Would you be upset if your adult child got engaged without talking to you first?

[on_the_hill]

I couldn’t complain if it happened that way. I proposed to my wife without talking to her parents about it beforehand.

 

[felsguy]

As the father, no I was not upset in the case of #1 son and do not expect to be if #2 son ever gets around to it. I suspect it might be different though if it was my daughter and/or I was the mother.

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[ClearWater]

I don´t have any children, but if I did, I don´t think I’d expect to be told ahead of time, only if it was a “yes”.

 

[Lorelei12]

I hope that if my son is ever in a serious relationship, that he feels comfortable bringing her around and tries to integrate her into the family, and that if he were to propose that it wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. Or if he lives far away, that we at least have met and know her somewhat. But no, I would never expect him to ask for my blessing. He is free to do whatever he chooses; I only hope that we do a good enough job at raising him that he makes wise choices.

My answer would not change at all if we ever have a daughter. I think that ideally, engagements shouldn’t really be a surprise to anyone, but if we have a daughter and her boyfriend approaches us to ask, we will tell him to ask her. I would have been kind of upset if my parents knew that my husband was going to propose before I did. I know not everyone feels that way, but I just think it’s weird.

 

[nodito]

As a parent, would you be hurt or offended if your (adult) daughter’s boyfriend proposed without talking to you first and asking for your blessing?

Goodness, no. It’s not my place to bless or give permission for my adult child to marry. I would hope that we’d have a good enough relationship that I could express any concerns about a boyfriend/girlfriend long before marriage was being considered.

Of course, my eldest is four, so…

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

I wouldn’t be upset but I’m in my 30s with no kids.

Besides, it seems problematic to ask in the first place. As a 30-something I know it would be executed poorly. Plus it puts undue pressure on her in making a vitally important decision if he approved but she didn’t. That plus it would get dangerously close to the “women as property” concept of marriage (which I reject).

I didn’t ask before popping the question, but later learned he wouldn’t want me to ask anyways.

 

[Kelfa28]

My husband proposed to me when we were 27. He did not ask my dad’s permission or my family in general. I asked him if he was going to do that and he said no. We were both adults, working and living on our own and had been for years, so why ask permission or a blessing?
Granted…we had been together for 3 years at that point and my family knew him well and loved him…so it wasn’t a suprize when we announced our engagement.

We have two daughters now and potentially a third on the way…I don’t expect to be my daughter’s gatekeeper when she reaches adulthood. If she is a young adult and makes adult decisions she doesn’t need my permission to get married.

I just hope that we’ll meet and get to know the young man before this event occurs.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

So it seems that the general consensus is that asking for your parents’ blessing is a good thing to do, but that parents would not be hurt/offended if they were not first consulted, as long as the engagement was not out of the blue to someone they had never met or never knew that their son or daughter was dating. Makes sense.

It happens to be an issue that I was thinking about, because I have reason to think that the man I have been dating for over a year wants to propose soon but has delayed it because he hasn’t gotten a chance to talk to my parents. He has only met them once, and I want them to get to know him at least a little bit better before we are engaged. My parents are more old-fashioned in some ways, and I know that it would mean a lot to my dad if my boyfriend were to ask for his blessing before proposing, so I want him to do that out of respect for my parents, even if it means waiting a bit longer. (Not that it’s been a terribly long time.)

(If you wonder why he has only met them once, it is basically because my family [Baptist] has never been happy about my becoming a Catholic. This extends to them being upset about my potentially marrying a Catholic, because it would mean a Catholic wedding and raising the children Catholic. Up until now, they have basically avoided the subject of my boyfriend and haven’t really asked about him or invited him to dinner. However, we are definitely to a point where the subject can’t be avoided anymore, and I would like them to get to know each other, rather than just bring him home one day as my fiancé, which I would not wish to do to my parents.)

 

[truetofaith]

I hope that if my son is ever in a serious relationship, that he feels comfortable bringing her around and tries to integrate her into the family, and that if he were to propose that it wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. Or if he lives far away, that we at least have met and know her somewhat. But no, I would never expect him to ask for my blessing. He is free to do whatever he chooses; I only hope that we do a good enough job at raising him that he makes wise choices.

My answer would not change at all if we ever have a daughter. I think that ideally, engagements shouldn’t really be a surprise to anyone, but if we have a daughter and her boyfriend approaches us to ask, we will tell him to ask her. I would have been kind of upset if my parents knew that my husband was going to propose before I did. I know not everyone feels that way, but I just think it’s weird.

You don’t ask the parents before you ask your girlfriend ! Wow, that goes without saying!

 

[EasterJoy]

So it seems that the general consensus is that asking for your parents’ blessing is a good thing to do, but that parents would not be hurt/offended if they were not first consulted, as long as the engagement was not out of the blue to someone they had never met or never knew that their son or daughter was dating. Makes sense.

It happens to be an issue that I was thinking about, because I have reason to think that the man I have been dating for over a year wants to propose soon but has delayed it because he hasn’t gotten a chance to talk to my parents. He has only met them once, and I want them to get to know him at least a little bit better before we are engaged. My parents are more old-fashioned in some ways, and I know that it would mean a lot to my dad if my boyfriend were to ask for his blessing before proposing, so I want him to do that out of respect for my parents, even if it means waiting a bit longer. (Not that it’s been a terribly long time.)

(If you wonder why he has only met them once, it is basically because my family [Baptist] has never been happy about my becoming a Catholic. This extends to them being upset about my potentially marrying a Catholic, because it would mean a Catholic wedding and raising the children Catholic. Up until now, they have basically avoided the subject of my boyfriend and haven’t really asked about him or invited him to dinner. However, we are definitely to a point where the subject can’t be avoided anymore, and I would like them to get to know each other, rather than just bring him home one day as my fiancé, which I would not wish to do to my parents.)

You brought the whole Catholic Church home to your parents’ Baptist home without asking their permission. They may not be up for hearing the news, but whether or not they will have Catholic children and grandchildren is pretty much a done deal. They probably know that, and they probably would not like to confront this fait accompli directly.

If your boyfriend wants to talk to them and ask for their prayers and good wishes–aka their blessings–great, but when it comes to making your own decisions for yourself whether or not your parents agree, that barrier is broken. If you think your boyfriend would like to have a talk with your dad, that is a gracious gesture, but they probably won’t be resigned to the whole Catholic thing until somewhere between your first child’s First Communion and your last child’s Confirmation. IOW, don’t hold your breath on that one.

You may want to give them assurances with regards to worries that they might have. For instance, you might let them know that you value your religious formation with regards to being made intimately familiar with the Holy Bible, and intend to pass this great treasure on to your children, letting them know that it was their Baptist grandparents who taught the Bible to you. Now that might make them very happy.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

You don’t ask the parents before you ask your girlfriend ! Wow, that goes without saying!

Not necessarily. I actually think my parents would be hurt or upset if he didn’t talk to them first. That may sound ridiculous, but some people are more old-fashioned on this issue.

 

[truetofaith]

When I was planning to propose to my wife, I told my parents that I was getting a ring & was going to ask her to marry me. They knew her & liked her, although they preferred a girl I dated who was a friend of the family.
They accepted the fact I didn’t love her.
After I gave my wife the ring, on the top of the Empire State building, we went to her home & told her parents & got their congratulations ( blessings).

We went the respectful route!

 

[EnglishTeacher]

You brought the whole Catholic Church home to your parents’ Baptist home without asking their permission. They may not be up for hearing the news, but whether or not they will have Catholic children and grandchildren is pretty much a done deal. They probably know that, and they probably would not like to confront this fait accompli directly.

If your boyfriend wants to talk to them and ask for their prayers and good wishes–aka their blessings–great, but when it comes to making your own decisions for yourself whether or not your parents agree, that barrier is broken. If you think your boyfriend would like to have a talk with your dad, that is a gracious gesture, but they probably won’t be resigned to the whole Catholic thing until somewhere between your first child’s First Communion and your last child’s Confirmation. IOW, don’t hold your breath on that one.

No, I know. I don’t expect them to be resigned to it any time soon, if ever, and I am sad about that. I feel that I hurt and disappointed them by becoming Catholic (even though it was the right thing to do), so I try to make it up to them by trying to please them in every other way.

 

[truetofaith]

Not necessarily. I actually think my parents would be hurt or upset if he didn’t talk to them first. That may sound ridiculous, but some people are more old-fashioned on this issue.

It’s not old fashioned…some people have no love or respect for their parents!

 

[EasterJoy]

Not necessarily. I actually think my parents would be hurt or upset if he didn’t talk to them first. That may sound ridiculous, but some people are more old-fashioned on this issue.

It is quite a bit different if he goes to them with your blessing. That is not getting permission. That is building bridges–a much different proposition. I would talk to your future fiance about what he has in mind to say to your dad, so you can identify your father’s concerns and any landmines that someone not raised by your unique Baptist parents might not see until it is too late.

Do they golf? This could be a conversation that ought to take place where the two men can’t duck out too easily, but where they can change the subject and just enjoy each other’s company, if they choose.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

You may want to give them assurances with regards to worries that they might have. For instance, you might let them know that you value your religious formation with regards to being made intimately familiar with the Holy Bible, and intend to pass this great treasure on to your children, letting them know that it was their Baptist grandparents who taught the Bible to you. Now that might make them very happy.

I didn’t see this part when I posted my response. I do really like this idea; thank you very much for adding this. It is important that my children know the Bible, and you are right that I owe my familiarity with it to my parents. Reassuring them in this way would be a very excellent thing.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

It is quite a bit different if he goes to them with your blessing. That is not getting permission. That is building bridges–a much different proposition. I would talk to your future fiance about what he has in mind to say to your dad, so you can identify your father’s concerns and any landmines that someone not raised by your unique Baptist parents might not see until it is too late.

It is definitely different than asking permission, although I don’t think we would officially get engaged until he talked to my dad. I do need to talk to my boyfriend about what he plans to say to him, though; you are right.

Do they golf? This could be a conversation that ought to take place where the two men can’t duck out too easily, but where they can change the subject and just enjoy each other’s company, if they choose.

They don’t golf, but maybe I can think of something else that they could both do, like ice fishing possibly. Not a whole lot of other options around here this time of year .

 

[EasterJoy]

It’s not old fashioned…some people have no love or respect for their parents!

I beg your pardon? No love or respect? What kind of talk is that? I ask this as a mother myself!! Where did you get the idea that getting permission to marry is a duty demanded by either love or respect of one’s parents? This is not a Catholic teaching. There is a reason, for instance, that the Catholic rite does not and has never included the question, “Who gives this woman in marriage?” The spouses give themselves, and no one else has a right to feel entitled to have a say in it.

Then there are the wedding customs that actually conflict with Catholic marital theology. One significant example of this phenomenon is “giving away the bride.”

Catholics believe that the man and woman give themselves to each other in marriage. The reason why the question “Who gives this woman to this man?” never appears in a Catholic marriage liturgy is because the freedom of both parties to marry each other is so important that any suggestion that there is a lack of freedom by the bride to enter into the marriage—that she has, instead, been “given” into marriage by her father alone or by her parents together or by anyone else—could call into question the validity of the marriage. I strongly urge Catholic wedding celebrants, parents, and couples to stoutly refuse to foster or participate in “giving away the bride,” on the basis of religious principle.

from Catholic Answers apologist Michelle Arnold’s blog entry, “Don’t Give Away the Bride!”
catholic.com/blog/michelle-arnold/dont-give-away-the-bride

 

[shainski]

So it seems that the general consensus is that asking for your parents’ blessing is a good thing to do, but that parents would not be hurt/offended if they were not first consulted, as long as the engagement was not out of the blue to someone they had never met or never knew that their son or daughter was dating. Makes sense.

It happens to be an issue that I was thinking about, because I have reason to think that the man I have been dating for over a year wants to propose soon but has delayed it because he hasn’t gotten a chance to talk to my parents. He has only met them once, and I want them to get to know him at least a little bit better before we are engaged. My parents are more old-fashioned in some ways, and I know that it would mean a lot to my dad if my boyfriend were to ask for his blessing before proposing, so I want him to do that out of respect for my parents, even if it means waiting a bit longer. (Not that it’s been a terribly long time.)

(If you wonder why he has only met them once, it is basically because my family [Baptist] has never been happy about my becoming a Catholic. This extends to them being upset about my potentially marrying a Catholic, because it would mean a Catholic wedding and raising the children Catholic. Up until now, they have basically avoided the subject of my boyfriend and haven’t really asked about him or invited him to dinner. However, we are definitely to a point where the subject can’t be avoided anymore, and I would like them to get to know each other, rather than just bring him home one day as my fiancé, which I would not wish to do to my parents.)

But, is there something he could say that will relieve their fears? If they say “no”, what would be his recourse?

I think, if you were teenagers, then asking for parents’ blessing (approval) is wise. But if you are into your twenties - and fully adult - I don’t think it is necessary (and some would even think it is insulting)

But if it is just that you would like your parents and boyfriend to know each other better before you spring the engagement on them, then that would likely be a good idea.

You say that you’ve been dating for over a year. Do your parents know that you have dated for over a year? How long have you dated before you told your parents about him? How old are you?

I take it that you live away from your parents’ home. How long have you lived on your own? How far away do you live from them?

At some point you are an adult and will make your own decisions. So, you have to be fully prepared for your course of action should your parents decide to withhold their approval.

 

[Lorelei12]

You don’t ask the parents before you ask your girlfriend ! Wow, that goes without saying!

Huh?

I thought that’s what this thread was about. Approaching the parents before proposing, either for “permission” or a blessing. What is the point of asking the parents if you’ve already proposed and she said yes?