Would you maintain sexual intimacy with a spouse addicted to porn?

[Deltadeliquent]

I’ve not read the whole thread.

But if my man was looking at porn, addicted or not, I would start furnishing my own bedroom.

There are lots of ways to be unfaithful, and this is certainly one of them. I simply don’t share- under any circumstances and my husband knows it. He was told in no uncertain terms before we went very far in the courtship.

Your husband needs to learn to control himself, and stop disrespecting
you and your marriage.

 

[Allegra]

I agree but I feel you’re moving the goalposts. I was under the impression we were talking about withholding intimacy until some undefined time in the future not only until the errant spouse is repentant.

I didn’t say anything about “until he’s repentant”. Have you never really met anyone who is addicted to something? They’re repentant two seconds after they get caught. Then ten minutes later, they’re defensive. Then they’re angry and aggressive. Then they’re repentant again. Then they’re lying. Then they’re repentant again. Then they’re rageful. Then they’re blaming everyone else. Then they’re promising they’ll never do it again. Then they’re justifying. And then they’re using it again.

 

[jmjZelie]

Conversion of heart has to be strongly chosen by oneself. He can give himself time frames in consultation with a therapist, but for a spouse or loved one giving a time frame… that is fraught with well documented hazards. What if he slips at the one month mark… does the 3 months start again? What if he slips a week before the 3 month date comes up? Does the spouse excuse the slip and commence sex on the appointed date? It has the same effect as an ultimatum.

If a spouse acting in the interests of her own wellbeing and that of her children gives a dead line for leaving the marriage, that may inspire an addict to take the hard first steps of change for himself… but that is quite separate from holding a partner to a deadline for the resumption of sex. Marriage intimacy and trust can’t work on those sorts of terms.

No I was not saying that the hurt spouse imposes such a timeline on the porn-addicted spouse. I was just mentioning the advice that was being given to men right now who are trying to get free of it.
There are two lines of thinking here that are being confused: one from the perspective of how might an injured wife respond, and the other from the perspective of how a couple might be advised if they are cooperating to help the husband fight his attraction to porn and masturbation.
I have commented on both in this thread. But never did I intend to imply that the wife impose a timeline upon the husband.

 

[jmjZelie]

This is a news story that we have from today regarding porn and it’s effects on people. It is so heartbreaking to think of our daughters and all the young people of this generation, having this scourge infecting the most intimate part of human life.

Porn’s effect on youth ‘is catastrophic’: Top Met officer despairs of boys and girls brutalised by extreme films online

This. Was. Terrifying.

 

[LongingSoul]

I didn’t say anything about “until he’s repentant”. Have you never really met anyone who is addicted to something? They’re repentant two seconds after they get caught. Then ten minutes later, they’re defensive. Then they’re angry and aggressive. Then they’re repentant again. Then they’re lying. Then they’re repentant again. Then they’re rageful. Then they’re blaming everyone else. Then they’re promising they’ll never do it again. Then they’re justifying. And then they’re using it again.

You make an authentic presentation of the addict that only someone familiar with another s behaviours could know, Allegra.

 

[Xantippe]

I didn’t say anything about “until he’s repentant”. Have you never really met anyone who is addicted to something? They’re repentant two seconds after they get caught. Then ten minutes later, they’re defensive. Then they’re angry and aggressive. Then they’re repentant again. Then they’re lying. Then they’re repentant again. Then they’re rageful. Then they’re blaming everyone else. Then they’re promising they’ll never do it again. Then they’re justifying. And then they’re using it again.

Right.

 

[whm]

Ultimatums that are motivated by changing the addict don’t work. What they do is encourage someone to suppress the addiction to meet a deadline rather than work on long term healing. Wives want to experience real trust in a person who respects himself rather than feel like they’ve made him jump through hoops to satisfy her.

I think you need to reread my posts on this. They are 180 degrees from what you seem to assume that they say.

 

[whm]

I think your arguments have been positive and reasonable (thank you!), but I don’t understand why you feel the need to censure others when their posts haven’t been unreasonable.

Not censor, just tone down a bit so that effective points and reasonable, productive discussion doesn’t get lost in amped up rhetoric. Simply leaving out “you must be a __________” As is very evident at times in this thread, people tend to skim posts and take away a very different meaning than what was intended. Connotation tends to get missed. Very very emotional topic for all involved.

 

[Sugabee43]

Allegra and sugabee43, thank you in particular for your responses. They really advocate for us and cut through the misconceptions. I felt like this lost was in safe hands because of your answers and the scope of understanding you both demonstrated in the topic.

Thank you so much, Perian! :hug1:

 

[whm]

I am still here and reading, BTW-- and not “inactive” as I was erroneously labeled a few subtopics ago. I am home alone with a toddler and I want this post to remain anonymous to my husband as well, so I’m afraid I’m not able to engage as much as I’d like to.

My husband is a true functioning porn addict. I found out just two days ago in a counseling session that he has been masturbating at work for months. If he had been caught… I can’t follow that line of thinking without bursting into tears. He would have ruined our lives. We would have had to leave our town. My baby would’ve grown up away from her grandparents, godparents, and every friend of mine who loves her. His career would’ve been almost exterminated. His years of graduate school, which were torturously hard for all of us, would’ve been for nothing. And he was willing to risk that just to alleviate his boredom… He really is an addict.

I’ve been trying to process all of this. It comes in waves. I don’t want to accept that he’s been lying to me. I asked him point-blank, are you just looking or are you doing everything? He said he was just looking. Not that it makes it okay, but it demonstrated to me some modicum of control and that he had limits. He lied to my face. He masturbated at home. While I was fighting to get the baby to bed. Is nothing sacred? I just don’t want to change the way I think about him. I want to believe my husband is worthy of my trust, but my trust blinded me to the warning signs that he was doing this.

Thank you for all of your responses and I hope the CAF will remember is in your prayers. This is the beginning of a long road and I don’t know how to start or what my role is anymore. CovenantEyes failed us miserably. The iPhone app does not prevent the download of a second web browser and that’s how he was finding these images. How do I talk to my husband about this without beating him over the head with his failure? He is truly ashamed. Truly. I let him have it the night after the counseling session (not in anger, but in unbridled truth, telling him everything I said above about the possible consequences of his actions) and he begged me to stop because he was just overcome with guilt and shame.

I don’t know.

Your husband has a serious addiction. Much worse than I thought based on you initial post. I am very sorry. Treat it as an illness and take it deadly serious. I recommend the following:

1. get him a dumb phone. I don’t care how useful the smart phone is, getting him healthy is more important for everybody.
2. get rid of cable tv, just do it.
3. move the router to your bedroom. Change the wireless password. He should only use the wired connection. Lock up the model or take it with you when he is alone in the house.

4.should be #1 pray together daily. Go to confession monthly.

1. He should not be up alone at night.
2. Don’t watch, listen to, or read anything with sexual immorality. (see 2 above)
3. Know that things can get better.
4. not looking at stuff is not enough, he needs to be actively working on virtue (as do us all)

I know this is like being a nanny. Completely unfair. A big sacrifice by you for him. Leaving it up to him hasn’t worked so far.

Removing as much temptation as possible is important because the slightest temptation can allow the addiction to take over, and in that moment it is too late, it is all that matters to him, like his next breath of air. This is why he takes such great risks, this is why he is able to hurt you over and over. This can get better with time, he can return to the person you married. Positive changes can occur even in the first 30 days.

Prayers for your family.

 

[Eliza10]

It’s really very bullying to keep insisting that the woman is ‘dolling out suffering’ or ‘punishing’… when again and again you’ve been assured by women in the situation and by the articles I’ve posted from Covenant Eyes, that the use of porn by a spouse degrades a woman and makes her experience of sex ugly. I can only think you either haven’t read any of the posts correcting you or you have some kind of misogynous problem.

If you mean basic distrust of women, I agree.

Burt, this distrust comes across quite clearly in your words in this thread. I think it comes from your own experience, as it obviously does not reflect reality.

Burt: I, also, notice that you do not “see” the truth - the explanation that “the use of porn by a spouse degrades a woman and makes her experience of sex ugly”. Yes, that is a key truth that you show no evidence of grasping.

I believe this blind spot comes from a previous hurt by women/a woman. We are all hurt people and we all have much need of healing from hurts. For healing, we have so much in the Sacraments - its the ordinary way God pours out extraordinary graces! We need extraordinary graces to heal. But we do need to approach the sacraments with an ordinary obedience, to the best of our ability, as to the given norms for receiving them. Like being in a state of grace before receiving communion - otherwise, we do not reap the graces of them. (If there is any question in our minds about our state of grace we need to see a priest.)

I understand the “distrust” as I was hurt deeply from shocking betrayals that were part of the end of my long marraige. God gave me many graces to help me through it but healing was a process that did not happen all at once. I had a lot of peace of God, but I also had a lot of stresses, particularly being thrown into the numerous huge practical difficulties of suddenly being a single parent.

It was a very alone time for a very long time but by many graces along God way helped me. I remember finally meeting some other parents when my son got involved in in CYO basketball. I remember a particularly nice couple who were loving and involved with their sons, and the Dad was a great cub scout leader also for my son. I sat with this couple at a basketball game once and when the husband got up to leave, I remember thinking clearly, “Poor her! Her husband seems nice, but I bet he is really unkind to her when they are home and no one is looking.”

You see, I projected my own husband-experience on this woman. My ex was also a great charmer publicly, and a seemingly upstanding, kind, helpful man. I always had a safe feeling when there were other people around. But not when we were alone, which was when I could depend on unkindness and cruelty…

And when this thought came, I knew something was wrong with the thought. That something was still wrong with me, to have this thought.

Jesus later did heal me completely, and I no longer have a problem realizing that while some people are sadly feeling crushed inside their marriages, others are thriving.