Would you be upset if your adult child got engaged without talking to you first?

[Xantippe]

I have found that when people say “this is how things are done where I come from,” the people who live where they come from are not always in universal agreement about that. A lot of the ones who left also cite “how things are done” as the reason they left, too!

Amen to that!

 

[Ms_Manners]

We met the parents before we got engaged.
We each talked to the parents and knew their opinions.
If they’d had some serious concerns, we would have taken those into consideration, but the ultimate decision wasn’t theirs.

We got engaged and told our parents.
They were happy, they all said that they pretty much expected it to happen.

In some way, I see that as the beginning of boundaries for them in our adult lives and our life together. The parents are close, but their place is not in the marriage. Asking for permission would put them in the middle. They are not, and they are not supposed to be.

We did the same when it came to the wedding, our home and other big decisions and so far it has worked wonderfully. I can’t remember a single serious “get out of our business” conversation with either of them.

The model still works. We talk to them before important decisions, they have an opportunity to express their opinions, but they also know they don’t get to sulk if we don’t take their advice. They get to accept us as adults who are not miniatures of themselves and take different roads sometimes.

 

[Joy2day]

If the couple had been going out a while, you probably would have had discussions with your child re. how serious the relationship was or whether marriage was on the cards. If I knew my child was not that serious about marriage and the partner came and asked for my blessing before proposing; well I would rather not be put in that position actually! How can I give my blessing if I am unsure of my child’s response to the proposal? I would probably have to say ‘well if you both agree, then I suppose I will give my blessing’ etc etc.

I might be a little concerned though, if my formerly single child went on a holiday to Las Vegas and came back married to someone I had never met, and they had only met recently! (love at first sight etc). But in that situation, the horse has already bolted, so my ‘prior marriage blessing’ wouldn’t really be relevant.

Ultimately, it seems an old fashioned concept based on the idea that the parents would supply a dowry for the wife, and therefore the couple needed the parent’s blessing.

 

[MJJean]

I have found that when people say “this is how things are done where I come from,” the people who live where they come from are not always in universal agreement about that. A lot of the ones who left also cite “how things are done” as the reason they left, too!

My in-laws would have thought I had gone insane, if I had asked them before I married their son if I had their permission. Had my husband asked my parents, they would have told him, “Well, if you want an answer, you’d better ask her.” **They would not have gone into that mine field for a million bucks. **If you have to sleep in the bed, then you get to make it.

Whenever I hear “in the old country” I picture a late teens couple, traditionally courting, deciding to marry, and the engagement being so long because 1) they are waiting for the couple to be of legal age and 2) they are waiting for the young man, at least, to have some kind of gainful employment in order to support his wife and future kids.

And, yeah, I want no part of that minefield, either. I have 2 girls, ages 21 and 16 along with a son who is 13. Same answer for both genders.

I have no desire to share the blame if anything goes wrong. If, for example, my eldest DD wanted to marry and I said no, then they broke up over it, and she never found anyone else I’d never heard the end of it. If my DD wanted to marry and I said yes, then the marriage turned out to be a disaster I’d never hear the end of it. Nope, I raised them to think for themselves and be independent. That includes making their own successes and mistakes.

Now, and this has happened to me already with my 21 year old DD, if I were asked my opinion of a specific boy as a lifelong mate I might say something like “Well, XYand Z are the facts of the situation. Do you think it’s a good idea to get married considering that?” This means I have merely pointed out some potential problem and left the decision entirely up to my adult kid. Not the same as permission or blessing or lack of either.

 

[estesbob]

I realize the answers are probably going to vary quite a bit on this question, but I am interested to hear different perspectives.

As a parent, would you be hurt or offended if your (adult) daughter’s boyfriend proposed without talking to you first and asking for your blessing? Would the answer change if it was your son who proposed to his girlfriend without talking to you first and asking for your blessing? If so, why?

Not in the least.It’s her decision.Not mine.

 

[Xantippe]

In some way, I see that as the beginning of boundaries for them in our adult lives and our life together. The parents are close, but their place is not in the marriage. Asking for permission would put them in the middle. They are not, and they are not supposed to be.

Yes!

That is a very good point about asking “permission” meaning inserting the parents into the marriage from the beginning.

 

[Xantippe]

Ultimately, it seems an old fashioned concept based on the idea that the parents would supply a dowry for the wife, and therefore the couple needed the parent’s blessing.

That’s a good point.

And it might well be true on the man’s side that he couldn’t marry without the approval of his family or he’d risk being cut off and facing financial ruin.

 

[Xantippe]

I have no desire to share the blame if anything goes wrong. If, for example, my eldest DD wanted to marry and I said no, then they broke up over it, and she never found anyone else I’d never heard the end of it. If my DD wanted to marry and I said yes, then the marriage turned out to be a disaster I’d never hear the end of it. Nope, I raised them to think for themselves and be independent. That includes making their own successes and mistakes.

Now, and this has happened to me already with my 21 year old DD, if I were asked my opinion of a specific boy as a lifelong mate I might say something like “Well, XYand Z are the facts of the situation. Do you think it’s a good idea to get married considering that?” This means I have merely pointed out some potential problem and left the decision entirely up to my adult kid. Not the same as permission or blessing or lack of either.

All very true.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Love and Life in the Divine Plan Family (2011)
Sister Jane Dominic O.P.

"Openness to the mystery of God to lead us away from selfishness. To allow love to be definitive. What good is our marriage vows if they do not cost us anything? In marriage we give what we don’t even have to give- our future. Marriage is the mystery of the limit. God ( who is love ) teaches us the limit. He embraced the limit our human nature In His incarnet limit which had a limit of suffering on the cross to brings with Him into the limitless into the horizon of eternity across the threshold of divine love.

Sister Jane points out that in marriage we are giving away what we don’t even have to give, our future. Although we cannot see into the future, or predict the future we can use our families to see how we are most likely to deal with the future.

Questions like, how will your fiancé deal (dealt with) the death of their parents? How involved will the parents be in the future (helping with kids, illnesses, financial troubles)? How many issues are lingering from childhood wishes?

I would imagine including the parents at any age (even the deceased) would be a good exercise to help prepare the couple for the future and life’s future events.

 

[DarkLight]

This is actually a topic I’ve though about before. As a child of parents who are vehemently opposed to Catholicism, I probably would expect any guy I dated to not ask their permission. It just…wouldn’t work, and I wouldn’t want to ask knowing that we weren’t really going to want their (name removed by moderator)ut, or at least not on the topic it would almost certainly be on.

And unfortunately when it comes to respect, the parents’ ability to earn that does matter, especially where religious differences are concerned.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

This is actually a topic I’ve though about before. As a child of parents who are vehemently opposed to Catholicism, I probably would expect any guy I dated to not ask their permission. It just…wouldn’t work, and I wouldn’t want to ask knowing that we weren’t really going to want their (name removed by moderator)ut, or at least not on the topic it would almost certainly be on.

And unfortunately when it comes to respect, the parents’ ability to earn that does matter, especially where religious differences are concerned.

You know that is a good point. A lot depends on the relationship of the parent/child in these situations. I never would have asked my MIL (FIL) was not around, if I could marry her daughter. And while I did tell my mother (who I was living with at the time) about the upcoming engagement, I did not seek her approval. However my mom and I were close and so she naturally knew what I was up to. My mom was definitely a hands off type of person at that point, and my father had passed away. There really was no parental “authority” to ask on either side. I suppose in a perfect world that I really respect a man who asks. But more than that, I think it is both a man and a woman’s show of respect to include a parent in a life decision and at least get their (name removed by moderator)ut. But again that depends on the relationship of the parent and child. Now, I answered that would be hurt if they got engaged without me knowing but that is because at this point, we have a very very close bond. And there have been a lot of nights in my house spent in front of a wedding dress show cuddled up with my kiddos.

 

[Xantippe]

You know that is a good point. A lot depends on the relationship of the parent/child in these situations. I never would have asked my MIL (FIL) was not around, if I could marry her daughter. And while I did tell my mother (who I was living with at the time) about the upcoming engagement, I did not seek her approval. However my mom and I were close and so she naturally knew what I was up to. My mom was definitely a hands off type of person at that point, and my father had passed away. There really was no parental “authority” to ask on either side. I suppose in a perfect world that I really respect a man who asks. But more than that, I think it is both a man and a woman’s show of respect to include a parent in a life decision and at least get their (name removed by moderator)ut. But again that depends on the relationship of the parent and child. Now, I answered that would be hurt if they got engaged without me knowing but that is because at this point, we have a very very close bond. And there have been a lot of nights in my house spent in front of a wedding dress show cuddled up with my kiddos.

Awwww.

 

[truetofaith]

I beg your pardon? No love or respect? What kind of talk is that? I ask this as a mother myself!! Where did you get the idea that getting permission to marry is a duty demanded by either love or respect of one’s parents? This is not a Catholic teaching. There is a reason, for instance, that the Catholic rite does not and has never included the question, “Who gives this woman in marriage?” The spouses give themselves, and no one else has a right to feel entitled to have a say in it.

from Catholic Answers apologist Michelle Arnold’s blog entry, “Don’t Give Away the Bride!”
catholic.com/blog/michelle-arnold/dont-give-away-the-bride

If you love & respect your parents …you will want to share your intentions to marry & who will be their daughter - in - law.

You don’t need Catholic teaching for this, it’s a matter of common courtesy.

 

[DarkLight]

If you love & respect your parents …you will want to share your intentions to marry & who will be their daughter - in - law.

You don’t need Catholic teaching for this, it’s a matter of common courtesy.

I would be careful with the term respect. We love our parents, we honor them, but respect must be earned. It’s perfectly possible to justifiably have no respect for parents’ opinions on certain matters. I certainly don’t have much respect for my parents when it comes to religious matters - frankly their behavior around the matter has not been particularly respectable.

In most cases I would think parents should be aware that the subject of marriage is in the air before it comes to an engagement. How much (name removed by moderator)ut they are asked for and how seriously it is taken should depend on how the parents act. But that doesn’t imply that their permission should be asked; I’m of the opinion that you shouldn’t ask permission unless you’re actually willing to not get married if they say no.

 

[Xantippe]

If you love & respect your parents …you will want to share your intentions to marry & who will be their daughter - in - law.

You don’t need Catholic teaching for this, it’s a matter of common courtesy.

If she hasn’t said yes yet, isn’t that a tad premature?

Also, you can love and respect parents, while knowing that they will blow a gasket at the thought of you marrying anybody. That does happen.

My prospective in-laws, after spending about an hour at most having breakfast with me and my fiance, managed to produce a lengthy negative telephone report on me that nuked my relationship with them for the next 5-10 years.

It was only some years later that I realized that I could have been Mother Teresa, Maria Goretti, Pope John Paul’s mom, and any number of worthy females all rolled into one, and my in-laws still wouldn’t have been happy with me. They just weren’t prepared for the idea of their son (a highly educated mid-20 something) getting married. It really wasn’t about me.

Also, at some point, we have to think about the possibility that if people aren’t telling us things, it might just be because we shot the messenger the last dozen times.

 

[truetofaith]

I think you misunderstood what I said. I don’t mean if a person doesn’t ask permission from parents to get married, they don’t love or respect them. I’ve been reading in the posts that some people get engaged without their parents knowledge that they were even dating anyone.
Some young people don’t tell their parents, anything. They don’t even visit or call them.

 

[truetofaith]

I would be careful with the term respect. We love our parents, we honor them, but respect must be earned. It’s perfectly possible to justifiably have no respect for parents’ opinions on certain matters. I certainly don’t have much respect for my parents when it comes to religious matters - frankly their behavior around the matter has not been particularly respectable.

In most cases I would think parents should be aware that the subject of marriage is in the air before it comes to an engagement. How much (name removed by moderator)ut they are asked for and how seriously it is taken should depend on how the parents act. But that doesn’t imply that their permission should be asked; I’m of the opinion that you shouldn’t ask permission unless you’re actually willing to not get married if they say no.

I think this topic started out asking for parents’ “blessing” but became more permission.

You fall in love with someone and decide to get married, then share the good news with your parents, unless you know there is something about your intended that your parents won’t like.

 

[Xantippe]

I think you misunderstood what I said. I don’t mean if a person doesn’t ask permission from parents to get married, they don’t love or respect them. I’ve been reading in the posts that some people get engaged without their parents knowledge that they were even dating anyone.
Some young people don’t tell their parents, anything. They don’t even visit or call them.

Again, if that is the situation between parent and adult child, there’s a chance that the reason is that on previous occasions, the parent did not deal well with information from the adult child.

Also, there’s a type of parent that wants to be called and visited, but won’t bestir themselves to call or visit.

 

[DarkLight]

Again, if that is the situation between parent and adult child, there’s a chance that the reason is that on previous occasions, the parent did not deal well with information from the adult child.

Also, there’s a type of parent that wants to be called and visited, but won’t bestir themselves to call or visit.

I certainly try to avoid visiting my parents!

 

[Xantippe]

One of my personal rules of thumb is that by and large, what you get out of a relationship is going to closely resemble what you put into the relationship.

If a relationship fizzles, it may be that the other party has gotten tired of doing all the heavy lifting.