would be late. Even with me now getting all 5 kids and myself ready, we are still always late. With a family of 7, this pretty much means we are stuck standing in back as there are no seats left when you show up 15 minutes late.

I guess my wife and I are on completely different pages when it comes to Sunday mass–which is a shocker to me. I was taught that you scheduled everything else around getting to mass…she on the other hand, doesn’t seem to think its a big deal showing up late every week. I have to tell her she needs to get in the shower if we are going to make it on time…and we still don’t.

Now, she has decided that she is going to go Saturday at 4:30 at the local parish–as the whole mass thing for her on Sunday ruins her day. The parish is very liberal and people come and go in and out of the mass all of the time. Most families leave right after communion and half of the people there are in shorts. She leaves at 4:30 and gets there late and (I think) leaves after communion as well. The kids now like going with her as its the easy thing to do. They are getting into the habit of wanting to show up to mass late now as it seems shorter. ! Ugh!

As it stands now, she goes on Saturday to the local parish–not the one we are member at (usually late) and takes 1-2 of the kids. I go to the 8AM mass with whichever of the kids still need to go. Somehow I manage to get to the 8AM mass on time…even though it further away. She tells me that going on Sundays with me ruins her day, and I am a Mass Nazi…

So, I’m stuck as a father as what to do…continue as we are going to mass separately, or going with her on Saturday even though it’s not the church we are members at, and I don’t get as much out of it. I find this really hard as growing up as my Mom was the guiding influence on getting our family to mass each week, but both my Mom and Dad were consistent and on the same page with the message.

 

[Xantippe]

Hello.

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have 5 kids, youngest is 3.

When we were dating, we were both going to mass at separate parishes. We spent several months going to different parishes together, and settled on a very conservative church and joined-as most of the local parishes are quite progressive in the area we live. We were married there…and our kids go to the catholic school there. The only issue is that it is 25-30 minutes away from where we live. Unfortunately that price of houses in that area is about double that of where we live, so moving would cost of hundreds of thousands of dollars more for the same house. With private school tuition…I don’t think it’s an option.

When the kids were much younger, we mostly split up going to church. Now that they are all of age, we started going to mass together at our parish. We fell into a rut of never leaving on time and always being late. I started to do more in terms of getting the kids ready while my wife got ready…but that pretty much evolved into me being responsible for getting all 5 kids ready, or we would be late. Even with me now getting all 5 kids and myself ready, we are still always late. With a family of 7, this pretty much means we are stuck standing in back as there are no seats left when you show up 15 minutes late.

I guess my wife and I are on completely different pages when it comes to Sunday mass–which is a shocker to me. I was taught that you scheduled everything else around getting to mass…she on the other hand, doesn’t seem to think its a big deal showing up late every week. I have to tell her she needs to get in the shower if we are going to make it on time…and we still don’t.

Now, she has decided that she is going to go Saturday at 4:30 at the local parish–as the whole mass thing for her on Sunday ruins her day. The parish is very liberal and people come and go in and out of the mass all of the time. Most families leave right after communion and half of the people there are in shorts. She leaves at 4:30 and gets there late and (I think) leaves after communion as well. The kids now like going with her as its the easy thing to do. They are getting into the habit of wanting to show up to mass late now as it seems shorter. ! Ugh!

As it stands now, she goes on Saturday to the local parish–not the one we are member at (usually late) and takes 1-2 of the kids. I go to the 8AM mass with whichever of the kids still need to go. Somehow I manage to get to the 8AM mass on time…even though it further away. She tells me that going on Sundays with me ruins her day, and I am a Mass Nazi…

So, I’m stuck as a father as what to do…continue as we are going to mass separately, or going with her on Saturday even though it’s not the church we are members at, and I don’t get as much out of it. I find this really hard as growing up as my Mom was the guiding influence on getting our family to mass each week, but both my Mom and Dad were consistent and on the same page with the message.

How about going to your wife’s favored Mass (which is close) but getting there on time?

You can always make more of an effort to go further away when your youngest gets bigger.

 

[pensmama87]

In our family, I am the punctual one and my husband is not. I am an early riser and my husband is a night owl who likes to sleep in.

We are both happy with our parish so that’s not an issue. We used to try to go to the earlier morning Mass and it just caused too many problems. I had to drag my husband out of bed, get everybody ready, and we’d all be mad at each other by the time we were finally in the car, and usually late as well.

I decided I’d rather cut into nap time a little and we now go in the late morning. DH can wake up and I have plenty of time to dress the kids. They have a snack right before to help them make it to lunch. We thought about the Vigil, but it would have made dinner prep difficult and the late afternoon is horrendous for the kids’ behavior.

If it were all up to me and my schedule, yeah, we’d still go to the early morning Mass. But my husband gets up earlier than his natural time five, sometimes six days per week. I give him Sunday morning as an act of love. I decided my priority was going together without fighting about it. I can’t have it the exact way I want it, so I figure out what’s most important and go from there.

What are your priorities? The parish? The time? Going together? What can you give a little?

 

[dans0622]

… She tells me that going on Sundays with me ruins her day, and I am a Mass Nazi. …

Hello,

A Mass Nazi…that sort of comment really puts you at a disadvantage.

There seems to be a somewhat dismissive attitude about the importance of participation at Mass. So, I also think that a good first step, which is pretty important, is going to the whole Mass. If you can do that and do it together, that’s good. Maybe that will instill a bit of appreciation for what attending Mass means.

After that, though, it won’t necessarily be easier to get back to going to a Mass that you prefer…

Dan

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Hello.

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have 5 kids, youngest is 3.

When we were dating, we were both going to mass at separate parishes. We spent several months going to different parishes together, and settled on a very conservative church and joined-as most of the local parishes are quite progressive in the area we live. We were married there…and our kids go to the catholic school there. The only issue is that it is 25-30 minutes away from where we live. Unfortunately that price of houses in that area is about double that of where we live, so moving would cost of hundreds of thousands of dollars more for the same house. With private school tuition…I don’t think it’s an option.

When the kids were much younger, we mostly split up going to church. Now that they are all of age, we started going to mass together at our parish. We fell into a rut of never leaving on time and always being late. I started to do more in terms of getting the kids ready while my wife got ready…but that pretty much evolved into me being responsible for getting all 5 kids ready, or we would be late. Even with me now getting all 5 kids and myself ready, we are still always late. With a family of 7, this pretty much means we are stuck standing in back as there are no seats left when you show up 15 minutes late.

I guess my wife and I are on completely different pages when it comes to Sunday mass–which is a shocker to me. I was taught that you scheduled everything else around getting to mass…she on the other hand, doesn’t seem to think its a big deal showing up late every week. I have to tell her she needs to get in the shower if we are going to make it on time…and we still don’t.

Now, she has decided that she is going to go Saturday at 4:30 at the local parish–as the whole mass thing for her on Sunday ruins her day. The parish is very liberal and people come and go in and out of the mass all of the time. Most families leave right after communion and half of the people there are in shorts. She leaves at 4:30 and gets there late and (I think) leaves after communion as well. The kids now like going with her as its the easy thing to do. They are getting into the habit of wanting to show up to mass late now as it seems shorter. ! Ugh!

As it stands now, she goes on Saturday to the local parish–not the one we are member at (usually late) and takes 1-2 of the kids. I go to the 8AM mass with whichever of the kids still need to go. Somehow I manage to get to the 8AM mass on time…even though it further away. She tells me that going on Sundays with me ruins her day, and I am a Mass Nazi…

So, I’m stuck as a father as what to do…continue as we are going to mass separately, or going with her on Saturday even though it’s not the church we are members at, and I don’t get as much out of it. I find this really hard as growing up as my Mom was the guiding influence on getting our family to mass each week, but both my Mom and Dad were consistent and on the same page with the message.

How is it after 15 years you are so far apart on faith.
Did you have a “conversion” lately or has she fallen away?
Sounds like all of this faith and mass being something you guys did separately is catching up.
It sounds like you are asking how to lead a family after 15 years of not leading. That would be hard to do!

 

[Della]

The answer is simple. Go with your wife and kids to an evening Saturday Mass at a Catholic parish with good liturgy and solid teaching. It doesn’t matter at all which Mass you attend if it fulfills your Sabbath obligation. The more you make an issue out of what is no issue at all, the worse it will get. The important thing is to go to an approved Mass, not which Mass you attend.

 

[barhoram]

How is it after 15 years you are so far apart on faith.
Did you have a “conversion” lately or has she fallen away?
Sounds like all of this faith and mass being something you guys did separately is catching up.
It sounds like you are asking how to lead a family after 15 years of not leading. That would be hard to do!

Hi. Thanks for all of the responses.

I’d say it’s a mix of going to mass separately for a long time due to having 5 kids in 12 years…we’ve always had at least 2 or 3 in diapers…and a bit of my wife falling away…or just never being as strict about making it a priority to get to mass on time, every week. She’s always been of the belief that it’s more important to be a “good person” all week than make it to mass and be on time each week. She’s told me this. I don’t agree…but there’s not much I can do about that other than holding on to my belief. I thought leading was sticking to my belief and making sure I and as many of our kids get to mass on time to the church we belong to. She has chosen to do her own thing.

I also think there is a bit of resentment in her. I come from a family of 5 kids as well, and all 5 are married and go to church every week with their family. She come from a family of 3 and both her brother and sister are divorced and don’t even go to mass ever. Her parents are catholic, and they even went to catholic school…but both her brother and sister or non-practicing. It’s very hard to say this, but I really think she resents me and my family because we still all are actively practicing, and her siblings are not…

I’ve thought about offering to go to Saturday evening mass with her, but It would just be the same thing as Sunday mornings, a day early. She literally starts to get ready for church about 15 minutes before mass starts, and yells to the kids whoever is going with her needs to get ready…she is leaving. I would have to tell her that it takes her at least a half hour to get ready and we should leave so we get there at least 5 minutes early…and then go and get all 5 kids and myself ready.

 

[barhoram]

The answer is simple. Go with your wife and kids to an evening Saturday Mass at a Catholic parish with good liturgy and solid teaching. It doesn’t matter at all which Mass you attend if it fulfills your Sabbath obligation. The more you make an issue out of what is no issue at all, the worse it will get. The important thing is to go to an approved Mass, not which Mass you attend.

I have no problem going to the 4:30 mass at our parish, or any of the Sunday masses. She doesn’t wan to go on Sunday, and complains that the it also ruins her Saturday because it is 25 minutes away. We are on the road a lot because 4 of our kids attend school there (we split taking them during the week).

Also–we would always be late because on her own, she can not or will not plan enough to get ready on time, or express dismay in me telling her that it’s time to start getting ready for church or we wont make it on time. This is assuming I would need to get all of the kids ready too.

 

[Lou2U]

I would go with your wife at a time that she prefers. If she is falling away, it will at least encourage her to keep going to Mass.

If your wife is disorganised with leaving on time, set a timer however many minutes early you need to start getting ready to leave, and make sure everyone follows it. Ask your older kids to make sure they are ready on time and to help the younger kids if needed.

Lou

 

[barhoram]

I would go with your wife at a time that she prefers. If she is falling away, it will at least encourage her to keep going to Mass.

If your wife is disorganised with leaving on time, set a timer however many minutes early you need to start getting ready to leave, and make sure everyone follows it. Ask your older kids to make sure they are ready on time and to help the younger kids if needed.

Lou

Been there, done that with the timer. Unfortunately, no timer (especially If I set it) will get her to stop what she is doing until she is ready to. At some point, going on my own just became so much easier to accept. Not sure which is worse, the drain of trying to get her moving and still showing up 15 minutes late each mass, or getting myself to the church we belong to each week on time…even if it’s without her. Like I said, the kids are now wanting to go with her because its a much shorter drive and they get to show up late and leave early.

 

[Lou2U]

Been there, done that with the timer. Unfortunately, no timer (especially If I set it) will get her to stop what she is doing until she is ready to. At some point, going on my own just became so much easier to accept. Not sure which is worse, the drain of trying to get her moving and still showing up 15 minutes late each mass, or getting myself to the church we belong to each week on time…even if it’s without her. Like I said, the kids are now wanting to go with her because its a much shorter drive and they get to show up late and leave early.

What is she normally doing before Mass? Is there some kind of activity you can be doing as a family (maybe outside the house, maybe inside the house) that you can end with enough time for everyone to go and get ready when you’ve finished?

I’m sorry your children are reflecting your wife’s attitude to just wanting to leave. Maybe you could implement more faith-related things during the week to help that? It may also help your wife with her faith.

Lou

 

[barhoram]

All the more reason to tell your wife how much you admire her faith! This is a stretch, since I don’t know her, but she may feel you are comparing her to your family and she is coming up short. Tell her how wonderful she is! Tell her how amazing it is that her brother fell away and her sister fell away but that you hit the jackpot because you married this amazing faithful woman that attends Mass every Sunday and that loves Jesus!

It’s possible that your wife feels she has let you down because she doesn’t measure up to the other members of your family, but she really is your family. Be her champion, be her protector. Satan wants you to see her in a negative light and wants you to be frustrated with her. The strength you received in the Sacrament of matrimony will help a great deal. You and your wife need to try and grow together, this will take love, love and more love. Please be assured of my prayers.

Thanks for this. This is good advice, and I will try and use it.

Right now, yes, much easier to focus on the negative’s…especially when I feel I’m fighting a loosing battle with the one person that she be there fighting side by side with me on the same page instead of against it.

 

[Della]

Thanks for this. This is good advice, and I will try and use it.

Right now, yes, much easier to focus on the negative’s…especially when I feel I’m fighting a loosing battle with the one person that she be there fighting side by side with me on the same page instead of against it.

Monicad’s is great advice Encourage her and love her. Send her flowers. Give her a day at a spa. Make meals–especially when she’s rushed off her feet. Tell her you love her when she doesn’t expect it. Give her hugs–people love to be hugged, especially spouses. Help with the housework. Make it easy to get to Mass Saturday evenings. Get the kids ready so she has time to get ready and not feel pressured. If she still doesn’t want to go to Mass, take the kids and go without making an issue of it. In time, hopefully, she’ll stop feeing like it’s all on her to measure up.

 

[1ke]

IMHO, Mass is the symptom, something else is the problem. She is using the Mass to engage in passive aggressive behavior.

Something is underlying this. She knows it is important to you. Yet, she is choosing do something to make you angry and to be late to Mass. Yes, she is CHOOSING to be late. She’s doing it ON PURPOSE. You are ignoring that part.

I think you need to get to the bottom of what is behind it. It’s a bad example to the children. It’s childish behavior. And, it’s not solving anything, it’s putting a wedge between you.

Find a time when you two have the time to talk it out uninterrupted, even if it means getting a babysitter. If you both like and respect the pastor at your parish, make an appointment to talk with him together about this issue.

If she refuses to change, take the kids to mass with you, on time and in full.

 

[barhoram]

Monicad’s is great advice Encourage her and love her. Send her flowers. Give her a day at a spa. Make meals–especially when she’s rushed off her feet. Tell her you love her when she doesn’t expect it. Give her hugs–people love to be hugged, especially spouses. Help with the housework. Make it easy to get to Mass Saturday evenings. Get the kids ready so she has time to get ready and not feel pressured. If she still doesn’t want to go to Mass, take the kids and go without making an issue of it. In time, hopefully, she’ll stop feeing like it’s all on her to measure up.

Thanks. I’ve tried most of these. Can’t count on both hands and feet the times I’ve gotten everyone ready and just sat in the driveway in the car…waiting on her. Usually she just tells us to go and shows up whenever she finally gets ready. Probably do more than half of the housework and all of the cooking and shopping already. Time management and housework is not her thing.

This weekend will be a good test, as we are having dinner at her parents Saturday evening, and she won’t be able to go to mass. We will have to go on Sunday. I am already dreading the conversation, as I will ask her Saturday what time she wants to go to church, and she will probably just say…I don’t know…too busy to think about that right now. Then Sunday morning will hit…

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

IMHO, Mass is the symptom, something else is the problem. She is using the Mass to engage in passive aggressive behavior.

Something is underlying this. She knows it is important to you. Yet, she is choosing do something to make you angry and to be late to Mass. Yes, she is CHOOSING to be late. She’s doing it ON PURPOSE. You are ignoring that part.

I think you need to get to the bottom of what is behind it. It’s a bad example to the children. It’s childish behavior. And, it’s not solving anything, it’s putting a wedge between you.

Find a time when you two have the time to talk it out uninterrupted, even if it means getting a babysitter. If you both like and respect the pastor at your parish, make an appointment to talk with him together about this issue.

If she refuses to change, take the kids to mass with you, on time and in full.

Yup I agree!

 

[Lou2U]

Thanks. I’ve tried most of these. Can’t count on both hands and feet the times I’ve gotten everyone ready and just sat in the driveway in the car…waiting on her. Usually she just tells us to go and shows up whenever she finally gets ready. Probably do more than half of the housework and all of the cooking and shopping already. Time management and housework is not her thing.

This weekend will be a good test, as we are having dinner at her parents Saturday evening, and she won’t be able to go to mass. We will have to go on Sunday. I am already dreading the conversation, as I will ask her Saturday what time she wants to go to church, and she will probably just say…I don’t know…too busy to think about that right now. Then Sunday morning will hit…

In that case, I think 1ke is right. You need to directly ask her why she is always late for Mass, and why she can’t respect you and your children to be on time. It is childish.

Lou

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Hi. Thanks for all of the responses.

I’d say it’s a mix of going to mass separately for a long time due to having 5 kids in 12 years…we’ve always had at least 2 or 3 in diapers…and a bit of my wife falling away…or just never being as strict about making it a priority to get to mass on time, every week. She’s always been of the belief that it’s more important to be a “good person” all week than make it to mass and be on time each week. She’s told me this. I don’t agree…but there’s not much I can do about that other than holding on to my belief. I thought leading was sticking to my belief and making sure I and as many of our kids get to mass on time to the church we belong to. She has chosen to do her own thing.

I also think there is a bit of resentment in her. I come from a family of 5 kids as well, and all 5 are married and go to church every week with their family. She come from a family of 3 and both her brother and sister are divorced and don’t even go to mass ever. Her parents are catholic, and they even went to catholic school…but both her brother and sister or non-practicing. It’s very hard to say this, but I really think she resents me and my family because we still all are actively practicing, and her siblings are not…

I’ve thought about offering to go to Saturday evening mass with her, but It would just be the same thing as Sunday mornings, a day early. She literally starts to get ready for church about 15 minutes before mass starts, and yells to the kids whoever is going with her needs to get ready…she is leaving. I would have to tell her that it takes her at least a half hour to get ready and we should leave so we get there at least 5 minutes early…and then go and get all 5 kids and myself ready.

I think this also underscores the importance of mass as a family. I too am on my 15rg year of marriage with five kids. We have never missed a Sunday.
And part of it is compromise. We go to a late Mass on Sunday. 5 pm because my wife likes to sleep in. I really do not like that Mass, it is loud, irreverent etc. but our friends all go there and our kids are comfortable there so we go!
I can’t imagine we would be a close family faith wise if for the past ten years we went separately. Much of our family discussions center on the faith, friends from church or the homily at Mass that day. Perhaps you could start by making faith more of a family thing than a personal one. This can start with simple dinner conversations and turning off the tv. Your kids are seeing a bad example of family faith life right now.

Also, be extra sure you do not use this time as your time to pontificate to you wife or kids. Listen to them, ask questions, engage them.

 

[Della]

Thanks. I’ve tried most of these. Can’t count on both hands and feet the times I’ve gotten everyone ready and just sat in the driveway in the car…waiting on her. Usually she just tells us to go and shows up whenever she finally gets ready. Probably do more than half of the housework and all of the cooking and shopping already. Time management and housework is not her thing.

This weekend will be a good test, as we are having dinner at her parents Saturday evening, and she won’t be able to go to mass. We will have to go on Sunday. I am already dreading the conversation, as I will ask her Saturday what time she wants to go to church, and she will probably just say…I don’t know…too busy to think about that right now. Then Sunday morning will hit…

Clearly she is being obstinate–for whatever reasons. Perhaps resentment? She probably isn’t happy bringing up 5 kids. That’s what it sounds like to me.

If she won’t commit to going to Mass with you and the kids, then take the kids without her. It’s what she wants, or thinks she wants. You two need marriage counseling to get to the bottom of her resentment. In the meantime, take your kids to Mass. You can’t let her attitude drive their spiritual development nor rob you of you rights as a Catholic father.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Thanks. I’ve tried most of these. Can’t count on both hands and feet the times I’ve gotten everyone ready and just sat in the driveway in the car…waiting on her. Usually she just tells us to go and shows up whenever she finally gets ready. Probably do more than half of the housework and all of the cooking and shopping already. Time management and housework is not her thing.

This weekend will be a good test, as we are having dinner at her parents Saturday evening, and she won’t be able to go to mass. We will have to go on Sunday. I am already dreading the conversation, as I will ask her Saturday what time she wants to go to church, and she will probably just say…I don’t know…too busy to think about that right now. Then Sunday morning will hit…

My wife runs late always. She is late for work all the time. She is late to parties etc. and part of that is her personality and part of it is having kids. So, I make sure two gently help her get ready in time and I do some housework that needs to be done and get kids ready. Actually I start this about an hour before departure time. Perhaps your wife needs your help.