First, my DH knows that I go to Confession on Thursdays, I go every Thursday. He knows that I also go to Adoration afterwards. He knows that I go to choir practice on Wednesday evenings-- every Wednesday, same time. Well, except for ~2 weeks ago when we moved it to Tuesday, in anticipation of some severe winter weather that was to hit us (and it did!).
The self-centeredness is something that we’ve dealt with off and on throughout the marriage. He has had issues with this for a while now, sometimes very severely so, like when he basically didn’t want to give up his lunch “meeting” with a co-worker to pick me up from the hospital after I’d had major female surgery-- I’d had a hysto and a large benign tumor removed, and it was a bigger surgery than we first anticipated. But, praise God, I was having a fast recovery and was released a few days earlier than estimated. That threw him for a loop.
Oh, did I mention that the co-worker was his EX-GIRLFRIEND?? Yup, she worked at the same place he did.
He finally did pick me up, but was so resentful that he didn’t want to stop at the pharmacy on the way home so that I could have my medicines filled (pain meds and necessary antibiotics). I had to drive myself to the store, even though I wasn’t supposed to drive for 2 weeks-- but I needed those medicines. I wasn’t supposed to lift anything but I had to move a basket of dirty clothes off the bed so I could lie down. I had to pick junk up out of the living room so I could walk through-- he wouldn’t do it.
Oh, and he had moved his lunch “meeting” to a dinner “meeting”. His rationale? He thought I’d want to be alone so I could rest.
Yup, he went out for dinner with his ex-GF the evening that I came home from a hysterectomy.
I cooked my own supper that night. And then he had the bal… er, gumption to ask for “the gift”. Sorry, that was a no-no for 6 weeks post-op. Doctor’s orders! So, could he have… er, a “blue jay” instead, to put it delicately, if you get my drift. He had some nerve asking for that after going out with his EX-GIRLFRIEND when I had just came home from the hospital! “Sorry, dear–I’m not feeling up to it. I just got out of the hospital after major surgery, yanno?”
I doubt sincerely that I would have been so snarky had he not “had a date” with his ex-- at a nicer restaurant than WE had ever gone to as a married couple, to boot. Yeah, he told me where they went.
These are typical examples of what I’d had to put up with from him over the years. What do I want him to do? I want him to treat me like a WIFE and a HUMAN BEING, not his personal maid and “hooker”.
I did start into counseling, BTW. When I related that incident, and a few others, to my counselor, he was incredulous that someone could be so callous.
The self-centeredness has cotinued, BTW. And I’ve spent less time at church so as to spend more time working on things at home. But the mocking and near-blasphemy (or outright blasphemy) continues. So do the demands for the gift. I have given it to him, but it’s not pleasant. I try not to be resentful, but I get the feeling thathe’s using me as a masturbation device instead of sharing an intimate and tender act with a loving wife. He finishes, then basically rolls over and goes to sleep. I feel like I gave him a gift, an embrace that is/ was just tossed back into the box and thrown aside until the next itch hits. I literally try to hug him and he just stands there, arms at his sides, not hugging in return. Honestly, I get more response when I hug my cats.
sigh
But, as someone else said here… it’s his right and my duty. I guess I just have to put up with it. I thought intimacy was supposed to be mutual, but I guess I was mistaken. This relationship is all about give-and-take: I give, he takes. Apparently, romance is something that is only for others, and this is my lot, my cross to bear. So be it. I guess I can “spread my legs” once a week, on schedule, and lie there like a dead fish in the same way that he stands there like a scarecrow when I try to hug him. Perhaps then he’ll understand how it feels when he does it to me. I don’t know how else to show or explain why it feels hurtful to me, and how a lack of real intimacy and caring kind of saps the pleasure out of the marital act.
TheRealJuliane, you said it… I try to be a good, Catholic woman. I feel more than a little stuck in marriage with no way out. And counseling is a vent, but no real solution so far. I do have lots of hobbies, but little time to invest in them-- I’m spending a lot of time trying to make some façade of a loving and interactive marriage… with little success
~Spoken4
