Would you do this to your spouse?

[cheezey]

Isn’t it likely that your son would notice your unhappiness?
Your issues are between you and your husband.
Though not easy, keeping the happiness between father and son need not come at the expense of yours.
In my opinion.

 

[agnes_therese]

And I think…isn’t it better for me to just suck it up and allow my son to have his father as his primary caregiver? I’m certainly not happy…but for our son’s sake…isn’t it best for me to put myself last?

And let your son grow up thinking that a man abusing his wife, as your husband does you, is normal and acceptable?

 

[cheezey]

And let your son grow up thinking that a man abusing his wife, as your husband does you, is normal and acceptable?

 

[mega1]

Well, do you truly think what I’ve described is “abuse”? Maybe I’m so far into it…I can’t see it 100 percent.

I’m not trying to defend him. Trust me. But I want objective feedback so I will say that he DOES bring in money. He is doing freelance work…although he relies on me to try and recruit his work. But when it comes to him… he will do the work.

Also, he cares for our son…picks him up from school…makes sure his homework is done.

He makes meals etc. And he has done a much better job of saving money …in the last 2 months.

He says he loves me very much. I guess I just don’t see it as “abuse” …yet more of a role reversal. Although, I will admit I started crying last week (which I never do) and I told him that I was SO upset and depressed that all I do is work and that I am bankrupt…forced to move…and just feel like I can’t get out of the hole. His response led to him pointing out that while he has applied for the city job (pay 70k)…that he would prefer he keep the same situation he’s in and work freelance.

Maybe I’m giving him too much credit? I just see that he’s a very smart man…who is childish and immature.

 

[Xantippe]

mega1 said:

“I guess I just don’t see it as “abuse” …yet more of a role reversal. Although, I will admit I started crying last week (which I never do) and I told him that I was SO upset and depressed that all I do is work and that I am bankrupt…forced to move…and just feel like I can’t get out of the hole. His response led to him pointing out that while he has applied for the city job (pay 70k)…that he would prefer he keep the same situation he’s in and work freelance.”

You don’t need more money. If he were on your team, and committed to your family’s welfare, you could get by on half your income. That said, your husband is definitely not cut out for the freelance life–he’s not a self-starter and he needs a boss. Up to now, you have been that boss, which is not great for your marriage.

“Maybe I’m giving him too much credit? I just see that he’s a very smart man…who is childish and immature.”

Could he have adult ADHD? He seems to have extraordinary difficulty with executive tasks and a tendency to get distracted. That’s the nicest explanation I can think of. The less nice explanation is that he is being passive-aggressive and sabotaging you. Look into electronic reminder systems for him and stop being his reminder system:

additudemag.com/q&a/ask_the_organizer/1430.html

I don’t think you should be delegating anything detail-oriented to him, because it is clearly not his forte. That therapist really steered you in the wrong direction. This is not a gender reversal if you guys decide upon a division of tasks and then he screws up or forgets his tasks–I’m a SAHM, and I’ve moved our family of five twice in two years, and just hearing about your family’s move arrangements gives me PTSD. There is nothing “mom-like” about screwing up.

With regard to your son, although he may have a great relationship with his father, it’s not good for him to grow up knowing that mom is always mad at dad, and dad is always botching his (very minimal) household responsibilities. Your home life is like the worst sitcom family ever.

Good luck!

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Your son and husband are all happy and having fun now, but your son is only 8. What will happen when he gets older and fun dad can’t manage the schedule and paperwork that a public high school can produce? I’m not talking homework, but the parent stuff!

It does sound like he would do much better in a structured environment, and really, being a stay at home parent is not a structured environment unless you have a reasonable level of self-discipline.

As adults, we don’t always get to do what we’d like or what we’d prefer. In a family, both parents need to work together for the good of the family. It won’t help your son or husband for you to just silently stew while they get to both act like 8 year olds.

 

[Xantippe]

Mrs Sally said:

“Your son and husband are all happy and having fun now, but your son is only 8. What will happen when he gets older and fun dad can’t manage the schedule and paperwork that a public high school can produce? I’m not talking homework, but the parent stuff!”

Yeah. I have 6th grader and a 3rd grader in private school, and it’s brutal to manage everything they need for school. Just the email could choke a horse.

“It does sound like he would do much better in a structured environment, and really, being a stay at home parent is not a structured environment unless you have a reasonable level of self-discipline.”

Yes.

“As adults, we don’t always get to do what we’d like or what we’d prefer. In a family, both parents need to work together for the good of the family. It won’t help your son or husband for you to just silently stew while they get to both act like 8 year olds.”

Yes, eventually the OP’s son is going to get bigger–he’ll be a pre-teen and then a teen and then a college student, and eventually he may have a family of his own. Is this the man that she wants him to model himself on? Are the lessons he’s learning here ones that will help him to be a good husband and father?

 

[agnes_therese]

Well, do you truly think what I’ve described is “abuse”?

Well, let’s re-cap just a few of his lovelier traits –
He won’t work full-time; he even refuses to apply for jobs when applications are handed to him on a silver platter.
He expects you to find him work for his self-“employment.”
He deliberately sabotages you before work meetings.
He whines, sulks, gets angry, and/or gives you the silent treatment when he doesn’t get his way.
He orders you to do things that he has far more time to do than you.
He deliberately signed a lease on a house he knows you hate.
He started a war with your landlord that you had to deal with.
You are in bankruptcy and he still wants to spend money like it grows on trees (seriously, $1500 equipment on a job that would make him maybe $2000?).
He wanted you to lie to the bankruptcy court.
He refuses to go to marriage counseling.
He constantly manipulates you. You’ve admitted this in other threads.

Is this who you want your son to be? Because if you stay, and show him that this is how it’s supposed to be, he will.

 

[mega1]

Actually, you are correct. All of these things are true. It’s hard to argue with that and it’s helpful for me to see it in black and white like that. I have my own distorted view because I am so “in it”.

I had a business call with a CEO I do consulting with recently and he was telling me about how he took his fiance on trips and surprises her with gifts etc. I thought wow…that just never happens for me. Ever.

Personally, I’d like a very nice apartment. No upkeep and homey…but my son started crying when I suggested an apartment. He’s clearly pretty spoiled already.

So, with seperation – how do I ask for joint custody when I have no time in the evening? Would my son be better off with a nanny than his father in the evening? I work from 1 pm to 10pm M-F. It is tough… to think of how life would be if I changed course.

Well, let’s re-cap just a few of his lovelier traits –
He won’t work full-time; he even refuses to apply for jobs when applications are handed to him on a silver platter.
He expects you to find him work for his self-“employment.”
He deliberately sabotages you before work meetings.
He whines, sulks, gets angry, and/or gives you the silent treatment when he doesn’t get his way.
He orders you to do things that he has far more time to do than you.
He deliberately signed a lease on a house he knows you hate.
He started a war with your landlord that you had to deal with.
You are in bankruptcy and he still wants to spend money like it grows on trees (seriously, $1500 equipment on a job that would make him maybe $2000?).
He wanted you to lie to the bankruptcy court.
He refuses to go to marriage counseling.
He constantly manipulates you. You’ve admitted this in other threads.

Is this who you want your son to be? Because if you stay, and show him that this is how it’s supposed to be, he will.

 

[Cricket2]

Well I went ahead and canceled. Turns out a rain storm was coming so the movers weren’t upset. My husband, on the other hand, was quite angry.

And he’s NOT happy that I am still considering abandoning the house he chose and trying to get into another. He has come up with every excuse as to why it won’t work. It’s actually 4 miles from my work, which would help me tremendously to see our son on my dinner break. But it’s also about a 15 min drive from son’s school. I told him I will bite the bullet and get up earlier and get him to school. He said no way…

It is all very complicated. Truth is I am delaying this move because I am so scared to commit to another house… With my husband.

My own employer sought him out (he’s known for his talents in his niche) and asked me to have him apply for a job in his area of expertise. That was last week. They even emailed him the application. He hasn’t even done that.

He HAS booked a couple of freelance jobs because he wants to about a REAL job.

Have you thought of hiring a private investigator. I hate to suggest this, but I would not be surprised if he has someone else on the side. I have known too many people, including my sister, that this is exactly what was happening. Why does he like this house so much? Does he think he can rip the owner off again? He may be dragging you into a real legal mess that could include jail if this is ever proven.

Really, get a place on your own and tell hubby to get a job and grow up. Now I would go a full year before even suggesting he come back. You need time to think without him.

 

[Cricket2]

Why go for joint custody. There are a lot of single moms out there, reliable day cares, and you are the primary bread winner and from what I have read always have been.

Tell you son your sorry, but it is up to you right now where he lives. If he is already acting like dad you better get some counseling and fast. Also, get a good lawyer and for the first year demand supervised visits with dad. I would not have it any other way.

I had a cousin who had to request this because her husband made death threats. He only got to visit his kids at the police department. You need to be careful and smart. Focus on your son’s welfare and future. Let your husband worry about his junk for a change.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Actually, you are correct. All of these things are true. It’s hard to argue with that and it’s helpful for me to see it in black and white like that. I have my own distorted view because I am so “in it”.

I had a business call with a CEO I do consulting with recently and he was telling me about how he took his fiance on trips and surprises her with gifts etc. I thought wow…that just never happens for me. Ever.

Personally, I’d like a very nice apartment. No upkeep and homey…but my son started crying when I suggested an apartment. He’s clearly pretty spoiled already.

So, with seperation – how do I ask for joint custody when I have no time in the evening? Would my son be better off with a nanny than his father in the evening? I work from 1 pm to 10pm M-F. It is tough… to think of how life would be if I changed course.

Separation is tough, no doubt. You should talk to a lawyer as well as a counselor and get information about the laws and practice in your area. It would be especially helpful to find out if you are obligated on the lease your husband signed.

If you do this, please get good counsel and follow their advice. Don’t allow your husband to threaten or cajole you. Establish firm guidelines for what has to happen for reconcilliation (like he has a job and keeps it) and set timelines.

Your son is young but not a baby. Afterschool care and then time with a babysitter in the later evening will be hard, but not impossible for him. After your separation, you can also ask about shifting your schedule at work. Perhaps do some things at home in the evening?

 

[Xantippe]

mega1 said:

“I had a business call with a CEO I do consulting with recently and he was telling me about how he took his fiance on trips and surprises her with gifts etc. I thought wow…that just never happens for me. Ever.”

Well, it doesn’t happen for me, either, but I’ve been married 15 years and have three kids, a large mortgage, and very little disposable income.

When a husband and wife have shared funds, large “surprises” (even fun ones) are generally unwelcome. When you have shared funds and limited discretionary income, fun and gifts needs to be carefully pre-negotiated.

“Personally, I’d like a very nice apartment. No upkeep and homey…but my son started crying when I suggested an apartment. He’s clearly pretty spoiled already.”

No, he’s 8 years old and he likes his house. There’s nothing wrong with that. What 8-year-old wants to move, especially when he knows that the move is something mom and dad have been fighting a lot about? When one of my kids was turning 5 and we moved, the kid peed their pants at least once a day for the next month. Moving is hard on kids.

“So, with seperation – how do I ask for joint custody when I have no time in the evening? Would my son be better off with a nanny than his father in the evening? I work from 1 pm to 10pm M-F. It is tough… to think of how life would be if I changed course.”

Start working on getting your schedule changed or find a new job. Maybe start working toward self-employment.

 

[mega1]

I am being 100 percent honest and upfront here and I would like guidance and opinions.

I am a very driven career woman. My career has always been the focus and my husband has also pushed me hard — I have a very public job and it comes with a lot of this evening work kind of thing.

Am I being a selfish person, If I worry more about keeping my job and future career - than in leaving for another position and home for my son? And I ask – does it truly sound like my son is growing up with bad parents? If so, I need to really pay attention and find a fix.

I was brought up by very “interesting” family…so my radar is a bit skewed. My husband isn’t a monster…in my opinion. But, if we are setting bad examples for our son – then I need to hear the insight about some of these red flags I may be presenting.

I realize that this is an anonymous website, but sometimes that is where some of the best opinions come from… I would never reveal so many of the skeletons in my own closet…to anyone.

Maybe I’m not a very good mother. I don’t enjoy being a stay at home Mom…the way my own mother did. She never worked and was always home. However, looking back…she still didn’t spend much quality time with us.

 

[Rau]

There has already been a lot of (name removed by moderator)ut from others on this thread. I am inclined to think that you need to do more “self-analysis”.

BTW, you job is a career-oriented role and requires you to work 10am to 10pm - is that right? Is this unchangeable, eg. a change of “shift”, or the same role with a different company? Can you elaborate?

 

[Xantippe]

mega1 said:

“Am I being a selfish person, If I worry more about keeping my job and future career - than in leaving for another position and home for my son? And I ask – does it truly sound like my son is growing up with bad parents? If so, I need to really pay attention and find a fix.”

I think your son probably has two loving parents who don’t know how to produce a loving, orderly, harmonious home and who are addicted to drama and passive-aggressive tit-for-tat. I can’t even imagine dealing with the unnecessary chaos that your husband and you seem to generate, or how much insecurity that that has to be causing your child (or will, once he’s old enough to notice what a mess you guys have made of your relationship, your finances, and your careers). You are both obviously very talented people, you make a boatload of money compared to the average family, and yet your life is a disaster.

“Maybe I’m not a very good mother. I don’t enjoy being a stay at home Mom…the way my own mother did. She never worked and was always home. However, looking back…she still didn’t spend much quality time with us.”

You don’t need to be a SAHM to be a good mother, but you need to provide a better home and better examples for your child.

 

[1ke]

No one here can tell you what you are asking-- whether you are being a good parent, selfish, etc.

In many families where the husband and wife work as a team, co-parenting in a non-traditional situation such as stay-at-home dad, traveling mom, deployed parent, etc, can work.

In many families the wife is a successful career woman and balances that with child rearing (although you can never “have it all” most people find a balance).

I would suggest that if you are unwilling to walk away from the career if it is in the best interest of your child/family/life then yes, your priorities are out of order and you are too attached to your career. If you just can’t do it, even though you know you should, then you have a problem. If you could walk away, or take a lesser position, but don’t because this is what everyone has decided is the best for you, your child, your family, your goals, etc, then there is nothing wrong with it.

But again, in a normal situation you and your husband would be working together to achieve shared goals.

But, in your situation would walking away fix anything? If you abdicated, would your husband step up? Is it your type A personality driving him to be passive agressive or is that just making it more acute?

We can’t answer that.

From what you’ve written, your husband sounds like a narcissist and/or sociopath, and if he is either of those things you should get your child as far away from him as possible and make it permanent through the courts. What your child sees now is a whole lot of bad behavior from BOTH of you.

 

[mega1]

It may help people understand my predicament more…I will say that I am in the media. So, my schedule is volitale and I don’t have a traditional job with tranditional hours…and that includes holidays. And my expenses are higher because I have to look a certain way and dress a certain way to keep my job. I work under contract. I have 2 years left at my current spot and I can say that my evening hours are actually considered the “Top Job” in my field…

There has already been a lot of (name removed by moderator)ut from others on this thread. I am inclined to think that you need to do more “self-analysis”.

BTW, you job is a career-oriented role and requires you to work 10am to 10pm - is that right? Is this unchangeable, eg. a change of “shift”, or the same role with a different company? Can you elaborate?

 

[on_the_hill]

My gut says…well, let me frame this. My sister’s husband is similar to yours. He makes decisions as the “head of the household,” and because he feels that as the husband he has a God-given position of authority. He is stubborn, refuses to take any advice. My sister does nearly all of the housework, childcare, and works a demanding job with frequent very long hours. It’s one of those, “stop cooking dinner and change the baby’s diaper because I’m watching football,” marriages.

Their house is in terrible shape not only because they don’t have the money to repair it but because her husband epitomizes Lazy and won’t even try to fix things. Whatever home repairs they’ve had over the past ten years have been because my mother hired repairmen to go there and do it.

I wish my sister would divorce him. Her life as a single mom would probably be easier. Skip the counseling, skip the prayers, and just get it over with.

My (late) father never liked him. When my sister was dating him my dad thought he was a lout, and we all scolded him for his opinion. Turns out, he was right.

My gut says you should ditch your husband.

 

[mega1]

It may help people understand my predicament more…I will say that I am in the media. So, my schedule is volitale and I don’t have a traditional job with tranditional hours…and that includes holidays. And my expenses are higher because I have to look a certain way and dress a certain way to keep my job. I work under contract. I have 2 years left at my current spot and I can say that my evening hours are actually considered the “Top Job” in my field…

No one here can tell you what you are asking-- whether you are being a good parent, selfish, etc.

In many families where the husband and wife work as a team, co-parenting in a non-traditional situation such as stay-at-home dad, traveling mom, deployed parent, etc, can work.

In many families the wife is a successful career woman and balances that with child rearing (although you can never “have it all” most people find a balance).

I would suggest that if you are unwilling to walk away from the career if it is in the best interest of your child/family/life then yes, your priorities are out of order and you are too attached to your career. If you just can’t do it, even though you know you should, then you have a problem. If you could walk away, or take a lesser position, but don’t because this is what everyone has decided is the best for you, your child, your family, your goals, etc, then there is nothing wrong with it.

But again, in a normal situation you and your husband would be working together to achieve shared goals.

But, in your situation would walking away fix anything? If you abdicated, would your husband step up? Is it your type A personality driving him to be passive agressive or is that just making it more acute?

We can’t answer that.

From what you’ve written, your husband sounds like a narcissist and/or sociopath, and if he is either of those things you should get your child as far away from him as possible and make it permanent through the courts. What your child sees now is a whole lot of bad behavior from BOTH of you.