Would you pay for college for daughter who smokes pot?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Country_Gal
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
C

Country_Gal

Guest
I just found out that my almost 19 yr old daughter smokes pot. She has been accepted to university, had a 3.8 + grade point average, is a virgin, and wants to go into nursing. Her father died when she was 3 and I recently got a compensation from the Federal government for his death from cancer, because he was exposed to a chemical in his work at a government covered facility under the The Energy Employees Occupational Illness Compensation Program Act. I have $50,000 for each of the girls set aside from that for their college.

She is accusing me of hoarding social security money during her childhood and other ridiculous accusations. I’ve worked hard as an RN and the social security has been a substitute for her father’s income. I’ve invested in some rental houses and have been prudent, and it hasn’t been easy for me. Now it looks like I’m the bad guy, in her eyes. Her younger sister is backing her up, and I’m outnumbered.

Now we are having a big blow up. I’m so distraught!
 
I wouldn’t pay for a child’s college period. It’s poor financial planning. They can get grants, scholarships, and loans and have plenty of time to pay them off. You are nearing retirement and need to save all you can to take care of yourself as you age, especially when you don’t know what the economy will do.

That said if I was going to pay for it I wouldn’t rescind it because of pot smoking. I graduated college with 2 degrees, one minor, and 2 certificates with a 3.8 GPA and several law school acceptance letters. I smoked a lot in college. Interestingly enough so did the very well known and respected professor who wrote my recommendation and got one of my papers published.
 
Thanks for your advise. I believe in helping with college and avoiding debt. The money in question, I divided up 3 ways. The girls were deprived of the benefit of a father because of his death from cancer and I feel strongly they at least deserve a college education and start of life if I can possibly help.

She seems to have a sense of entitlement on some level. On the other hand, she worked full time last summer and bought her own car. She is a good student and wants to follow my footsteps into nursing.

Pot was recently legalized in my state. Yet, I’m against it. I smoked it while young and think it’s destructive.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I wouldn’t pay for a child’s college period. It’s poor financial planning. They can get grants, scholarships, and loans and have plenty of time to pay them off. You are nearing retirement and need to save all you can to take care of yourself as you age, especially when you don’t know what the economy will do.

That said if I was going to pay for it I wouldn’t rescind it because of pot smoking. I graduated college with 2 degrees, one minor, and 2 certificates with a 3.8 GPA and several law school acceptance letters. I smoked a lot in college. Interestingly enough so did the very well known and respected professor who wrote my recommendation and got one of my papers published.
Click to expand...
Your statements are unrealistic. The expected payback for student loans today for a teacher or social worker of student loans ranges from 22 to 32 years. The daughter is very fortunate to have a mother who has managed to provide such support.
 
Most 18 year olds have some sense of entitlement. A little time living on her own and having to take responsibility for everything in her day to day life should clear that right up.😉
 
epan said:
Your statements are unrealistic. The expected payback for student loans today for a teacher or social worker of student loans ranges from 22 to 32 years. The daughter is very fortunate to have a mother who has managed to provide such support.
Click to expand...
Many people have successfully paid for their own educations. Frankly it is easier for a young professional to take on that responsibility than for someone within 15 years of retirement to put themselves out like that. And trust me, her kids would rather pay back student loans than be responsible for their mother’s health and wellbeing. The world is a very uncertain place for retirees right now.
 
I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with how the medical community views the use of recreational drugs. (Also, although your state may have legalized pot, as far as I know it is still a violation of federal law).

So, if this comes to light during her college or medical training to the administration- how will it be viewed? Is this considered ok for RN students? Or by medical employers? Could this in fact become a barrier to her following you into nursing?
 
styrgwillidar said:
I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with how the medical community views the use of recreational drugs. (Also, although your state may have legalized pot, as far as I know it is still a violation of federal law).

So, if this comes to light during her college or medical training to the administration- how will it be viewed? Is this considered ok for RN students? Or by medical employers? Could this in fact become a barrier to her following you into nursing?
Click to expand...
Good points. My employer still does drug testing, and I’ve heard cannabis is still disallowed. They only do pre-employment screening, from what I’ve seen. If they suspected impairment, they are allowed to request a screen, but I’ve never encountered that.
 
Yes, I would. It doesn’t make her a bad person at all. It’s very stigmatized in this country–mostly for political reasons that go decades back. She’s in college to learn, you’re paying for her to get an education and eventually a job. If the pot smoking directly interferes with her learning, then you might have an issue. As long as she does her work and keeps her grades up, then I think you should accept that everyone has different ideals and values and that no one (not even your daughter) will be able to live life without disappointing you.

What if you rescind your offer to pay for college and she decides not to go? She could end up wasting a lot of her time.
 
I mean, you have to make sure that she knows that this could eventually hinder her career majorly if she fails a drug test. With that being said, it’s not an end all thing to smoke while in school. I know people in med school, law school, engineering programs, etc. who smoke up every once in a while. They are very successful people. It’s not this huge deal, honestly.
I’ve seen people do way worse while drunk, but alcohol is legal, so it’s seen as being okay.

Try not to freak out too much. I’m not really into smoking or anything like that, but there are seriously way worse things your daughter could be doing, and I do believe that marijuana can be smoked responsibly in the right circumstances–just like alcohol in the right environment (and with people who have the maturity) is a perfectly acceptable way to let go, relax, and have a little fun.
 
And yeah, triple post, sorry. BlueEyed, you’re generally a poster that I really like on here. I think you provide a much needed fresh and different take on many subjects on this forum. I think you’re pretty liberal in many ways (as am I), and I really like that you share your viewpoints without being rude and holier-than-thou, while respecting that you’re on a forum for a religion to which you don’t belong (which is pretty much the same boat I’m in). But I do have to disagree with you about paying for college. My parents paid for my undergrad and are currently helping me with grad school, and if anything, I think I have a lot of guilt about it. If I had no help from them, there is no way I would have gone through with my programs, and I think that so far I’m pretty good with finances, as I still do have to budget things out. My parents are comfortable, but we’re not rich to the point where money doesn’t matter.

I’ve always been a really good student, but I never got much financial aid because of our income bracket, (and I’m fine with that as I’d rather the money go to people who otherwise might not get to go to college). Even being middle or upper middle class will often make it hard to get certain scholarships, but that doesn’t mean that your family can easily pay for a 30-40K a year education. Academic scholarships don’t always cover everything (or even a lot) no matter how good of a student you are.

You say that the daughter would rather pay for her own education than have her mother’s health at stake after retirement, but we don’t know about the mother’s financial situation. It sounds to me as though she is in a place where the money will not be putting her personal life in any type of jeopardy.
 
Country_Gal said:
She is accusing me of hoarding social security money during her childhood and other ridiculous accusations. I’ve worked hard as an RN and the social security has been a substitute for her father’s income. I’ve invested in some rental houses and have been prudent, and it hasn’t been easy for me. Now it looks like I’m the bad guy, in her eyes. Her younger sister is backing her up, and I’m outnumbered.
Click to expand...
Every family dynamic is different. So I can tell you what I think is going on and what I would do.

Money- Lets face it, your daughters are greedy. Now to be fair, we can all most likely claim that we are greedy in some way. However greed and money can destroy a family. You want to teach your kids financial responsibility, but they believe they are entitled to the family money as well. I even seen millionaires fight over parents money after the parents pass away. They did not need the money, but they thought they deserve it since it was family money.

What would I do. First I was set boundaries for the money. For example, you may want to state that you will pay for their college if they meet your expectations ( B’s and better, no drugs and drinking). I may pay for more (cell phone, books, or rent) if they do extremely well like A’s, deans list, study groups and so on. If they do not, then no extra money. I will also get them enrolled into a Dave Ramsey’s class for financial responsibility. I will not pay for their credit cards or any other debit they acquired on their own. Oh, and also go to a reasonable college for a degree. Going to private college will not land her a better job. Only she can do that.

Remember that your family is not a democracy, its a momracy (if that is not a word, then I claim it :clapping:). You set the rules and stick with them. I have seen parents (I am not kidding here) move into a smaller home to squeeze out there college dropout kids. They could not say “no or get a job” when they returned home so they moved to a nice, smaller apartment that was 1 bedroom to prevent their two children from living with them. They did move out when they made the switch so I guessed it worked. However mom still pays for their cell phone (kids are 19 and 23).

To be fair again, I still like it when my mom pays for our lunches and such like today (Thanks mom 👍). It saves me money :twocents:. Living on just my teachers salary is hard enough as it is. I would never question her (unless I thought she was in financial trouble and I could help) if she decided never to pay for anything else again even though I know she can afford it. It is not her place to support me forever.

I hope this helps in some small way. Good luck with your kids.
 
epan said:
Your statements are unrealistic. The expected payback for student loans today for a teacher or social worker of student loans ranges from 22 to 32 years. The daughter is very fortunate to have a mother who has managed to provide such support.
Click to expand...
I think that is the best answer. Of course you should pay. She is a good student, she have plans for her future, she has show that she can support her self.
 
Whether or not you decide to pay, I think the daughter’s disrespect should be addressed. Is she still living with you? Then you have house rules that, while under your roof, she ought to follow, and if one of those house rules is no drugs, well then she needs to respect them. If she’s not, then there’s not much you can do but remind her that employers may not look too kindly on such behavior (as someone already mentioned), and pray for her. Well, pray for her whether or not she’s living with you, lol.

I suppose if you wanted, you could always do the prodigal son…er…in this case daughter…bit and give her the money that you had technically set aside for her, and tell her (with love) that this is all you are able to give, it was set aside for her, particularly for college, and she can do with it as she pleases, but that’s that. There’s no more after that because of [reasons here], and you just don’t/won’t have anymore. 🤷

Dunno if this is helpful, but from my end, my parents told me they could afford to pay only 4 years of my schooling, and anything after would have to come from me (by getting a job/loans). Also, I took out loans to live off of (rent, food, gas, etc.). They did keep paying for my phone, because we were on a family plan so it was better/cheaper that way rather than having a separate plan, but I was expected to contribute at least some portion of it, which I thought was fair. 🤷

Whatever happens, good luck and God bless you and your family!!

-Grey
 
Lasting_faith said:
I think that is the best answer. Of course you should pay. She is a good student, she have plans for her future, she has show that she can support her self.
Click to expand...
By engaging in recreational drug use that could easily end the career that she has chosen? Try testing positive for drugs and keeping a career in the medical field - especially at the entry level.
 
Country_Gal said:
Good points. My employer still does drug testing, and I’ve heard cannabis is still disallowed. They only do pre-employment screening, from what I’ve seen. If they suspected impairment, they are allowed to request a screen, but I’ve never encountered that.
Click to expand...
If you ever have an accident of any kind that results in damage to property or an injury to yourself or another employee your employee most likely require drug testing - usually a a condition set by their insurance company.

So even if you smoked weed a week ago on the weekend and didn’t do anything wrong - when your coworker drops a glass on your foot in the break room that results in a cut that requires stitches - good chance you just lost your job.
 
“She is accusing me of hoarding social security money during her childhood and other ridiculous accusations. I’ve worked hard as an RN and the social security has been a substitute for her father’s income. I’ve invested in some rental houses and have been prudent, and it hasn’t been easy for me. Now it looks like I’m the bad guy, in her eyes. Her younger sister is backing her up, and I’m outnumbered.”

And where would they be if you hadn’t “hoarded” and had spent every dime of the Social Security money? In a really bad place. If the government wanted SS money to be kept in trust for orphans until they reached 18, that would be done automatically. $50k may get a child through college, but it’s going to be a squeaker. Do your daughters understand how rare it is for parents these days to have even that much in cash ready for college expenses?

Tell your daughters that you’re really upset by her attitude. Tell them that there will not be further college support unless they make time to go with you to Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University and family counseling. I’m sure you are all super busy people, but your relationships are on the line, and this could cause all of you decades of harm if you don’t fix this now.

I would not be inclined to give any college money to a child who was ungrateful and falsely accused me of stealing.

By the way, this would be very unfortunate, but do you think there is any chance that the oldest is having mental health issues? This is not medical advice, but marijuana can exacerbate schizophrenia and trigger paranoia, but you probably know that already.

drugabuse.gov/publications/marijuana-abuse/there-link-between-marijuana-use-mental-illness
 
I took my daughter to see Dave Ramsey speak recently. She is actually very prudent about money. She really has a lot going for her.

I wrote her a letter today telling her that drug testing will be required, I’m pretty sure nursing schools require it too these days a nursing student recently informed me. Also any major car accident where she is the driver will test. And informed her that it stays in her system for up to a month. Since it’s only legal here at age 21 than any amount in her system will be a blight on her record.

I also informed her that she will have to pay for drug testing periodically in order to receive funds from me for school. I’m just not going to pay if she continues with this.
 
As far as mental health issues, no. I think she was being nasty to her mother. She picked a fight, we had a blow up, she left her Kindle on the couch and I did some rare snooping into a conversation on Facebook where she talked to my adult son about pot use.

She’s, by all outward appearances, a stable, well adjusted young lady with a good head on her shoulders. I was stunned to find out she smokes pot.
 
I’m not sure I’d be comfortable with paying college for a rude and disrespectful daughter, regardless of her GPA or the pot smoking. The behavior itself would probably halt me in my tracks.

Another thing that really jumps out at me…isn’t so much the pot smoking by itself but the choice of major she’s aspiring for.

I have no idea how competitive Nursing is in your state…but in my state it’s one of the most competitive programs anyone can get into. It’s in such high demand and the program directors and professors have a zero tolerance policy for any kind of behavior that can compromise their contracts with hospitals their students intern at.

I can guarantee your daughter if she shows up to class or, heaven forbid, a clinical rotation while high…she’ll will be promptly kicked out of the program…especially if it’s her first year. There is a massive list of qualified students, willing to pay tuition in a heartbeat, just to get her spot.
All it takes is for one nurse to complain to his/her boss that her intern is under the influence and she doesn’t feel comfortable having this intern around her patients. A phone call will be made and the intern will be pulled immediately.

Completing college and smoking pot or drinking regularly is one thing. It can certainly be done and it has been done many times.

But it’s a whole other ball game for degrees that put you out into the public. Teaching, nursing, med students…all require you to work with students or patients. It reflects directly on the college if the students they send are ill-equipt to work with these people. Contracts are on the line…and it would be far easier to drop the trouble student from the program then deal with the scandal of a lost contract.

Urine tests and breathalyzers may or may not be required. But if a nurse suspects something is up with an intern…she will say something. I promise you that. You need to make that crystal clear with your daughter.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top