Wife's aversion to intimacy. HELP.

[Schieffelin]

I think you are being incredibly selfish. I’ve read both post and all I see is despite how disturbed she is about the image and thought of sex due to what has happened to her, you still persist and pushing her to put up with your desires anyway.

All this is doing is going to make her feel sick of the idea of looking at you in any sexual way possible. You are rubbing a raw wound.

I want to say more, but where will it go? Nowhere, I think.

This is a ridiculous and simplistic assessment of this situation. If you don’t have anything constructive to say, please go play somewhere else.

 

[Zundrah]

I am sorry that your faith is “empty Roman Catholic.”

So am I.

 

[centurionguard]

Whoah… (Reading now) this is like the gossip part of a celeb magazine… heehee

Not really. :tsktsk: unless you look at the seriousness of it with empathy.
I suffer with Sexual Aversion Disorder for different reasons.

I guessing with married couples its a bigger problem than most would readily admit.

To the OP your in my prayers!

 

[28562]

I think you are being incredibly selfish. I’ve read both post and all I see is despite how disturbed she is about the image and thought of sex due to what has happened to her, you still persist and pushing her to put up with your (“needs”) desires anyway.

All this is doing is going to make her feel sick of the idea of looking at you in any sexual way possible. You are rubbing a raw wound.

I want to say more, but where will it go? Nowhere, I think.

Say what you want to say. Maybe it’s something that I need to hear.

Although, I can say that you are way off base with the first statement. It’s really difficult to express my level of sympathy, understanding, and patience that I have (and have had) through a typed message.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks so far guys…

A couple things…

1. I have already made the decision to stop masturbating. I decided that a few days ago after realizing just how crummy it really made me feel.
2. I think that TherealJuliane could actually be my wife…geez, couldn’t sound more similar, really. Maybe her body issues play a part, but she is not overweight. I think she weighs about 10lbs more than when we got married. I tell her all the time how great she looks, and I have done so for years, but it seems like she never listens.
3. Yes, her sister was molested, but she wasn’t. She would have told me about it, I have no doubt in my mind.
4. To nancy, I truly believe in my heart that she will NEVER come to me when she is ready, because she will never be ready. When we were talking last night, I told her that I felt like she would be perfectly happy if we never had sex again and I never mentioned another word about it. She didn’t disagree.
5. To Anne, help me understand the ‘pressure’ issue. I just don’t get it. If we had been doing so good and I did everything right, how does it still not work?
6. One of the biggest problems is that when I think about it, I get in a really crummy, depressed, discouraged mood. And I have NOBODY to talk to this about. You just can’t talk about things like this with anyone…friends, brothers, parents…Thank God for the internet. I honestly feel less anxiety about this issue after I typed this thread earlier.

I will add you and your wife to my prayers. Please think about counseling and look into Retrouvaille, which is a weekend retreat where you will learn to communicate.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I think you are being incredibly selfish. I’ve read both post and all I see is despite how disturbed she is about the image and thought of sex due to what has happened to her, you still persist and pushing her to put up with your (“needs”) desires anyway.

All this is doing is going to make her feel sick of the idea of looking at you in any sexual way possible. You are rubbing a raw wound.

I want to say more, but where will it go? Nowhere, I think.

What has happened to her? She got married and had children, and has a husband who loves he and wants to be intimate with her? Excuses. She needs counseling if she has problems with sex.

 

[Zundrah]

Say what you want to say. Maybe it’s something that I need to hear.

Although, I can say that you are way off base with the first statement. It’s really difficult to express my level of sympathy, understanding, and patience that I have (and have had) through a typed message.

Well okay, give me a while and I’ll try again. This time, I’ll really give it some more thought.

 

[Zundrah]

Not really. :tsktsk: unless you look at the seriousness of it with empathy.

I didn’t mean it in an immature way.

I suffer with Sexual Aversion Disorder for different reasons.

I am 23 and have never let a guy touch me. Let’s not go into the reasons why.

I guessing with married couples its a bigger problem than most would readily admit.

It’s a problem if someone wants something that another person doesn’t want to give.

 

[Tbrightson]

Seems to me she liked being intimate before marriage and in the early years of the marriage.

But now she finds it “disgusting”.

Its one thing if the libido wanes as we get older, thats only natural.

(on edit, you two are still very young I see)

But to go to thinking its something that is now disgusting means something is wrong.

Somethings changed. It needs to be flushed out.

Counseling strongly recommended.

Prayers for the Best.

 

[Zundrah]

What has happened to her? She got married and had children, and has a husband who loves he and wants to be intimate with her? Excuses. She needs counseling if she has problems with sex.

Excuses? You think she is making excuses? Did you actually read everything he wrote to us?

And excuse me, but there is no such thing as an excuse to push a sexual advance away. You seem to think that women have to simply submit like a dog to whatever is demanded from them.There is simply a reason and every woman on this earth can say no without having to be questioned why she says so.

Wow, just wow. Seriously.

 

[lauraabarlow]

Number One, STOP masturbating! It is a mortal sin and will do NOTHING ti improve your relationship with your wife. You are reducing sex to a physical need, exactly what you say your wife believes it to be. You don’t get any of those other needs met when you masturbate and it’s sinful on top of that. So just QUIT!

You are doing well with the dates, but do it more often. You have 3 little kids, your wife is tired, and she’s angry at you for something. She knows that is the best way to hurt you. It may not be conscious on her part, but on some level, she knows she is getting to you. It’s a very powerful position for a woman to refuse sex with her husband.

Keep asking her to go to counseling, or Retrouvaille. She needs to communicate with you. I could talk to her about what she is doing, which is destroying her marriage. Pray for your wife, she does need help… If her twin was molested I wonder if she was too.

I was wondering about the same thing-whether she was molested herself as a child. Maybe she may be associating intimacy with her past pain-and projecting it unto you, maybe not intentionally. I really feel bad for you-and think that you need to keep encouraging your wife to go with you to counseling. If she doesn’t go, please go without her. Perhaps she may eventually come along with you. Keep your faith and keep praying-maybe like I said, there are some unresolved pain interfering with your wife from being totally opened with you. She is so blessed to have you as a loving husband and father-and I pray that God will bring healing to your wife and your marriage…hugs…

 

[Schieffelin]

Excuses? You think she is making excuses? Did you actually read everything he wrote to us?

And excuse me, but there is no such thing as an excuse to push a sexual advance away. You seem to think that women have to simply submit like a dog to whatever is demanded from them.There is simply a reason and every woman on this earth can say no without having to be questioned why she says so.

Wow, just wow. Seriously.

Actually you are not correct. The Catholic Church teaches that it is a very grave matter for one spouse to reject the other sexually unless there is a very good reason. And even when there is a good reason, she has an obligation to examine her motives and to make every good faith effort to restore what has been lost (sexual intimacy).

This means showing compassion to her husband and agreeing to counseling or whatever it takes to help things be restored to their natural state, which is a sexual union between man and wife. You seem to fall into the camp of thinking that sex is just a physical thing and that men just want to use women like animals. That’s not what sex is about.

 

[28562]

You seem to think that women have to simply submit like a dog to whatever is demanded from them.

I wanted to hear what else you had to say, but if all you gathered from my post was that I was **demanding **anything from her and expecting her to **submit **like a dog, then perhaps you should take the other poster’s advice and go away…Because apparently there are issues with reading comprehension and anything you have to say will not be of any value to me.

 

[28562]

You seem to fall into the camp of thinking that sex is just a physical thing and that men just want to use women like animals. That’s not what sex is about.

Somebody gets it.

zundrah, please stop the hijack.

 

[SwizzleStick]

…There is simply a reason and every woman on this earth can say no without having to be questioned why she says so. …

Actually, that is not so according to the teachings of the Catholic Church. When a Catholic marries, two become one. That means each spouse should be available, open and receptive to the marital embrace unless there is good reason not to be, i.e. illness, fatigue, TTA and the timing is such that interest falls during a fertile window, etc.

 

[Zundrah]

After the movie was over, I tried to kiss her and she said “so, I guess we are supposed to have sex now, right?” and told me that it just felt awkward. I said okay, I’ll try to make it not awkward and I went to our bedroom and straightened it up, lit candles and put on some cologne. I took her to our bedroom and I thought we were getting things started, but then she started to cry. I asked her why she was crying and she told me that she was sad that the kids weren’t in their beds (they were spending the night at our friends). Talk about a mood killer…So I gave up on sex and just tried to hold her and comfort her while we went to sleep. She said “it’s okay, we can still do it…” but I just told her (comforting) “No, don’t worry about it, it’s fine.” And we went to sleep. Of course I was really disappointed and confused, but I just figured I would get over it. At some point during the night, ( I vaguely remember this) I was half asleep or something ( I don’t really understand what happened) and woke her up to have sex. We did, and then went back to sleep. We were both falling asleep in the middle of it and I don’t know for sure if I was ever awake fully, because I know I am not the kind of guy that would do that. The next day, she said that she felt like she was raped and she never wanted to have sex again, unless we were trying to have a baby. I feel terrible about what happened, but I also feel like I am being unfairly blamed because I wasn’t completely coherent when it happened.
So that is where it stands now. We haven’t had sex in a month and a half. We have talked a bunch since then and we are working really hard on trying to make our relationship better and hopefully the intimacy we had during our dating and honeymoon will come back. We have been more affectionate (kissing, hugging, etc) in recent weeks and I thought we were getting close. She even said that it had crossed her mind, but then I mess up one time with not doing something around the house or being in a bad mood and it’s like I am starting over. Everything had been going great lately and I thought that maybe it would happen on Valentines. We put the kids to bed early and made a nice dinner to eat in peace by ourselves. Then we had some wine and strawberries and watched some tv. We went to bed and I put NO pressure on here, I was hoping that she would make a move. It never happened. As a matter of fact, she brought our 2 yr old into our bed to sleep. I was hurt, but not shocked. I asked her last night when we were talking about our problems what was wrong with Valentines…she told me that everything was perfect, but she didn’t want to be intimate because it was ‘expected’ because it is valentine’s day and she felt too much pressure to ‘perform’. Whatever. Eye roll…
She doesn’t want us to talk to a counselor. I have brought it up more than once and she is not interested. This is so incredibly frustrating. I want to have an intimate relationship with my wife. I want her to want me. It is just not happening. Lately, I have resorted to masturbation to try to control my feelings and help me to give her space, but it leaves me feeling bad. She is perfectly happy not being intimate and I think this last 7 weeks has been like a vacation for her because I haven’t bothered her about it and I have just been quietly taking care of myself. I don’t want to do that. I am still not looking at porn, but it is getting more difficult to control my thoughts about other women. I am certainly not going to cheat on her, but a married man should not be in this predicament!
What am I supposed to do???

I read through this post again, in hope that it might make me think more and change how I think of you in order to deliver a helpful response. But all I see is you wanting, desiring and expecting. I just feel so sick from this feeling that I don’t want to comment any more.

You did pressurize her, then you go on to do it again and again even though and I am shocked she even bothered to tell you exactly how she feels about it. You just go on to try again.

She has depression by the sounds of it, and her experience she remembers when young as you mentioned in your first post has likely traumatized her and her association with sex in all forms. Sure she has occasionally had sex with you like a normal person without feeling as low as she usually does, but obviously humans have desires and she has fulfilled them by having sex with you. However that does not change the fact that she has this rather strong disgust toward the whole thing.

It’s not uncommon for a woman who has experienced abuse or been close to someone who it has happened to be put off of ever letting a man touch her. Maybe this is just how it is for her. Just leave her alone, let her come on to you and if that doesn’t happen don’t say a word or a suggestion.

But your life is your own. I can’t really do or say much else. But this is too much for me, I feel very angry. I wasn’t expecting this to be so hurtful when I stumbled on the thread.

I had to cut some text out, it didn’t want to fit.

 

[SwizzleStick]

Actually you are not correct. The Catholic Church teaches that it is a very grave matter for one spouse to reject the other sexually unless there is a very good reason. And even when there is a good reason, she has an obligation to examine her motives and to make every good faith effort to restore what has been lost (sexual intimacy).

This means showing compassion to her husband and agreeing to counseling or whatever it takes to help things be restored to their natural state, which is a sexual union between man and wife. You seem to fall into the camp of thinking that sex is just a physical thing and that men just want to use women like animals. That’s not what sex is about.

I should have just kept reading the thread. This is a perfect response and much more detailed and better than mine.

 

[Castello]

retrouvaille.org/

 

[Rita77]

maritalhealing.com/index.php

this link is a great Cahtolic place to start when its hard to get the other spouse to counseling.

this link above may help

 

[Zundrah]

zundrah, please stop the hijack.

You hate the fact that I brought out the bluntly obviously fact of your disturbing behavior towards your emotionally damaged wife.

I’m sick enough of this now but do go on to talk about me as if I’m listening, that way you can feel as though your actions are legit since you’ll get the last word.