Would you do this to your spouse?

[mega1]

Yes we went through counseling several times. We also met with a priest who basically told us we needed to start having sex more and things would improve. (I was not happy).

Truly this is tip of the iceberg but there’s a consistent theme. He just seems to need his hand held. And he’s extremely picky.

And tbh one of the worst things is I realize my morales have collapsed… I am not growing closer to God because of him. I am further away.

He’s currently angry with me tOnight because I told him that I delayed the move and that I’m trying to get a replacement tenant so we can find a house we both agree on.

He works part time and cares for our son from 3 until bedtime. I work 10:30 am to 10pm. I’m breadwinner. And I’m very tired of carrying the load and I’m just burning out. I’m working very hard and doing well w my new job… But my husband told me today that I should demand 3 days of comp time because I am working so hard. He’s so out of touch. Thinks I could just throw my weight around. I’m 4 months into this new job.

I’m just tired and really frustrated. I don’t know what to do. But my current status isn’t working.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Moving brings out the crazy in people. Take a deep breath and ask God to be there.

Prioritize. Movers seems more important than utilities. Focus attention there and don’t stress the utilities. However, there may be a real good chance both are easy to do. Praise God first & your husband second if there is time. Should time run out, ask forgivness of yourself first, husband second, and praise God for what ever grace he man bring from this change of plans. You may also want to download the song, “Bare Necessities” and bellow it.

Regardless of past with your husband, search for three things positive about him daily. Dream positive dreams that would elevate him and you.

 

[St_Francis]

Put off the move. Move to the place you want to move to. He can move to the place he signed the lease on if he wants to. You are the one who is basically making all the money in the family and by golly, you should get to choose the place your money is going to pay the rent on.

He can move in with you and your son when he is ready to pay for half the family’s expenses. Until then, he’s on his own.

As far as I can tell, you are afraid of making him angry… why? If he wasn’t around, your life would be better planned and you could handle everything, as you now are, and you could handle it better because you would have planned it. You are working 10 or more hours a day for what? To put up with his baloney? To placate him so he won’t get angry? He’s sitting in the catbird seat and you are the one working your fingers to the bone so he can sit there! YOU are the one who should be angry!!! He should be apologizing to you for certain past misdeeds and he should be kissing the ground you walk on that you haven’t kicked him out long ago!!!

I understand thinking that a man should be the leader of the home and the wife should be submissive–I do. But he has delegated a lot of the responsibilities that he should be carrying to you. You are like a person who has responsibility but no authority, but the reality is that the only reason he has the authority is that you let him have it.

Take that authority away from him. He doesn’t do what he is supposed to do, which is to be the leader, but more importantly, *to love his wife as Christ loves His Church. *Christ *died *for His Church. Your husband is not even willing to work with you, much less for you!

Put your foot down! Either he will pull himself together or he will leave forever, but what is your son learning about how a man behaves? What is he learning about how a husband treats his wife?

 

[St_Francis]

I responded in anger on your behalf in my previous post, and realized that there is an alternate path to suggest for you. I wrote that your are like a person with respinsibility and no authority so you should take the authority… but you also have the option of relinquishing the responsibility. You could give up your job and doing all the things you do to “support” your husband in his “work” that you have described in the past and just expect him to do what he is supposed to do. You take care of the house (which you hate but will move into because he will go out and make the rent money) and your son and you will do helpful things but not enabling things: you will do things which will help and encourage him do a better job and you will refrain from doing the things which enable him to do bad things or refrain from doing good things.

IOW, helping is when the person is trying to improve and you help, and enabling is when a person is trying to do a bad thing or avoid doing a good thing and you help. It’s the difference between lending your friend a car so she can go to a job interview or lending the dar so she can go buy drugs. It’s calling an alcoholic husband’s job when he has laryngitus to tell them he’s sick or calling him in sick when he’s actually hungover.

In truth, you need to do something. The first thing I suggested should not be done in anger and I was wrong to present it that way, I apologize. The seond is fraught with danger and may totally not be right for your situation.

You two seem to be muddling along together and some of your more major problems may be resolving? Are things between you two improving at all --a question for you to consider, not to answer here (there should be a word for that!).

 

[kmuestwin]

It sounds like you are both being unreasonable just to spite each other.

When is the cycle of aggravation going to end?

Obviously a move is going to be stressful. A move is one of the most stressful things a person can do. You need to try and step back from this situation and get an idea of what you’re really arguing about.

I don’t think your fight is about scheduling, I don’t think your fight is about the house, and I don’t think your fight is about the work situation.

Your fights come from a lack of communication. Neither of you seem to know how to talk to each other. Don’t accept that!

 

[Petaro]

Sounds very much like a codependent relationship that needs professional assistance. May Christ be there for you both.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

That’s a bit sexist. Didn’t St Paul say that the spouses should belong to each other, not just the wife to the husband?

I think marriage needs to be an equal partnership. When one party is totally dominant over the other I think that causes problems most of the time.

The OP’s husband sounds like he’s quite stubborn.

 

[Cat]

I haven’t followed your other posts, so perhaps I’m missing something here.

I don’t understand why you are apprehensive about having movers come in. It’s great! and it’s fun!–you just sit in a chair with a soothing beverage and magazine and watch them work! They pack up everything (even dirty diapers) and haul it out to their big truck while you relax. You probably won’t have to do or say anything. Good times!

Same for a utility hookup. You don’t have to do anything, just let the utility workers in, and sit back while they work. They don’t expect or want any conversation or interaction with you.

Do you have some kind of anxiety disorder? I don’t understand why you say that you can’t handle these two things. Maybe your husband feels the same way I do–he doesn’t understand why these two things are stressful for you. If you have an anxiety disorder or some other condition, he needs to be made to understand why any new situation will cause you great stress. And I assume that you, in turn, are working on learning how to deal with new situations instead of cancelling them.

 

[lapislazuli]

the realtor sent an email “docusign” lease…and my husband signed on my behalf…

I did not forbid him from doing it prior to… but he knows I’m miserable

is this legal?

I agree with 1ke. nothing will change until your husband gets help. to previous posters, her husband is irresponsible with money and demands she work to pay all the bills to the point that they are considering bankruptcy, where he’s asked her to lie about their assets. he is also not responsible about their dog who has bitten people. but their son is attached to him and he’s a good father evidently so it’s complicated.

to me - and I have bipolar disorder - he sounds impulsive and attached to getting/doing what he wants. I can’t say there’s a diagnosis about that, but those are sometimes issues with bipolar. it’s hard to change these things without help.

sorry you have to deal with all this

 

[mega1]

The problem is the house isn’t fully packed. So I have to orchestrate the move, finish packing the house, show the house to a prospective tenant at 9:30, be at the new house from 11 to 1…
All the while I am supposed to be at WORK by 11.

It’s not an anxiety disorder. It’s a recipe for disaster. That’s my opinion.

He asked me If I’d like him to bring up some empty boxes … For packing before he leaves.

When I told him I was going to cancel/delay the move he was very angry. He told me that it wasn’t fair to the movers!

 

[St_Francis]

That’s a bit sexist. Didn’t St Paul say that the spouses should belong to each other, not just the wife to the husband?

I think marriage needs to be an equal partnership. When one party is totally dominant over the other I think that causes problems most of the time.

The OP’s husband sounds like he’s quite stubborn.

The impression I have from her previous posts makes me think this might be the case.

Annie

 

[mega1]

Well I went ahead and canceled. Turns out a rain storm was coming so the movers weren’t upset. My husband, on the other hand, was quite angry.

And he’s NOT happy that I am still considering abandoning the house he chose and trying to get into another. He has come up with every excuse as to why it won’t work. It’s actually 4 miles from my work, which would help me tremendously to see our son on my dinner break. But it’s also about a 15 min drive from son’s school. I told him I will bite the bullet and get up earlier and get him to school. He said no way…

It is all very complicated. Truth is I am delaying this move because I am so scared to commit to another house… With my husband.

My own employer sought him out (he’s known for his talents in his niche) and asked me to have him apply for a job in his area of expertise. That was last week. They even emailed him the application. He hasn’t even done that.

He HAS booked a couple of freelance jobs because he wants to about a REAL job.

 

[maryjk]

You already know the answer to your questions. Based on this and previous posts your husband has serious mental health issues. You need professional help to get perspective on your next steps in this marriage.

Instead of telling everyone here, everything he does, you need professional help.

 

[Cricket2]

Yes we went through counseling several times. We also met with a priest who basically told us we needed to start having sex more and things would improve. (I was not happy).

Truly this is tip of the iceberg but there’s a consistent theme. He just seems to need his hand held. And he’s extremely picky.

And tbh one of the worst things is I realize my morales have collapsed… I am not growing closer to God because of him. I am further away.

He’s currently angry with me tOnight because I told him that I delayed the move and that I’m trying to get a replacement tenant so we can find a house we both agree on.

He works part time and cares for our son from 3 until bedtime. I work 10:30 am to 10pm. I’m breadwinner. And I’m very tired of carrying the load and I’m just burning out. I’m working very hard and doing well w my new job… But my husband told me today that I should demand 3 days of comp time because I am working so hard. He’s so out of touch. Thinks I could just throw my weight around. I’m 4 months into this new job.

I’m just tired and really frustrated. I don’t know what to do. But my current status isn’t working.

This is not a healthy marriage. I know we are not to head in the direction of a divorce, but from what I have read here, by you and others who know more than I do, you are being abused and your son is too. It need not be physical abuse to be wrong.

The Priest you mention is way off line, and yes everyone, I do think some Priests have no business being Priests. I don’t know how long you have been married, but this may be a point at which you demand a temporary separation so you can get counseling and see if he will change his ways. If he persists in walking all over you like a dead dog there may be grounds for an annulment…And folks I know people work out a lot of things, but there are times when enough is enough.

Trying a 6 month separation WITH counseling might be enough to rattle his cage a bit and let him know you mean business. Marriage is a partnership, not a Dictatorship of one spouse over the other. Start thinking of your son’s mindset and psychological well fare in all of this and make choices for his benefit above all else.

 

[maryjk]

Thanks to ALL of you for your insight and support.

I went to the therapist…he was pretty good. Obviously, it takes some time to know for sure. I tried to telling him in a nutshell…what was going on. Not easy in a short time.

He was VERY cut to the chase. In the middle of all of my babbling, he stopped me and asked if I still want to be married? I answered…“I don’t know why I can’t seem to get the courage to leave and that’s what I want to work on.”

He was quick to say > Ok…I’ve established your husband is unreliable and not a proper “teammate”. I guess it doesn’t take much work to make that assessment.

He said it was his opinion that the marriage was dead and that I am getting too caught up with the emotional drama …instead of finding clarity in my end game.

He said …if I wanted to try to work on the marriage and make it better… and establish better boundaries…he would talk with me about that…but that he wasn’t hearing me fighting for the marriage. At the very least, I told stories of how I TRIED to stop enabling and delegating…and that my husband couldn’t handle it.

So…I’m going back Wednesday for another session. He said at the very minimum…he would say I need AT LEAST weekly therapy. He was shocked I Haven’t resorted to being a drunk or drugs.

So…that’s where I stand. Husband is being very nice today (again) and I got him another freelance job today …just a friend of a friend called me and I hooked him up.

I grabbed this post from your other thread.

Remember this? Your therapist told you that you were too caught up in the emotional drama.

That is what this is. The moving, him making the appointments. It isn’t the problem. It is emotional drama. And finding a solution to it won’t fix the real problem.

Take a step back. Look at the big picture. Then figure out what you want to do to fix the real problem.

 

[RoseMary131]

Mega1: “At the very least, I told stories of how I TRIED to stop enabling.”

Have you joined a Support Group for Codependency and Enabling? Maybe the people in one of these groups would be of great help to you.

Remember: The only one you can change is yourself. Accepting your husband is who he is… then how will you react to his issues is your choice.

 

[Cricket2]

The problem is the house isn’t fully packed. So I have to orchestrate the move, finish packing the house, show the house to a prospective tenant at 9:30, be at the new house from 11 to 1…
All the while I am supposed to be at WORK by 11.

It’s not an anxiety disorder. It’s a recipe for disaster. That’s my opinion.

He asked me If I’d like him to bring up some empty boxes … For packing before he leaves.

When I told him I was going to cancel/delay the move he was very angry. He told me that it wasn’t fair to the movers!

My dear: Your “husband” needs to grow up. As I stated before I think it is time to live without him for a while. His return would be dependent on the following (if it was me)

1. Get a full-time job and keep it. If he quits after coming back, time for another separation.
2. Marriage counseling together, and not with a Priest who thinks the answer lies in more sex. There wouldn’t be any in my case. Abstinence would be practiced as the only sure way to avoid another pregnancy until our relationship was more stable and equal.
3. As the current primary bread winner, I would not agree to any new leases under his terms. I would decide and for now I would pick a small two bedroom apartment. If he wants a house he has to have a job and pay half of ALL expenses.
4. If there are joint credit cards, cancel them. (All) Start paying them off and stop using them. I have the suspicion that most of your dept is from his use. (Just a thought.) If so, don’t let him increase it one penny more.
5. You mention his anger all the time, which indicates a level of fear on your part. You better decide if that is worth being with him. Eventually chronic anger will lead to physical abuse. If he ever physically abuses you or your son…call it done…as in over, over, over.

You are in an abusive relationship and your son is learning this behavior from his father. Put you and your son first in you life. And in case you think you can somehow change your husband under this current arrangement, you can’t. He needs to grow up and the only way he will do that is if he is required too.

 

[agnes_therese]

This sums it up SO well, mega1. Yes, marriage is supposed to be “til death do us part.” But what you’ve described, in this and other threads, is not a real marriage. He’s using you, controlling you, abusing you.

Someone may have already said this, but here’s my suggestion – sit down with a piece of paper. Draw a line down the middle. At the top of one side, put “PRO.” At the top of the other side, put “CON.” On the Pro side, put all the good things about your marriage, reasons you want to stay with him. On the Con side, put all the bad things, the reasons you don’t want to or shouldn’t stay.

One side’s going to be much longer. I think that may help clarify your thinking. Because that’s what you HAVE to start doing – thinking, not just reacting.

My dear: Your “husband” needs to grow up. As I stated before I think it is time to live without him for a while. His return would be dependent on the following (if it was me)

1. Get a full-time job and keep it. If he quits after coming back, time for another separation.
2. Marriage counseling together, and not with a Priest who thinks the answer lies in more sex. There wouldn’t be any in my case. Abstinence would be practiced as the only sure way to avoid another pregnancy until our relationship was more stable and equal.
3. As the current primary bread winner, I would not agree to any new leases under his terms. I would decide and for now I would pick a small two bedroom apartment. If he wants a house he has to have a job and pay half of ALL expenses.
4. If there are joint credit cards, cancel them. (All) Start paying them off and stop using them. I have the suspicion that most of your dept is from his use. (Just a thought.) If so, don’t let him increase it one penny more.
5. You mention his anger all the time, which indicates a level of fear on your part. You better decide if that is worth being with him. Eventually chronic anger will lead to physical abuse. If he ever physically abuses you or your son…call it done…as in over, over, over.

You are in an abusive relationship and your son is learning this behavior from his father. Put you and your son first in you life. And in case you think you can somehow change your husband under this current arrangement, you can’t. He needs to grow up and the only way he will do that is if he is required too.

 

[cheezey]

**Put off the move. Move to the place you want to move to. He can move to the place he signed the lease on if he wants to. You are the one who is basically making all the money in the family and by golly, you should get to choose the place your money is going to pay the rent on.

He can move in with you and your son when he is ready to pay for half the family’s expenses. Until then, he’s on his own.**

As far as I can tell, you are afraid of making him angry… why? If he wasn’t around, your life would be better planned and you could handle everything, as you now are, and you could handle it better because you would have planned it. You are working 10 or more hours a day for what? To put up with his baloney? To placate him so he won’t get angry? He’s sitting in the catbird seat and you are the one working your fingers to the bone so he can sit there! YOU are the one who should be angry!!! He should be apologizing to you for certain past misdeeds and he should be kissing the ground you walk on that you haven’t kicked him out long ago!!!

I understand thinking that a man should be the leader of the home and the wife should be submissive–I do. But he has delegated a lot of the responsibilities that he should be carrying to you. You are like a person who has responsibility but no authority, but the reality is that the only reason he has the authority is that you let him have it.

Take that authority away from him. He doesn’t do what he is supposed to do, which is to be the leader, but more importantly, *to love his wife as Christ loves His Church. *Christ *died *for His Church. Your husband is not even willing to work with you, much less for you!

Put your foot down! Either he will pull himself together or he will leave forever, but what is your son learning about how a man behaves? What is he learning about how a husband treats his wife?

My dear: Your “husband” needs to grow up. As I stated before I think it is time to live without him for a while. His return would be dependent on the following (if it was me)

1. Get a full-time job and keep it. If he quits after coming back, time for another separation.
2. Marriage counseling together, and not with a Priest who thinks the answer lies in more sex. There wouldn’t be any in my case. Abstinence would be practiced as the only sure way to avoid another pregnancy until our relationship was more stable and equal.
3. As the current primary bread winner, I would not agree to any new leases under his terms. I would decide and for now I would pick a small two bedroom apartment. If he wants a house he has to have a job and pay half of ALL expenses.
4. If there are joint credit cards, cancel them. (All) Start paying them off and stop using them. I have the suspicion that most of your dept is from his use. (Just a thought.) If so, don’t let him increase it one penny more.
5. You mention his anger all the time, which indicates a level of fear on your part. You better decide if that is worth being with him. Eventually chronic anger will lead to physical abuse. If he ever physically abuses you or your son…call it done…as in over, over, over.

You are in an abusive relationship and your son is learning this behavior from his father. Put you and your son first in you life. And in case you think you can somehow change your husband under this current arrangement, you can’t. He needs to grow up and the only way he will do that is if he is required too.

One, you have my sympathies and prayers.
Two, are you married to my ex? It sounds like deja vu to me. Seriously, just about down to the nub. I did all the moving details as he sat doing nothing in another state.
(I did enjoy steak as I LIKE it while he was gone, though.)
Three, it seems you are indeed in an abusive relationship.
You see above what I did about it.
One slight difference.
He drove me into a utility pole. About 100 fractures to my chest. For HIS irresponsibilties.
I beg you to go with your frustrations/instincts and do what is best for YOU because this is not a marriage.

By the way, I rather doubt there is anything fun about moving.Most especially a move as unnecessarily disorganized as this would be without help.

 

[mega1]

I see that there is a lot of merit to what’s been posted here…thank you so much for your support and insight.

I was driving around this morning and realizing that I just don’t know what to do. I said a few prayers…as I have found myself so distant from God, as of late.
I need consistent prayer and I’m trying to remind myself of that…

If I don’t go into this new lease with my husband…we are in danger of being responsible for that lease – until they found a replacement tenant. So, now, I am really in a bind.

And I am now left to make sure that the legal process is followed in our current lease that we got out of …because my husband is making a huge case about the mold.

And consistent what the therapist told me… I have been trying to delegate things to my husband and I told him he could handle renewing our healthcare/open enrollment. He is very into that…and he checked it out and I told him I supported his choice. Well, I discovered this morning that he never submitted it. It’s through my employer. So, we nearly got dropped…I kissed some butt and got my old plan back but we nearly LOST HEALTHCARE because he “forgot” and then he tried to tell me that It was my fault because I didn’t call him last night and remind him of the deadline. He’s had 2 weeks.

So…yes…there is the list. Pro/Con. He’s a good father to our son…he seems to enjoy going to his sporting events etc. He truly has become the “mother” in this dynamic. I work all the time. I rarely see our son except for in the morning and on a quick dinner break. My husband picks him up from school. We do eat dinner together…but he puts him to bed around 8. I guess I shouldn’t beat myself up so much…but I truly worry what I would do if we seperated.

I am never around in the afternoon/evening. I would need a live in nanny. And I think…isn’t it better for me to just suck it up and allow my son to have his father as his primary caregiver? I’m certainly not happy…but for our son’s sake…isn’t it best for me to put myself last?

My husband and son are very happy. I am not…but does it matter? I would feel tremendous guilt if I were to break up that happiness.