Wife's aversion to intimacy. HELP.

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Zundrah said:
You hate the fact that I brought out the bluntly obviously fact of your disturbing behavior towards your emotionally damaged wife.

I’m sick enough of this now but do go on to talk about me as if I’m listening, that way you can feel as though your actions are legit since you’ll get the last word.
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No, I don’t hate anything, you just don’t get it. You have misread and misinterpreted some of the things that I have said and made your mind up one way and that is it. I am sorry that you cannot see both sides of this like everyone else.
 
Zundrah said:
You hate the fact that I brought out the bluntly obviously fact of your disturbing behavior towards your emotionally damaged wife. …
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Disturbing behavior? A man, and a young man at that, wanting and seeking to share physical and emotional intimacy with his wife is not disturbing behavior. My husband and I call lovemaking “celebrating our sacrament” because that is exactly what it is. We reaffirm our wedding vows each time we celebrate and share the marital embrace. Key words: celebrate and share.
 
Its hard for both of you.

A nearby priest gave these three tips to wedding couples on there wedding day.
  1. Never go to bed on an argument
  2. Say I love you every day
and am extremely sorry that I cannot remember the third.

You feel bad because you think you forced her that night. I bet neither of you have sat down to have an attempted chat about it. As time goes on the harder it gets, I know. But you could somehow simply say to her, for that night, “I’m sorry” No rambling excuses etc just a simple reason why you did so. She doesn’t have to accept or say anything in return but for that night, you can just say “I’m sorry”.

The rest is harder to know how to work. Give her the space and then she will use that space against you in time. But yes, give her the space. Do you get to say to her, every day, that you love her? Not big gestures but a simple, I love you. Does she let you hug her etc. If so just gently allow that to happen as and when. Or try to give her a gentle hug being sensitive to how she responds…Ask her if she wants to communicate with you in a way she feels able to about what it is that getting to her. Not all of us can talk using verbal words when we are stuck and its upto each other to work out how one can share.

And be with God.
 
SwizzleStick said:
Disturbing behavior? A man, and a young man at that, wanting and seeking to share physical and emotional intimacy with his wife is not disturbing behavior. My husband and I call lovemaking “celebrating our sacrament” because that is exactly what it is. We reaffirm our wedding vows each time we celebrate and share the marital embrace. Key words: celebrate and share.
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And we can add to that the important words “marital debt”.
 
Castello said:
And we can add to that the important words “marital debt”.
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Yes, thank you. That is why even when I am not particularly interested or in the mood, I make it my business to get interested because I know that goes along with my wedding vows, unless I don’t feel well, or timing is not good (TTA), etc.

Counseling seems to be the way to go. Or a retreat. Or both.

retrouvaille.org/
 
Zundrah said:
Whoah… (Reading now) this is like the gossip part of a celeb magazine… heehee
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I’m sorry, but I find your comment totally unhelpful and quite inappropriate! This is a marriage of a Catholic couple that needs help- not immature comments comparing their struggle to a newstand gossip rag!
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I am so fortunate that my husband never gave up trying. I put him through hell with my refusal. And I am glad that God finally broke through my attitude and showed me what I was doing.
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I was in the same situation as you. Past wounds and bagge sometimes makes sex difficult even when it’s with someone you love. Only letting go and letting God in can heal those wounds.

Blessings.
 
If you can get her to read a book, I’d recommend “Holy Sex” by Gregory Popcak.

Its is strange how sexual acts prior to marriage can seem almost impossible to resist and then once you’re married its difficult to engage in or desire. I had major hang ups and anxiety about sex when I got married. This contributed to my difficulties consumating my marriage (though certainly there were physical restrictions as well). My desires disappeared the day of my wedding. Ironically while I was courting my husband, while we were pretty good with chastity while dating, once we became engaged, unchaste acts became harder to resist. There was something about the forbidden aspect that put me in a situation of it conquering me. It was like my overall demonizing of sexual acts was somehow a part of my lack of chastity and contributing to giving into sin. I actually never had true sexual fantasies. My nighttime sexual dreams usually involved sinceros of being raped. I had one dream once where I believe I had been sold off as a concubine. I wasn’t allowed to wear clothing and had only a small sheet to cover myself with. I was running from this evil corrupt prince who wanted to have sex with me and all the other crazy women were telling me how wonderful he was and thought I was insane for running. I also had strange dreams of evil babies. There were two cribs both with sets of quintuplets in them. There were an evil number of male babies as female babies. One crib contained the evil babies and the other cribs contained the holy babies. Well the evil male babies crawled out of their cribs, kidnapped the holy male babies, put them in their cribs to be seduced by the evil female babies and then went to the crib with the holy female babies to seduce them. I think the reason they were babies in my dream had to do with just how I saw sexuality as a violation of innocense. It seemed disordered no matter what. Those who were sexual in any capacity were as disordered as seducing evil babies.

This is the opposite of chastity as chastity is said to be an integration of your sexuality into your person. As such, imprisoning my sexuality turned it into a bit of a monster that would occassionally escape and confound me. I was very disciplined but most of my approaches were to resort to suppression rather than intergration.

Once I got married, the sexual monster I’d been imprison was morally demanded to come out of the closet. It was like my sexuality was an abused child who’d been locked in the closet all my life crying out. Suddenly I open the door and I see a whimpering child who is actually petrified of leaving the closet and is afraid the door being open is some sort of trick. I found I didn’t know how to coax it out. It shivered and screamed at my approach and trying to drag it out led to fits of anxiety, and self debasement. It would then try to escape my grasp and flee back into the closet.

My mom also has expressed similiar things: she’s uncomfortable and grossed out by sex, but there is something about doing it when its forbidden that overrides that. When there is nothing to forbide it, there is little motivation to engage in it and you still feel discusted with yourself any time you engage in sexual acts. You see your lack of desire as a good thing, something to be proud of and you still resent people who see sex as a positive thing.

I think what is really needed is a growth in actual chastity, in a true integration of sexuality. This is hard to do because it can feel like you’re being told to rationalize sin and spiritual pride can get in the way. You can give lipservice to how beautiful sex is, but it takes a lot more than that to actually believe it. I’d say Gregory Popcak’s book is a first step. Theology of the body is a good basis, but Popcak’s book is more of a coming together of counciling illuminated by the light of the Theology of the Body. As such, it offers something more.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Oam VERY stubborn! It took a lot for the Holy Spirit to break through my attitude. I can blame my husband for ANYTHING and never look at the plank in my own eye. The poor man! I have been so angry and in total denial of it.

Some if it was my self-image as well. I have felt fat and unattractive for a couple of years now. That’s MY problem and it might h I be a factor with the OP’s wife as well…After 3 kids her body probably doesn’t look like it used to, nor is it likely that she has much time to spend exercising and eating healthy. And my husband would tell me that he LOVES my body and me, just as I am, but I could not even HEAR his words. The Holy Spirit pulled out my ear plugs too! LOL.
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My goodness, this sounds so much like my own situation. At least the OP will know that other people have been in his situation and progress has been made. So often people don’t seek out others for support so they feel alone and never realize others have been through the same thing.

This is not a her or his problem. It’s an issue between both of them.

Blessings.
 
Zundrah said:
I think you are being incredibly selfish. I’ve read both post and all I see is despite how disturbed she is about the image and thought of sex due to what has happened to her, you still persist and pushing her to put up with your (“needs”) desires anyway.
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Men have different ways of showing their emotional needs and feelings than women. I don’t think he is being selfish at all. There is a difference between lustful sex and a man wanting to make love to his wife because he wants to express his feelings to her.

Blessings.
 
SwizzleStick said:
Disturbing behavior? A man, and a young man at that, wanting and seeking to share physical and emotional intimacy with his wife is not disturbing behavior. My husband and I call lovemaking “celebrating our sacrament” because that is exactly what it is. We reaffirm our wedding vows each time we celebrate and share the marital embrace. Key words: celebrate and share.
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Amen!!! Sex in marriage is a good thing.
 
I’m not Catholic, so I hope it’s okay for me to post on this thread.

My husband and I are in a similar situation - and I thank God every day both for his continued pursuit of me and the patience he prays for and exhibits. Sex is so much more than sex, if that makes sense. There are so many factors at play.

I agree with the others that you should pray about the situation and seek counseling. I have been in counseling for the last 8 months (for more than this issue) and it has helped in a lot of ways. I hope that she will eventually want to go. I would also encourage you to find ways to pursue her that aren’t about sex. Do you do things together, sans kids? (Not that kids are bad. I just think it’s important to invest in your relationship). Do you care about her opinions and she yours?

If I may gently probe a little further, what do you expect sex to be like? (You don’t actually have to answer that publicly). One thing that my husband and I have had to comes to terms with is that with my emotional issues and physical illness, sex isn’t going to be what either of us thought it would be. And that’s okay. God still has a good design for us and we are working to find that.

I sincerely hope that the two of you can come to a place of peace about this.
 
Marie_Gregg said:
I’m not Catholic, so I hope it’s okay for me to post on this thread.

My husband and I are in a similar situation - and I thank God every day both for his continued pursuit of me and the patience he prays for and exhibits. Sex is so much more than sex, if that makes sense. There are so many factors at play.

I agree with the others that you should pray about the situation and seek counseling. I have been in counseling for the last 8 months (for more than this issue) and it has helped in a lot of ways. I hope that she will eventually want to go. I would also encourage you to find ways to pursue her that aren’t about sex. Do you do things together, sans kids?When we have the opportunity. Until very recently, we have not had anyone willing to keep our kids. We have been on more dates in 2012 than we have since our oldest son was born (2008). We also started having nights where we feed the kids and then put them to bed to eat by ourselves about once a week. We started that back in Nov?..but fell off because of the holidays. (Not that kids are bad. I just think it’s important to invest in your relationship). Do you care about her opinions and she yours? I think the answer is yes, but I feel like you might be getting at something and I don’t necessarily understand your question.

If I may gently probe a little further, what do you expect sex to be like? (You don’t actually have to answer that publicly).**Who cares if I answer publicly? It’s not like I haven’t posted my darkest secrets already…😛 To be honest, I don’t know what I expect. I have never been with anyone else (neither has she), so I have nothing to compare anything to. I guess my biggest want regarding sex is just the feeling that she WANTS me, both physically and emotionally. I want us to enjoy each other and I want it to bring us closer every time we do it. I want us to get the old butterfly feeling again… ** One thing that my husband and I have had to comes to terms with is that with my emotional issues and physical illness, sex isn’t going to be what either of us thought it would be. And that’s okay. God still has a good design for us and we are working to find that.

I sincerely hope that the two of you can come to a place of peace about this.
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Responses in bold…
 
And there is NOTHING wrong with what you want. You are trying to keep your intimacy with your wife. No sex means no uniting as one flesh. (Of course if there are reasons to abstain, or medical problems, things are different, but these are 2 young healthy adults).

Could she be angry at you for not wanting another child?

I just think you need to find out what she is angry about. Because for women, anger is the biggest turn-off there can be. If I am holding a resentment toward my husband, ain’t NO WAY he is getting near me. But that is MY problem, not his. And my responsibility to talk to him or someone else, in order to get the resentment out.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Could she be angry at you for not wanting another child?
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It has crossed my mind. I will have to ask her tonight. We are planning to have another dinner by ourselves after the kids go to bed, so I should have the opportunity to talk about it. Hopefully a no tv, no computer night.
 
28562 said:
It has crossed my mind. I will have to ask her tonight. We are planning to have another dinner by ourselves after the kids go to bed, so I should have the opportunity to talk about it. Hopefully a no tv, no computer night.
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Hide the cords.

😉
 
You mentioned not having anyone to talk to about your depression, etc, and feeling better having posted. You might benefit from individual counseling.

Now, I’m not a man and I don’t understand men, but perhaps you could talk with a friend or brother if you worked with him to change your relationship. No idea if men do such things, but I thought I’d suggest it.😃

I will pray for you.
 
OP, explore the counseling issue. Instead of focusing on it being a sign of something wrong, stress how important it is that you beleive there is something better for the two of you and our marriage that you aren’t able to grasp on your own.

I feel like in some ways I can see myself in your wife–the small kids, the exhaustion from the demands of caring for them, feeling like DH doesn’t quite ‘get it’, and not disliking our spouse by any means, but not feeling hot and heavy either.

Two quick thoughts. One is another book recommendation. It’s a really easy read and should help. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages. It sounds like you both do love each other, but there is a bit of a disconnect in how its demonstrated and how its felt. This book really will help with that and hopefully fix the ‘getting it’ problem.

Second and along similar lines–I think it’s great that you are doing more to demonstrate your love for your wife. Keep demonstrating it, period. That means without hoping for her to ‘return the favor.’ It can be hard to articulate so bear with me. Getting a lot of nice things, or an evening out, all the while knowing someone expects something, anything from you doesn’t make it feel loving so much as coercive. It isn’t love for love’s sake but love as a tit-for-tat. I do not believe that is your intention, so I point it out so as to help you and your wife come closer together. I know giving without receiving is hard, sometimes downright impossible, so I don’t bring it up wanting it to sound easy, but to encourage you to please love her without strings attached.

That said, you do have every right to miss sexual intimacy with your spouse, and your spouse should be working with you on this…but no woulda, couldas or shouldas will fix this.

Keep working on it. I’ll be praying for you and your wife.
 
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