Would you pay for college for daughter who smokes pot?

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“I took my daughter to see Dave Ramsey speak recently. She is actually very prudent about money. She really has a lot going for her.”

Good. I’ve heard DR field phone calls from mothers who get child support and feel guilty about not spending every dime on the child right away or not saving all the money for the child’s college, and DR invariably tells them that if their child is fed, clothed and housed, they are doing fine. You’ve done the right thing.

It would be really crazy to fund nursing school for your daughter, knowing that her pot habit could keep her from working in nursing.

My feeling about pot users who are really defensive about it is, if it isn’t addictive, then why can’t they quit?
 
I wholeheartedly agree. She needs to get her act together. She can move out and get a job if need be. Thanks for all the advise.
 
I would also add, that it depends on the cost of the school. The most expensive school which I attended now costs $70-95K per year, depending on whether you attend for three quarters or four quarters. A four year degree costs upwards of $300K.

Not many people can afford that without finding financial assistance and/or loans.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I wouldn’t pay for a child’s college period. It’s poor financial planning. They can get grants, scholarships, and loans and have plenty of time to pay them off.
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I disagree strongly with the above. Certainly a parent should prioritize their own retirement, but to expect a child to rely on student loans for their post-high school education is to invite financial ruin upon the child. Kids are graduating with bachelor’s degrees with $100k of student loan debt. Unless they have studied a remunerative subject like the physical sciences or engineering, they are not likely to make enough income to support both paying off student loans and an adult lifestyle (marriage, kids, home ownership, etc.) It is a tremendous financial burden for a young person starting out. And, it is even worse if the child’s chosen profession requires graduate study.

I strongly disapprove of drugs. But, if the child was known to already be using the drugs, but was otherwise behaving responsibly and especially was able to maintain good grades, I think I would still pay to put the child through college. Because so many incoming freshman drop out during their first year of college (and since the child uses drugs, she might be at higher risk of dropping out), I think it would be financially prudent to require that she first attend a less expensive state school or a community college, and then let her transfer to a better one later if she does well. I do think that a parent could make payment for college contingent on the child stopping her drug use (it might be a strong motivator).
 
mafh said:
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. Kids are graduating with bachelor’s degrees with $100k of student loan debt. Unless they have studied a remunerative subject like the physical sciences or engineering, they are not likely to make enough income to support both paying off student loans and an adult lifestyle (marriage, kids, home ownership, etc.)

…
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A lesson in economics, if the degree won’t pay-off and you can’t afford it, pursue another degree or another method. For example, going to a state’s junior/community colleges for two years and get all the pre-requisites and general ed requirements out of the way.

To the OP,

Recommend you sit down and have a serious talk with your daughter about the incompatibility between pot and her desired occupation. Weird stuff does happen and why risk this being discovered and ruining her future. Is the drug really worth the risk? There are a myriad of ways this could come to light.

Regardless of legalities- she needs to consider what she wants in life and what she is willing to do to get there. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices. Some jobs have serious repercussions for any alcohol related incidents, it just goes with the job.

But I don’t think I’d make a lot of financial sacrifices for someone who isn’t willing to abide by the restrictions that come with the occupation they claim they want.
 
With my children, we look at our financial situation and let them know we can pay X towards their college costs. The payment of X is based on them obeying our rules and standards (which include no illegal activity such as drugs, and morality standards such as co-habituating, and personal standards such as no tattoos and getting decent grades.)

As adults they can choose to follow our standards and get the assistance or not. 🤷 Their choice. I also make it clear that while I expect our standards to be followed - the penalty only applies to things I am aware of - I don’t test, I don’t snoop, I don’t do physical exams, I don’t drop in unexpectedly. So could they get away with a lot - yeah, they could.

On the other hand, this set up allows me to be clear about what we believe is to be correct behavior, while allowing enough room that if they make a mistake, their funding is not automatically taken away. It also makes them be aware of their behavior and choices and make plans to deal with the consequences (either by deciding against them, or at least making sure the outcome is not easily detectable). Thus my goal is accomplished.
And in a world where almost anything goes, they have a legitimate, easily explained reason to say ‘no’ (aka my mom would not only kill me, they’d take away the $ and I’d have to drop out).

I also found that it works best to never, ever cover spending money. We put money towards tuition and if we can some towards books and room&board. (Trust me - six kids, low income, paying for all of it is never an option - the amount we pay towards their education is based on where we are financially at the time which reflects how much OT versus how many days laid off my husband has accrued.) Anyway, then when dd calls talking about the $250 dance shoes she just bought, I can just rejoice with her in her happiness over them since it was her own money she earned that paid for them rather than fret about whether or not it was a good decision.

As far as other monetary support - until they graduate, they have all the shelter, food, basic clothing, laundry, and other basic essentials of life available to them here - if they choose to use them. I do not track how much that does or does not cost per individual child.
 
I think you should make her work and get good grades, and pull the plug if she starts slacking. If pot is legal in your state and she is doing her work, then pot is not a sin.
 
Et_Cetera said:
Yes, I would. It doesn’t make her a bad person at all. It’s very stigmatized in this country–mostly for political reasons that go decades back. She’s in college to learn, you’re paying for her to get an education and eventually a job. If the pot smoking directly interferes with her learning, then you might have an issue. As long as she does her work and keeps her grades up, then I think you should accept that everyone has different ideals and values and that no one (not even your daughter) will be able to live life without disappointing you.

What if you rescind your offer to pay for college and she decides not to go? She could end up wasting a lot of her time.
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This is true!
 
I don’t know how much college costs where you are, but $50,000 is not going to cover the cost of any education I have been looking at.

Where is she getting the money for the pot? Are you going to also go into debt on top of the money you have already set aside for her while she is smoking her money away?

It is her education in the end. She needs to be invested as much if not more than you are. Whatever money she is spending on the pot, you could be saving or spending on something else.
 
I think you’ve been given some good advice. I will also add my two cents 🙂

I lost my dad at the age of 16 (to cancer). My mother received the SS benefits as a replacement for child support (my parents were divorced). I did not feel that she hoarded it as I received the benefit of it – a roof over my head and food in my belly!!!

I think it’s commendable for you to set aside the money for their college; however, that is your choice. It is not a requirement from what I understand of your post. I would not let my daughter, no matter what the age, speak to me like your daughter spoke to you. If she’s adult enough to act that way, she’s adult enough to support herself without any assistance from me. Now, she is 19, if I remember correctly, which occasionally requires an attitude adjustment 😃 I would set out the requirements for me paying for college – good grades, no pot smoking (and I would require the drug testing). I would pay for the basics – in-state tuition, dorm/dorm food. Any extras they can pay with a part-time job (and I think $50,000 will buy your basic education at least based on the numbers I have heard. I think the average is $9,000/year). Or she could live at home to save money.

If those terms are unacceptable to her, she’s free to move out on her own and have the pink slip to her life. I put myself through college mostly – I did have some assistance from a trust set up by my dad and my mom and step-dad provided some necessities; but I worked almost full-time and chose a school I could afford with the budget I had. It can be done but it takes work. Nobody is going to sit back and hand you an education.
 
3.8 gpa is pretty impressive. Whatever she is doing is working well for her.
 
Personally, I would put some restrictions on the payment of college.
For example: a class with an ‘A’ = 100% payment, a class with a B = 80% payment, a class with a C = 50% payment…anything lower than a C = $0.
IMO she needs to honor her father’s memory by using the funds in an honorable way.
I wouldn’t provide a blanket amount, or a guarantee of 4 years of school paid etc. but that’s just me.
I would also stress the fact that she could seriously undermine her chances in the HEALTHCARE industry by using pot. Cigarettes are legal, but that doesn’t mean that they are good for you. Hopefully in going through her RN classes, she will learn enough about the damage smoking anything, including pot, can do to your body and she will stop.

HTH!
 
My daughter tells me she will not be smoking pot anymore. I spoke to her best friend’s mom, her daughter has had a problem with pot and shoplifting. This friend has always been raised up by my daughter’s influence, but now it’s the opposite, she has negatively affected my daughter, and has dragged her down.

My daughter will be going to a State University and has won over $20,000 in scholarships. She and I are talking now about some of her friend’s troubles. She knows she will be drug tested. She really is a good person and I think everything will be okay.
 
Country_Gal said:
My daughter tells me she will not be smoking pot anymore. I spoke to her best friend’s mom, her daughter has had a problem with pot and shoplifting. This friend has always been raised up by my daughter’s influence, but now it’s the opposite, she has negatively affected my daughter, and has dragged her down.

My daughter will be going to a State University and has won over $20,000 in scholarships. She and I are talking now about some of her friend’s troubles. She knows she will be drug tested. She really is a good person and I think everything will be okay.
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👍

Glad to hear.

As for your daughter…outstanding work! Good for her!
 
No! Our rules were no pay if any drugs involved, and alcohol excess. Worked for us.
 
Kelfa28 said:
👍

Glad to hear.

As for your daughter…outstanding work! Good for her!
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Thank you. I have one more to go, her younger sister, who is a 3.98 grade point average, and wants to be a nurse anesthetist. She also has smoked pot. But she actually has a great head on her shoulders, is extremely goal oriented, and also doesn’t date or experiment sexually. They are both gorgeous, blue eyed blond, but look down on high school boys as not worth their time. They’ve seen so many girls in their peer group having sex, they never wanted the drama and embarrassment of all that, thank God!
 
Country_Gal said:
My daughter tells me she will not be smoking pot anymore. I spoke to her best friend’s mom, her daughter has had a problem with pot and shoplifting. This friend has always been raised up by my daughter’s influence, but now it’s the opposite, she has negatively affected my daughter, and has dragged her down.

My daughter will be going to a State University and has won over $20,000 in scholarships. She and I are talking now about some of her friend’s troubles. She knows she will be drug tested. She really is a good person and I think everything will be okay.
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That’s great - hope God blesses both of you as she goes off to school 🙂
 
One thing that I’m puzzled about is that, my daughter told me that two mothers, who are conservative, one a practicing Catholic, and one a practicing Christian, knew about her pot usage. Their daughters are friends with mine, and don’t use pot. She said the Catholic Mom just shrugged it off. Why would they not tell me, we are FB friends, she has my number and my email.

I’m considering asking the Catholic one, I’m friendly with her, why she didn’t inform me of my daughter’s pot usage. I might send her an email about this. What do you think?🤷
 
Country_Gal said:
One thing that I’m puzzled about is that, my daughter told me that two mothers, who are conservative, one a practicing Catholic, and one a practicing Christian, knew about her pot usage. Their daughters are friends with mine, and don’t use pot. She said the Catholic Mom just shrugged it off. Why would they not tell me, we are FB friends, she has my number and my email.

I’m considering asking the Catholic one, I’m friendly with her, why she didn’t inform me of my daughter’s pot usage. I might send her an email about this. What do you think?🤷
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They probably didn’t want to get into the middle of a situation that they were uncertain about. For example - in my own mind pot is illegal, a health hazard, and in general a very poor, potential disastrous choice. As shared by other posters, these views are not the same as other people. Just like I find underage drinking abhorrent - but other parents I know feel that it’s no big deal and prefer to let kids drink at their house where they’ll be “supervised”. (Needless to say my kids don’t attend events at their houses.)

So perhaps they didn’t see it as a serious matter and/or were unsure how you viewed it. Perhaps either your daughter or hers only revealed that information after swearing her to secrecy and she didn’t want to break her word to the girl(s).

If you email her, I’d simply say that you were dismayed to find out your daughter was using, that you know that it was a tough situation for your friend to be in, but that in the future if she knows of anything going on that might put your daughter at risk, you’d appreciate it if she’d clue you in - and that you’ll do likewise.
 
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