Would you consider this abusive or extreme?

[agnes_therese]

I told him to apply for everything and keep working his biz and just see what happens. That I think he should try everything.

He said the jobs he feels qualified for pay about $15.00 an hr.

He then said he wanted to ask his dad for a loan …

He then requested that “I” be his business coach.

Do NOT agree to be his “business coach.” I can tell you exactly what will happen – he’ll manage to sabotage all opportunities, and because you’re his “coach,” it will be your fault.

 

[AussieTrish]

I was within millimeters so to speak to tell him to get out of our house. To leave.

I just didn’t. I don’t know why I still feel so scared to kick him out.

It’s unknown territory for you, therefore scary, because the consequences are both good and bad.

From his viewpoint he needs the status-quo, as he needs you basically to support him, to be tied to him so that he can continue his chosen life. puddling along. ( I suppose that dilemma has many times been the fear of the wife rather than the husband, where his is the main or only real income). He will fight for that to continue even if by apologies and manipulation, and he’d fight all the harder if he saw he was losing you, or had lost you and hoped to get you back.

How irresponsible to go get a new car when you can’t afford it. Was the coffee spill deliberate? What was he doing, having coffee in a car that doesn’t belong to him, and only spilling it in that car? I’m probably being unkind but I don’t feel trust for what has been portrayed of him. Why would he get the car behind your back. My husband is a manly man, but never would make such a purchase or commitment of such a major item as a car without discussing it with me. Wouldn’t that be normal?

You are detaching little by little as is evident through this thread. Is that a good thing? Both good and troubling, but who knows if taking the risk of separation would jolt him into a more responsible and generous approach to marriage? At age 33? I wonder. Would he just continue to try to use the so-far effective buttons to push in you, enhanced by the button-push of your son. Or is it the only trigger, that if you didn’t weaken, might propel him into true adulthood? Childhood conditioning of an over-indulgent mother, is it easily/ever really overcome?

When there is no child the decision is simpler, but you do share a child and that’s forever, so only God has all the answers. Does God intend us to battle through knowing few if any marriages are easy and always fair, and that our salvation paths aren’t always what we might have hoped. We can never answer definitively for anyone else.

Anyway prayers for you again.

 

[mega1]

He is 42. I’m 38. I do believe the coffee spill was an accident. But he set off world war 3 by being so angry over his mistake. And when I suggested he go get it shampooed ASAP, he got mad at ME.

He stArted blaming the car dealership for not taking the car back yesterday etc. it’s like, it is NOT the dealer’s fault for YOU spilling coffee in the 2015 car!

He got the car on trial. And then told me AFTER taking it on trial that he isn’t making enough money in his biz and he’s terrified. Like I said before … Wanted me to be his biz coach. I said no so he started taking about HIRING one.

And tonight he told me that we owe the IRS 9k, due to biz expenses etc.

I don’t know how we are going to pay for all of this. And it really will be in my lap.

 

[AussieTrish]

He knew this and yet still went to out to buy a car, and he’s 42! There not any excuse of being a youth who just makes mistakes and misjudgements.

He can’t have seen his accountant on Mother’s Day so he already knew of the $9000 debt? It appears deceitful to keep the debt from you and to go out to buy the car behind your back. It seems that he seems to want you to be his mother and acts like an irresponsible youth.
There appears to be something seriously wrong there.

I guess you just have to accept this man will continue sabotaging you and fluffing around, or you’ll have to take the risk of sending him back to his mom and managing your own life.
I suspect you may reach that point as you have been moving towards it.
One day his behavior may push you too far, because you’ve already come close.

May God guide you with love and wisdom towards whatever outcome is best in His sight.

 

[judynurse]

He is 42. I’m 38. I do believe the coffee spill was an accident. But he set off world war 3 by being so angry over his mistake. And when I suggested he go get it shampooed ASAP, he got mad at ME.

He stArted blaming the car dealership for not taking the car back yesterday etc. it’s like, it is NOT the dealer’s fault for YOU spilling coffee in the 2015 car!

He got the car on trial. And then told me AFTER taking it on trial that he isn’t making enough money in his biz and he’s terrified. Like I said before … Wanted me to be his biz coach. I said no so he started taking about HIRING one.

And tonight he told me that we owe the IRS 9k, due to biz expenses etc.

I don’t know how we are going to pay for all of this. And it really will be in my lap.

You mean for HIS business expenses??? Expenses are DEDUCTIONS, not INCOME. If you filed your own IRS & pay it – let him pay for his own. If you move out of the high cost house – then HE can file for bankruptcy or grow up, get a job and pay his bills and his taxes. Hopefully, your name is NOT on HIS business. Your IRS owed on your income is taken from your paychecks, and you only owe anything not deducted from your check. (Also anything you may have earned from an outside self-employed job, but you can claim both yourself and your son, so that should lower it quite a bit). If you are supporting him and have the income/expenses to prove it, you can claim HIM as a dependent, just as many husbands claim their wives on filing taxes. Don’t know how he figures YOU owe 9K in taxes, unless you’re making around a million a year or well over $500,000 anyway. And anyway business expenses are a deduction. In fact, when my Mom had her business, for 5 years the IRS considered it a hobby, as the income was below the expenses!

 

[esieffe]

You don’t have the power to make him feel like a loser, he does. He crossed a line when he fought with you in front of your son, in my mind.

Its hard to make a call with one episode which we can take out of context easily. If this is a typical day in your life, I would insist on anger management classes, counseling, and maybe a short vacation apart to think things over.

You don’t want you son to be educated in the ways of verbal abuse. I hope this not the case. I hope you guys have more good times than bad. Does he love you and your son? He can’t heal till he admit he has a problem and is willing to do something about it.

 

[esieffe]

Well he went to a car dealership yesterday and came home with a “trial” car. It’s a lease. Thought it would reduce our car payment. But it would require us putting 3k down!

I said we can’t afford it. He said “I’m clearly and idiot. And an f’ing loser and we are broke!” And then stormed away from me. After telling me that he accidentally spilled coffee all over the inside of this brand new car we have on “trial”.

This is my Mother’s Day. He is so angry now. Says he’s a failure.

He needs to strap on a pair of ====s and get a job. 15.00 would be great in today’s economy. Don’t pamper him. Have the cable cut off. That’s what I did. Internet connection only. That can be used for job search. No vacation, no nothing till a job comes up.

You and I are too much alike. We are caretakers. It will take a while, but eventually you’ll get tired of this mess. This guy has issues, you can’t fix. You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it. Is he a Mama’s boy?

I really hate it for you. I will include you in my intentions.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I would see a lawyer and accountant and file papers to protect yourself and your son from his debt. That’s what I would do. But I would have been out the door a long time ago. The mess about the car is maybe an act of desperation as he may realize your wising up and it’s his attempt to draw you closing in, get what he can while your still there or just make you feel like you’re obilgated to stay. In any case this guys sounds like a piece of work. You have to make a decision soon or later for you I hope it’s sooner. For the record I live in a modest house, without cable or internet and have been without cable for 12 years and internet for 5 years and survive just fine. I’d rather not have the bills. If he took the car out in his name I’d let him pay for it. Legally I don’t think he could sign you name on something like that without your knowledge but I could be wrong and it may depend on the state you live in. Prayers.

 

[Marysann]

Mega1, I hope that the reason we haven’t heard from you in a couple of days is because you are busy with your lawyer, account, and the IRS. This car business should be the last straw. Your husband is trying to tie you to him with debt.

 

[mega1]

Well, he took the car back. He KNEW we couldn’t afford it and he told me it wasn’t possible after telling me his work wasn’t going so well, after all.

He didn’t try to push for it, but I couldn’t understand why he would even go and look in the first place AND take it on a weekend trial . The car could only be in HIS name because I don’t have credit. It is destroyed.

So a day has passed… He says he followed up w a few people. He did not apply for any jobs (that I’m aware of) and he was very upset that I had to work through my dinner break last night… Because he went to the store and got ingredients for my favorite salad.

See how there is so much … Don’t look over here…, look over HERE! I’m really nice and accommodating…

Yes I have called the lawyer. Now I just have to figure our what I’m going to do…

 

[Sunbreak]

So a day has passed… He says he followed up w a few people. He did not apply for any jobs (that I’m aware of) and he was very upset that I had to work through my dinner break last night… Because he went to the store and got ingredients for my favorite salad.

See how there is so much … Don’t look over here…, look over HERE! I’m really nice and accommodating…

Yes I have called the lawyer. Now I just have to figure our what I’m going to do…

If he follows up on jobs, that is not being accommodating, that is what he is supposed to do as a husband and a father.
If he didn’t apply for jobs, he isn’t taking his responsibilities seriously.
Mature adults don’t get “very upset” if their spouse has to work through a dinner break. He should just have accepted that it is part of what you have to do.
Just because he went to the store and got ingredients for you favorite salad doesn’t prove he is really nice. It shows he may be trying to manipulate you by playing on your emotions and distracting you from the real issues.

 

[mega1]

Well he has made calls to try and get more business. But, I told him I think at the same time he should be Applying for jobs. That hasn’t happened yet.

And yes he has become Mr Mom. We have full role reversal. He is making my dinner for me when I stop home and he is trying to act very positive.

I have already told him we should bite the bullet and move into an apartment or something and he says no. He won’t support it. He has valid points. I don’t want to move our son again.

But here is some good news! My side business is finally coming alive.

I MAY be on the verge on making his annual salary in the next MONTH. I don’t expect it to be a consistent payment but it may be a great lump sum.

I think I need to file paperwork before I receive it so my husband doesn’t get half of it.

I know he will FREAK out because he did do some freelance work toward it. But this could allow me to stay in the same house w our son. And let him leave and I wouldn’t need his help (for at least a year or so at least).

I really have to get this together fast.

 

[AussieTrish]

Yes, you should protect your interests I think. This does mean he has to step up to a more responsible mind-frame.
We can’t change our spouses but we can influence them by the way we react.

I can tell you that the early years with my husband were often horrible and miserable for me, but he has grown into a much kinder more thoughtful man. It can happen.
Many people, including family, though we wouldn’t last, and even that we shouldn’t.
It’s 95% better than it was in the early years.
For this I thank God, and am grateful that despite the pain, where I used to cry privately every day, but I gradually found strength and wisdom, he’s a nice, kind man now.

Maybe by changing things in finding your own strength you can help him gradually to grow into the man you’d hoped you were marrying.

God grant that
Trish

 

[mega1]

Well, after speaking w a lawyer and my therapist, I think the only way I will end up carrying through with this … Is just filing and not giving it to him in person. I’m concerned he will make me go back on my decision… As this is NOT easy for me.

However, I also know… If i do this in that fashion… He is going to freak out. I know him well enough to realize this isn’t going to make him kinder and more responsible. Filing divorce will make him crazy. Every time we have talked about it… It had been “I’ve never been good enough for you…” “I’m a loser and this is just the last confirmation”. “I will never be the person you wanted…”

I’m preparing myself…

 

[agnes_therese]

Make sure you talk to the lawyer about protecting your current $$$, as well as what may be coming in the future. There’s no telling what your husband might try.

 

[The_Bucket]

Make sure you talk to the lawyer about protecting your current $$$, as well as what may be coming in the future. There’s no telling what your husband might try.

Quite right. Get the lawyer and maybe an accountant in there. Husband seems to be good at emotional manipulation, but I doubt he’ll be able to pull any law-related tricks. No offense intended, but he doesn’t seem sharp enough to do that.

 

[AussieTrish]

I’ll be praying for your husband and you, and especially for your son.
May God have things resolve in whatever way is in accord with His purposes.

 

[Luvz2travel]

y. Every time we have talked about it… It had been “I’ve never been good enough for you…” “I’m a loser and this is just the last confirmation”. “I will never be the person you wanted…”

I’m preparing myself…

Yes instead of being the adult it seems he trys to deflect any guilt or responsibility to you. A marriage is two people not just one. Anytime he starts that stuff just remind yourself he’s trying to push your buttons to control you. Don’t let him. Don’t try to get into war of words with him it’s not worth the time.

I had to learn to shut off my emotional response to such people and save it for later. I tend to think about things nowdays before I react which is sometimes good sometimes bad but it’s saves a lot of regret later. Maybe it’s a reaction to being bullied quite bad as a kid when you take a lot of abuse you develope a tougher outer core. I’d rather not give the bully or manipulator the power control my reaction.

Prayers.

 

[mega1]

Well, I truly believe that he thinks that poorly of himself. He is always negative on himself when things don’t go his way OR he will blame others.

I haven’t pushed anything over the past coupe days and he is just quiet and passive.

No outbursts.

 

[danavee]

Well, I truly believe that he thinks that poorly of himself. He is always negative on himself when things don’t go his way OR he will blame others.

This is a very common manipulation tactic. People do it because they know putting themselves down is likely to make you want to reassure them about their good points (which, in turn, reminds you about their good points) The fact he is prone to blaming others is a red flag that it’s just one of his tools to manipulate you (people who have poor self-esteem are more likely to blame themselves for something that’s not their fault than to blame someone else for something that is their own doing)

A verbally abusive ex-boyfriend of mine used to pull the old “I’m worthless. I’m not good enough for you. You deserve so much better than me” card. He knew he’d be able to guilt me into falling into a protective, reassuring caretaker role if he did. Like you, for a long time I assumed he would have to think very little of himself to say things like that.

Well, come the messy end of our relationship, I’d had enough and the last time he ever tried the “I’m no good, etc. etc.” tactic- I agreed with him. I outright told him, “You’re right. I do deserve better than being insulted, belittled, and screamed at constantly. If you can’t treat me like a human being then, no, you aren’t good enough for me.” It was like I’d flipped a light switch and he immediately changed to ranting about how lucky I was to have someone like him and how, if I left, I’d never be able to find another boyfriend who would do the things for me that he did. Turns out his self-esteem was just fine and, like all manipulators, when one psychological ploy stopped working he just moved on to the next.