Women: Work or Home?

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For the last few years I’ve been working towards trying to stay home. My situation is a little unique in that I have an MBA and my husband has only completed high school. He just never figured out what he’d want to study, so he quit spending money on college classes and got a job. He has been the primary care giver to our children so far and I have been working full-time.

He recently went full-time and we went about “cutting this, that and everything” to begin living on his and saving mine so I could stay home. What I found out is that replacing my income when it has been almost 3 times what he currently makes (and is currently double what he makes) is virtually impossible at this time. We can’t afford our house or cars (they are NOT SUV’s or any other type of luxury cars) and I’m still paying on student loans.

So, I realized that all the preparation for this still led our family down a good path. We’ve recognized excesses and we’ve cut back on those. However, we’ve decided that I will continue to work after this third baby is born. It would just be too much for our family to absorb. We won’t have our baby in day care (as neither of the other two ever were), our eldest begins Kindergarten next year and the now 2-year-old will begin preschool when she is 3.

I was told by a good friend of mine a few years ago this: “God calls us all to be mothers and fathers in different ways. The way one person mothers is not necessarily the way ALL mothers should be.”

My children have been cared for in the home by a parent all of the first 3 years of their lives. My DH is one of the most patient and humble men I have ever met and it shows that he has been perfect for being the primary care giver of the children at home during those years. Does that mean I wouldn’t have done a good job? No, not at all. But for our family it is what has worked.

The best thing I’ve learned from my journey through WANTING to be a SAHM and LEARNING that my family’s NEEDS require something different from me is to be flexible, be involved with rearing the children and do your part the best you can. If that means the mom should stay home, so be it. If that means that the mom should work, so be it. God creates families in all shapes and sizes and gives us all different gifts to nurture our families.

BTW - I’m sorry to hear of the negative experiences with day care arrangements. I know they exist, but I have actually heard of wonderful experiences too. Our 4-year-old attends preschool in a daycare 3 days a week. The staff there are very attentive and she loves it. We have dropped in at all sorts of different times, too, and found the staff to be attentive, friendly and caring.
 
One thing to add…my husband, while he works full-time, his schedule is to work evenings/nights and weekends. so there is always a parent with the children. Kids don’t go to “extended” care things and none of the kids have been in daycare or anything…all cared for at home full-time through age 3.

the Preschool is 3 days a week and even though it is AT a daycare, it is with regular preschool curriculum.

Just thought I might clarify. I just saw some of the threads related to this…some pretty vicious words being thrown around.
 
Even before I began investigating the church, I was always of the opinion that should I have children, that I would be a stay-at-home mum.

Now that I am married (1 year last week!! yay!!) and DH and I are figuring out if we want to have children, I’m even more adament about the stay-at-home thing.

~Jess
 
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cargopilot:
I agree. Everyone should have marketable skills. I would add that it is wise for the husband to own plenty of life insurance. When you’re young and healthy, it’s cheap. In good times and bad, I’ve kept the premiums paid on my life insurance policies. Heck, I worth more dead than alive.🙂

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Mine is worth alot dead too! But we also just recently discussed that we need to get the insurance on me also. If he dies, especially at work (firefighter) the kids and I will not have to worry about anything financially. But if I die, due to my lack of time in the work force, social security for the kids is nonexistant, and DH would have to then pay for childcare for 24 hour shifts. It would be tough.

So soon, you know, as soon as we find that “extra” money in the budget, we need to take out some stuff on me.

Either that or pray my mom is still alive and she will come and live in our town and watch the kids. Still, my family will be way worse off if something happens to me rather than my husband.
 
I have self employed from my home for the last 5 years and me and my family are very happy with it. And I make more money then I would working at a “real” job.

I will never work out of the home again. If you are disciplined, creative and motivated - you can do it.
 
Kids need their mommy. We need to focus on what the child needs not on just how we “feel”. I heard this on one of my favorite radio shows…how do you spell mother…S-A-C-R-I-F-I-C-E! Obviously, there are always extenuating circumstances. But, if you really think about it…the natural thing is to carry your baby, give birth and be there to care for your baby. God has given us all roles. I sometimes get sad when I drive by daycares. It is a time to create bonds that show trust and care which highly impact future development. The turnover in those places is so high. That really is detrimental emotionally to a child subconsciously or not!!

I am a stay at home Mommy and very grateful to be. I know that ultimately the greatest “work” I could ever do is loving and taking care of my husband and babies. That is what really matters.

peace
 
I have been a SAHM mom for 11 years now, with a four year break to help run our family business out of our house. I am totally ready to get out of the house and get a job. I am tired of having it thrown in my face that all of the money is “his”. My husband insists I have to wait another two years, otherwise it isn’t fair to our three year old. I don’t know, sometimes I think being a SAHM is overrated.
 
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dulcissima:
I have been a SAHM mom for 11 years now, with a four year break to help run our family business out of our house. I am totally ready to get out of the house and get a job. I am tired of having it thrown in my face that all of the money is “his”. My husband insists I have to wait another two years, otherwise it isn’t fair to our three year old. I don’t know, sometimes I think being a SAHM is overrated.
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Being a SAHM and being happy requires two partners working together and sharing. I have been one for 17 years now, and I pay all the bills with **OUR **money. I earned it too, I just don’t get a paycheck with my name on it.

If you haven’t already, you should tell him how much him calling it his money hurts and is the primary reason you are so anxious to go back to work. I pray your husband changes his attitude.

God Bless,
Marai
 
None of the poll answers are fair. I can’t honestly vote for options (in this case) with the words “always” or “only” in them.
 
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cargopilot:
Quite some time ago, I needed a little sign form God to tell me something wasn’t just right. Actually, God had to hit me with a 2x4, multiple times, to get my attention. I wasn’t being a man by providing for my wife.

One day, the job of picking up my very young child from daycare fell to me. I arrived a little early, so I thought it’d be fun just to peek-in and watch my child in the daycare room. What I saw was a surly ‘care-giver’ reading a magazine, pausing just long enough to say “shut-up” or “stop that” to any offending little kid. My child was just circling a table with a blank stare, just marking time. The scene saddened me, greatly. It all didn’t come clear at that moment, but this was the impetus for what follows.

On arriving home, my dear wife was also ‘beat’ from a hard day at work. She was fixing us a frozen pizza for supper and complaining that the house was a wreck. (She’s a neat-freak, so that bothers her, while I don’t care about that stuff, too much.) As usual, the laundry and dishes were piling up. (OK, this is where you all rip on me for not helping around the house, as I should.)

After putting a cranky child to bed, I’m hoping for a break in a 2 week romantic ‘dry spell’. Once again, she’s too tired, and not in the mood… A fight breaks out, so neither one of us get’s much sleep, anyway.

Repeat the above procedure, in various forms, over and over again.

Then, one early morning, it all became very clear. My poor wife was working at least two full-time jobs. She was simply overworked and not a happy camper. Now, if Momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy. Right then and there, I decided I was going to convince her to quit her job. We could live without it, we could just cut back, waaaay back.

So, for the next few weeks, I carefully gathered information to build my case. I prepared answers for every possible argument she could have. I was doing everything I could to get ready to ‘sell’ her on my idea. Now I’m ready, but how do I start the proposal? I just forgot I was going to smoothly finesse it… You know when you say something, and it wasn’t at all how you wanted to say it, but now it’s too late? That was me. I just ‘told’ her to quit her job.

Boy! Was I surprised when she said “OK, I’ll quit my job and be a stay at home Mom…It’s all I ever wanted.” I didn’t have to ‘sell’ anything. All that preparation and thought on how to convince her was completely unnecessary.

That was the single best thing we’ve ever done. We’re all much, much happier. Sure, the loss of her income was tough, but we just cut back. On the other hand, you would be surprised how much money a SAHM can save. There are many hidden costs associated with the working Mom. She takes care of all the finances, I give her my paycheck and she gives me a twenty every week. I don’t know where she stashes the money, and I don’t care. The kid’s happy, the house sparkles, the food’s better and she is in the ‘mood’ more than ever.http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon10.gif All the cut-backs were such a small price to pay.

I still worry that she gets bored, or might think she wasted a fine college degree, but she is always quick to remind me that she’s not bored. She says, there’s always something to do. Now she guards her position like a hawk. I don’t think she’ll want to return to the workforce, ever again.
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BRAVO!!!
 
My Mom, who was a registered nurse, quit working when I was born and stayed home for 17 years.
I stayed home till my kids were in junior high school and then only worked part time. I never regretted being a SAHM and am so grateful my Mom was also.
 
I think that it should be a RIGHT for one parent to stay home and raise the children, man or woman, depending upon which is more practical as far as finances go. My personal preference is for a woman to stay home, I just think its better for the children.
 
I really couldn’t find a good answer in the poll choices, for the same reasons listed above by other posters, but I find this thread an interesting one.

I am not sure if you would call me a working mom or a stay-at-home mom… I teach private music lessons out of our home, so I can still be with our children all the time. I currently play in an orchestra 1-2 nights/week, but expect to take a sybatical when baby is born in February/March. From the time I was in highschool, I knew that teaching music lessons in the home could be a good middle ground. I even got to experiment with keeping children at the same time, since I am the oldest of a large family and sometimes was asked to babysit and teach lessons at the same time!

“And so, with a violin on her shoulder and a toddler at her hip, she instructed the student in good posture and observed two other toddlers across the room as they drew on the gigantic slate hung on the wall…”
 
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migurl:
I have never done this poll thing before, so if it doesn’t work right, I apologize. Anyways, I was reading another thread and the issue of stay at home mom vs working mom came up. So, I ask, should women stay home to take care of home and children or should they work? Are there times when one or the other must be done or is it merely up to the woman? Does it even matter?
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With all due respect; every mother is a working mother. Some mothers work outside the home also. Some choose to; others because they need the money.

I wish I had the option. For too many families, double income is still not enough, it’s all hands on deck and it’s the children who pay the price. Time magazine published the stipend paid to women in France who choose to stay at home for a few years to care for their children: some nine hundred dollars and change per month. I suppose it’s better than nothing for doing the most important job there is.
 
That’s the way to do it. You have the power to arrange your time as you see fit, plus there are all of those tax benefits of self-employment.😃 Also, the whole family can get involved. Good ol’ Mom and Pop businesses…that’s good business.

Any drawbacks? Feast of famine could be one. The employees and bills get paid and sometimes there’s nothing left to pay the owners. But as always, good planning can overcome this one.
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ridesawhitehors:
I have self employed from my home for the last 5 years and me and my family are very happy with it. And I make more money then I would working at a “real” job.

I will never work out of the home again. If you are disciplined, creative and motivated - you can do it.
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Unlike me, no matter how much life insurance I could get on my wife, she’ll never be worth more dead than alive. It’s just too bad her ‘pre-existings’ prevent me from ever getting more.

You’re darn right, you need insurance. Get it NOW. Personal health and life insurance. Jobs come and go. You never know when you might wake up ‘uninsurable’. You, or any member of your family, could be perfect one day and with just one diagnosis, uninsurable, untouchable and on the road to poverty the next.

For me, lightning struck twice, both my wife and child. Happily, I had obtained both life and HEALTH insurance before the diagnosis. My personal health plans may all have a $5000 deductable, but almost anyone can come up with 5 grand. Now 250 grand or a million bucks? That would be a little toughter on my pay grade. Get it now, while you still can.

So, Mom’s at home? It’s more important than ever to insure her with PERSONALLY OWNED life and health. It is one thing that can give her and the whole family the freedom to choose whether she works inside or outside the home. Who doesn’t know someone who has a dreaded pre-existing health issue and has to stay at some crappy job they hate, just for the insurance?

No, I don’t sell insurance. I just know that if I hadn’t bought that personal health insurance on my wife and I, that I still have today, I’d be broke. Also, I would have never been able to have the freedom to start my own business.

MariaG, start shopping for health and life insurance you both of you. Get the highest health deductables for rates you can live with in good times and bad. If hubby’s got it at work, that’s great. If he can’t be fired and is sure he wants to do that forever, even better. But if his situation could ever change, you might be blessed to have it. I’ve never heard anyone say “I’m sorry I bought health insurance.”

BTW, when my DD was a toddler, I bought a $250,000 life insurance on her for a one time payment of about $8,000, which would have been about $30 per month, if I wanted monthly payments. So, no matter what, she’ll always have that for her family. Well, guess what. That’s the only life insurance she’ll ever get. She was later diagnosed with something that excludes her from life or health insurance, forever. When I’m long gone, maybe she’ll remember dear ol’ Dad got her that.
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MariaG:
Mine is worth alot dead too! But we also just recently discussed that we need to get the insurance on me also. If he dies, especially at work (firefighter) the kids and I will not have to worry about anything financially. But if I die, due to my lack of time in the work force, social security for the kids is nonexistant, and DH would have to then pay for childcare for 24 hour shifts. It would be tough.

So soon, you know, as soon as we find that “extra” money in the budget, we need to take out some stuff on me.

Either that or pray my mom is still alive and she will come and live in our town and watch the kids. Still, my family will be way worse off if something happens to me rather than my husband.
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So to the OP - something to consider for you - I was like you - I always wanted to be a sahm. And that’s so wonderful that your fiance is supportive of your decision (when the time comes, of course!). But if I were you, I would sit down with him and discuss how he would feel if at some point, you would feel the need to return to work.

I wouldn’t feel like it. I have many “hobbies” that if I needed to or felt the desire to bring in money or keep busy if my children were off at school, I could. I have plenty of skills and I am graduating from college in 1.5 yrs. We have been together for almost 3 yrs now and I know that he doesn’t want me giong to work. I also know that if I wanted to work part time at my kids school (a private Catholic school) I could. I could teach math, writing etc (they don’t need to be certified I think, because it is funded by the parish) I could even be his secretary if he and his father start working together on a regular basis. We have a very clear understanding of what each of us wants and needs in regards to work. We communicate very well.
I have been doing mother stuff since I was 9, so this is normal for me, I just can’t wait til I get to make the rules!!!
Someone made comments about her husband saying things about “his money”. Yeah, get right on that, let him know that you do a lot and earn that money too. He needs to know that w/o you being home, you woudn’t be able to do all that you do, so he might not even have most of that money cuz he’d have to pay a babysitter. My fiance has been adamant that I never say “your truck” or “your money” He has told me since he got his new truck that it is “ours”. He is so cool that way.
 
It should be your choice. However, practically speaking, many people don’t have a choice.

Whether you are a sahm or a working parent, you shouldn’t feel that you are any better or any worse than the woman who made a different decision.
 
That has a hint of “relativism” in it. If a woman works simply because she wants to, it is wrong. A child’s and a family’s need come before one person’s desire to be at work. If a woman has to work for finacial reasons or because her job has bette health coverage, fine, but we can’t use the “if it works for you it’s ok” shield because it may appear to work on the surface, but 20 yrs from now when your kids are all grown up and they come to you and say “I really wish we would have spent more time together Mom” HOw would that make you feel knowing that you worked only for self-fulfillment?
 
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