Would you do this to your spouse?

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mega1 said:

“It may help people understand my predicament more…I will say that I am in the media.”

All is clear.

I’m really surprised you manage side projects, given what a big job you have. It sounds like, given the volatility of your profession, that it is rather important to work on those side projects, so that if ever your day job goes away, you’ll still have income available. Savings will also be very important. At some point, the music is going to stop in this game of musical chairs, and you’ll need to find a chair. You need to get your husband to understand this–you guys are squirrels collecting nuts and winter is coming fast.

Best wishes!
 
Well, that’s why I have such high demands and a lot of pressure. And it’s why I AM constantly scared about $$$. And without anyone to have my back… we end up bankrupt.

But, now that you see how demanding my job is…does it make you think that being a single Mom is nearly impossible? I guess I have it in my head that it’s best to just grin and bear it…but I don’t want to damage our son in the process.
 
mega1 said:

“Well, that’s why I have such high demands and a lot of pressure. And it’s why I AM constantly scared about $$$. And without anyone to have my back… we end up bankrupt.”

“But, now that you see how demanding my job is…does it make you think that being a single Mom is nearly impossible? I guess I have it in my head that it’s best to just grin and bear it…but I don’t want to damage our son in the process.”

The problem is that while you are bailing out the boat, he’s punching holes in the bottom. On the one hand, you feel that you need him to help you put out fires, but on the other hand, he’s the person setting a lot of the fires. In some ways, being a single mom might be a heck of a lot easier. I think you would find your life a lot easier without him with a 2-bedroom apt. and a good nanny/housekeeper. The job would be perfect for a responsible college student. You’d still need to take care of the more finicky stuff, but you’re doing that anyway. One of your problems is is that your husband is not shouldering a lot of the stuff that at-home parents normally do. Also, he makes a lot of erratic decisions without consulting you (i.e. signing a lease, booking the utilities guy, fighting the landlord, etc.).

I’m not saying that you should divorce or separate, but that purely logistically speaking, you can rather easily replace his services to your family.

I would suggest that you get back into marriage counseling, continue working together on your budget, have monthly budget meetings, and have regular family meetings about all major decisions. He should not sign anything without talking to you first, at the appointed time. He should not be texting you when you are at work about non-emergency issues and he needs to think seriously about how to reduce your stress level. Work on all of this stuff in marriage counseling and see where you are in six months See if you are making progress.
 
Xantippe said:
mega1 said:
“Well, that’s why I have such high demands and a lot of pressure. And it’s why I AM constantly scared about $$$. And without anyone to have my back… we end up bankrupt.”
The problem is that while you are bailing out the boat, he’s punching holes in the bottom. On the one hand, you feel that you need him to help you put out fires, but on the other hand, he’s the person setting a lot of the fires. In some ways, being a single mom might be a heck of a lot easier. I think you would find your life a lot easier without him with a 2-bedroom apt. and a good nanny/housekeeper. The job would be perfect for a responsible college student. You’d still need to take care of the more finicky stuff, but you’re doing that anyway. One of your problems is is that your husband is not shouldering a lot of the stuff that at-home parents normally do. Also, he makes a lot of erratic decisions without consulting you (i.e. signing a lease, booking the utilities guy, fighting the landlord, etc.).
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this. I’m going to say again he sounds very impulsive. that can lead to people being really unreliable.
 
mega1 said:
But, now that you see how demanding my job is…does it make you think that being a single Mom is nearly impossible?
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No. There are certainly a lot of other single parents in the media.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but sometimes it seems as if you want to make excuses to stay with this man. If that’s not true, I apologize, but that’s how it seems.
I guess I have it in my head that it’s best to just grin and bear it…but I don’t want to damage our son in the process.
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Again – if you stay, your son will grow up thinking his father’s treatment of you is normal and acceptable. And you don’t think that would damage him?
 
mega1 said:
It may help people understand my predicament more…I will say that I am in the media. So, my schedule is volitale and I don’t have a traditional job with tranditional hours…and that includes holidays. And my expenses are higher because I have to look a certain way and dress a certain way to keep my job. I work under contract. I have 2 years left at my current spot and I can say that my evening hours are actually considered the “Top Job” in my field…
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No, this does not help me understand anything.

You and your husband behave inappropriately towards each other day in and day out. You are both passive agressive. Neither communicates as a calm, rational adult. One or both of you have serious mental health issues. You stay together and stay miserable, and now have a son you’ve broought into it.

Get professional help and stop piddling around.

The fact that you are smart, successful, and have a facade in the outside world that says “everything is great” does not change the reality that it is NOT great in your home life.
 
From all I have read to date, I think you are dealing with a sociopath. He seems to take responsibility for nothing, blames you for everything, and likes to be served endlessly.

Time to save your son and yourself. Let him bankrupt someone else. Get a small two bedroom apartment and go.
 
Actually I always communicate in a calm rational manner. I am in therapy and I am working to improve myself. I agree that I have work to do… But don’t you think you are being a bit harsh?
1ke said:
No, this does not help me understand anything.

You and your husband behave inappropriately towards each other day in and day out. You are both passive agressive. Neither communicates as a calm, rational adult. One or both of you have serious mental health issues. You stay together and stay miserable, and now have a son you’ve broought into it.

Get professional help and stop piddling around.

The fact that you are smart, successful, and have a facade in the outside world that says “everything is great” does not change the reality that it is NOT great in your home life.
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Your spouse is a jerk.

Yes, it’s hard to leave, but unless he’s radically changing his behavior, I’d look at moving out.

Yes, your son won’t like it, but kids also know when mom and dad aren’t happy and don’t like each other. He’ll adapt. He’s 8. He needs to figure out sometime that sometimes the choices we have to make aren’t easy or about making everyone happy. Leaving is about doing the right thing.

A marriage is supposed to be a team effort. It sounds like the only team your husband is on is his own.

I get that you want to know that every thing is going to work out, but there are no guarantees in life.

Leaving might just be the motivation that husband needs to get a “real” job and start pulling his weight in the family.

I’m the stay-at-home parent and my spouse consults me on this kind of stuff all the time.

Even though he’s the worker, he tries to take time off work to help with the movers and the cable guy. I could handle it myself if he isn’t able to be around. Neither one of us feels like we do “everything” to make the house work.

Get your small apartment and start over. You don’t have to get a divorce, but some time living apart might be beneficial to your marriage. I know my parents separated when I was younger and eventually got back together. They even lived in the same neighborhood so I could spend time with both parents.

I wouldn’t want a stressful career and then have to come home and have a stressful home life all the time. It doesn’t matter if he’s a good dad, if he’s not pulling his weight in your marriage/relationship. Your kid isn’t always going to live with you. He’s going to go to college and get his own life. What are you going to be left with when he’s gone? Some jerk that you haven’t liked for years? What a miserable way to live.

Take care -
 
mega1 said:
Actually I always communicate in a calm rational manner. I am in therapy and I am working to improve myself. I agree that I have work to do… But don’t you think you are being a bit harsh?
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This and your previous posts are just pages and pages of the exact same thing. I don’t think it’s harsh, i just think there is nothing left to say.

We can’t help you b/c you are not ready to take action. You want our opinions, then discount them. And frankly, we only know the bits and pieces you have told us. It might be much, much worse in reality or it might not be as acute as it seems. You are beyond friendly advice on an internet forum because nothing in your relationship with your husband is anywhere near normal. You need professional help.
 
Kal2012 said:
Your spouse is a jerk.

Yes, it’s hard to leave, but unless he’s radically changing his behavior, I’d look at moving out.

Yes, your son won’t like it, but kids also know when mom and dad aren’t happy and don’t like each other. He’ll adapt. He’s 8. He needs to figure out sometime that sometimes the choices we have to make aren’t easy or about making everyone happy. Leaving is about doing the right thing.

A marriage is supposed to be a team effort. It sounds like the only team your husband is on is his own.

I get that you want to know that every thing is going to work out, but there are no guarantees in life.

I am not sure how anyone (wife?) considers him a good dad. All he is teaching is son to do is to be like him. Sociopath. I hope our “wife and mother” hits the road and does not look back frankly. He is not going to change for the better.
Leaving might just be the motivation that husband needs to get a “real” job and start pulling his weight in the family.

I’m the stay-at-home parent and my spouse consults me on this kind of stuff all the time.

Even though he’s the worker, he tries to take time off work to help with the movers and the cable guy. I could handle it myself if he isn’t able to be around. Neither one of us feels like we do “everything” to make the house work.

Get your small apartment and start over. You don’t have to get a divorce, but some time living apart might be beneficial to your marriage. I know my parents separated when I was younger and eventually got back together. They even lived in the same neighborhood so I could spend time with both parents.

I wouldn’t want a stressful career and then have to come home and have a stressful home life all the time. It doesn’t matter if he’s a good dad, if he’s not pulling his weight in your marriage/relationship. Your kid isn’t always going to live with you. He’s going to go to college and get his own life. What are you going to be left with when he’s gone? Some jerk that you haven’t liked for years? What a miserable way to live.

Take care -
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Sorry folks I somehow got my reply set in the middle of someone else’s comment. Didn’t mean too. I am still getting used to this system of posting I guess. Sooory.
 
If there is a separation and your husband is a good father, and home far more often, wouldn’t being with his father be preferable for your son? As opposed to at your house, with a nanny. There are a few posters suggesting single motherhood, essentially cutting your husband out all-together- that’s not right. Perhaps joint custody with more time at the father’s?
 
His angel said:

“If there is a separation and your husband is a good father, and home far more often, wouldn’t being with his father be preferable for your son? As opposed to at your house, with a nanny. There are a few posters suggesting single motherhood, essentially cutting your husband out all-together- that’s not right. Perhaps joint custody with more time at the father’s?”

The OP’s husband seems to struggle a lot with any sort of organizational stuff and he has problems with judgment–he functions on the level of a gifted but impulsive teenager. I think that unless he immediately moved in a girlfriend or step-mom who was good at that sort of stuff, that it would be a very chaotic life for the child.
 
mega1,

I was thinking that as you are a very high-powered, hard-driving, perfectionistic person, that you need to be very conscious about the fact that your son is a little kid and to be as fair as possible to him. It’s very likely that he’s going to want to be with his dad, as his dad has been with him more than you have, so don’t be hurt by that. As long as you are choosing to work the hours you do, you are choosing not to be with him.

Also, it’s almost certain that your son will have inherited or learned a lot of the qualities in your husband that you hate so much. Be merciful to him, because he didn’t make himself or choose his parents, and try to make the best of his particular nature.
 
Also, if you do lose custody, try to keep track of the important logistical stuff that concerns your child, because your husband is very likely to drop the ball.
 
The idea of losing custody of my son is SO painful to me… It causes me to become paralyzed. Why wouldn’t I just sacrifice and keep working my arse off to please my son and provide … Vs throwing chaos into all of our lives. I know I am admittedly a hard working career person, but If my husband came up with a job that paid my salary…, I would quit my job and just do my consulting from home. My son is so important to me. I love him very much.

My husband was very upset today (sulking) because he says he’s upset that I seemed to be “in a funk” with the house we have to move into and he feels like it is all his fault. He is very quiet and pouty. It is just frustrating.

I want to do the best for everyone. And I am not concerned about myself…
 
“The idea of losing custody of my son is SO painful to me… It causes me to become paralyzed. Why wouldn’t I just sacrifice and keep working my arse off to please my son and provide … Vs throwing chaos into all of our lives.”

Your current life is chaotic. It’s just one crisis after another, at least as you describe it, and many of the crises are of your husband’s making.

“My husband was very upset today (sulking) because he says he’s upset that I seemed to be “in a funk” with the house we have to move into and he feels like it is all his fault. He is very quiet and pouty. It is just frustrating.”

He feels like it is all his fault because it is his fault. If I am reading your posts correctly, he went ahead and signed a lease for this house without consulting you, knowing that you didn’t like it.

If he feels bad about doing that, that’s OK. Don’t you be going and kissing his boo-boos over this. If he mentions it, tell him that you wish that he had consulted you, but that it’s an OK house and you can live there for the time being and that next time, you’ll do this together and make better decisions.

“I want to do the best for everyone. And I am not concerned about myself.”

What’s best for your both your husband and your son is that your husband needs to grow up and either make better decisions for the big stuff or involve you more in decision-making for the big stuff. (You obviously hate being contacted during the working day about minor issues or to hear him vent about it when you are trying to work.)

Get both of you into marriage counseling again, do regular family meetings, and do a budget once a month.

How’s the bankruptcy going?
 
Well that is very good insight, thank you.

I can’t say that I’d do my husband any favors by disclosing the bankruptcy situation. It was dismissed and I was encouraged to file again in our new state. However I haven’t done so. I have been getting zillions of creditor calls again, but I’m hopeful that I might be able to negotiate something … Slowly. Settlements possibly…

My husband hasn’t asked at all. He just keeps encouraging me to file a complaint or sue my old attorney for not getting it discharged.

I told him that my agent has been calling because he wants payment and my husband said he should be held liable for placing me at a place I didn’t fully love (my last job). The statement was completely ridiculous.

Honestly I was going through the new house today (before move) and realizing it would actually be great as “my” little house.

I sold a bunch of furniture on Craigslist today so that we could downsize for the smaller house. My husband had us at the furniture store 3 hrs later. The table “I” liked. He didn’t. Of course. I sold our dining room set. Hoping to find something on Craigslist to suffice.
 
“I can’t say that I’d do my husband any favors by disclosing the bankruptcy situation. It was dismissed and I was encouraged to file again in our new state. However I haven’t done so. I have been getting zillions of creditor calls again, but I’m hopeful that I might be able to negotiate something … Slowly. Settlements possibly…”

Hope that works.

“My husband hasn’t asked at all.”

That’s kind of weird, given that he is probably fielding a lot of those creditor calls.

“Honestly I was going through the new house today (before move) and realizing it would actually be great as “my” little house.”

Very good!
 
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