Would you marry if you could not have children?

[EasterJoy]

What if it’s not natural infertility, but a result of treatments that are needed, truly needed, for another condition? Or worse, if you’re perfectly capable of conceiving but physically unable to carry the child safely?

These would not preclude marriage. They need to be disclosed to the person the woman is marrying. There are women who were told they are in this situation who might decide they do not want to seek a spouse. That would be her choice. The truth is, a Christian woman doesn’t need a reason to stay unmarried, if she can remain chaste. That is her choice. St. Paul preferred that those who could stay celibate and chaste in order to serve the Lord without distraction find it in themselves to do that. He just realized it wasn’t a choice everyone can make.

As far as being unable to carry a child safely, you may have heard of this story. A married American woman contracted amoebic dysentery while working in the Phillipines. She fell into a coma and received strong drugs to combat the infection. It turned out she was pregnant. Those drugs caused the placenta to detach from the uterine wall, depriving the child of oxygen. The doctors stopped the drugs when they realized the situation, but said that the high doses of medicine had already damaged the fetus. They told the woman that the baby would not survive, or if he did, would have very serious problems. The woman and her husband sought out the best doctor in their area of the Philippines, for a second opinion. That doctor’s opinion was this: “An abortion is the only way to save your life," even though abortion was illegal in the Phillipines. The woman was Christian, however, and refused to have an abortion. She asked for God’s help and left the results in God’s hands. She was on bed rest at a Manila hospital for the final two months of the pregnancy.

She was able to carry the child to term safely after all. The woman was Pam Tebow, and her child, Tim, was born malnourished because of the compromised placenta that attached him to his mother. Nevertheless, he went on to become a strapping boy, to say the very least, winning the Heisman Trophy and a college national championship in football before being drafted to play in the NFL.

Certainly a serious medical condition or a high likelihood of complications is a serious reason for a married couple to use NFP to avoid pregnancy. Certainly there are people who might decide they could not bear such a serious situation for the entire length of the wife’s fertile years, and that would also be OK. Having said that, people who can foresee difficulties in their marriages do get married and do have happy marriages. There is no reason to believe that it can’t happen.

If I were in that situation, I think I would certainly grieve it, because I wanted children. That does not mean I would not have married or hoped that I could become a mother some way. I really don’t know many men who would not consider marrying a woman who believed herself infertile. I am sure there are some, it is a serious thing, but people have a way of becoming very attached to the person they fall for, and find things that were important in theory are not as important as the real person they know and love and want to be with always.

 

[ClearWater]

Women especially, if you could not have children, would you still marry? How would you understand this as a Catholic marriage if children were simply not an option?

I can´t have children, and given the opportunity, yes, I would marry.

I had a hysterectomy due to some pretty severe hemorrhaging. I would hemorrhage 3 weeks out of any month to a point I was anemic much of the time growing up, seeing stars, literally seeing black at times, feeling faint. I would hear ringing in my ears.

It caused MAJOR inconveniences in my life, because of the quantity of blood I chronically lost. I got migraines, chronically. I was sometimes more or less debilitated from the pain of it all. I remember trying to work like this, but I’d have days the cramping would get so bad I couldn´t hardly function. I was a little better once I discovered Midol.

I was the last of 7 girls, and my mother could not believe how many pads and such I went through. I had to actually show her in order for her to believe it. She had never seen anything like that before.

I have had many times I came close to fainting, where I’d lean against a wall, slide to the floor, so that I wouldn’t fall to the floor. I had trouble being in choir, because I couldn´t stand for long periods.

This scenario went on for decades.

I finally got relief when they finally told me I had fibroids. Here, in Mexico, they will just simply take a uterus out for that, and that´s what they did. It was a relief, as I say. The migraines mostly stopped. I didn´t have all that pain of cramping, so much weakness, and I began to be able to lead a more normal life.

I did try many things, though, before having the hysterectomy. I tried different kinds of medications, but they made my arthritis go through the roof.

I have a disability that would have made having, and taking care of children, extraordinarily difficult, almost impossible, anyway.

Now, I realize some on the forum will probably say I shouldn´t ever marry, that the purpose of marriage is children. No children, no marriage, but if I found the right man, I definitely would. I think, for myself, the purpose of marriage is love, but that’s just me.

I would, of course, tell him all this, not leave it as a surprise, but given my age, I doubt a man around my age would expect me to be having children, anyway.

In life, there will be all kinds of scenarios, a huge spectrum of situations. We are geared to want love, even if we have a disability, are marrying past childbearing years, can´t have children. Many of us will at least want love. That´s how God designed us. In a few cases, for whatever reason(s), some won´t want marriage, be it due to bad experiences or other circumstances.

However, the majority will want to be with the opposite sex, if possible. Again, I believe this to be God´s design and intention, that most of us were designed to love the opposite sex, whether we could conceive and have children, or not, and I am no exception. This is just my opinion, of course.

 

[ClearWater]

I just met a man who is around my age, is in a wheelchair, like myself. At age 8 months, he was given a polio vaccine, and for whatever reason, contracted polio. As a result, he has been really affected. If it turned out he was compatible with me, I would marry him in a heartbeat.

Now, I know some will, as I say, jump to all kinds of conclusions.

I would actually marry someone like that, whether or not he could even consumate the marriage, because the need for a person to have love is great, greater than sex, actually.

I think in this particular scenario, if we turned out to be compatible, I believe he would actually be able to consumate a marriage.

However, I know I´m swimming against the tide, and probably the Church on this one, but actually, if I believed him to be “the one” for me, I would marry, and love him, regardless, probably with, or without, the Church´s blessing.

I believe LOVE is what is key, even over the rulebook, is the conclusion I’ve arrived at. How would I consider it to be a “Catholic” marriage? I would consider it Catholic, because it contained love. Many a “Catholic marriage” doesn´t have love, and I would consider this scenario, where there is love, to be a Catholic marriage.

In fact, in some ways, I´d consider it to be even more love, since it is bearing everything, like love does. Love bears all things.

Now some on the forum maybe haven´t suffered…or not enough… to come to ever feel this way. I think even people with some really severe disabilities deserve a chance at love. They have often suffered their entire lives, and if they can get a shot at love, I find it unfortunate that the Church will not make an exception to allow some couples to be together.

Oh yeah, and finally, why would I consider a scenario like the above to be a “Catholic marriage”? Because both involved are practicing Catholics.

 

[Mary_Ellen]

It’s one thing to understand that intellectually. It’s quite another as a woman to look at a body that’s unable to bear a child and wonder how you could ever make a Catholic marriage work. With so much focus on motherhood where does the woman who cannot be fit in?

I cannot have children. I can validly marry and would like to. It would be a Catholic marriage in every way.

 

[ClearWater]

Since any women even remotely in my age range would likely be past child bearing, yes. Any takers?

See what I mean? We are driven by love, not the constant need to procreate.

 

[ClearWater]

I cannot have children. I can validly marry and would like to. It would be a Catholic marriage in every way.

Yeah, there´s that, too. Even the Church will allow a person to marry under those circumstances, just providing the marriage can be at least consumated.

I rest my case!

 

[Vicki_T]

What about people like myself who simply GASP have absolutely no desire to have children?? Yes, people like me exist and no we are not wrong or abnormal or selfish or any of the other insults that other people sling at us. It’s a choice and a feeling. Like someone else said, a marriage is first and foremost a love and unity between two people. If those two people decide that they don’t want children, well that’s their choice and them exercising their free will. People look at me and think I am some type freak for not wanting them, but I am proud of myself for knowing myself and knowing what I want and having my own opinions and not necessarily doing what society expects me to do. You can live a completely filling and satisfying and HOLY life without having children. People say I’m selfish for not wanting them but I think it’s worse to have kids when you don’t really want them in the first place and then you might end up resenting the kid and then everyone’s life is going to be miserable.

Bottom line, if you want kids, that’s great. If you don’t want kids, that’s great too. God is still going to love you anyway.

 

[Xantippe]

Indeed, but the question is not can you but would you.

If one met the right person, certainly.

 

[EasterJoy]

What about people like myself who simply GASP have absolutely no desire to have children?? Yes, people like me exist and no we are not wrong or abnormal or selfish or any of the other insults that other people sling at us. It’s a choice and a feeling. Like someone else said, a marriage is first and foremost a love and unity between two people. If those two people decide that they don’t want children, well that’s their choice and them exercising their free will. People look at me and think I am some type freak for not wanting them, but I am proud of myself for knowing myself and knowing what I want and having my own opinions and not necessarily doing what society expects me to do. You can live a completely filling and satisfying and HOLY life without having children. People say I’m selfish for not wanting them but I think it’s worse to have kids when you don’t really want them in the first place and then you might end up resenting the kid and then everyone’s life is going to be miserable.

Bottom line, if you want kids, that’s great. If you don’t want kids, that’s great too. God is still going to love you anyway.

You don’t have to want children if you marry, not any more than a priest has to want to be assigned to a parish. You only have to be open to having them.

It is a little odd to feel proud about not wanting children, but it is simply wrong to think someone is a freak for not wanting children. It is a serious obligation and a constant duty. The child will be profoundly affected by how you parent. While of course it is possible to not want children for selfish reasons, it is also possible to want children for selfish reasons. It is the motive that makes one more or less in tune to doing the will of God.

God loves you no matter what, but if you want a relationship you may not presume that it will have no effect on the relationship if doing God’s will is something that holds no interest for you. I trust you were not saying that, but rather that God accepts the way we are and can work with anything, if we are willing to love him and be obedient.

 

[1ke]

What about people like myself who simply GASP have absolutely no desire to have children?? Yes, people like me exist and no we are not wrong or abnormal or selfish or any of the other insults that other people sling at us. It’s a choice and a feeling. Like someone else said, a marriage is first and foremost a love and unity between two people. If those two people decide that they don’t want children, well that’s their choice and them exercising their free will. People look at me and think I am some type freak for not wanting them, but I am proud of myself for knowing myself and knowing what I want and having my own opinions and not necessarily doing what society expects me to do. You can live a completely filling and satisfying and HOLY life without having children. People say I’m selfish for not wanting them but I think it’s worse to have kids when you don’t really want them in the first place and then you might end up resenting the kid and then everyone’s life is going to be miserable.

Bottom line, if you want kids, that’s great. If you don’t want kids, that’s great too. God is still going to love you anyway.

This is incompatible with Christian marriage.

Marriage is not “first and foremost” about love between two people. Marriage, and marital relations, must be ordered to unity AND procreation.

Purposely and permanently excluding children from a marriage at the time of the vows is an impediment to valid marriage. One cannot validly marry with a permanent intention against children. It invalidates the attempt at marriage by the very nature of the exclusion of an essential property of marriage.

The OP is talking about people who have a physical inability to have children, not those who have set their will against children.

 

[1ke]

You don’t have to want children if you marry

Be careful Easter, while what you say is true you also cannot set your will *against *children. Permanent intentions against children are an impediment to valid marriage.

 

[His_helpmeet]

Women especially, if you could not have children, would you still marry? How would you understand this as a Catholic marriage if children were simply not an option?

I have a medical condition that it makes it difficult (if not impossible) for me to conceive. DH and I would like to have biological children, but we are not sure if it’s a possibility. I was diagnosed with this condition about a year before we got married. DH was with me when I was diagnosed so he knew about it, understood the potential consequences, and decided to marry me anyway. (In fact, on the day we found out, he took me to dinner afterwards to cheer me up.) He said it would only make a difference if he planned to use me as a baby machine - which he didn’t. We are considering the possibility of adoption.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Women especially, if you could not have children, would you still marry? How would you understand this as a Catholic marriage if children were simply not an option?

I would be faithful to the Church. If the Church allowed it and I was able to perform the act then I would. If I did not have the working body parts for marriage then I would not.

 

[Roxygirl1488]

Yes I would marry then I would adopt like 20 kids

 

[Nelka]

Adopt.

 

[Falco]

Interesting permutations of couples being able or not able to have children!

If you are able to have sex, but choose to not have sex within your marriage, by mutual consent, (Josephite marriage), they will marry you. You may change your mind.

If one of you is infertile, but both able to have sex, they will marry you. Miracles have been known to happen, quite often, and babies come.

If one of you is unable to have sex, they will NOT marry you. Not will they allow you to live in the same house, unmarried, as it gives rise to scandal. You are doomed to live alone and loveless, no matter how ancient you are, because your church will not marry you.

Now comes the question of the woman with a hysterectomy, done for all the right reasons, able to have sex, but not bear children. Will they marry them? I await an answer with interest.

 

[Xantippe]

I

If one of you is unable to have sex, they will NOT marry you. Not will they allow you to live in the same house, unmarried, as it gives rise to scandal. You are doomed to live alone and loveless, no matter how ancient you are, because your church will not marry you.

**I don’t think that a group of 70-something co-ed housemates would generate a lot of scandal, as long as there were more than two housemates and everybody had their own personal space.

Heck, I don’t think co-ed housemates are scandalous at any age. It’s no more scandalous than opposite sex unmarried tenants inhabiting the same apartment complex.

**

Now comes the question of the woman with a hysterectomy, done for all the right reasons, able to have sex, but not bear children. Will they marry them? I await an answer with interest.

Of course.

 

[12345678]

I don’t think that a group of 70-something co-ed housemates would generate a lot of scandal, as long as there were more than two housemates and everybody had their own personal space.

Heck, I don’t think co-ed housemates are scandalous at any age. It’s no more scandalous than opposite sex unmarried tenants inhabiting the same apartment complex.

I very much disagree. Co-ed housemates can be scandalous, aside from risking other things, and it is not the same as living in the same apartment complex.

 

[Xantippe]

I very much disagree. Co-ed housemates can be scandalous, aside from risking other things, and it is not the same as living in the same apartment complex.

Is renting a room in a boarding house or is renting a room in a large house scandalous?

That’s essentially the same thing (although there might be cultural differences that would come into play).

When I was in college and Protestant, the staff for the Protestant fellowship I belonged to rented one of those big old Victorian houses off of campus (you know the kind that has seemingly endless bedrooms?). The men staffers had one side of the house and the women had the other (there was a rough logical division–in a different house, you might split by floors). I don’t know what their rules were for fraternization, but it was a reasonable arrangement given their facility and I managed not to be scandalized.

Plus in the case of older people, at some age, people stop thinking that an older couple that lives under a single roof must be having sex. Lots of people stop having sex at a surprisingly early age, even if they’re married. (Witness all the “sexless marriage” threads on CAF and similar queries in advice columns.)

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I hesitated to reply as I’m not Catholic, but let me give a two-part answer:

1. Of course I would marry if I found a suitable spouse. I may or may not adopt. Depends on the circumstance. I do feel somewhat of a pull towards adopting a daughter from a country, such as China, where many girls are abandoned due to strong cultural preferences for sons.
2. I have seen nothing in Catholic doctrine that states that an infertile person should not marry, or that a married couple is obligated to adopt children if they have no biological ones. So I certainly wouldn’t see infertility as an obstacle to becoming Catholic.