Would you call, write a letter, or nothing?

[Allegra]

You feel you have the rights of a parent to a woman who’s wedding you don’t even expect to attend?

Huh?

No. Don’t call these people. Leave your sister alone and concentrate on your niece.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

I agree with everyone else who said don’t contact her intended’s parents. First, your sister said not to. Secondly, I don’t think it would be wise to contact them even if she were okay with you doing so.

This is all between your sister, her intended and his parents.

Someone else said that their parents didn’t meet until the rehearsal dinner. My parents and my mother-in-law (father-in-law is deceased) met at our wedding!

 

[bitterhope]

My parents (dad is gone now) have never met my in laws. They live in separate countries. We’ve been married a very long time with #9 due soon. They have talked on the phone a couple times but there’s a language barrier so unless we are there to translate they can’t. Pictures and stories, and tons of love and respect going both ways. Some of my siblings have met my in laws, but my sister in law has never met any of my family. Maybe our family is unusual, but we don’t feel the need to “get to know one another” in order for love to bond us. My parents always knew my in laws must be good people because they raised such a good man, and my in laws said the same about my parents. They all have plans to meet in heaven, and dad is already brewing the coffee waiting for the others to join him.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree with everyone else who said don’t contact her intended’s parents. First, your sister said not to. Secondly, I don’t think it would be wise to contact them even if she were okay with you doing so.

This is all between your sister, her intended and his parents.

Someone else said that their parents didn’t meet until the rehearsal dinner. My parents and my mother-in-law (father-in-law is deceased) met at our wedding!

Members of the two families ought to be introduced to each other by either the bride or the groom or at least at a meeting arranged by the bride, groom, or both. It does not look good to do an end-around “check out.”

 

[Anglewannabe]

I still don’t understand why but OK. .

Well, the fact that your sister who is 36 said not too should be reason enough. We are supposed to respect other people’s boundaries even if we don’t like them

Also, there is NO need for you to contact them. It doesn’t sound like you would have anything in common to form a friendship with them. It only sounds like you want to keep your fingers in the drama.

seriously, what were you planning on doing ? Phoning them and saying ‘Hi my sister and your sound are in an unhealthy relationship so I think we should meet’

 

[Xantippe]

Well, the fact that your sister who is 36 said not too should be reason enough. We are supposed to respect other people’s boundaries even if we don’t like them

Also, there is NO need for you to contact them. It doesn’t sound like you would have anything in common to form a friendship with them. It only sounds like you want to keep your fingers in the drama.

seriously, what were you planning on doing ? Phoning them and saying ‘Hi my sister and your sound are in an unhealthy relationship so I think we should meet’

Right.

What is the game plan here?

 

[pianistclare]

I still don’t understand why but OK. I won’t. I probably won’t be attending the wedding either. It will be too hurtful to my niece. The mom can have another baby, keep that baby, get married to the baby daddy yet not try to get her first daughter back? That is horrible and I can’t and won’t subject my niece to it. If I go without my niece, it’s still as if I’m supporting the whole process.

Who says she won’t try to get her daughter back?
You’re reading way into the future.
Why can’t you support her happy marriage?
How will it hurt your niece? Only if you talk her mama down.

Sounds like you really are angry at your sister. Pray for a better relationship with her. She will be in the child’s life forever. Hating your sister isn’t going to do anything positive for the little girl. It will make the judge in the adoption think twice about letting you keep her though. This family needs to be repaired…healed…not divided further.
Talk to your priest at the minimum.

 

[EasterJoy]

Who says she won’t try to get her daughter back?
You’re reading way into the future.
Why can’t you support her happy marriage?
How will it hurt your niece? Only if you talk her mama down.

Sounds like you really are angry at your sister. Pray for a better relationship with her. She will be in the child’s life forever. Hating your sister isn’t going to do anything positive for the little girl. It will make the judge in the adoption think twice about letting you keep her though. This family needs to be repaired…healed…not divided further.
Talk to your priest at the minimum.

I don’t think she sounds angry. Why do you think that? Why do you think there is hatred involved? Is this because she’s fallen to pessimism about the situation? She shouldn’t do that, but it is understandable. She’s been given plenty of reasons to be pessimistic where her sister is concerned. She ought to withhold judgment, but she may have done that more times than she can count without many good results.

She doesn’t want to made to wait to meet her sister’s new relatives. She may only be unacquainted with the cases where the families don’t meet until the wedding has arrived or practically arrived. It does happen quite often, though. As the groom is 21, she does need to show some respect, now that her sister has drawn a boundary. That is still her perogative, and the OP will violate that boundary at her peril. No, putting up with having your boundaries violated for years does NOT earn you a mulligan. Giving the impression that you feel entitled to violate someone else’s boundaries based on their past is not ingratiating at all.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

I have a complicated family situation. I am raising my sister’s child because CPS placed her with me because my sister is an alcoholic/drug addict. (I love my niece and we are adopting her) My sister has been sober for a few years and she had another baby. My sister is 36 and the father is 21. They are planning to get married in October.

Our parents have both passed away so I am the next of kin for my sister. I keep asking her to give me her fiancé’s parents contact information so I can reach out to them since they are getting married. If I go to this wedding, I don’t want to meet his parents for the first time there.

My sister doesn’t want me to contact them. She says the fiancé’s mom is mad and the dad is old and shouldn’t be bothered. Due to the magic of the internet, I have found contact information (address and phone number) for her fiancé’s parents.

I am sure his mother is not happy because her 21 year old son who was a good student and had a promising future is now marrying a 36 year old who has yet to even think about getting her life together. That or either my sister has told htem awful things about me - or both.

I feel I should reach out to this family. Let them know I’m here and I’m on their side. Should I reach out to them? Should I call? Should I write a letter? Ideas? I don’t have any means of contacting them electronically.

Absolutely not! Your sister is an adult, has been sober for a couple of years and has asked you not to contact them. Im confused if you have not met his parents, how you know they are not happy? I think you are making assumptions. You are not your sisters mother, you are her sister and have your niece to think about, focus on her.

I met some of my in laws for the first time at my wedding, some I have still not met! Its not a requirement that everyone meets beforehand.

 

[bluerose]

Im confused if you have not met his parents, how you know they are not happy? I think you are making assumptions.

The OP said that her sister told her that the fiance’s mother is mad and the dad is old and shouldn’t be bothered.The OP is assuming that the reason mom is mad is because their 21 year old son with a promising future is marrying a 36 year old woman with a less than stellar past.

 

[Irishmom2]

As a sister or a mom, it is NOT your place to be involved in that mess. Your sister gave you an out (asking you for no contact) so you should graciously take that out. They are both adults even if on paper only. Besides, his parents might be as bad off or in even worse shape than they are. Do you really want to open that possibility up? Your sister isn’t 16, she’s 36. It’s not your place to get involved against her wishes

This.

Why would you want to “reach out” if your sister said not to anyway?

What you say to your niece is very important. I don’t know how old she is, but whatever you say should be age appropriate. Perhaps you are reading into how your niece feels/will feel. When she is old enough to understand, you can explain that her mom was unable to take care of her as a mom should due to her own issues that had nothing to do with her. But that you were more than happy to step in and share all the love you could possible give her. No need to go into detail of your sister’s problem. Not now, maybe not ever. That is between them when the time is right.

I too, think you should attend the wedding, if even to offer your best wishes and hopes that things work out. What is your reason for not going? "Your marriage doomed so I am not attending? "

 

[Truth_Faith13]

The OP said that her sister told her that the fiance’s mother is mad and the dad is old and shouldn’t be bothered.The OP is assuming that the reason mom is mad is because their 21 year old son with a promising future is marrying a 36 year old woman with a less than stellar past.

Ah OK, I hadnt connected the two paragraphs and didnt read the first one to mean the Mum was unhappy with the situation.