I don’t think leading is necessarily the same as “sticking to your guns.” That sounds like a shootout, like you’re saying you need to “win,” to force her to do things your way, or die trying.
What it sounds like you’re doing is seeing your wife as a problem and trying to “fix” her. She is not a problem, she is a human being, a daughter of God, and your equal. She is your wife, the woman you love. You are on the same team, but right now, you’re using different plays and shooting for different goals. You need to find your common goal. And that means you need to listen for
understanding, not information.
It would be nice if you two could actually come to an agreement (not “win” the argument) about which Mass/parish to attend. If possible, figure out what your needs/wants are (hint: it’s NOT, “I want you to be at Mass on time”), and what hers are, and find a solution that works for both of you. And when either of you slips up (because hey, we’re all human), forgive quickly and move forward.
Food for thought: since you are getting all of the kids ready, it sounds like you’ve also started treating your wife as one of the children (sometimes us parents slip into that mindset, and it’s hard to get out of it). Stop telling her what she needs to do and stop taking over. She’s an adult. She knows what she needs to do, but she probably resents being told what to do and how/when to do it. You don’t have that authority; you aren’t the one responsible for getting her to Mass. She is. If she can figure out how to get anywhere else on time, she can figure this out. If you’re going to help, then help. If you’re going to “help” by taking over so you can attempt to force her to do what you want, then don’t.
If this is really the hill you want to die on, then you will have to be responsible for getting yourself to Mass on time, and stop blaming her when you are late. You are CHOOSING to wait on her. The night before, tell everyone what time you will be leaving for Mass in the morning. Then stick to it. If she’s not ready on time, leave without her and save her a seat (if you have another car she can take). Don’t mention her lateness, don’t complain or nag, just speak positively about Mass (not in a “see what you missed” kind of way, but actual joy). If she complains that you left without her, gently take her hands, look her in the eyes, and tell her that you would really like her to be there with you, but you have realized that you can’t control her, and you are sorry that you were trying to before. Let her know that it’s very important to you to be on time for Mass, so you are going to get there on time. You’re not doing this to control her or “punish” her, just like you know she’s not been running late to punish you. You hope she comes with you, but you’re not going to force or nag or complain if she chooses to leave later, or go to another Mass. You will save her a seat, and you hope that she will choose to be there with you, even if she takes a different car, because you really want to share Mass with her.
If you can’t or won’t do that, then accept that you are going to be late every week (this would be what I’d most likely recommend, but you know your wife better than I do!). Accept it as the most she can currently do, and that she is giving what she can. Stop demanding more, and appreciate the effort she is giving. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Let love blind you to her faults. Love her where she is.
You cannot be her Holy Spirit. You can be a good example, but you cannot force her to love Mass, or to get there on time, and if she feels you disapprove of the effort she is making (because you want more), she’s not likely to put in more effort, but may do less. You haven’t given her any reason to WANT to do more. “Because it would make me happy” might be enough, but you haven’t even shown that you are likely to BE happy if she puts in the (considerable) effort to change–in fact, when she feels she’s making some effort to get to Mass with you, you are
more upset than you probably were when the two of you went to Mass separately. Right?
It also sounds like she’s resenting Mass with you because it’s where she feels she loses some of your love–you don’t approve of her tardiness, you are disappointed with her, you blame her, she feels like she’s not good enough as she is to be worthy of your love and approval. Again, the only solution is to
love her where she is.
As God does.
:clapping:
and be flexible