Would you give up your career for her?

[Bezant]

That’s right - for her. I suppose women traditionally have been “expected” for do that for men, when they get married and have children, though nowadays that’s changing. However, this is not the question I’m asking here. The question I’m asking is: If you’re a man and have a successful career, if needed, would you give up that career or take a big step back in that career, to be with the woman you love?

Would I give up my career for a woman? If you mean “give up” in the extreme (i.e., utterly abandon my career, my professional network, and a decent alternative position) I’m 99.9% sure that the answer is NO.

The possible, highly unlikely exception being she has a massive fortune with which we could spend the rest of our lives in luxury and building something good in the world.

Would I take a big step back in my career for a woman? Depending on my options, yes.

 

[Fairwinds]

nope your wrong, all that matters is having a good time and preparing for the zombie apocalypse, plus ya can live in the woods, with nothing but a brain and a sharp stick and hunt, or buy some tools, and a tent if ya want to be fancy, or buy some really good tools, an build a log cabin an live in the woods on your own, so now money is worthless an when the economy goes kaput for good an zombies are abundant and money is worthless, good luck trying to learn how to survive in the woods at that point in time.

is your road warrior-style vehicle gassed and oiled?

 

[Havard]

Yes, if it were the right decision, but I would never put it that way (one spouse giving up a career for the other). I would like to think that it would be a joint decision, and for the benefit of our whole family.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

I would be wary about assuming that traditional gender roles don’t correspond to something innate in male and female nature.

In my limited experience a woman will simply not respect a stay-at-home dad. The men that I know who’ve left a career end up divorced or cheated on with the alpha male at the office. Granted it is anecdotal evidence but there are plenty of studies that show men who stay at home have a significantly higher divorce rate than those that work. I would only leave my career if I were able to do something ubermasculine while I stayed home with the kids, like felling redwoods or killing moose.

 

[oldcatholicguy]

That’s right - for her. I suppose women traditionally have been “expected” for do that for men, when they get married and have children, though nowadays that’s changing. However, this is not the question I’m asking here. The question I’m asking is: If you’re a man and have a successful career, if needed, would you give up that career or take a big step back in that career, to be with the woman you love?

Kids (minors) > Wife > Kids (adults) > You > Career.

 

[dshix]

Kids (minors) > Wife > Kids (adults) > You > Career.

I tend to disagree with the way you phrase this. I agree, the order is correct if you are just looking at whom you owe the most attention, but if you do not have a career, you cannot support a family. If you do not take care of yourself, and get sick and become unable to do anything, you are unable to support your children and wife.

If I had the option between a career and a wife, I would not give up one OR the other until I was sure that I would be able to support a family in one way or another. If I find out that in order to marry I would have to give up work altogether, I would not get married, simply because of the fact that I would be closing my eyes to the reality that I would be unable to support those relying on my support.

 

[IA_Catholic]

I wonder if the question should be “Would you give up your career for your marriage?”

Asking the question “would you give up your career for her” I interpret as asking how much you love your wife. “Would you give up your career for your marriage” asks what value you place on the sacrament of marriage in relationship to other things in your life.

My answer to both questions is yes.

 

[oldcatholicguy]

I tend to disagree with the way you phrase this. I agree, the order is correct if you are just looking at whom you owe the most attention, but if you do not have a career, you cannot support a family. If you do not take care of yourself, and get sick and become unable to do anything, you are unable to support your children and wife.

If I had the option between a career and a wife, I would not give up one OR the other until I was sure that I would be able to support a family in one way or another. If I find out that in order to marry I would have to give up work altogether, I would not get married, simply because of the fact that I would be closing my eyes to the reality that I would be unable to support those relying on my support.

For me those things (supporting family, staying healthy, etc) are incorporated into the decision process. The way the OP phrased his/her comment, it looked to me as if he/she was asking which is more important to focus on- your career or your wife.

 

[RPRPsych]

I would be wary about assuming that traditional gender roles don’t correspond to something innate in male and female nature.

In my limited experience a woman will simply not respect a stay-at-home dad. The men that I know who’ve left a career end up divorced or cheated on with the alpha male at the office. Granted it is anecdotal evidence but there are plenty of studies that show men who stay at home have a significantly higher divorce rate than those that work. I would only leave my career if I were able to do something ubermasculine while I stayed home with the kids, like felling redwoods or killing moose.

While I wouldn’t state this so bluntly, you’re definitely onto something here.

 

[dshix]

For me those things (supporting family, staying healthy, etc) are incorporated into the decision process. The way the OP phrased his/her comment, it looked to me as if he/she was asking which is more important to focus on- your career or your wife.

I see what you mean. Agreed.

 

[thewanderer]

I would be wary about assuming that traditional gender roles don’t correspond to something innate in male and female nature.

In my limited experience a woman will simply not respect a stay-at-home dad. The men that I know who’ve left a career end up divorced or cheated on with the alpha male at the office. Granted it is anecdotal evidence but there are plenty of studies that show men who stay at home have a significantly higher divorce rate than those that work. I would only leave my career if I were able to do something ubermasculine while I stayed home with the kids, like felling redwoods or killing moose.

The question here, though, isn’t whether or not they correspond to something innate in the different genders, the question is, if it was necessary for the sake of your marriage (well, it was worded as for the sake of being with “her”, but that kind of amounts to the same thing, no?) would you give up your career? I certainly hope the answer that all men give is yes, while being a stay-at-home dad is really hard on a lot of men, if it is what is necessary for the sake of keeping your marriage together than I should certainly hope that all men would choose to give up their career rather than allow their marriage to be destroyed.

 

[Fairwinds]

The question here, though, isn’t whether or not they correspond to something innate in the different genders, the question is, if it was necessary for the sake of your marriage (well, it was worded as for the sake of being with “her”, but that kind of amounts to the same thing, no?) would you give up your career? I certainly hope the answer that all men give is yes, while being a stay-at-home dad is really hard on a lot of men, if it is what is necessary for the sake of keeping your marriage together than I should certainly hope that all men would choose to give up their career rather than allow their marriage to be destroyed.

still the same answer … absolutely not.

F/

 

[dontknow]

Not only would I - I did. Well, what turned out to be a 2 year leave anyways so I could be the At Home Dad. Loved every second of it and cherished every moment I was able to do so.

For 2 years my wife never once had to clean, cook, shop, wash clothes, pick up messes, figure out the menu, etc… All she had to do was come home and play.

We all won.

I would be wary about assuming that traditional gender roles don’t correspond to something innate in male and female nature.

In my limited experience a woman will simply not respect a stay-at-home dad. The men that I know who’ve left a career end up divorced or cheated on with the alpha male at the office. Granted it is anecdotal evidence but there are plenty of studies that show men who stay at home have a significantly higher divorce rate than those that work. I would only leave my career if I were able to do something ubermasculine while I stayed home with the kids, like felling redwoods or killing moose.

I guess you need to emphasize “limited experience”. There’s a whole lot of masculinity in taking care of the needs of a child. I slung diapers, training pants, bottles, formula with all the mom’s, and yes, a few other men. Clearly I was in the minority. Clearly I have few experiences most Dads will never have. I’m eternally grateful for having the situation that allowed for this.

And often times when the woman earns more its “hers.” Guys share but women don’t. Time Magazine did an article on this and reported that when the man is the breadwinner the spending decisions are split 50/50. When the woman is breadwinner she makes >90% of the decisions.

time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2109140-7,00.html

Didn’t apply to us when it was just my income, just her income or both of our incomes. I feel bad for marriages if they are really into this ****.

 

[thewanderer]

still the same answer … absolutely not.

F/

Just to clarify, you are saying that even if refusing to give up your career means that your wife leaves you you would refuse to give it up? I mean, I can understand refusing to get married to a woman who wants you to give up your career, but once you are already married? As the man are you not called to sacrifice your very life if need be for your wife? Are you not called upon to do all that you can to safegaurd your marriage? Even if it requires a great sacrifice on your part?

 

[KostyaJMJ]

The question here, though, isn’t whether or not they correspond to something innate in the different genders, the question is, if it was necessary for the sake of your marriage (well, it was worded as for the sake of being with “her”, but that kind of amounts to the same thing, no?) would you give up your career? I certainly hope the answer that all men give is yes, while being a stay-at-home dad is really hard on a lot of men, if it is what is necessary for the sake of keeping your marriage together than I should certainly hope that all men would choose to give up their career rather than allow their marriage to be destroyed.

I took the question to be would you give up your career to marry the woman you love. If I were engaged to woman who wanted me to be a stay-at-home dad I would simply not marry her. I would of course give up my career if it were for the best of my marriage. However, I would not go into a relationship were I was going to be house husband. I don’t believe that the gender roles are completely arbitrary and I’ve never seen a relationship work where the husband was the one expected to stay at home.

 

[thewanderer]

I took the question to be would you give up your career to marry the woman you love. If I were engaged to woman who wanted me to be a stay-at-home dad I would simply not marry her. I would of course give up my career if it were for the best of my marriage. However, I would not go into a relationship were I was going to be house husband. I don’t believe that the gender roles are completely arbitrary and I’ve never seen a relationship work where the husband was the one expected to stay at home.

Like I said, I can understand that much more.

Although I would be careful to suggest that such a marriage won’t work just because you haven’t seen one that does… there are more than one couple here at CAF whose marriages seem to happily have just this arrangement. One of which has even explained that when she stayed home and her husband worked their family life became a mess and that the best scenario for their family in particular was for the husband to stay at home and the wife to work. I agree that this kind of arrangement only works in the minority of cases, but there are some people for whom this is the best arrangement.

 

[john78]

My mom still remembers how my dad first talked about staying at home with me and my brother (they reversed roles when I was little) and how it was going to be wonderful, he would finally be able to write that novel and have so much free time… yeah, didn’t happen.

it is deff not for everyone, but women seem to manage doing house work and hobbies, it would depend on the guy himself.

 

[john78]

is your road warrior-style vehicle gassed and oiled?

indeed, now i just have to avoid the Thunder Dome !

 

[thewanderer]

Maybe the OP should clarify whether they meant a married or unmarried man? It really does seem to make a huge difference to the answer of the question.

 

[Fairwinds]

Just to clarify, you are saying that even if refusing to give up your career means that your wife leaves you you would refuse to give it up? I mean, I can understand refusing to get married to a woman who wants you to give up your career, but once you are already married? As the man are you not called to sacrifice your very life if need be for your wife? Are you not called upon to do all that you can to safegaurd your marriage? Even if it requires a great sacrifice on your part?

my career is too important to give up because it pays the family medical bills and the med insurance premiums. so yeah, I put in the time to make sure that’s going to happen. now, that’s not as romantic or edifying as sacrificing my life, but, you know, its what needs to be done so it gets done. you’ll reach a point in life when you discover the unicorns are ordinary horses and the butterflies are insects. at least, thank the gods, I haven’t seen someone say “love conquers all” yet.

F/