Would you call, write a letter, or nothing?

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I have a complicated family situation. I am raising my sister’s child because CPS placed her with me because my sister is an alcoholic/drug addict. (I love my niece and we are adopting her) My sister has been sober for a few years and she had another baby. My sister is 36 and the father is 21. They are planning to get married in October.

Our parents have both passed away so I am the next of kin for my sister. I keep asking her to give me her fiancé’s parents contact information so I can reach out to them since they are getting married. If I go to this wedding, I don’t want to meet his parents for the first time there.

My sister doesn’t want me to contact them. She says the fiancé’s mom is mad and the dad is old and shouldn’t be bothered. Due to the magic of the internet, I have found contact information (address and phone number) for her fiancé’s parents.

I am sure his mother is not happy because her 21 year old son who was a good student and had a promising future is now marrying a 36 year old who has yet to even think about getting her life together. That or either my sister has told htem awful things about me - or both.

I feel I should reach out to this family. Let them know I’m here and I’m on their side. Should I reach out to them? Should I call? Should I write a letter? Ideas? I don’t have any means of contacting them electronically.
 
noclevername said:
I have a complicated family situation. I am raising my sister’s child because CPS placed her with me because my sister is an alcoholic/drug addict. (I love my niece and we are adopting her) My sister has been sober for a few years and she had another baby. My sister is 36 and the father is 21. They are planning to get married in October.

Our parents have both passed away so I am the next of kin for my sister. I keep asking her to give me her fiancé’s parents contact information so I can reach out to them since they are getting married. If I go to this wedding, I don’t want to meet his parents for the first time there.

My sister doesn’t want me to contact them. She says the fiancé’s mom is mad and the dad is old and shouldn’t be bothered. Due to the magic of the internet, I have found contact information (address and phone number) for her fiancé’s parents.

I am sure his mother is not happy because her 21 year old son who was a good student and had a promising future is now marrying a 36 year old who has yet to even think about getting her life together. That or either my sister has told htem awful things about me - or both.

I feel I should reach out to this family. Let them know I’m here and I’m on their side. Should I reach out to them? Should I call? Should I write a letter? Ideas? I don’t have any means of contacting them electronically.
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Should you call!? Are you crazy!?

The answer is NO!
 
Honestly, I think it is best not to reach out under the circumstances. You are not the main party involved in this mess, and I don’t see it making things any better or less awkward to have approached the fiance’s family over your sister’s objections.
 
Let me ask another way. If it were your 36 year old daughter marrying the 21 year old boy, would you reach out as the mother to this boy’s mother? Since our parents are deceased, I am essentially my sister’s mother at this point.
 
noclevername said:
Let me ask another way. If it were your 36 year old daughter marrying the 21 year old boy, would you reach out as the mother to this boy’s mother? Since our parents are deceased, I am essentially my sister’s mother at this point.
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There is no “reaching out”. There is a natural way this will happen, as the families grow and the marriage bears fruit.

Now put that stick down and leave the hornets nest alone…
 
As a sister or a mom, it is NOT your place to be involved in that mess. Your sister gave you an out (asking you for no contact) so you should graciously take that out. They are both adults even if on paper only. Besides, his parents might be as bad off or in even worse shape than they are. Do you really want to open that possibility up? Your sister isn’t 16, she’s 36. It’s not your place to get involved against her wishes
 
noclevername said:
I have a complicated family situation. I am raising my sister’s child because CPS placed her with me because my sister is an alcoholic/drug addict. (I love my niece and we are adopting her) My sister has been sober for a few years and she had another baby. My sister is 36 and the father is 21. They are planning to get married in October.

Our parents have both passed away so I am the next of kin for my sister. I keep asking her to give me her fiancé’s parents contact information so I can reach out to them since they are getting married. If I go to this wedding, I don’t want to meet his parents for the first time there.

My sister doesn’t want me to contact them. She says the fiancé’s mom is mad and the dad is old and shouldn’t be bothered. Due to the magic of the internet, I have found contact information (address and phone number) for her fiancé’s parents.

I am sure his mother is not happy because her 21 year old son who was a good student and had a promising future is now marrying a 36 year old who has yet to even think about getting her life together. That or either my sister has told htem awful things about me - or both.

I feel I should reach out to this family. Let them know I’m here and I’m on their side. Should I reach out to them? Should I call? Should I write a letter? Ideas? I don’t have any means of contacting them electronically.
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Here’s yet another possibility–sis is keeping it dark that she has a kid that is being raised by her sister because of her substance abuse issues.

And definitely don’t be contacting these people.
 
I still don’t understand why but OK. I won’t. I probably won’t be attending the wedding either. It will be too hurtful to my niece. The mom can have another baby, keep that baby, get married to the baby daddy yet not try to get her first daughter back? That is horrible and I can’t and won’t subject my niece to it. If I go without my niece, it’s still as if I’m supporting the whole process.
 
noclevername said:
I still don’t understand why but OK. I won’t. I probably won’t be attending the wedding either. It will be too hurtful to my niece. The mom can have another baby, keep that baby, get married to the baby daddy yet not try to get her first daughter back? That is horrible and I can’t and won’t subject my niece to it. If I go without my niece, it’s still as if I’m supporting the whole process.
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Probably not a bad idea to skip the wedding. I don’t know what I would do to be honest about attending, but you are certainly entitled not to attend. I would adjust the way you look at the situation with your niece though. It’s a blessing to all involved for her to no longer be in that mess. Many people put children up for adoption or lose custody and never regain it. It’s nearly always in the best interest of the child. Pray for your sister and pray extra hard for the new baby. Find ways show your niece what a blessing she is to you and how needed she is in your life. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
 
noclevername said:
I still don’t understand why but OK. I won’t. I probably won’t be attending the wedding either. It will be too hurtful to my niece. The mom can have another baby, keep that baby, get married to the baby daddy yet not try to get her first daughter back? That is horrible and I can’t and won’t subject my niece to it. If I go without my niece, it’s still as if I’m supporting the whole process.
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I see your situation is very difficult.

Perhaps attend the wedding without your niece so you are able to make contact with the grooms parents there. However, have a scripted conversation in mind! Write down everything you will say, rehearse it, and stick to it.

What does your sister say about her daughter attending the wedding?

I would not discuss anything with his parents that is not necessary. Is there something in particular you want to say to them or just be there to meet them?
 
bitterhope said:
Probably not a bad idea to skip the wedding. I don’t know what I would do to be honest about attending, but you are certainly entitled not to attend. I would adjust the way you look at the situation with your niece though. It’s a blessing to all involved for her to no longer be in that mess. Many people put children up for adoption or lose custody and never regain it. It’s nearly always in the best interest of the child. Pray for your sister and pray extra hard for the new baby. Find ways show your niece what a blessing she is to you and how needed she is in your life. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
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Yes!

Plus, sad as it is to say, the odds of the 36-year-old recovering drug addict/alcoholic and new mom having a long-term successful marriage with her new 21-year-old husband are virtually nil.

That would be a very turbulent and dysfunctional setting to stick your niece in.
 
noclevername said:
I have a complicated family situation. I am raising my sister’s child because CPS placed her with me because my sister is an alcoholic/drug addict. (I love my niece and we are adopting her) My sister has been sober for a few years and she had another baby. My sister is 36 and the father is 21. They are planning to get married in October.

Our parents have both passed away so I am the next of kin for my sister. I keep asking her to give me her fiancé’s parents contact information so I can reach out to them since they are getting married. If I go to this wedding, I don’t want to meet his parents for the first time there.

My sister doesn’t want me to contact them. She says the fiancé’s mom is mad and the dad is old and shouldn’t be bothered. Due to the magic of the internet, I have found contact information (address and phone number) for her fiancé’s parents.

I am sure his mother is not happy because her 21 year old son who was a good student and had a promising future is now marrying a 36 year old who has yet to even think about getting her life together. That or either my sister has told htem awful things about me - or both.

I feel I should reach out to this family. Let them know I’m here and I’m on their side. Should I reach out to them? Should I call? Should I write a letter? Ideas? I don’t have any means of contacting them electronically.
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I agree with most of the other posters here and their sound advice.

God bless you for being a great mom with a big heart.
 
noclevername said:
Let me ask another way. If it were your 36 year old daughter marrying the 21 year old boy, would you reach out as the mother to this boy’s mother? Since our parents are deceased, I am essentially my sister’s mother at this point.
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In what way are you your sister’s mother? Did you raise her? Are you a lot older than she is? You’re both adults, so whether your parents are deceased or not, I’m not understanding why that is relevant.

In any case, it’s not your place to reach out to them. Especially not to let them know that you are “on their side”…you don’t know anything about their family situation. She asked you not to. Not that it’s the same situation, but my parents and my husband’s parents did not meet until the rehearsal dinner. It’s not a big deal.
 
Many people do meet their new in-law’s family at or only very shortly before the wedding.

The only reason you should not go to the wedding is if you think it is too confusing for your soon-to-be adopted daughter to see her birth mother with another child, getting married and starting a new family, excluding her. If she is OK with that because she is happy to be with you, then go ahead to her birth mother’s wedding. If not, don’t go or else get a sitter for her.
 
Whatever you do, do not make a cold call to someone you don’t know on behalf of relatives that have asked you not to contact them. If you come to have a substantial reason to believe these people are elderly and being taken advantage of, alert the appropriate social service agency in their area. If not, butt out.

Right now, your goal ought to be to manage your relationship with your sister and her family. That’s all. Do an end-around on her, and she may never speak to you again. For what?
 
I think it’s apparent that you are trying to accomplish something under the premise of “helping”.
You’re not. If you love this child, you will not try to ruin her mother’s life.
NO.
A thousand times NO.
I’m sure her fiance knows the whole story already.
Stay out of it.it is NOT your place.
 
pianistclare said:
I think it’s apparent that you are trying to accomplish something under the premise of “helping”.
You’re not. If you love this child, you will not try to ruin her mother’s life.
NO.
A thousand times NO.
I’m sure her fiance knows the whole story already.
Stay out of it.it is NOT your place.
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Totally agree. Stay out of it altogether.
 
As the adoption of your niece is not yet final, you should probably fly as low under the radar as possible.

Meddling in the affairs of your sister and her fiance could make you appear to be the unstable one. If you have any justifiable concerns about the welfare of their baby or his parents, you should contact the appropriate authorities.

Otherwise, lay low, take care of the beautiful and precious child in your care, and pray for everyone involved.
 
bitterhope said:
Probably not a bad idea to skip the wedding. I don’t know what I would do to be honest about attending, but you are certainly entitled not to attend. I would adjust the way you look at the situation with your niece though. It’s a blessing to all involved for her to no longer be in that mess. Many people put children up for adoption or lose custody and never regain it. It’s nearly always in the best interest of the child. Pray for your sister and pray extra hard for the new baby. Find ways show your niece what a blessing she is to you and how needed she is in your life. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
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Well said. 👍
 
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