Women and "Those Images"

[jamie86]

Hi CAF! Jamie here! I am posting for what advice you would give a woman who has a problem with pornography, specifically of the “women / women” variety. The woman is married to a man and can’t explain why she is into that stuff. She is distraught that she is more aroused by this kind of porn than by her husband who is quite in tune and gentle with her. She also can’t seem to get enough or get away from it. I know this is a big problem for men but it seems in recent years women are catching up especially with all female same-sex porn. What to do?

 

[SonSearcher]

First off it is highly addictive with no regard for male/female bias.

Second you must go out of your way to get it. Whether it is obtaining the hard copy XXX stuff or going online, it does not make itself easily obtainable in any other way. You can cut the cord very easily… I have experience.

Throw away the bad stuff. Never go back to the store to buy it.
Don’t turn that computer on unless someone is next to you. If you can’t guarantee that turn off the internet, or use it at the library, or even buy a good chaste internet browsing software and ask someone trustworthy to install it.

Take it seriously… it will require a lot of strength and patience.

Making the break is much easier than maintaining the resolve to remain pornography free. If the lady is a Catholic Christian they should confess very soon after acting on the consolation in their heart to dispose of the items. They should rely on God to provide the grace necessary for successful split. Pray!

If they are just Christian by all means they should pray to God for grace and if it truly is a serious problem they should attempt to connect with a “moral” counselor… Unfortunately there are some very intelligent psychologists out there that are not necessarily “moral,” my last and final therapist gave me marriage porn to fix my sexual relationship with my wife. I mean…

 

[JackieMom]

I find that frequent confession really helps keep one free of the more “embarrassing” sins. Having to tell a man about my use of lesbian porn, especially more than once, would be a HUGE deterrent for me.

Don’t go online and search (use a filter if you must), don’t rent the videos, don’t subscribe to dirty magazines.

Finally - think hard about the individuals in those videos. Think about the fact that those women were once someone’s baby girl, someone’s adorable toddler - the schoolgirl with missing front teeth and knobby knees and a Rainbow Brite lunchbox. Think about what must be wrong with her mind for her degrade herself in such a way. Think about how ashamed her family is, and consider why she doesn’t care. Think about where her mind goes when she’s alone. About how she must feel about her body and her soul to allow people to record her performing lewd and disgraceful acts so that dirty old men can masturbate. Once you start to think of porn actors as terribly broken human beings, God’s children, it is hard to get aroused by images of them debasing themselves in dirty videos.

 

[silentfactor80]

I find that frequent confession really helps keep one free of the more “embarrassing” sins. **Having to tell a man about my use of lesbian porn, especially more than once, would be a HUGE deterrent for me.
**
Don’t go online and search (use a filter if you must), don’t rent the videos, don’t subscribe to dirty magazines.

Finally - think hard about the individuals in those videos. Think about the fact that those women were once someone’s baby girl, someone’s adorable toddler - the schoolgirl with missing front teeth and knobby knees and a Rainbow Brite lunchbox. Think about what must be wrong with her mind for her degrade herself in such a way. Think about how ashamed her family is, and consider why she doesn’t care. Think about where her mind goes when she’s alone. About how she must feel about her body and her soul to allow people to record her performing lewd and disgraceful acts so that dirty old men can masturbate. Once you start to think of porn actors as terribly broken human beings, God’s children, it is hard to get aroused by images of them debasing themselves in dirty videos.

Would telling a woman be easier?? Why? Sin is sin. Anyways, sounds like to me the OP might be the one doing it or some other woman she knows. I don’t think it has anything to do with dirty old men lol. The OP is right. Women are catching up to men in the porn department and they prefer lesbian porn. I have heard that women prefer lesbian porn because its not the violent or degrading type that heterosexual porn is.

My advice to the OP is to ask yourself what is it about the male body that you don’t find attractive. Psychologically has any man/men done something to turn you away? Have you been objectified? Do you objectify? What JackieMom said is great and all but if you have an addiction then there has to be more to it.

 

[chevalier]

Hi CAF! Jamie here! I am posting for what advice you would give a woman who has a problem with pornography, specifically of the “women / women” variety. The woman is married to a man and can’t explain why she is into that stuff. She is distraught that she is more aroused by this kind of porn than by her husband who is quite in tune and gentle with her. She also can’t seem to get enough or get away from it. I know this is a big problem for men but it seems in recent years women are catching up especially with all female same-sex porn. What to do?

Self-denial and professional assistance if the addiction is out of hand. But one has to give up whatever is pleasurable if that thing is immoral. Justice be done and all, if charity’s too hard to find.

Also, need to resist that stupid modern cultural cliché that female on female advances are somehow cool. Or that physiological pleasure has to be maximised or else one’s life’s deficient.

 

[Kensho]

Would telling a woman be easier?? Why? Sin is sin. Anyways, sounds like to me the OP might be the one doing it or some other woman she knows. I don’t think it has anything to do with dirty old men lol. The OP is right. Women are catching up to men in the porn department and they prefer lesbian porn. I have heard that women prefer lesbian porn because its not the violent or degrading type that heterosexual porn is.

My advice to the OP is to ask yourself what is it about the male body that you don’t find attractive. Psychologically has any man/men done something to turn you away? Have you been objectified? Do you objectify? What JackieMom said is great and all but if you have an addiction then there has to be more to it.

Well, my opinion’s worth very little, but I’ve always said, as a woman who has struggled with sins against chastity, that it would be a whole lot easier if I could confess to a woman instead of a man, less embarrassing. Confessing to a man feels improper and I have always spent a lot of time thinking of how to delicately phrase things. Perhaps a man could give me his perspective.

What I think of when considering the case of a woman struggling with this kind of sexual sin is the way women as sexual objects are promoted in our culture. Women are presented to all of us as THE sexual creatures, regardless of the sex of those of us looking at them, and this starts with supposedly suitable advertisements when all of us are very young. I’m surprised more women don’t come out asking for help with this kind of thing.

A lot of us have also had issues with our mother that impact us more than we realize. I had relationships with other women as a young woman in college. Went to therapy for something I thought was unrelated, ended up dealing with relationship with mother, ended up quite naturally with no intentions of doing so in relationship with man. Not saying that everyone deals with this issue so easily or that it is always related but it is worth looking at just in case.

 

[silentfactor80]

Well, my opinion’s worth very little, but I’ve always said, as a woman who has struggled with sins against chastity, that it would be a whole lot easier if I could confess to a woman instead of a man, less embarrassing. Confessing to a man feels improper and I have always spent a lot of time thinking of how to delicately phrase things. Perhaps a man could give me his perspective.

What I think of when considering the case of a woman struggling with this kind of sexual sin is the way women as sexual objects are promoted in our culture. Women are presented to all of us as THE sexual creatures, regardless of the sex of those of us looking at them, and this starts with supposedly suitable advertisements when all of us are very young. I’m surprised more women don’t come out asking for help with this kind of thing.

A lot of us have also had issues with our mother that impact us more than we realize. I had relationships with other women as a young woman in college. Went to therapy for something I thought was unrelated, ended up dealing with relationship with mother, ended up quite naturally with no intentions of doing so in relationship with man. Not saying that everyone deals with this issue so easily or that it is always related but it is worth looking at just in case.

Actually your opinion in worth a lot. You do have a point about the sexual objectification. I think guys have not really done a good job sharing our sexuality with women in a positive yet demand a lot of theirs in a negative way. I think more women have this problem than we know but maybe are too ashamed to say so or just embrace it.

I am not quite sure I follow your bolded part though. Are you not interested in men at all?

 

[JackieMom]

Yes, confessing sexual sins to a woman would be 100x easier and less humiliating. It always feels extremely uncomfortable and improper to discuss sexual stuff with a man. If I needed sexual counseling I would ONLY see a female counselor. But, since we can’t confess to women, I am extra careful not to put myself in a situation where I’d have to discuss my sex life with a man other than my husband

 

[silentfactor80]

Yes, confessing sexual sins to a woman would be 100x easier and less humiliating. It always feels extremely uncomfortable and improper to discuss sexual stuff with a man. If I needed sexual counseling I would ONLY see a female counselor. But, since we can’t confess to women, I am extra careful not to put myself in a situation where I’d have to discuss my sex life with a man other than my husband

Why is that? When you confess you are not confessing to a man really. The priest only acts “in persona Christ” meaning you are talking to God. I have a friend that confessed to a priest in Vietnamese but the priest did not speak Vietnamese. He still got absolution though. That is how “in persona Christi” works.

Also, going to confession is not about finding the least humiliating way to say something. Even though I am a guy confessing sexual sin is still not easy and is still humiliating. The priest does not need to know your sex life. The basics of I 1) did it with someone other than my spouse 2) looked at porno 3) committed a same sex act.

I don’t think any of those are hard to get across regardless of your gender.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I’m not sure why confessing to a man would make it worse. I have a bad sexual past, and every person I have shared it with was a female friend. Didn’t feel any worse or better than when I confessed it to a Priest.

 

[jamie86]

Thank you very much for the answers! I have to say this is a really depressing problem and I’m so confused. I know and accept what the Church’s teaching on the subject is and I love my husband very much. In the past I have felt that I could be so open with other girls and I always thought that’s the only important thing in a relationship. I do have a great openness with my husband but I feel like I crave a woman’s sensuality.

 

[JackieMom]

Why is that? When you confess you are not confessing to a man really. The priest only acts “in persona Christ” meaning you are talking to God. I have a friend that confessed to a priest in Vietnamese but the priest did not speak Vietnamese. He still got absolution though. That is how “in persona Christi” works.

Also, going to confession is not about finding the least humiliating way to say something. Even though I am a guy confessing sexual sin is still not easy and is still humiliating. The priest does not need to know your sex life. The basics of I 1) did it with someone other than my spouse 2) looked at porno 3) committed a same sex act.

I don’t think any of those are hard to get across regardless of your gender.

Maybe it’s hard to understand because you’re a male. Yes, confessing sin should always be uncomfortable and yes, we are talking to Christ - but through a very human man. It is very different than talking to a woman about intimate things. Women are trained to be modest and discreet around men (whereas men are free to flaunt their virility.) We are also raised to be ashamed of our desire for sex (whereas for males, a voracious appetite for sex is celebrated and expected.) On top of that, we are raised to be wary of men as, at best, obsessed with sex, and at worst, potential sexual predators (which sadly is true way too often.) These are only some of the reasons why women feel uncomfortable discussing sexual issues with a man. I have loads of friends who refuse to see male OBGYNs, because they don’t want a man up in their private parts. Even though male OBs are professionals, it’s still totally uncomfortable for many women.

 

[JackieMom]

I’m not sure why confessing to a man would make it worse. I have a bad sexual past, and every person I have shared it with was a female friend. Didn’t feel any worse or better than when I confessed it to a Priest.

But it’s not an equal swap. Have you ever been afraid that those women “got off” on what you told them? Probably not. But a modest woman would NEVER discuss her sexual past with a male friend for that very reason. Since males historically have had the political, educational, and social upper hand and always will have the physical upper hand, the dynamic is not the same both ways. We are taught to guard ourselves in many ways from men.

 

[silentfactor80]

Maybe it’s hard to understand because you’re a male. Yes, confessing sin should always be uncomfortable and yes, we are talking to Christ - but through a very human man. ** It is very different than talking to a woman about intimate things. **Women are trained to be modest and discreet around men (whereas men are free to flaunt their virility.) We are also raised to be ashamed of our desire for sex (whereas for males, a voracious appetite for sex is celebrated and expected.) On top of that, we are raised to be wary of men as, at best, obsessed with sex, and at worst, potential sexual predators (which sadly is true way too often.) These are only some of the reasons why women feel uncomfortable discussing sexual issues with a man. I have loads of friends who refuse to see male OBGYNs, because they don’t want a man up in their private parts. Even though male OBs are professionals, it’s still totally uncomfortable for many women.

Bolded:
Maybe this is why bisexuality is more of an issue for women. You confine your emotional issues out of fear and eventually begin to think why do you need men at all if women are better at it and easier to deal with.

Given what the OP has posted do you really think women are always going to be more noble? What if you had a lesbian for an OBGYN? Or what if the female counselor you are talking to has lesbian tendencies?

I understand what you are saying but considering bisexuality among women is so prevalent these days you aren’t guaranteed that the woman you are dealing with isn’t “getting off” on what you tell her.

I have to say I am very disheartened to know that is how women see men…

 

[silentfactor80]

But it’s not an equal swap. Have you ever been afraid that those women “got off” on what you told them? Probably not. But a modest woman would NEVER discuss her sexual past with a male friend for that very reason. Since males historically have had the **political, educational, and social upper hand **and always will have the physical upper hand, the dynamic is not the same both ways. We are taught to guard ourselves in many ways from men.

Why does that matter? I have had several female friends talk about their sexual lives with me and it wasn’t awkward or anything. I certainly was not getting off on it. Some of the things they said would make me totally blush but that’s about it. Perhaps us 20-30 somethings have a different way about us.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

But it’s not an equal swap. Have you ever been afraid that those women “got off” on what you told them? Probably not. But a modest woman would NEVER discuss her sexual past with a male friend for that very reason. Since males historically have had the political, educational, and social upper hand and always will have the physical upper hand, the dynamic is not the same both ways. We are taught to guard ourselves in many ways from men.

Never? That’s strange, since many of my (Good Catholic) friends have shared their sexual pasts with me as well (One of them being a girl I really like). Two of my friends have told me stuff about their sexual past that they haven’t even told their best friends they’ve had since kindergarten (Who are girls).

 

[JackieMom]

Bolded:
Maybe this is why bisexuality is more of an issue for women. You confine your emotional issues out of fear and eventually begin to think why do you need men at all if women are better at it and easier to deal with.

Given what the OP has posted do you really think women are always going to be more noble? What if you had a lesbian for an OBGYN? Or what if the female counselor you are talking to has lesbian tendencies?

I understand what you are saying but considering bisexuality among women is so prevalent these days you aren’t guaranteed that the woman you are dealing with isn’t “getting off” on what you tell her.

I have to say I am very disheartened to know that is how women see men…

They could be getting off, and that would be awkward, but we have not been raised to fear being raped by another woman. Have you ever considered what it’s like to live your entire life knowing that 50% of the population could force themselves on you sexually and there would not be a darn thing you could do about it?

 

[JackieMom]

Never? That’s strange, since many of my (Good Catholic) friends have shared their sexual pasts with me as well (One of them being a girl I really like). Two of my friends have told me stuff about their sexual past that they haven’t even told their best friends they’ve had since kindergarten (Who are girls).

Yeah. Sorry, I think that’s really improper (and I’m a married woman in my 30s.) I would never discuss sexual stuff with a male friend. Not in a million years.

 

[silentfactor80]

They could be getting off, and that would be awkward, but we have not been raised to fear being raped by another woman. Have you ever considered what it’s like to live your entire life knowing that 50% of the population could force themselves on you sexually and there would not be a darn thing you could do about it?

In all honesty, YES! If a woman was acting in a seductively tempting way do you really think a guy would be able to resist given all that you mentioned about guys? Look at all the high profile cases like General Petreus, Bill Clinton, etc. Most powerful men in history brought down by those “weak powerless” women. A woman does not need to physically restrain a guy because her feminine charm is MUCH more efficient. When a man is in an aroused state his higher reasoning circuits shut down and unless he has a REALLY strong will he will be out for the count. Women can’t be seduced as easily but men sure can.

 

[silentfactor80]

Never? That’s strange, since many of my (Good Catholic) friends have shared their sexual pasts with me as well (One of them being a girl I really like). Two of my friends have told me stuff about their sexual past that they haven’t even told their best friends they’ve had since kindergarten (Who are girls).

Personally I see no harm in this and actually a good thing. The only way guys are going to be more understanding of women and their emotions is for women to share. It is a good way for men to learn to empathize with women and learn to set healthy boundaries. It is also a good way for women to feel secure in themselves and safe if they have a male friend looking out for them. I could tell a girl in a much shorter time than for her to figure out if a guy was using her. Consequently a girl could do the same for a guy. I dated a really messed up girl that one of my friends (a girl) told me was more trouble than she was worth. Thanks to her I got out of a very abusive relationship which I may otherwise not have.