Wondering what you do when you just can't agree

[Schieffelin]

Have you ever found yourself in a situation with your spouse where you simply cannot come to an agreement on how to handle something (in this case a financial decision). Now this is not a case of poor communication or fighting or anything like that. It’s also not really a “moral” question…just a question of different priorities, but about something important.

We’ve both calmly and respectfully discussed the situation again and again and just can’t seem to agree. We’re trying to come up with a compromise but I’m not sure there is one. What do you do in this case? Is this where I’m supposed to submit as his wife?

 

[Em_in_FL]

Is there any middle-of-the-road compromise available? A little of each??
Try one idea for a time period and agree to switch if it isn’t working out?

 

[Rence]

If the two of you can’t agree, then you do nothing right now until you talk again. If the decision would be detrimental to the family’s safety and welfare, no, you do not “submit as his wife”. You ensure the welfare of your family. If he won’t listen to you, ask him to meet with a third party (like a priest, or a financial advisor even).

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Have you ever found yourself in a situation with your spouse where you simply cannot come to an agreement on how to handle something (in this case a financial decision). Now this is not a case of poor communication or fighting or anything like that. It’s also not really a “moral” question…just a question of different priorities, but about something important.

We’ve both calmly and respectfully discussed the situation again and again and just can’t seem to agree. We’re trying to come up with a compromise but I’m not sure there is one. What do you do in this case? Is this where I’m supposed to submit as his wife?

Do you have separate monies that you can each use as you see fit?

 

[Schieffelin]

Is there any middle-of-the-road compromise available? A little of each??
Try one idea for a time period and agree to switch if it isn’t working out?

I really don’t think so. This revolves around a trip he desperately wants to take which I think we should not be spending money on right now. His point is that we are trying to have kids, and this trip will be impossible after we have a kid(s). My point is that we are trying to have a kid and we need to save money

The only “compromise” I could think of was to budget the trip out in detail to the very last penny, and that I would consider it if it was below a certain price. To be honest, I’m very uncomfortable with even that. We have a lot of student loan debt over our heads and I just want to focus on that and only that.

 

[Schieffelin]

Do you have separate monies that you can each use as you see fit?

Sort of, but not nearly enough to address this situation. It would have to be a joint decision.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Keep talking. Don’t shut off the conversation. It sounds as if both of you have taken what you see as the only right one, and are justifying your respective viewpoints to the other one. It’s not easy, but start out on the same side, looking at the problem together.

“You want the trip, because when we do have children, we won’t be able to do it.”

“I think we should postpone the trip because we are trying to get out of debt so we can have more financial peace once we have children.”

“Both of us are right, so how can we solve the problem?”

Does your husband see the future ahead of you, becoming parents, and want to have one more fun experience with you as a couple? Maybe there is a smaller trip you could do, that would cost less, and give him something of the same freedom? Also, it’s not as if your lives are going to stop completely once the babies come. Of course traveling is more complicated but then you also get to experience the world through those innocent eyes, which is its own joy.

As for your part, if you don’t already have a written budget, make one up. If there is a way to pay down on your debt and save for the trip, see if you can find it.

But whatever you do, keep talking, and make it a challenge you are facing together, not in different corners.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I really don’t think so. This revolves around a trip he desperately wants to take which I think we should not be spending money on right now. His point is that we are trying to have kids, and this trip will be impossible after we have a kid(s). My point is that we are trying to have a kid and we need to save money

The only “compromise” I could think of was to budget the trip out in detail to the very last penny, and that I would consider it if it was below a certain price. To be honest, I’m very uncomfortable with even that. We have a lot of student loan debt over our heads and I just want to focus on that and only that.

Is he willing to give up any (of his own) current luxuries that would help accommodate?

 

[Godfollower]

Have you ever found yourself in a situation with your spouse where you simply cannot come to an agreement on how to handle something (in this case a financial decision). Now this is not a case of poor communication or fighting or anything like that. It’s also not really a “moral” question…just a question of different priorities, but about something important.

We’ve both calmly and respectfully discussed the situation again and again and just can’t seem to agree. We’re trying to come up with a compromise but I’m not sure there is one. What do you do in this case? Is this where I’m supposed to submit as his wife?

I really don’t think so. This revolves around a trip he desperately wants to take which I think we should not be spending money on right now. His point is that we are trying to have kids, and this trip will be impossible after we have a kid(s). My point is that we are trying to have a kid and we need to save money

The only “compromise” I could think of was to budget the trip out in detail to the very last penny, and that I would consider it if it was below a certain price. To be honest, I’m very uncomfortable with even that. We have a lot of student loan debt over our heads and I just want to focus on that and only that.

My tendency would be to agree with your husband up to a point, on the ground that putting off experiences until later usually results in them never happening, and for some reason this is apparently “desparately” important to him (though I acknowledge that we’d all be better off if we paid off old debts before incurring new ones). But that’s just a personal preference, one from which I could easily be persuaded.

I do not believe that you have to give in because you’re the wife. That’s an incorrect reading of the Bible. I also do not believe that either of you is entitled to simply fold your arms and keep insisting on your way with the intent of badgering the other into submission.

This is a case where the two of you need to reach a joint decision. It might consist of one of you capitulating to the other this time with the understanding that the next time it’s the other way around; it might consist of reaching some compromise (we can’t do Europe for two weeks in nice hotels, but we can do ten days of hostels); or it might involve some sort of creative both-sides-win negotiating (“Okay, we’ll do the trip if we save up half the cost in the next six months by cutting out other things”).

But, honestly, this kind of standoff isn’t about the trip. It’s about the marriage. This is the kind of dispute where the stereotypical American gives up and starts thinking about getting out – it’s hard, so I give up. So both of you need to bite the bullet and take the difficult step of resolving the situation so you can grow together from having resolved something difficult.

If either of you tries to “win” the argument, s/he is going down the wrong path.

 

[Schieffelin]

Keep talking. Don’t shut off the conversation. It sounds as if both of you have taken what you see as the only right one, and are justifying your respective viewpoints to the other one. It’s not easy, but start out on the same side, looking at the problem together.

“You want the trip, because when we do have children, we won’t be able to do it.”

“I think we should postpone the trip because we are trying to get out of debt so we can have more financial peace once we have children.”

“Both of us are right, so how can we solve the problem?”

Does your husband see the future ahead of you, becoming parents, and want to have one more fun experience with you as a couple? Maybe there is a smaller trip you could do, that would cost less, and give him something of the same freedom? Also, it’s not as if your lives are going to stop completely once the babies come. Of course traveling is more complicated but then you also get to experience the world through those innocent eyes, which is its own joy.

As for your part, if you don’t already have a written budget, make one up. If there is a way to pay down on your debt and save for the trip, see if you can find it.

But whatever you do, keep talking, and make it a challenge you are facing together, not in different corners.

Thanks, RealJuliane. The thing is–I really do see his position. I really do want to take the trip too. Even if I “win” the disagreement I will feel so sad because he hardly ever asks for anything for himself. In fact I am tempted to give in just because I really want to make him happy, but I just can’t convince myself that it’s financially responsible in our current position.

I did ask him the question about getting away to somewhere else. But it’s this particular destination that means something special to him, and he’s afraid they are going to close it down to tourists in a few years.

I certainly take your advice to heart about facing it together as a team though.

 

[Schieffelin]

Is he willing to give up any (of his own) current luxuries that would help accommodate?

We don’t really indulge in any luxuries, other than eating out a little more than we should. There’s nothing we could sacrifice that would help us have enough money within the next few months without dipping into our savings that were meant for another important “goal”

 

[Godfollower]

Thanks, RealJuliane. The thing is–I really do see his position. I really do want to take the trip too. Even if I “win” the disagreement I will feel so sad because he hardly ever asks for anything for himself. In fact I am tempted to give in just because I really want to make him happy, but I just can’t convince myself that it’s financially responsible in our current position.

I did ask him the question about getting away to somewhere else. But it’s this particular destination that means something special to him, and he’s afraid they are going to close it down to tourists in a few years.

I certainly take your advice to heart about facing it together as a team though.

Then my suggestion, if you can’t see the trip as financially responsible, is to make it financially responsible. Turn date night (you do have date night, right?) into a cheaper thing for a while. Buy hamburger instead of steak, drink soda instead of beer (and tap water instead of bottled water), eat more pasta instead of meat, go for walks instead of movies, and so on. Put the savings into a designated “trip” account. Make it obvious to him that you’re trying to meet his wish without just giving up on your (obviously couple-oriented) financial worries.

It might even help after the trip, if you get used to a “fewer luxuries” standard of living.

 

[Godfollower]

We don’t really indulge in any luxuries, other than eating out a little more than we should. There’s nothing we could sacrifice that would help us have enough money within the next few months without dipping into our savings that were meant for another important “goal”

Okay, but you don’t have to actually save up all the cost of the trip. Merely reducing the cost of the trip would ease your worries, even if it wouldn’t totally assuage them, yes? And, if he agrees in turn to keep up the sacrifice afterward to make up the loss, then this could help out in the long term.

 

[Schieffelin]

My tendency would be to agree with your husband up to a point, on the ground that putting off experiences until later usually results in them never happening, and for some reason this is apparently “desparately” important to him (though I acknowledge that we’d all be better off if we paid off old debts before incurring new ones). But that’s just a personal preference, one from which I could easily be persuaded.

I do not believe that you have to give in because you’re the wife. That’s an incorrect reading of the Bible. I also do not believe that either of you is entitled to simply fold your arms and keep insisting on your way with the intent of badgering the other into submission.

This is a case where the two of you need to reach a joint decision. It might consist of one of you capitulating to the other this time with the understanding that the next time it’s the other way around; it might consist of reaching some compromise (we can’t do Europe for two weeks in nice hotels, but we can do ten days of hostels); or it might involve some sort of creative both-sides-win negotiating (“Okay, we’ll do the trip if we save up half the cost in the next six months by cutting out other things”).

But, honestly, this kind of standoff isn’t about the trip. It’s about the marriage. This is the kind of dispute where the stereotypical American gives up and starts thinking about getting out – it’s hard, so I give up. So both of you need to bite the bullet and take the difficult step of resolving the situation so you can grow together from having resolved something difficult.

If either of you tries to “win” the argument, s/he is going down the wrong path.

With all due respect to where you’re coming from on this–it’s really not accurate in this case. I don’t know how you got to the idea that we were “thinking about getting out” because that is the farthest thing from either of our minds right now. He wants to go on the trip because it would be an important bonding experience for us. I’m resistant to the trip because I’m worried about our financial stability as parents and as a couple.

We are trying to resolve the issue as a couple and a team. It’s not a standoff. That’s the whole reason I came here to ask for advice. Because I love and respect my husband and I want to make sure I’m handling it the right way.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks, RealJuliane. The thing is–I really do see his position. I really do want to take the trip too. Even if I “win” the disagreement I will feel so sad because he hardly ever asks for anything for himself. In fact I am tempted to give in just because I really want to make him happy, but I just can’t convince myself that it’s financially responsible in our current position.

I did ask him the question about getting away to somewhere else. But it’s this particular destination that means something special to him, and he’s afraid they are going to close it down to tourists in a few years.

I certainly take your advice to heart about facing it together as a team though.

Can you ask family members to “sponsor” your trip - contribute what they would gift you at Christmas and your birthdays for a couple of years? I would be happy to do that for one of my sons, especially because the memories you create on that trip will last a lot longer than any other gift.

Is there any way you can work another job, either or both of you? Work on the weekends? Put that money toward the trip? What about starting a Facebook page for the trip, asking friends and family to sponsor you? You’d have to make sure you do something to thank them but a lot of people do this now days. Just thinking aloud.

What about selling stuff? Anything that means less to you than the trip?

Don’t go into further debt… but go. Eat rice and beans if you have to. But go. He might be right and then what would you do? He’d have that wistful regret for the rest of his life.

 

[hazmat]

is he the breadwinner?

 

[Schieffelin]

Okay, but you don’t have to actually save up all the cost of the trip. Merely reducing the cost of the trip would ease your worries, even if it wouldn’t totally assuage them, yes? And, if he agrees in turn to keep up the sacrifice afterward to make up the loss, then this could help out in the long term.

Yes, this is basically the point we’ve reached in negotiations right now It’s just that we already live on a very tight budget just to meet our basic needs and put a little into savings and keep up with our debt payments. Even if we get the cheapest of the cheap deals it’s going to put us behind. It’s an international trip and there’s only so much you can do to cut costs.

I hear your main point though. Maybe that is the only real compromise that can be made–I agree to the trip but only if we come up with the cheapest version possible.

 

[Schieffelin]

Can you ask family members to “sponsor” your trip - contribute what they would gift you at Christmas and your birthdays for a couple of years? I would be happy to do that for one of my sons, especially because the memories you create on that trip will last a lot longer than any other gift.

Is there any way you can work another job, either or both of you? Work on the weekends? Put that money toward the trip? What about starting a Facebook page for the trip, asking friends and family to sponsor you? You’d have to make sure you do something to thank them but a lot of people do this now days. Just thinking aloud.

What about selling stuff? Anything that means less to you than the trip?

Don’t go into further debt… but go. Eat rice and beans if you have to. But go. He might be right and then what would you do? He’d have that wistful regret for the rest of his life.

I LOVE these ideas! His 30th birthday is coming up and I did think about secretly raising the funds from his friends and family to sponsor the trip. Time to investigate further…

 

[Schieffelin]

is he the breadwinner?

We both work, why?

 

[hazmat]

who is the primary source of income for your household?

i think why is obvious.