Would it be wrong to have a 'shotgun' wedding?

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tapiocapudding

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My fiance and I did wrong, and had sex outside of marriage. I’m sure God was watching us, laughing that we thought our artificial contraception could thwart him and despite our bad behaviour bestowed upon us a great and wonderful blessing; a new life.
Our wedding day was originally scheduled for May 31 this year. Unfortunately, that’s 2 weeks before I’m due to give birth. So we thought we best move the wedding up a little. We also decided to take the $5000 we’d put away for our wedding and put it towards the baby instead, so we would be having a small elopement style wedding instead.
When all of this happened, I was living at home. When my mother found out that I was pregnant, she was upset at first but very quickly came around and was happy for us. My father did not react as well. He demanded I either have an abortion or leave home. I could never have an abortion, so I knew I had to leave. While I do have friends, almost all of them have roomates or live at home and have no room for a pregnant friend. My fiance has an appartment. It was all we could think of. We recognize that living together without continuing to sin would be challenging. So we are thinking maybe we should just go ahead and get married. After all, we were planning on it anyhow, just not quite so soon.
I do feel uncomfortable, however that this would somewhat motivated by the desire to have sex as well as the desire to get married and raise our child in a stable family environment.
What do you think? Please keep in mind that neither of us are Catholic, although I am exploring the faith.
 
I think that you need to realize that marriage is a lifelong commitment, and not something to rush into. It would definitely be best for your baby if you and your fiance were to remain together and eventually get married. It is so important though to go into a marriage knowing what your obligations are and knowing what your vows really mean. I know this because I am divorced and going through the annulment process now.

I was in an abusive marriage, and one thing that raises a red flag to me is the reaction of your father to your pregnancy. I’m worried that your view of how a husband and father should be is somewhat distorted by growing up with such a father. I think you need time, space, and good counseling to know if you are ready for marriage and if the man that you are engaged to has what it takes to be a loving husband and father.

I’m praying for you, your fiance, and your baby. I am glad that you are working hard on getting your life back on track and right with God.
 
I would definitely go ahead and get married! You can get your marriage convalidated later in the Church.
 
**IF you were both already committed to marrying each other and have a good understanding of what marriage is really about, I think it would be good to get married ASAP. Taking the money you would have spent on a wedding and putting it towards the baby is very mature and wise in my opinion.

Congrats on your little blessing and I pray that your journey of faith leads you to right where God wants you to be!

Malia
**
 
Thank you dulcissima for your concern 🙂 my father was certainly a very difficult man to grow up with. Many of his issues stem from growing up himself in a very difficult family environment (his father was an alcoholic schitzophrenic and his mother remarried 4 times, several of them were abusive). My fiance is just the opposite of my father. He is entirely laid back. I love him for it because I have a tendency to stress out, whereas he’s always cool and calm. He treats me like a princess and I thank God every day that He led me to a man who loves me so!
 
since no one has yet suggested it, the obvious first step is to see your priest together to move up wedding plans, and individually for pastoral counselling, confession, and discussion of any other issues.
 
puzzleannie said:
since no one has yet suggested it, the obvious first step is to see your priest together to move up wedding plans, and individually for pastoral counselling, confession, and discussion of any other issues.
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**
She mentioned in her post that neither her or her fiance are Catholic (although she is exploring).**
 
tapiocapudding said:
Thank you dulcissima for your concern 🙂 my father was certainly a very difficult man to grow up with. Many of his issues stem from growing up himself in a very difficult family environment (his father was an alcoholic schitzophrenic and his mother remarried 4 times, several of them were abusive). My fiance is just the opposite of my father. He is entirely laid back. I love him for it because I have a tendency to stress out, whereas he’s always cool and calm. He treats me like a princess and I thank God every day that He led me to a man who loves me so!
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I am very relieved to hear that. A laid back kind of guy who treats you well sounds very nice. Still, I think that marriage preparation as done by the Catholic Church, while not perfect, is so much better than what you would find anywhere else. I had no premarital counseling whatsoever before I got married, and I really think it is important because it brings up issues that you really need to think about and talk over before you marry. You still might want to talk to a priest both about the possibility of becoming a Catholic as well as receiving marriage preparation.
 
Hello!

When you say,
“I do feel uncomfortable, however that this would somewhat motivated by the desire to have sex as well as the desire to get married and raise our child in a stable family environment.”, the first thing that comes to my mind is that these are two very normal, healthy desires!

Look at it this way: Yes, you stepped outside of what God’s plan/design for marriage is and had premarital sex. You have to move on from there and discern what His plan is for your lives and what would please Him the most. You’ve made a wise and responsible decision together use your wedding funds for your new baby. That’s a beautiful testament to sacrificial love :yup: That is pleasing to God.

Living together and expecting yourselves to remain pure is inviting the temptation for sin into your lives, though. God wants you to enjoy the freedom of living inside of His will for your lives.

I think that if these were already your plans together, to marry and to have a family, I would definitely move up the wedding. I would also make sure to celebrate your union with a honeymoon- cherish your time together as newlyweds. You will soon move on to being new parents, immersed in waves of love for your precious new gift! God Bless You and your new family!
 
RWMorris said:
I would definitely go ahead and get married! You can get your marriage convalidated later in the Church.
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They wouldn’t need to get it convalidated. Assuming there are no impediments, like prior marriages for example, their marriage would be considered valid. Neither of them is Catholic, and only Catholics are bound by the Catholic form of marriage.
 
kittery said:
Hello!

When you say,
“I do feel uncomfortable, however that this would somewhat motivated by the desire to have sex as well as the desire to get married and raise our child in a stable family environment.”, the first thing that comes to my mind is that these are two very normal, healthy desires!

Look at it this way: Yes, you stepped outside of what God’s plan/design for marriage is and had premarital sex. You have to move on from there and discern what His plan is for your lives and what would please Him the most. You’ve made a wise and responsible decision together use your wedding funds for your new baby. That’s a beautiful testament to sacrificial love :yup: That is pleasing to God.

Living together and expecting yourselves to remain pure is inviting the temptation for sin into your lives, though. God wants you to enjoy the freedom of living inside of His will for your lives.

I think that if these were already your plans together, to marry and to have a family, I would definitely move up the wedding. I would also make sure to celebrate your union with a honeymoon- cherish your time together as newlyweds. You will soon move on to being new parents, immersed in waves of love for your precious new gift! God Bless You and your new family!
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Ditto to all that kittery said!

I second the “just do it” opinion (get married, that is 👍 ).

If you had a firm wedding date planned for May, then it seems you have already discerned that you are a suitable match for each other. Unless you have serious doubts about your guy as a husband and father, why not just bump up the wedding date? I’d totally use the money you were planning to spend on a wedding as a nest egg for your new little family.
 
tapiocapudding said:
I do feel uncomfortable, however that this would somewhat motivated by the desire to have sex as well as the desire to get married and raise our child in a stable family environment.
What do you think? Please keep in mind that neither of us are Catholic, although I am exploring the faith.
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I am sorry your father reacted in such a manner. I am very glad that you were not swayed by his demands and recognize the responsibility you have to this new life.

This is not a “shotgun wedding” since you are both willing participants-- a shotgun wedding typically has a pregnant bride and an unwilling groom.

You made a mistake, you are both ready to remedy it, and you love each other and your child.

Get married, start your life together, and be at peace.
 
I found myself in your situation almost 15yrs ago. Dh and I moved up the wedding date by about 6months. It was the best desicion I ever made. I say go for it! Yes we made a mistake, but you have to move on past that and go on trying to do better! We did get married in the church. If you and your partner are commited and ready for marriage I don’t see why a few months one way or the other is a big deal.
 
I just wonder though…how much have you and your fiance discussed things like will you be using birth control in the future once you are married. Do you want more children after this one? I know that your fiance isn’t a Catholic. Is he a Christian? Is he open to your interest in becoming a Catholic and how would he want to raise the children as far as their religious education? Does he want to take on the role of being the spiritual leader of the family. What are his thoughts on the permanence of marriage? Does he think if things don’t work out you could always get a divorce? Does he agree with what the Catholic Church teaches about pornography and masturbation? A lot of men think those things are okay to continue into a marriage but they can create a lot of problems in a marriage.

Even though you are pregnant and in a stressful situation being virtually homeless, I still think you and your fiance owe it to each other to go into marriage well prepared. These are all important things to know before marrying someone, and when you don’t get married in the Catholic Church chances are good that a lot of these issues wouldn’t even be brought up prior to getting married. I believe you can go through marriage preparation at a Catholic church even if you are not Catholic and plan on marrying outside of the church. A friend of mine who taught pre-cana said that they had a Lutheran couple in their class whose Lutheran pastor had recommended it to them.
 
Bless you for making the correct choice in welcoming this new life into the world. I realize you are in a difficult position but you certainly seem to have a very good grasp on things.

Perhaps your father’s demand stems from some sort of embarrassment? Just a wild guess. How was he before the pregnancy announcemt? Was he for the wedding?

Along with the wedding plans, I would recommend some attempt at reconciliation with you dad. Starting a marriage with family difficulties unsettled could be a path that leads to strife. Could your mom intersect on your behalf with your father?

God bless.
 
You have learned some real good lessons about life here:
  1. Your dad’s advice… not so good. I hope Grandpa isn’t shocked when he’s not invited to the baptism. He may come around, though and become your baby’s biggest fan. Allow him that face-saving option in the future. It will help you even more than him.
  2. People who use artificial contraception live in an illusory world where they think they control anything. So they get all of the sin and negative marriage effects of using ABC, but none of the real protection from pregnancy. Now that you are clear on that, learn NFP. It will make your marriage stronger. You can always learn the class even if you can’t chart till after the baby.
  3. You learned that deep down you are adults with your priorities intact. Instead of aborting so you could have your blow-out fantasy wedding down the road baby-free, you are accepting life, downgrading the Cinderella wedding and focusing on each other and the baby. Many couples don’t start out with those kind of straight priorities. You are ahead of the pack on this one. You are willing to admit your mistake and deal with the consequences in a mature fashion. 👍
  4. You were already committed. You have seen your fiance’s reaction to an unexpected pregnancy. He did not get all cold feet on you. He is a keeper. Don’t let go. Marry him. Sooner rather than later.
  5. What Dulcissima said. DO get counselling anyway. It will help you to adjust to things. It will make your future stronger.
  6. Come into the Church. We want your kind. 🙂 Welcome.
  7. Be happy. Enjoy the gift of life and each other.
 
First, congratulations on the new little one!

If I’m reading your post correctly, neither you or your fiancee are Catholic and were planning to marry even before the surprise pregancy. Even if you were Catholic and had already met with the priest and he agreed to marry you before the pregnancy, there shouldn’t be any problem with moving the wedding date up a few months. Our Catholic neighbors did that very thing when they had an unplanned pregnancy due just a few weeks after the original wedding date. They chose a date when the priest and church were available, scaled down plans, and still had a lovely wedding. Now they have two beautiful kids and a nice home together.

My vote is to go ahead with your plans for a sooner, smaller wedding. Since neither of you are Catholic, even if you convert later, your marriage would still be considered valid in the Church’s eyes.
 
I have a friend in the same situation! She is due on May 15th and she wasn’t get engaged but now they are getting married on December 30th. She was secretly pregnant when I told her I was pregnant first. A few weeks later, she told me she was further ahead than me! I am very excited for her. Just like a lot of people are very excited for you! Congratulations!

I think it is fine for you to get married as long as both of you want to. What is your hesitation? Anything at all?

May I ask how old you are? It sounds like maybe you are in your very early 20’s… I just find making decisions about marriage around age 20, 21, 22 is difficult… but not impossible. It just needs a bit more care ( in my opinion ).

I agree that you should have a small wedding. I read somewhere that for couples who are living together before marriage ( and maybe for couples who are pregnant or have kids already ) should have small weddings and not a large one because of possible scandal.

Congrats! Join the “pregnant mommies” thread if you are up to it.
 
puzzleannie said:
since no one has yet suggested it, the obvious first step is to see your priest together to move up wedding plans, and individually for pastoral counselling, confession, and discussion of any other issues.
Click to expand...
I would still follow this suggestion even if none of them is a catholic yet. If there is a true interest in considering catholicism this is the right time to talk to a priest and be ready to listen. A priest’s suggestion is usually good not only for catholics but for every human being.
 
tapiocapudding, are you in RCIA right now? You should also discuss there and with a priest ( as others so cleverly suggested ) about this situation.
 
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