Women getting married, having kids, then becoming depressed?

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sarah99

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Why does this happen so often? I hear about women all the time who get married, put behind their careers, have kids and dedicate their lives to their family becoming depressed and feeling trapped, feeling like they have no worth in society because they’re “just a mom” and just “popping out babies”, feeling like they’re leeching off their husbands, feeling like they’ve lost themselves and that they have no value in society. It’s so common to hear this and it’s so sad. Is our society just shaped like this now in the sense that we don’t value motherhood/family or has this always been a thing?

I’m pretty in tune with Korean current events/pop culture and this movie/book has been making waves lately. A lot of Korean men are ticked off about it because it’s apparently a feminist movie. But that’s pretty much one of the tropes of this movie too. The wife is depressed. All she does is looks after kid (or I guess, that’s what she thinks)


If you read the comments under this video, is a lot of what I said above. Women that feel worthless because they’re “just a mom” and have “no value in society” and that they lost themselves.
It’s sad
 
I don’t know if the phenomenon is getting worse or not but I do know it was common even in the 1970’s when I had my kids. I never got overly depressed as in needing medication but I do know it was a phase I went through and so did many of my friends…and this was when being a stay at home mom was more common. I wonder if my mom went through it, too? She went to work when I entered 8th grade and I was able to come home to an empty house. I went back to college to get my degree when my kids were old enough to be alone for a couple of hours…or I made arrangements with my neighbor to watch them.

I never hated being a stay at home mom, I just reached a point where I was going stir crazy. I wasn’t going to have more children, the kids needed me less and I refused to just sit around watching TV. I did some part time work, I volunteered but I wanted to enter another phase in my life! I do think it’s a phase and there are several ways to overcome it.
 
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I wonder if your previous mental state has anything to do with it? If you were depressed before you got married and had kids, odds are you’ll be depressed after you get married and had kids too. Marriage doesn’t change you.
 
OKComputer said:
Marriage doesn’t change you.
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I’d argue that it does! It doesn’t make a shy person a sudden extrovert but it does change you…and so does becoming a mom of one, two, etc… I’m a different person at 67 than I was at 30, 40, and on. Maturity alone causes most of it but just the steps in life do as well, JMHO.
 
I’d argue it doesn’t, and my two ex wives would probably agree with me. In fact, I think it’s a reason that marriages fail. People enter into them thinking they can change the other person or that they’ll change themselves. Just my thoughts.
 
Well people seem to only value someone when they have a job. I have been unemployed before and I got treated very rudely, like less of a person. I just have learned not to care what other people’s judgements are. Usually it seems that it’s mainly other females who judge more harshly on being employed or not. It’s very uncharitable. Ill also add that I think these women should be grateful to even have a child. Many women are infertile and cannot become a mother even though they very much desire one. So the fact that they are so depressed doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Would they rather be all alone, single, no child? Now that seems more depressing. Hm something I ponder a lot
 
I think social media makes the problem worse.

We tend to see things as valuable that can be either monetized or popularized, which means we idolize Silicon Valley and media hubs like LA or New York. We also think “experiencing life” must mean superficial things like traveling even though any evidence that traveling makes you more cultured is scant at best. Meeting new people in authentic contexts can indeed change you, but spending a bunch of money and carbon on flights and hotels and tours and taking pictures of landmarks doesn’t make you smarter compared to reading a book.

You can’t quantify domestic life or raising children. It’s non-quantitative and non-measurable.

And let’s not forget the old proverb that “the grass is always greener on the other side”. Women who make sacrifices for their careers often experience their own guilt and regrets, either for not having children, or for having children but missing large chunks of their children growing up. So to compensate for these pangs of regret they might be tempted to lash out to women that have lived more of a domestic life or to diminish their value in order to elevate their own value.

And basically the exact same thing is true even for men who may be overly consumed in their careers, albeit they often suppress their feelings which makes it even worse.

Ultimately, there are 24 hours in a day and no matter what you do, you’re going to be missing out on something. We can’t experience everything in this life, but in Heaven all of our longings will be fulfilled.
 
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TK421 said:
You can’t quantify domestic life or raising children. It’s non-quantitative and non-measurable.
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And it’s darn hard work! It’s often physically exhausting, boring and lonely. Motherhood is also exhilarating and the best thing ever.

Besides the expectations from social media, I wonder how much just never getting enough sleep effects us. Anyone that struggles with mental health issues will often struggle with them off and on their entire lives but there does seem to be periods during the child rearing years that many normal, healthy women also struggle through without ever having had mental health issues before…or after!
 
Do these women have hobbies? Are they trying to improve and enrich themselves? Or are they all about the kids, 100% of the time? If it’s the last one, I wouldn’t blame them for being depressed. But, it does not have to be that way.
 
sarah99 said:
Women that feel worthless because they’re “just a mom” and have “no value in society” and that they lost themselves.
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This is something that a woman puts on herself. American culture in the 70’s helped to place just that kind of chip a on women’s shoulders. Some of them bought into it. But it’s the individual that bears the responsibility. Aside from a medical condition of course.

Everything that a stay at home mom does is valuable and irreplaceable. But another truth is that some women just don’t like being a SAHM. So they’re not going to feel valuable anyway. Some don’t even like being a mother.

The feminism of the 70’s has died off in regards to the SAHM in the US. Mostly because it’s common now for women to work, and it’s culturally accepted. Maybe it’s not in Korea.
 
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The women who have small children and work full time, then come home to take care of their families and all that entails, are struggling too. I have heard them say that they wish they could stay home while the kids are little but the bills won’t allow it.

I think people in all kinds of situations are struggling.
 
There are trade offs to becoming full-time moms & wives: it is a sacrifice, & many people coming from broken homes can struggle with that reality perhaps never having had it modeled for them in life. I’ve heard of women who’d turned down family for a career - who reached a certain age, looked back, & just started bawling - & money, a career, & status - do not fulfill - much as the culture may tell us otherwise.
 
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1Lord1Faith said:
This is something that a woman puts on herself.
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Not true.

I was a SAHM from the day I found out those little ones were coming to join us. I’d later on found out from my dear hubby, who’d worked so hard to support us all, that the women at his work had let it be known that I didn’t measure up with them as a lowly SAHM - & he stood up for me!

I once met someone from his company who casually commented to me one day without a thought: “Oh, but you don’t really work for a living…” Uh, excuse me…?

On a certain forum for women, I can’t tell you how prevalent the idea of the lowly SAHM was - & most feminists there didn’t bother hiding their disdain.

In my own family, I had pressure from my mom to get out & have a career - never mind the kids. My Dad was fine with me as a SAHM. It wasn’t til much later that my mom started to admit that she could see that my kids were happiest having me home with them.

Women will at times struggle with their own self-image, whether or not they need to contribute to the family income, so many things going through their minds - & family & others add to that pressure…The culture is sure to add pressure. In my case, I was basically told by mom that I was wasting a college education. Oh, well…
 
People choose their own attitude. Their own disposition. I’m not saying that a SAHM may not have moments of doubt after someone questions their lifestyle. But, ultimately, a person’s general attitude is something that they are responsible for.
 
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Being a SAHM can feel like such a “replaceable” profession in today’s society. Here in my city MDO’s abound. You can pay someone minimum wage to clean your house for you. Hello Fresh will deliver nutritious foods. A variety of schools will educate your kids for you for free. Almost no one keeps up with the “womanly arts” of knitting or canning or sewing - it’s cheaper to drop by WalMart for your socks or canned goods.
The possibility for the average SAHM to take pride in her unique contributions to the family is thus limited. We’re sensory people. We like to stand back and admire our work. There’s a certain pride in that. But who takes pride in a just-scrubbed toilet or another casserole packed away in cling-wrap for tomorrow’s leftovers? Modern life makes our womanly tasks so simple that anyone can & does do those things as well or better than your average SAHM. And yet they’re so tedious that no one WANTS to do them at all.

Contrast it with the days when woman took pride in a beautiful quilt to keep the baby warm, a handmade dress, or cooking up a nutritious meal because it meant they were handy in the garden too. They could stand back and see, smell, and taste their own creativity. And so could their spouse, kids, and neighbors. They weren’t competing with Olive Garden takeout.
 
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Jen7 said:
Being a SAHM can feel like such a “replaceable” profession in today’s society. Here in my city MDO’s abound.
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I would hope that most SAHP’s do not feel this way. They are in fact irreplaceable. One cannot pay someone else to love their own family.

But it’s hubby’s job that is replaceable. My spouse complains that their job is unfulfilling, among other things.

For those people with a material attitude towards life…a job with status, recognition and good pay may be their primary goal. For Christians, the family takes priority.

The whole materialist, ‘valuable citizen’ attitude is reminiscent of the atheistic communism of the USSR. I’m not surprised that it was brought to the US during the late 60’s. But it is surprising to me to see people, especially here on a Catholic website, repeat the lamentable talking points of the ‘sad SAHM’ that was so prevalent in the 70’ and 80’s. Back then I saw that attitude destroy families because moms seemingly could not find self worth inside the home. When I see the same talking points repeated today it upsets me.
 
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I think there’s two issues. One is the breakdown of extended family and community life. This can leave wives and mothers isolated, which they never were before. Part of this is because so many mothers work now, there is less of a community of neighborhood mothers, aunts, and grandparents nearby to support one another

The second issue is the general societal guilt that if a woman is not “having it all” it’s a bad thing.
 
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1Lord1Faith said:
But it is surprising to me to see people, especially here on a Catholic website, repeat the lamentable talking points of the ‘sad SAHM’ that was so prevalent in the 70’ and 80’s.
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Oh. I thought we were being honest and vulnerable on this thread. If it’s just about repeating “talking points” I’m out. Ain’t got time for that - I’m busy raising my kids!
 
Genesis315 said:
One is the breakdown of extended family and community life. This can leave wives and mothers isolated, which they never were before.
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This ^ may be the biggest single factor. Which has nothing to do with materialist talking points, but it probably helped make those talking points stick.
 
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