Women, how do you judge your own modesty?

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Maryjk 👍
I really think if a man looks at a womens arm, and gets lustful-it is certainly not the womans fault-the guy has a problem. If I wore an outfit like this on the tennis court-sheesh.

Modesty is situational, ansd also the intent behind the dressing is whatKs important, not what other’s reactions are. There will always be people judging-either your too frumpy or too revealing etc… Dress for the situation, and for your own body type.
If you think people wil think your vain or not intelligent-if thye know you, they will know this is untrue. The others do not matter-God knows what’s in your heart.
 
maryjk said:
Just to let people know what you are advocating, I thought I would quote some of your link

I am sorry, but this isn’t modest dress. This is full coverage dress. Add the requirement of 8 inches below the knee, and we no longer look like Mary, but instead look like a Muslim.

I always wonder what people that encourage coverage like this for women, recommend for men? I have to presume that men shouldn’t wear short sleeves, shorts, or collars that open more than enough to allow the head to push through.
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I’m not advocating for full coverage, I would like to point out that Mary like dress is how Muslims dress, but it is none the less the way Mary actually did dress. Mary never wore a dress that was less than 8 in bellow the knee, she covered her arms completely, she covered her hair, and the clothing was not form fitting but instead loose and layered.

Personally I wear jeans and tshirts most days, but if it’s cold I might wear sweaters or hoodies, and if it’s hot I might wear shorts. Situations dictate what is acceptable, but it’s never going to be alright to wear a bikini to walk around town. It’s easy to pick out going overboard in either direction, so I figure as long as your wardrobe falls somewhere in between you are adequately covered.
 
Honestly after a certain point it seems like more coverage just makes things worse. Super high necklines always seem to make my bust more obvious than necklines that hit just a bit above the decolletage. That and heavily layered garments are really only practical if you’re going to be in air conditioning and not physically exerting yourself. If your day routinely includes a couple of miles of walking, layers in summer become a problem because you can’t practically get where you need to go.
 
Xantippe said:
DarkLight,

I know this isn’t practical for you right now, but once you are going on the job market, I would suggest putting yourself in the hands of a personal shopper at some place like Nordstrom’s and spending a few hundred dollars on a professional wardrobe for your job search. I would be very explicit with the personal shopper with regard to what my goals are–attractive and professional, but not SEXY. Two or three good outfits will probably cover your eventual job search.

It will be expensive, but if they can get you looking beautiful and professional, it will be well worth it. A little makeup help before you go on the job market might also be helpful.

Best wishes!
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This is the most practical advice here! Nordstrom’s and several other nice department stores will offer a personal shopping assistant. There is no additional charge for this above your clothing purchase. This is slightly different than the pleasant but not always skilled floor salesperson offering to help. You typically need to make an appointment for this type of help, but it really does make a difference.
 
I took a light-weight swishy tiered skirt for an outing just a few days ago, and it was delightful to discover how cool it feels not to have the legs encased in pants this time of year. I was fortunate enough to find one in navy, so theoretically, it should be possible with almost literally any color top.

Come to think of it, I believe a lot of places are now selling very light weight tunics, so if you paired a reasonable tank top with a medium or dark-colored gauzy tunic, you might have something suitable for summer wear. Right this minute, I’m wearing a black tank top with a very light-weight long-sleeve navy cotton top from Landsend with lots of cut-outs on the sleeves.

While the idea of “modesty wear” is not my cup of tea, I almost wonder if it wouldn’t be worthwhile to see if there are any specialty higher-cut tank tops or camis, as a lot of normal store clothes are just one good tank top away from decency.

I think at least 80% of your problem is the fact that you are riding public transportation. If you were enjoying the peace and privacy of your very own car, this would cease to be an issue. Not that that’s any help at the moment.
 
One more thought, you mentioned there being some attention given to your bust. Perhaps you should go to the lingerie department and have a proper bra fitting. An Improperly fitted bra can either make you “spill over” or “hang low”. You want something that gives good support.
 
DarkLight said:
Honestly after a certain point it seems like more coverage just makes things worse. Super high necklines always seem to make my bust more obvious than necklines that hit just a bit above the decolletage. That and heavily layered garments are really only practical if you’re going to be in air conditioning and not physically exerting yourself. If your day routinely includes a couple of miles of walking, layers in summer become a problem because you can’t practically get where you need to go.
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Perhaps that is how you see it, but not how others see it?? Do you feel the visual of the skin takes the eyes upward a bit?? A pretty necklace that is bold could help train the eye higher.

As a busty woman with a small band size, I find any kind of knit shirt to be more attention grabbing than they are worth. 😊 Try focusing on well made blouses and tops. If it is a tailored fit, go up a size or two and then take them to a tailor to have the rest taken in to fit better. A bit of nip and tuck goes along way to make a once baggy top look appealing. I used to make my own “shells” that were simple tops, with a high neck line and very versatile. I could choose my own fabric and avoid all those yucky knit tops that everyone seems to sell. I picked a pattern size to fit my bust and could adjust the pattern to fit my shoulders and waist.

I’m glad this topic came up! I now have a summer project for my girls and me!! Make more tops!!👍
 
PhiloMed said:
One more thought, you mentioned there being some attention given to your bust. Perhaps you should go to the lingerie department and have a proper bra fitting. An Improperly fitted bra can either make you “spill over” or “hang low”. You want something that gives good support.
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Unfortunately there’s nothing anywhere near my that sells anything near to my size - and I don’t fancy being sold another too-loose band because that’s the closest they had and no one wants to lose a sale.
MomaMary8 said:
Perhaps that is how you see it, but not how others see it?? Do you feel the visual of the skin takes the eyes upward a bit?? A pretty necklace that is bold could help train the eye higher.

As a busty woman with a small band size, I find any kind of knit shirt to be more attention grabbing than they are worth. 😊 Try focusing on well made blouses and tops. If it is a tailored fit, go up a size or two and then take them to a tailor to have the rest taken in to fit better. A bit of nip and tuck goes along way to make a once baggy top look appealing. I used to make my own “shells” that were simple tops, with a high neck line and very versatile. I could choose my own fabric and avoid all those yucky knit tops that everyone seems to sell. I picked a pattern size to fit my bust and could adjust the pattern to fit my shoulders and waist.

I’m glad this topic came up! I now have a summer project for my girls and me!! Make more tops!!👍
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It’s more a pattern and contrast issue, I’ve found Any pattern of any sort stretches out more over the chest and makes them look bigger by comparison with what’s above. Same thing with anything ribbed or knit. The contrast between skin above and the pattern below just doesn’t trigger the same sort of look.

And things like tailors and expensive clothing are out of the question. I can rarely even afford to buy clothing that didn’t come from goodwill - new from walmart is a luxury. Nor do I have either the time or the money to make my own clothing; fabric is expensive and I can’t even afford a sewing machine. That’s part of the problem - modesty seems to be so expensive if you’re an odd size, and I need that money to buy dinner.
 
I didn’t read all the posts, but have you tried going to a department store like Nordstrom or Dillards and asking them to help dress you in modest clothing? Take selfies in the dressing room to get an idea of how to dress and buy only what you love. Hope that helps.

And Dillards certainly has strange bra sizes. I can’t shop at Soma or Victoria’s Secret or even Target. It’s a special size (30) and I was very surprised at the fitting. They have new ways of measuring and sizing. It’s worth looking into. I think they had some as small as 28.
 
CathConvert2013 said:
I didn’t read all the posts, but have you tried going to a department store like Nordstrom or Dillards and asking them to help dress you in modest clothing? Take selfies in the dressing room to get an idea of how to dress and buy only what you love. Hope that helps.

And Dillards certainly has strange bra sizes. I can’t shop at Soma or Victoria’s Secret or even Target. It’s a special size (30) and I was very surprised at the fitting. They have new ways of measuring and sizing. It’s worth looking into. I think they had some as small as 28.
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I just can’t afford places like that. I shop at Goodwill and Salvation Army mostly, with the occasional bit from Walmart or Target. Your average mainstream department store is just out of the budget I can pay for everyday wear.
 
I’d just shelve the issue for the moment, and plan to revisit it when your finances firm up.

Oh–here’s a thought. Maybe a light-weight, strategically positioned summery scarf for the bus and only for the bus?

pinterest.com/shaun71/scarf-tying-101/
 
I get you on the affordability of department stores. Buy one thing. Buy one bra. But give yourself the gift of an hour or so to be fitted and fawned over. I have bought used clothing items from eBay after finding out what size I was in a certain brand. Online shopping (new) can help in terms of bras. My good ones are 3 years old. Most of my everyday wear is from target but their bras just don’t work. Costco also has a good selection of clothing sometimes.
 
DarkLight said:
I just can’t afford places like that. I shop at Goodwill and Salvation Army mostly, with the occasional bit from Walmart or Target. Your average mainstream department store is just out of the budget I can pay for everyday wear.
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You’ll get a better selection of bras on line when you are an odd size. I buy decent bras for my odd size daughters for around $20. If that stretches the budget, buy only two. One to wear and one to wash. There are some bra fitting guides on-line and you should at least look into that if not going to a department store for a proper fit…don’t let them fudge the band and cup size by increasing the band to get you in a smaller cup. That never works!

If the patterns are being stretched out over your chest, your tops are too tight. Buy 1-2 sizes larger. You can find lots of clothes in walmart, etc that are good and modest. I have even bought fabric in the $3/yard clearance bin. Sometimes a few good quality pieces are better than a lot of cheapies. One navy top can go with so many things.

You say you shop at Good Will, then do you also take a look at consignment shops? Find the nicest area in your hometown and look into consignment shops there. You’ll find a lot of quality pieces. Half my wardrobe is from consignment.

A person can dress modestly, have an un-average figure and do it in a budget. It just takes work and planning.
 
MomaMary8 said:
You’ll get a better selection of bras on line when you are an odd size. I buy decent bras for my odd size daughters for around $20. If that stretches the budget, buy only two. One to wear and one to wash. There are some bra fitting guides on-line and you should at least look into that if not going to a department store for a proper fit…don’t let them fudge the band and cup size by increasing the band to get you in a smaller cup. That never works!

If the patterns are being stretched out over your chest, your tops are too tight. Buy 1-2 sizes larger. You can find lots of clothes in walmart, etc that are good and modest. I have even bought fabric in the $3/yard clearance bin. Sometimes a few good quality pieces are better than a lot of cheapies. One navy top can go with so many things.

You say you shop at Good Will, then do you also take a look at consignment shops? Find the nicest area in your hometown and look into consignment shops there. You’ll find a lot of quality pieces. Half my wardrobe is from consignment.

A person can dress modestly, have an un-average figure and do it in a budget. It just takes work and planning.
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At least to my eyes, anything that’s not ready to fall off my shoulders is stretching over my chest. I think what I like about slightly lower tops is that to my perception the color change “breaks up” my chest a little more. Even if it’s a solid color having just a plain expanse there seems to emphasize the curves, unless it’s a men’s t-shirt that has no shape at all.

Honestly what frustrates me is my perception as much as anything. I feel like when I look at other women wearing clothes they don’t look immodest or anything - but the minute I put clothing on my body anything with any shape at all looks horribly immodest and revealing.
 
Can you sew? It sounds like you have the same shape that I have, only shorter 🙂 I have a very full hour glass, narrow waist and shoulders, and very well endowed bust. Tshirts are a must since button shirts just don’t sit well on my frame. But a lot of Tshirts show too much too, or are boxy and uncomfortable. So what I started doing is adjusting the fit.

For a shirt that is a low v or scoop neck: Turn the Tshirt inside out, put it on and pin up the shoulders until it lifts the neckline just enough to not show so much cleavage. Then stitch it across in a line, following the original seam. Sometimes I nip in the sleeve, sometimes not depending on the fit of the sleeve in the first place.

For a shirt that is boxy: turn it inside out and lay a better fitting shirt over it, then pin along the shape and stitch it down. Or put it on and take any spot on the shirt and gradually pin it in until you see it is better fitting. Another thing I’ve done is stitch down a cross over neckline that was gapping.

This has saved me a lot of worry about the proportions of shirts. All the shirts I’ve done this to are ones from target. Ok enough for this stay at home mom without looking completely like a stay at home mom 😉
 
I think a good way to judge would be to ask myself: “What would Jesus look like if he saw me in this outfit?” Would he look at me disappointedly, or would he smile at my judgment? I don’t really do this myself, but it’s just something I thought of that may help.

I have quite the well endowed bust, and am short and curvy, but I also kind of just go with my gut… if I look at myself and notice something doesn’t leave much to the imagination, I try to fix that. Generally if I do wear tight clothing, I make it only my top and have my pants more loose, or if my pants are tight, I wear a loose top. I try to balance it out that way. And I do wear a lot of camisoles/tank tops. I find those are really helpful if a shirt is too low or too short.
 
DarkLight said:
At least to my eyes, anything that’s not ready to fall off my shoulders is stretching over my chest. I think what I like about slightly lower tops is that to my perception the color change “breaks up” my chest a little more. Even if it’s a solid color having just a plain expanse there seems to emphasize the curves, unless it’s a men’s t-shirt that has no shape at all.

Honestly what frustrates me is my perception as much as anything. I feel like when I look at other women wearing clothes they don’t look immodest or anything - but the minute I put clothing on my body anything with any shape at all looks horribly immodest and revealing.
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Sounds like you are having perception issues. What you see and perceive are not what others may be seeing if you are getting a lot of lewd comments. This also makes me wonder if you are getting a lot of lewd comments or are you assuming glances at a pretty girl are lewd? We are often quick to assume a look is more negative towards us if our own perception of ourselves is negative. Could this be the case?

In any case, I think it would be very helpful if you took a trusted friend or slightly older woman shopping with you. Choose someone who’s style you admire and ask her to go shopping with you. When you try on clothes make them be totally honest about how it looks on you and if it attracs negative attention…then you MUST trust what they say! Also, try an experiment and pull out a lot of pictures of clothes from magazines that you like. Let yourself have fun. Then take a look and see if you trend towards a certain type of clothing/style. Are you formal/classic? are you sporty? are you grungy? are you eclectic where anything goes? Then when you shop, try to keep those styles in mind when you shop. Anything outside your “style” you probably won’t wear or feel comfortable.

:console: I wish I could help you look in your closet and do some tailoring for you!!
 
MomaMary8 said:
Sounds like you are having perception issues. What you see and perceive are not what others may be seeing if you are getting a lot of lewd comments. This also makes me wonder if you are getting a lot of lewd comments or are you assuming glances at a pretty girl are lewd? We are often quick to assume a look is more negative towards us if our own perception of ourselves is negative. Could this be the case?

In any case, I think it would be very helpful if you took a trusted friend or slightly older woman shopping with you. Choose someone who’s style you admire and ask her to go shopping with you. When you try on clothes make them be totally honest about how it looks on you and if it attracs negative attention…then you MUST trust what they say! Also, try an experiment and pull out a lot of pictures of clothes from magazines that you like. Let yourself have fun. Then take a look and see if you trend towards a certain type of clothing/style. Are you formal/classic? are you sporty? are you grungy? are you eclectic where anything goes? Then when you shop, try to keep those styles in mind when you shop. Anything outside your “style” you probably won’t wear or feel comfortable.

:console: I wish I could help you look in your closet and do some tailoring for you!!
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Honestly I suspect it’s more that the lewd comments are just a product of my life. It seems like being young, female, and under 200 pounds attracts lewd comments - especially given that I don’t recall them abating when I’m in full winter gear. The “wanna help us have a good time” comment I remember I’d come straight from my job at a catholic school! Of course, it also doesn’t help that so many people seem to have fixed my shape in their minds as “unnatural”, and that therefore I am being immodest by trying to have that shape.

I do wish they would stop though. I hear all the benefits of modesty and wish I could benefit from some of the “respect” it’s supposed to get you. And I do still feel guilty, because I wonder if my walking out and about is causing some man to stumble.
 
DarkLight said:

“I hear all the benefits of modesty and wish I could benefit from some of the “respect” it’s supposed to get you. And I do still feel guilty, because I wonder if my walking out and about is causing some man to stumble.”

The ones you’re hearing from aren’t stumbling–they’re jumping in with both feet.
 
DarkLight said:
…and wish I could benefit from some of the “respect” it’s supposed to get you. And I do still feel guilty, because I wonder if my walking out and about is causing some man to stumble.
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I work in a field of research that is overwhelmingly male dominated, and I can completely relate to your worries about the correlation between how you dress and “respect”. When I give presentations, I worry that I’ll be a distraction and that I won’t be taken seriously! I’m tall and lanky, so anything with a heel makes me a stand-out giant, all skirts are short when you have long legs, and many people at about breast height (quite literally). Given that my career depends on my colleagues seeing my work and myself as respectable, I’ve spent a lot of time worrying about my wardrobe! What helped me tremendously was discussing this with older or more experienced female mentors. Assuming that we’re all dressing conventionally (nothing out of the circus or morally questionable) we collectively came to the conclusion that everyone notices what people are wearing, irrespective of age, weight, sex, size, or profession. People stare at nuns! So, we decided that wandering eyes are something we can’t control. However, we can control our confidence, and confidence speaks volumes where clothes can not. If we act nervous and constantly pull at our clothes, mess with our hair, or try to cover up, we’re more distracting than if we just own our look! We decided that although our clothing may be noticed first (we’re all human, after all), we could control what was noticed afterward by conducting ourselves confidently, intelligently, and professionally. Crude comments don’t even deserve our time of day. Sure, they’re offensive but we can choose to ignore them and not associate with those people. They’re certainly not people that I want to work with or want to become my friends, so why give them the time of day? No reason to be rude or mean to them, just don’t give them your attention (after all, that’s what they’re after right? Attention!). So in conclusion, we decided that we would dress in what makes us feel confident, because at the end of the day that’s how we want people to remember us.
 
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