Would you consider this abusive or extreme?

[MJJean]

One thing that I’m confused about… My therapist says that I can no longer spend time complaining about my husband… That I can’t complain about him since I have already established the problems and his lack of interest In making lasting change.

Does that sound fair?

Absolutely. If you’re staying in this disaster of a marriage then you lose the right to complain about it since staying is a choice you freely make every day that you don’t leave.

If you want the honest opinion of another mother, giving your son a home with a pool and a few friends over is nice and all, but I’d much rather give my children a stable family life. Frankly, your son has lived in 6 houses over the last 2 years directly because of your husband. And because of your husband he will very likely have to move again and again. This semi-happy place you’re in is just a temporary thing until your husband causes yet another financial or PR crisis that forces you to move.

 

[judynurse]

Absolutely. If you’re staying in this disaster of a marriage then you lose the right to complain about it since staying is a choice you freely make every day that you don’t leave.

If you want the honest opinion of another mother, giving your son a home with a pool and a few friends over is nice and all, but I’d much rather give my children a stable family life. Frankly, your son has lived in 6 houses over the last 2 years directly because of your husband. And because of your husband he will very likely have to move again and again. This semi-happy place you’re in is just a temporary thing until your husband causes yet another financial or PR crisis that forces you to move.

Listen to this advice, Mega 1 !!! This is right on the bullseye! Same thing I’ve been telling you – now is the time to make a decisions necessary to make a home that is healthy for your son’s mental and emotional development. Where you are now will just make him grow up as a clone of your husband!

 

[The_Bucket]

Listen to this advice, Mega 1 !!! This is right on the bullseye! Same thing I’ve been telling you – now is the time to make a decisions necessary to make a home that is healthy for your son’s mental and emotional development. Where you are now will just make him grow up as a clone of your husband!

Quite right. Even if your son doesn’t like his father, he’ll still more than likely emulate at least some of his behaviors.

I told myself when I became an adult I would not be like my father. He was fabulously successful in the business world and flat-out sucked as a dad courtesy of his sex and pornography addiction. But guess what happened once real life punched me in the face with some tough stuff. Did I cling to the cross? For a bit, and then I let myself slide down into porn addiction and basically became a scaled-down and less successful version of my father.

I’m quite fortunate that my wife is not a co-dependent like my mother and forced me into making the decision to change. Now I have a 25 year head start in terms of my fight versus porn addiction and all the ancillary behaviors that come with it compared to my dad who descended far beyond that into frequenting strip clubs, affairs, all that hideous stuff.

In fairness, my father in the last few years has made a dramatic change that I can’t chalk up to being a con. I think he has had a genuine conversion. But the long-term damage is done to his kids. I am hopeful that his conversion is real and he spends the rest of his life continuing to do the real good he is doing in the world. I am confident that if the conversion is genuine that he has been forgiven by God and will get his reward despite being the laborer that came into the vineyard at 2pm.

That said, it is exceedingly difficult for me to forgive him because his actions had lasting effects on me. I do not blame him for the decisions I made. Those were my evil choices and mine alone. I had plenty of priests telling me to seek help when I confessed my sins and I refused. But I am pretty sure that without the start I got, I would never have journeyed down a dark path that hurt a lot of people.

 

[mega1]

I understand. I mean the cycle WILL continue unless we both change.

I know that I could say “I’m leaving, unless you go to therapy” and he WILL go. But the problem is I KNOW from past behavior that he will go only out of obligation and no real intent on changing long term.

I think what scares me most is that I am falling apart. I feel it. I feel numb. I don’t have the same passion for just about anything. I just don’t find excitement in anything.

I told myself that I would try to go to mass every day to see if I could find myself again. I don’t know what else to do. I feel so weak. And numb…

Praying for strength.

 

[judynurse]

I understand. I mean the cycle WILL continue unless we both change.

I know that I could say “I’m leaving, unless you go to therapy” and he WILL go. But the problem is I KNOW from past behavior that he will go only out of obligation and no real intent on changing long term.

I think what scares me most is that I am falling apart. I feel it. I feel numb. I don’t have the same passion for just about anything. I just don’t find excitement in anything.

I told myself that I would try to go to mass every day to see if I could find myself again. I don’t know what else to do. I feel so weak. And numb…

Praying for strength.

I think if you start going to daily Mass, it may help you a great deal in coming out of that “numb” feeling and begin to move forward toward a resolution. Remaining as you are now, with no apparent hope for improvement is not helping you. CONTINUE THE THERAPY, and begin discussing options with your therapist for getting out of the situation and how to help your son as well. (He may also need some therapy when you decide to end this situation which is destroying your hope and any future happiness). Discuss with the therapist about finding an attorney who is experienced in such situations and how to keep your son. I would also discuss with her how to cut down on your excessive hours on the job, so you will be able to be home with your son more, get custody of him (with visitation – supervised!!! with his Dad, so Dad doesn’t convince him you’re the “bad guy” in the scenario). I think you will find that if you aren’t working 60 - 70 hours a week, and get some regular DAYTIME hours on the job, your exhaustion will disappear, you’ll have lots of time with your son, and you can arrange either a babysitter or a childcare center for after school and during summer school breaks. Make certain that the childcare center you use WILL NOT let Dad take him out of the Center back to his place! Let him have the fancy house – he won’t keep it long. You can probably get out of the lease & leave it to your husband to make his own living arrangements – if he wants to keep the lease, he’ll have to pay the rent! Start with discussing plans and options with your therapist, and ABSOLUTELY start attending daily Mass - it will strengthen you. Once school is out, take your son with you to daily Mass. Discuss with the therapist how to approach your boss about getting more of a 9 - 5 job as far as hours of work are concerned. If you aren’t supporting a husband and a high cost fancy house, you would probably have more than enough income for you and your son to afford a nice rental house or apartment! Also, start putting your paycheck in ANOTHER BANK under your name only, and keep any bank statements, debit bank cards and other papers either at work or in a lock box at the bank! Discuss this also with your therapist. You have a lot of options, but one you don’t have is letting your husband have access to your money, paycheck, debit cards or credit cards. Ditto with any car that is in your name. Again, discuss these options with your therapist and get her advice on how to do these things. Daily Mass will clear your mind a lot, and help you to think more clearly about the future and your options. It would also be good if you get your son into a church - sponsored sports program which your husband DOES NOT COACH THE TEAM. Also, change the password on your computer and don’t leave it at home! Keep it either in your desk (locked) or in a bank box, so he can’t access it and take all the money out of your account!

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

Have you ever gotten around to reading “The Sociopath Next Door”? If your husband is a sociopath or uses coping strategies used by sociopaths (that is, if he operates entirely out of self-interest with no actual empathy for anyone else), then he is going to do exactly what he thinks will give himself the best outcome. He will not worry about fair or honest, he will not tell you what he really thinks but will use the words that get him what he wants, he will not worry about telling the truth, he will not worry about anyone else’s feelings, well-being, or future, he will not do what empathetic people come to expect other empathetic people to do.

IOW, things will be “stable” with him for exactly as long as “stable” works well for him. he will continue to try to manipulate you and your perception of the situation in his favor. You know this better than any of us, poor thing. Keep yourself in counselling, because you’ll need help to convince yourself that the reality right in front of your eyes really is real, rather than the bill of goods he keeps trying to sell you, instead. Don’t try to do this without help!

I’m glad I read this coz it’s a reminder that I need to keep seeing my ex for what he really is: a selfish jerk who only loves himself

 

[judynurse]

Clarification on my last post: I obviously don’t mean keep your computer in a bank box – but your passwords, along with your bank information. Have your paycheck deposited to the NEW account, which he cannot access, and have all statements sent to your job, or else electronically to the computer, which has a separate password for the bank account, and don’t leave that password in your purse or at home. Keep it either in your desk (locked if you can), or memorize and keep it written down in a bank box in YOUR NAME ONLY and your new bank account IN YOUR NAME ONLY, with the understanding that no one else can access it!! The Bank can only release info on your account to the IRS or by Court Order – not because he walks in and asks for the money, if his name is not on the authorization for the account! Ditto with paycheck receipts or stubs – keep in a small bank box. Also, keep the check book locked in your desk at work. If your desk doesn’t lock, get a small lock box at a store-- large envelope size, with a combination lock and put it in a drawer of your desk under some packages of paper. You can write any checks you need on break or lunch at work & mail them from there too. Keep your bank debit card there too, and only carry the cash you need for a couple of days at a time in your purse. If you do carry your debit card (a bad idea, with the likelihood he’ll find it) at least he can’t access it without your pin number, which will be locked in your desk or bank box! You already have plenty of proof that he can’t be trusted with money, or credit/debit cards.

 

[mega1]

Well today he came to me and said he needed to talk. That he realizes that he needs to look for a job and that he feels like a failure, because he can’t make enough money on his freelance work.

But says that he doesn’t know what to do… I told him that he hasn’t knocked on doors so to speak and that he could make anything work if he wanted it bay enough.

He said he is not a “knock on doors” kind of guy and he thinks his business attempts have failed.

However he said that the jobs he would be able to get… Wouldn’t pay very well. He wanted me to know that…

What do you make of this?

 

[dixieagle]

Well today he came to me and said he needed to talk. That he realizes that he needs to look for a job and that he feels like a failure, because he can’t make enough money on his freelance work.

But says that he doesn’t know what to do… I told him that he hasn’t knocked on doors so to speak and that he could make anything work if he wanted it bay enough.

He said he is not a “knock on doors” kind of guy and he thinks his business attempts have failed.

However he said that the jobs he would be able to get… Wouldn’t pay very well. He wanted me to know that…

What do you make of this?

What I make of this is that he is trying to make excuses for himself and gain sympathy, and also trying to shift some of the financial burden to you.

 

[mega1]

True. Very true. I often need that objective voice. I think the best of him.
I thought maybe he really acknowledged the situation and wanted to come clean.

I guess I should challenge him and just say okay … Then get a good job!

 

[grasscutter]

However he said that the jobs he would be able to get… Wouldn’t pay very well. He wanted me to know that…

What do you make of this?

I would say, “so what”? A job that doesn’t pay very well is still a job and an opportunity to demonstrate one’s work ethic and transferrable skills. Plus the networking opportunities…

Anyway a “job that doesn’t pay very well” pretty much describes 70% of the jobs out there. So, by his logic, those 70% of people shouldn’t bother working?!?

 

[mega1]

I told him to apply for everything and keep working his biz and just see what happens. That I think he should try everything.

He said the jobs he feels qualified for pay about $15.00 an hr.

He then said he wanted to ask his dad for a loan …

He then requested that “I” be his business coach.

 

[grasscutter]

I told him to apply for everything and keep working his biz and just see what happens. That I think he should try everything.

He said the jobs he feels qualified for pay about $15.00 an hr.

He then said he wanted to ask his dad for a loan …

He then requested that “I” be his business coach.

Honestly, he seriously needs to grow up. Whaa! Call the whaamublance! $15.00 per hour is more than $0.00 per hour.

 

[MJJean]

Well today he came to me and said he needed to talk. That he realizes that he needs to look for a job and that he feels like a failure, because he can’t make enough money on his freelance work.

But says that he doesn’t know what to do… I told him that he hasn’t knocked on doors so to speak and that he could make anything work if he wanted it bay enough.

He said he is not a “knock on doors” kind of guy and he thinks his business attempts have failed.

However he said that the jobs he would be able to get… Wouldn’t pay very well. He wanted me to know that…

What do you make of this?

He’s manipulating you. He wants you to tell him it’s ok to keep doing what he’s doing and he wants you to give him sympathy and tea while you do it.

If it were me, I’d tell him that I am sure he’ll be able to find a decent job very soon after he applies himself to the search and that his income will be sufficient whatever it is.

 

[MJJean]

I told him to apply for everything and keep working his biz and just see what happens. That I think he should try everything.

He said the jobs he feels qualified for pay about $15.00 an hr.

He then said he wanted to ask his dad for a loan …

He then requested that “I” be his business coach.

Further proof he is trying to manipulate you. You’ve told us of job offers he’s had that were dang reasonable and he turned them down because “they didn’t pay enough”. He wants you to agree with him and then take over all of the responsibility of his “home business” (which is a mess that isn’t breaking even if I remember right).

DO NOT FALL FOR IT!

 

[Sunbreak]

I told him to apply for everything and keep working his biz and just see what happens. That I think he should try everything.

He said the jobs he feels qualified for pay about $15.00 an hr.

He then said he wanted to ask his dad for a loan …

He then requested that “I” be his business coach.

There’s a lot of folks out there who would love to make $15 an hour. No, it may not be great compared to what you are making but it’s better than nothing. Your husband has a family and should take whatever job he can get, even at McDonald’s to contribute to the support of his family.
Don’t fall for him asking you to be his business coach. He is trying to make you responsible if he fails.

If you feel he will not go to counseling seriously and just use it to make it look likes he is doing something when he isn’t going to change, then give him ultimatums. Sit down and talk with him and say:
X, Y and Z need to change. I cannot continue this relationship if these things do not change. Give him a deadline to show some progress. If he doesn’t meet the deadline then follow through on separating. You have to do the hard stuff.

 

[mega1]

Well he went to a car dealership yesterday and came home with a “trial” car. It’s a lease. Thought it would reduce our car payment. But it would require us putting 3k down!

I said we can’t afford it. He said “I’m clearly and idiot. And an f’ing loser and we are broke!” And then stormed away from me. After telling me that he accidentally spilled coffee all over the inside of this brand new car we have on “trial”.

This is my Mother’s Day. He is so angry now. Says he’s a failure.

 

[mega1]

He has apologized and said that he realizes that he has “a habit of ruining all of my Mother’s Days” and he’s sorry…

But now we have a brand new car (trial) that we have to return that has damage. I told him to take it to car wash and they tried to get it out and couldn’t. The coffee stain is bad. We are probably going to have to pay for damages, I’m guessing?

And he still hasn’t addressed the fact that he exploded on me saying that “he’s a fu@king loser, and a failure” and stormed away from me.

I took our son rock climbing and had a great time… So I am learning.

 

[The_Bucket]

Didn’t take long for him to return to his manipulation, did it? Know what we did for Mother’s Day? Got my wife flowers, had the kids sign some cards, made her an omelette for breakfast and did a bunch of yard work she wanted done. That’s what normal dads and husbands do. Nothing special by me!

 

[mega1]

Yes I know… He took me to brunch. He said “why are you so quiet”. I avoided the question in front of our son and he pressed me at the restaurant. I said “we had kind of a rough morning”. He then got quiet. Wouldn’t speak. Silent treatment.

We came home and I asked to speak with him. I told him how disappointed I felt. He said he apologized and he needs me to stop rubbing it in and bringing it up.

I was within millimeters so to speak to tell him to get out of our house. To leave.

I just didn’t. I don’t know why I still feel so scared to kick him out.