Would you be upset if your adult child got engaged without talking to you first?

[EasterJoy]

If you love & respect your parents …you will want to share your intentions to marry & who will be their daughter - in - law.

You don’t need Catholic teaching for this, it’s a matter of common courtesy.

That is not a universal expectation. I don’t expect it. My parents didn’t expect it. In our family, engagement news was like pregnancy news. Your parents expect to be told first once the decision was a fait accompli–they shouldn’t hear from anyone else or after anyone else–but they do not presume that they have to get their two bits worth in on the decision-making. No one but the couple themselves have that right. Being consulted is a privilege, and it is presumptuous to feel entitled to it.

 

[Ms_Manners]

If you love & respect your parents …you will want to share your intentions to marry & who will be their daughter - in - law.

If the relationship is loving and respectful, yes.
But sharing the news with your parents is very different from asking permission from either your parents or your partner’s.

 

[newf]

My daughter is 27 yrs. old and she just became engaged in December. She lives on her own in NYC. We never got asked for approval or permission or blessing, and we didn’t expect it. We also didn’t know when the engagement would happen.

I happened to be in Chicago visiting her sister when she called me. It was evening and I figured she called to chat. I ignored her call because I was with her sister. I don’t get to see my girls often in person, so I don’t like to chat on the phone when we are together. She called again and I ignored her again. Really didn’t think much about it. I figured she’d leave a message and I would call her later. Then I got a text from another sister saying “MOM PICK UP YOUR PHONE”. Ha. Okay, I knew this was going to be really good or really bad. Thankfully, it was really good.

And now we are planning a NYC wedding.

So back to the thread, no we were not upset.

 

[AnnArbor]

That is not a universal expectation. I don’t expect it. My parents didn’t expect it. In our family, engagement news was like pregnancy news. Your parents expect to be told first once the decision was a fait accompli–they shouldn’t hear from anyone else or after anyone else–but they do not presume that they have to get their two bits worth in on the decision-making. No one but the couple themselves have that right. Being consulted is a privilege, and it is presumptuous to feel entitled to it.

 

[EasterJoy]

One thing I’ve concluded from this thread:

Whether you are an unmarried adult with living parents or the parent of a child old enough to date, talk about this. Know your children’s or parents’ attitudes about this, and why they feel the way they do, and be careful to be clear about what you are and are not saying. It would be unfortunate to have either unnecessary anxiety or unnecessary hurt feelings because you never talked about this before you needed to know each other’s minds. It would be much better to be used to each other’s views, whether you see eye to eye or not, BEFORE some prospective new in-law is on the spot to be put in the middle. Even if it is too late for that, I’d still think the “what if” conversation between parent and child would be well worth having ahead of time.

 

[maryjk]

One thing I’ve concluded from this thread:

Whether you are an unmarried adult with living parents or the parent of a child old enough to date, talk about this. Know your children’s or parents’ attitudes about this, and why they feel the way they do, and be careful to be clear about what you are and are not saying. It would be unfortunate to have either unnecessary anxiety or unnecessary hurt feelings because you never talked about this before you needed to know each other’s minds. It would be much better to be used to each other’s views, whether you see eye to eye or not, BEFORE some prospective new in-law is on the spot to be put in the middle. Even if it is too late for that, I’d still think the “what if” conversation between parent and child would be well worth having ahead of time.

Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.

Since opinions range from “they better talk to us first,” to “they are adults, if they talk to us first, they aren’t ready,” it is sound advice to get everyone’s cards on the table well before it comes up.

 

[Xantippe]

Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.

Since opinions range from “they better talk to us first,” to “they are adults, if they talk to us first, they aren’t ready,” it is sound advice to get everyone’s cards on the table well before it comes up.

Yes.

My personal intuitions on this is that with regard to my own children, I hope that my expectations would be different for children at different life stages. A 27-year-old that’s been living independently for half a decade and a 20-year-old whose college we are funding are different critters.

 

[EasterJoy]

A 27-year-old that’s been living independently for half a decade and a 20-year-old whose college we are funding are different critters.

Excellent point. Parents would also probably feel very different about the long-term girlfriend or boyfriend that they’ve often praised as a great person that their child is lucky to be dating vs the brand-new one that they barely know or who has a problematic history with their child.

 

[Xantippe]

Excellent point. Parents would also probably feel very different about the long-term girlfriend or boyfriend that they’ve often praised as a great person that their child is lucky to be dating vs the brand-new one that they barely know or who has a problematic history with their child.

Right.

If your adult child has been dating the same person for the past three years and bringing them home for family holidays, it’s not exactly a shocking surprise that they’re getting married.

 

[StSentry83]

Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.

Since opinions range from “they better talk to us first,” to “they are adults, if they talk to us first, they aren’t ready,” it is sound advice to get everyone’s cards on the table well before it comes up.

OK, I have to share my story on this because it’s funny. After a couple years of dating my (now) wife had expressed to me that she wanted me to ask for her parents blessing should I ever propose. Her parents, though, were of the mindset that you mentioned there where they would have preferred not to have been asked in such a way. Of course I did not know that until after I asked. Imagine the awkwardness.

 

[EasterJoy]

OK, I have to share my story on this because it’s funny. After a couple years of dating my (now) wife had expressed to me that she wanted me to ask for her parents blessing should I ever propose. Her parents, though, were of the mindset that you mentioned there where they would have preferred not to have been asked in such a way. Of course I did not know that until after I asked. Imagine the awkwardness.

“How did it go?”
“Your parents were not particularly charmed, let’s say that. You SO owe me.”

As long as you can laugh later, though, you file it under the category of “Any landing you walk away from is a good one.”

 

[StSentry83]

“How did it go?”
“Your parents were not particularly charmed, let’s say that. You SO owe me.”

As long as you can laugh later, though, you file it under the category of “Any landing you walk away from is a good one.”

Oh yeah, we definitely laugh about it now. Anyway, just a good reminder to discuss these sorts of things with your parents.

 

[EasterJoy]

Oh yeah, we definitely laugh about it now. Anyway, just a good reminder to discuss these sorts of things with your parents.

If you’re going to have a great married life, you cannot learn the value of talking rather than presuming you know without asking a moment too soon! That includes talking with the in-laws.

They used to have show called “The Newlywed Game,” in which hilarity ensued when recently-married couples tried to predict each other’s responses to personal questions. If there were a “Parent and Adult Child Game,” I think it would be a LOT more uncomfortable!!