Would it be better for me to get sterilized, or my husband?

[JackieMom]

To everyone telling me to “just use NFP” - we have been using NFP for ten years. It has failed us four times. I have tried multiple methods, fertility monitors, diet, medications, etc. Nothing has worked. I have a health condition (PCOS) that makes it almost impossible. Fertility monitors don’t work with PCOS.

This time I conceived when it was almost impossible to conceive, after coming off Prometrium to induce a period. Plus, I had absolutely no fertility signs at all. It was completely dry every day.

My husband said I am irresponsible for continuing to insist on NFP for so many years after three (now four) failures. One reason is I have to work part-time to support the family, and my MIL watches the kids on the days we both work. Having another child would create more work for her, if she watches this child. Or we could put it in part-time daycare, which would be expensive. I can’t afford to stay home.

NFP has been an absolute nightmare for us. With the other pregnancies, I could see how they might be user error or that maybe we weren’t careful enough. But this time, there was absolutely no fertility signs at all. It really, truly does not work for me.

The only other options we have are abstaining until menopause, which would destroy or marriage (I have 20 years until menopause), or continuing to have baby after baby after baby, which we can’t afford or handle.

I tried to follow church teaching. I tried for ten long years. I can’t do it anymore.

First, two things-

1. NFP is no good for me, too. I got pregnant this time on cycle day 7, which was 8 full days before ovulation. I am clockwork regular, and VERY on top of charting, symptom tracking and ovulation testing. I have no idea how this happened. Well, I do, but we were extremely cautious and here we are. And we are thrilled to have this baby, of course, but it’s very scary to think the only approved way to delay or avoid pregnancy simply does not work for you. I know how that feels - terrifying and like you have no control (I do have serious medical reasons to avoid.). Sometimes I read the attitude on CAF that NFP should always work if it’s done “correctly” or that you must have blown it if you got pregnant while trying to avoid. Well, I’m here to say that it happened to me and I hear you. It’s very frustrating and scary.
2. Many here will suggest that total abstinence is not that big of a deal, no more than a “bummer” and that if you have to abstain for another ten years it won’t be the end of the world. I disagree with this, and I reject that a healthy sex life is not a critical (not just (name removed by moderator)ortant - but critical) part of marriage for many people. I know that during periods of abstinence for us, we became more distant, less loving, more impatient, more critical, less gracious. My husband started to feel like less of a man and very frustrated. Neither of us are sex fiends and are happy with sex once or twice a week. But to excise a critical part of your married life is quite damaging in my opinion. We are not meant to simply room with our spouses. So, don’t let anyone tell you that giving up sex entirely is not a massive blow to the marital union. In my opinion, when the sex life dies, the marriage often goes with it.

Having said all that, sterilization is not an option for Catholics. It does seem like an easy way to solve our problems, but the Church forbids it. I have really struggled with this, but ultimately surrendered to Her laws. We are not sure what we will do after this baby comes. Probably we will limit ourselves to sex from 7 days after ovulation until menses start. That will be our one week to be intimate. It’s not good, and it’s going to hurt - but it is what we must do. My husband has considered a vasectomy for MY sake, but I have asked him not to get one. It’s. hard position to be in, ad even harder when people minimize the fear associated with it. I will pray for you and your family. Best wishes on your pregnancy!

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

None of us here will tell you or your husband to get sterilized without incurring grave sin ourselves. Neither of you do it, for the sake of both your souls. Congratulations on the new baby.

Congratulations on baby!

 

[Soren_Itenu]

I totally respect what you’re saying, JackieMom, but I just don’t understand it. My wife and I have six children. We’re open to life. But there have been times when my wife and I couldn’t have sex because of certain medical conditions during pregnancy. Our marriage didn’t suffer because of it. Our unity didn’t suffer. Love rises above sex. Love overcomes even abstinence. Cannot a couple’s love endure, flourish, and thrive even if there is no sex? Maybe my wife and I are just weird. We do love sex and engage in it on a daily basis, but despite our love of sex with each other, in those stretches of several months where we weren’t able to do it, we got through it just fine and dandy. Because we love each other. Because the person is more important than the sex.

 

[TCostello]

They are not going to be able to help me. I conceived when it was almost impossible. The nurse at my NFP-only doctor said she had never seen someone ovulate while coming off of prometrium. Like I said, I had absolutely NO signs of fertility.

NFP DOES NOT WORK for me. I have already tried everything.

As hard as it all seems, that nothing is working and there is no hope except sterilization, trust in Our Lord as He will provide for you and your family. He will never give you any trials that you cannot endure. Avoid evil and do good! Sterilization is an intrinsic evil and you must not use that as an option or artificial birth control. I understand how scary it can be to trust God when you yourself and your husband do not think you can handle or afford any more children, but God always knows what is best for you even when you think you know better.

For example, my husband and I thought that we should not have any more children once we had our 4th child because of the serious pregnancy complications that I must endure each time. I almost died from a post-surgical infection after the 4th. All of our family and friends tried to convince us to contracept and even sterilization. We’ve become estranged from family members over it and lost friendships by standing with Jesus and the Magisterium of the Church. We too thought it wasn’t “real life” to abstain and felt full of fear for various reasons, some you have mentioned above. After many prayers and many graces given by God, we have come to realize that no matter what, he will provide if he chooses to bless us with more children. We are currently expecting our 6th child and will happily receive as many as he wishes to bless us with. We’ve let go of worrying about how we will provide for them because it always comes together just fine and we’ve stopped worrying about whether or not the next pregnancy will end my life or the the baby’s life because what every happens is God’s Will and His Glory.

Please pray to the Blessed Mother for the strength to carry this cross and for St. Joseph to intercede for your husband so he may carry this cross as well and not be overcome by the temptations Satan is flooding you both with now. This is a test for you and your husband and I pray that you don’t turn your back on Jesus, only to serve the devil.

+St. Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the Devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray,
and do thou, O prince of the heavenly hosts,
by the power of God,
thrust into hell Satan
and all the evil spirits,
who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen. +

 

[Jeremiah_29_11]

I just found out that I’m pregnant with my fourth surprise pregnancy. I conceived after I stopped taking Prometrium to induce a period (since I have long cycles) but before I actually got my period, which from everything I’ve read is almost impossible. The nurse I talked to at my Dr.’s office today said she’s never seen that before. I had no fertility signs whatsoever.

I have finally reached the breaking point, and I think either me or my husband is going to get sterilized.

My husband was a serious Catholic when I married him, but over the years has pretty much lost his faith. I am still Catholic. I know if my husband got sterilized, he would have no regrets whatsoever and would not go to confession. If I got sterilized, then at least I could go to confession afterward. I would be honest with the priest that it is “imperfect contrition,” and I would explain to him the situation and how I was backed into a corner.

Would it be better for me to just go ahead and do it than for him to do it?

It would be better for neither of you to get sterilized. This is a grave sin for any Catholic and you would be doing it with the presumption of absolution, which would PREVENT absolution!

 

[sdeco]

It would be better for neither of you to get sterilized. This is a grave sin for any Catholic and you would be doing it with the presumption of absolution, which would PREVENT absolution!

Then maybe I just shouldn’t be Catholic anymore. I just can’t do this. NFP has made my life a living hell. It’s like torture.

If I had known how ineffective NFP would be, I never would have gotten married at all. I would absolutely have been willing to live a life of celibacy if that was what it took to avoid this situation. So no one can accuse me of just wanting to have sex whenever I want.

But I am married, and we have children, and it’s very important for our children’s sake to keep the marriage together.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

So, are you going to leave the Catholic Church now?

 

[sdeco]

I don’t know. I don’t want to.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

Life is hard, isn’t it? (I’m not being sarcastic here.) In my experience, there’s only one thing that can overcome the hardships of life – love. No. Love. Love Himself. Look to Him, sdeco. With Love, all things are possible. Pray and ask for guidance.

 

[porthos11]

I don’t know. I don’t want to.

This is the time to trust in God. This is an idea even many Catholics scoff at these days, but if you’re at the end of your rope, trust in God. But no matter what, do not choose any lesser good over the Sovereign Good. Choose God first, follow his moral law and he will take care of your marriage.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

I agree with porthos. One thing I’ve learned over the past year (big year for me) is to seek First Things first, and then all the Second Things which are good you want will be given to you. Seek first God, and all other good things will be given to you. I’m praying for you right now. Let’s pray to Jesus, Mary, and Joseph for your marriage and your decision.

Jesus, Lord of life and love…

Hail, Mary, full of grace…

St. Joseph, defender and protector of marriage…

 

[jilly4ski]

Then maybe I just shouldn’t be Catholic anymore. I just can’t do this. NFP has made my life a living hell. It’s like torture.

If I had known how ineffective NFP would be, I never would have gotten married at all. I would absolutely have been willing to live a life of celibacy if that was what it took to avoid this situation. So no one can accuse me of just wanting to have sex whenever I want.

But I am married, and we have children, and it’s very important for our children’s sake to keep the marriage together.

The last poster miswrote. Sterilization is a sin for everyone, we Catholics just have it explicitly written out for us. It is the law written on our hearts, it goes against God’s creation, namely you. It mutilates the body, god has given you which is made in his image and likeness. It goes against the love God wants to you to have in your marriage, which is suppose to mirror the love of the trinity.

Really? Having 3 children, and one on the way, has been “living hell?” I don’t think that came out the way you wanted it too. What method of NFP were you using? Because I don’t know any method which allows for sex when you don’t know what part of your cycle you are in. (I just got off a 100+ day cycle myself (lots of abstinence), not from PCOS but from being postpartum).

Your husband needs to get on board, that sex is inherently connected with babies. And needs to be willing to abstain for your health, either physical or emotional (did you see the poster who posted about having baby after sterilization?), no method is ‘safe’ and the church in her wisdom knows that and is trying to communicate that fact

(And Jackiemom day 7 (in fact day 6) is considered phase 2 in STM, especially if you are ovulating on or around day 14. )

 

[ALLGIRLS]

I realize this is technically the case, but couple using NFP generally have more accidental pregnancies than those who use artificial methods.

Not true. I belong to a large families group on FB and Babycenter, and every woman on there who uses ABC has had at least one “accidental pregnancy”, if not more, some while using more than one method of abc, and some after being sterilized! (nothing but abstinence is 100% effective, even sterilizations “fail”).

In Christ,
Ellen

 

[Z1Z2]

1. Many here will suggest that total abstinence is not that big of a deal, no more than a “bummer” and that if you have to abstain for another ten years it won’t be the end of the world. I disagree with this, and I reject that a healthy sex life is not a critical (not just (name removed by moderator)ortant - but critical) part of marriage for many people. I know that during periods of abstinence for us, we became more distant, less loving, more impatient, more critical, less gracious. My husband started to feel like less of a man and very frustrated. Neither of us are sex fiends and are happy with sex once or twice a week. But to excise a critical part of your married life is quite damaging in my opinion. We are not meant to simply room with our spouses. So, don’t let anyone tell you that giving up sex entirely is not a massive blow to the marital union. In my opinion, when the sex life dies, the marriage often goes with it.

I agree. While abstaining during critical periods, it actually hasn’t hurt our marriage. From the month before our daughter was born at 29.5 weeks gestation until probably 3 months after her birth, my husband and I abstained. We made it fine. The last couple of months with my second pregnancy to several months after DS’s birth we abstained with no issues. However, if several weeks happen to go by without, when all we are dealing with is normal life, then yes, the marriage suffers. We do fight more and criticize more. For us, unless there is something critical, frequency does matter.

 

[JackieMom]

I totally respect what you’re saying, JackieMom, but I just don’t understand it. My wife and I have six children. We’re open to life. But there have been times when my wife and I couldn’t have sex because of certain medical conditions during pregnancy. Our marriage didn’t suffer because of it. Our unity didn’t suffer. Love rises above sex. Love overcomes even abstinence. Cannot a couple’s love endure, flourish, and thrive even if there is no sex? Maybe my wife and I are just weird. We do love sex and engage in it on a daily basis, but despite our love of sex with each other, in those stretches of several months where we weren’t able to do it, we got through it just fine and dandy. Because we love each other. Because the person is more important than the sex.

I think a stretch of a few months is doable. We’ve had to do that several times and while it was sad and tough, at least there was a light at the end of the tunnel. But, if the OP is in her 30s, she’s facing 10-20 years of abstinence. That’s pretty devastating. I don’t know if there would be much of a sex life to resume after that long without.

My husband and I love each other very much too. But from your other posts, you seem like a very overtly affectionate man. Some men are not that way. Many men find that the primary way they connect spiritually and emotionally with their wives is through the marital act. I know my husband is that way, and our marriage is at its best when our sex life is happy!

 

[Soren_Itenu]

JackieMom:

But from your other posts, you seem like a very overtly affectionate man. Some men are not that way. Many men find that the primary way they connect spiritually and emotionally with their wives is through the marital act.

First off, thanks! I’m glad you noticed.

Second, I, too, actually find that the primary way to connect with my wife spiritually and emotionally is through the marital act. Absolutely. For us, it’s very important. The most important thing. We literally do it every day. Sometimes more than once. Literally. This is no exaggeration. But it’s not the sex, per se, that keeps us in the marital act. It’s the love. The love we share. Love is greater than sex, so that even if our primary way of connecting (sex) were not available to us, our love would no suffer. It would not diminish a jot.

That’s what I’m talking about: Love. Couples need love; sex is an expression of that love, not the love itself.

Does this make sense? I just want the OP to understand this.

 

[JackieMom]

The last poster miswrote. Sterilization is a sin for everyone, we Catholics just have it explicitly written out for us. It is the law written on our hearts, it goes against God’s creation, namely you. It mutilates the body, god has given you which is made in his image and likeness. It goes against the love God wants to you to have in your marriage, which is suppose to mirror the love of the trinity.

Really? Having 3 children, and one on the way, has been “living hell?” I don’t think that came out the way you wanted it too. What method of NFP were you using? Because I don’t know any method which allows for sex when you don’t know what part of your cycle you are in. (I just got off a 100+ day cycle myself (lots of abstinence), not from PCOS but from being postpartum).

Your husband needs to get on board, that sex is inherently connected with babies. And needs to be willing to abstain for your health, either physical or emotional (did you see the poster who posted about having baby after sterilization?), no method is ‘safe’ and the church in her wisdom knows that and is trying to communicate that fact

(And Jackiemom day 7 (in fact day 6) is considered phase 2 in STM, especially if you are ovulating on or around day 14. )

I ovulated on day 15, 8 days after intercourse. Sperm supposedly only live a max of 5 days and most no longer than 48 hours. It’s phase 2 before ovulation because of the chance of irregularity and the possibility of ovulating early. I did in fact concieve when it was supposedly “impossible.”

 

[Jeremiah_29_11]

The last poster miswrote. Sterilization is a sin for everyone, we Catholics just have it explicitly written out for us. It is the law written on our hearts, it goes against God’s creation, namely you. It mutilates the body, god has given you which is made in his image and likeness. It goes against the love God wants to you to have in your marriage, which is suppose to mirror the love of the trinity.

Really? Having 3 children, and one on the way, has been “living hell?” I don’t think that came out the way you wanted it too. What method of NFP were you using? Because I don’t know any method which allows for sex when you don’t know what part of your cycle you are in. (I just got off a 100+ day cycle myself (lots of abstinence), not from PCOS but from being postpartum).

Your husband needs to get on board, that sex is inherently connected with babies. And needs to be willing to abstain for your health, either physical or emotional (did you see the poster who posted about having baby after sterilization?), no method is ‘safe’ and the church in her wisdom knows that and is trying to communicate that fact

(And Jackiemom day 7 (in fact day 6) is considered phase 2 in STM, especially if you are ovulating on or around day 14. )

Thank you for that clarification! I didn’t meant that it wasn’t sinful for everyone, just that, as you say, we Catholics UNDERSTAND how sinful it is!

 

[Chantal25]

You cannot hide anything from God, he knows our heart, intention and plan.

I am not a priest but i would think that it makes you both committing this sin because it is a decision that you are making together. If your husband would get that done without your consent, then you wouldn’t be responsible for his decision but you both know right and wrong.

Either abstinence or natural birth planning.

My best advice would be to talk with your priest.

Congratulation with your child. My friend had also an unpredictable pregnancy and it turned out that her little girl to be so amazing and precious. She would have been a precious little soul they wouldn’t have known if she wouldn’t have been conceived. It is a lot of work no question but the older children will need to start helping.

Celine Dion was the youngest of her family (14 children) and she turned out to be quite a women with a big heart and beautiful voice.

Have faith, i pray for you!

 

[jilly4ski]

I ovulated on day 15, 8 days after intercourse. Sperm supposedly only live a max of 5 days and most no longer than 48 hours. It’s phase 2 before ovulation because of the chance of irregularity and the possibility of ovulating early. I did in fact concieve when it was supposedly “impossible.”

Sex on day 7 still breaks the STM rules. (I don’t know which method you practice). I know another woman who has conceived from sex on day 6 and day 7. So maybe this 5 day sperm thing needs to be reexamined, or maybe ovulation happened earlier (it doesn’t always happen on peak day).