Would you stand for a blessing after mass on Mother's Day if your only child(ren) died?

[Stella_Matutina]

Mother’s Day (in fact, most holidays) can be a difficult time for those who have lost a child.
How do women cope if their child(ren) have died either late in life, during infancy, stillbirth or miscarriage? Do they stand on Mother’s Day after mass for a blessing?

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My story:

I was pregnant and due this June. I was expecting to be very far along come Mother’s Day this year and was looking forward to standing for my first Mother’s Day blessing at mass on Mother’s Day. Do your parishes do this? I have been Catholic for almost 9 years and each different parish I have been to has asked all mothers and “expectant” mothers to stand after mass on Mother’s Day for a special blessing. I have also seen this done on Father’s Day for fathers.

I miscarried at 11 weeks. I had a child. A child with an immortal soul created in God’s image and likeness, a beating heart, and his or her very own guardian angel. My child died.

Am I a mother?

I know it is only January but I am already dreading mass on Mother’s Day. Something that crossed my mind was, “Now I don’t get to stand for the blessing. ”

I shared this on a miscarriage support group forum on another site and someone suggested, “Just skip that church service that day.” Well-intentioned advice but obviously not Catholic. It really bothers me that this is a socially acceptable suggestion. That I should either not stand, hide at home in my grief, or stand and risk confusion and judgment from others.

At first I was thinking I would not “get” to stand but upon thinking about it, I think I will stand. If I get confused or funny looks from people- oh well.

What would you do if you have been or were in a similar situation?

If you know someone whose child(ren) died either later in life, during infancy, stillbirth or miscarriage, how do you support him or her? Do you do things to acknowledge their children? Do you feel discouraged not to either by society or at the request of the parents themselves? IMO, our culture does not know how to appropriately acknowledge and process death. We’re supposed to just be sad for 3 days (the usual time allotted for bereavement at most work places) and then move on and not talk about it. I feel that this leaves many people out there to grieve alone in shame. What can we do to help those in this situation? Because of shame, do some people not want support?

One way that you guys can support me is just by reading this post and understanding and supporting my decision to stand on Mother’s Day for a blessing. If you are Catholic, or at least know Catholic teaching, you will understand why I am standing and it will help me be brave enough to do that in the face of a society who thinks I should just sit down, grieve alone, and be ashamed for becoming emotionally attached to a “blob of tissue.”

Please share ways that you have supported others or others have supported you in acknowledging loss. I don’t believe that I have been very good at it in the past and after my latest experience, I would really like that to change.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Hi Stella,

I am very sorry for your loss.

I would definitely stand.

I had a friend who had a daughter and who also lost a daughter in a miscarriage, and she told me that it was very important to her to stand up for both of her children.

 

[Incomplete]

My heart goes out to you. And you are so right…you ARE a mother. One day you will have the joy of meeting your childr In the meantime, you honor your child by standing for a blessing.

My Catholic neighbor had a funeral for the child she miscarried. It was a good thing, to show everyone the sacredness of life, and to allow people to support them in their grief.

 

[mommamaree]

I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost two babies in miscarriage, both around the 8 week time frame. So few people acknowledge the reality and pain of miscarriage, so I think it is really good to admit the pain and grief our loss has caused, to talk about it and to allow others to talk about it.

Please do stand for the blessing on Mother’s Day. You are a mother forever now. If others ask you why you stood, you can tell them about your loss if you think you can. Maybe others will be encouraged to acknowledge miscarriage and support each other, by seeing your courage.

 

[Stella_Matutina]

You are a mother forever now. If others ask you why you stood, you can tell them about your loss if you think you can. Maybe others will be encouraged to acknowledge miscarriage and support each other, by seeing your courage.

I think I could tell them and hopefully at a Catholic church they wouldn’t be rude about it.

My heart goes out to you. And you are so right…you ARE a mother. One day you will have the joy of meeting your childr In the meantime, you honor your child by standing for a blessing.

I didn’t really think about it in terms of honoring the child… but you are right, it does. I’m excited about doing it then if I think about it in that way. Yay, thank you! No longer dreading it.

I had a friend who had a daughter and who also lost a daughter in a miscarriage, and she told me that it was very important to her to stand up for both of her children.

That is so cool she did that and shared it with you.

 

[Catholic1954]

Mother’s Day (in fact, most holidays) can be a difficult time for those who have lost a child.
How do women cope if their child(ren) have died either late in life, during infancy, stillbirth or miscarriage? Do they stand on Mother’s Day after mass for a blessing?

---

My story:

I was pregnant and due this June. I was expecting to be very far along come Mother’s Day this year and was looking forward to standing for my first Mother’s Day blessing at mass on Mother’s Day. Do your parishes do this? I have been Catholic for almost 9 years and each different parish I have been to has asked all mothers and “expectant” mothers to stand after mass on Mother’s Day for a special blessing. I have also seen this done on Father’s Day for fathers.

I miscarried at 11 weeks. I had a child. A child with an immortal soul created in God’s image and likeness, a beating heart, and his or her very own guardian angel. My child died.

Am I a mother?

I know it is only January but I am already dreading mass on Mother’s Day. Something that crossed my mind was, “Now I don’t get to stand for the blessing. ”

I shared this on a miscarriage support group forum on another site and someone suggested, “Just skip that church service that day.” Well-intentioned advice but obviously not Catholic. It really bothers me that this is a socially acceptable suggestion. That I should either not stand, hide at home in my grief, or stand and risk confusion and judgment from others.

At first I was thinking I would not “get” to stand but upon thinking about it, I think I will stand. If I get confused or funny looks from people- oh well.

What would you do if you have been or were in a similar situation?

If you know someone whose child(ren) died either later in life, during infancy, stillbirth or miscarriage, how do you support him or her? Do you do things to acknowledge their children? Do you feel discouraged not to either by society or at the request of the parents themselves? IMO, our culture does not know how to appropriately acknowledge and process death. We’re supposed to just be sad for 3 days (the usual time allotted for bereavement at most work places) and then move on and not talk about it. I feel that this leaves many people out there to grieve alone in shame. What can we do to help those in this situation? Because of shame, do some people not want support?

One way that you guys can support me is just by reading this post and understanding and supporting my decision to stand on Mother’s Day for a blessing. If you are Catholic, or at least know Catholic teaching, you will understand why I am standing and it will help me be brave enough to do that in the face of a society who thinks I should just sit down, grieve alone, and be ashamed for becoming emotionally attached to a “blob of tissue.”

Please share ways that you have supported others or others have supported you in acknowledging loss. I don’t believe that I have been very good at it in the past and after my latest experience, I would really like that to change.

Of course you are a mother and should stand for the blessing; your child is in heaven waiting to meet you!:angel1:

 

[EasterJoy]

You ought to stand, unless you don’t want to, because you are a mother. There are people in the world that do not understand that a child is fully a child from the moment of conception, but surely we do!

Consider this: When we say the Creed, we bow at the mention of the Incarnation, when the Lord took flesh. There are two days of the year, however, when we genuflect, and put our knee to the ground. When are those days? On the Solemnity of the Nativity, on which the Lord’s birth is commemorated, and on the Solemnity of the Annunciation, which commemorates the day he was conceived. You, like Our Lady, said “yes,” and you were obedient to carry the child the Lord gave you. You are a mother!

There is a book out lately titled, “Heaven is For Real,” about what turned out to have been the near-death experience of a then-three-year-old boy. I say “what turned out to have been” because the boy told his story to his parents some time after his experience, and in bits and pieces. One of the things he confronted them with is that he had a sister in Heaven whom they had neglected to tell him about! She had died in a miscarriage, too, a year before her brother was born, and yet this little boy knew details about her that no one had ever spoken about. He had enjoyed meeting her, and looked forward to seeing her again when he went to Heaven to stay.

Your child in heaven has a family on earth, and you as a mother. By all means, if you want to do it, you ought to stand. If you don’t stand, realize that there are other mothers who also do not stand, for reasons of their own, and that is OK, too.

 

[Allegra]

You should stand if you want to. You certainly are a mother.

 

[judynurse]

I lost 5 children (all of the ones I conceived) at a point between 12 weeks and 6 1/2 months. I didn’t used to stand for the Mother’s Day Blessing, but I do now. My children, all five of them, are with the Lord, but I am still a Mother. My dear spouse, who died 2 years ago, gave me a Mother’s Day card and flowers every year! I am and will always be (in this life, anyway) a Mother and proud of it.

 

[Incomplete]

I lost 5 children (all of the ones I conceived) at a point between 12 weeks and 6 1/2 months. I didn’t used to stand for the Mother’s Day Blessing, but I do now. My children, all five of them, are with the Lord, but I am still a Mother. My dear spouse, who died 2 years ago, gave me a Mother’s Day card and flowers every year! I am and will always be (in this life, anyway) a Mother and proud of it.

You lost 5 children? I don’t even know what to say. That must have been terrible. I’m so glad your husband was understanding, and sorry to hear of your loss of him as well! So much grief! But so much joy to look forward to one day at the family reunion!

 

[jlc2k2]

I agree that you should stand on Mother’s Day.

I also agree that society doesn’t know how to deal with death, particularly miscarriage and stillbirth. I haven’t been in your exact situation but I did have an early miscarriage this past summer. So early that no one knew we were pregnant so we only told immediate family and the parish staff it had happened. Our parish staff helped the best they could but honestly I have had a really hard time finding any Catholic resources beyond the blessing that we received from our deacon and the burial. Only once has anyone spoken to me about the miscarriage without me starting the conversation since the blessing in August and that was DH asking me if I still think about it. That said, even if they don’t know how to help, I can’t imagine anyone in my parish questioning any woman’s right to stand for the blessing on Mother’s Day.

From the perspective of what I have done for others, my nephew was stillborn 5 years ago. I haven’t done as much as I would have liked for my SIL but I have done 2 things:

1. I pray for my nephew, my SIL, my BIL, and their daughter who was born prematurely 2 years later every day at least once. I don’t tell my SIL because I’m not sure how she would take it but I hope my prayers have helped in some small way.
2. We try to participate in the March For Babies in some fashion each year. It is something that is very important to my SIL.

 

[judynurse]

jlc2k2 :: Have you looked in your area for a grief support group? We have one lady who had two children die – unfortunately, both by drowning a few years apart while on vacations at a lake. She started a support group for those who had lost children. I lead 2 groups, one at my Parish for Catholics and one outside the Parish for Protestants and others who have lost their spouses in the past few years. I also talk a lot with a close friend whose husband left her for another woman,& had one daughter who died of a disease at age 16. If you need someone to talk to about the pain of miscarriage and how to heal, please PM me. I lost all 5 in a previous marriage, where my (non-Catholic) spouse decided he wanted no children, as it would take my constant attention away from him, so he would beat me, particularly in the abdomen to force a miscarriage. I stayed in that marriage for 24 years, because I had insisted on being married in the Catholic Church and had never heard of “annulments”. It got to the point he was almost killing me, and broke a lot of my bones and my Bishop told me to GET OUT. I obtained an annulment. I lost all 5 in a period of 4 1/2 years. Named them all (even if I wasn’t sure if they were boys or girls) and ask them regularly to pray for me I did remarry in my 50’s. My departed husband( of 2 years ago) never had children and wanted them very much. His first marriage lasted 38 years, his wife died of cancer. When we married, I told him he was now the father of my children and I would ask that they would pray for him. When he died of cancer 15 1/2 years later, he told me he would tell all of them I loved them and so did he. He was a precious man and a devout convert.

 

[Deltadeliquent]

My situation is a bit different…
I lost my six year old daughter a few years ago. I do have my first born, a son still living.

When ever someone asks me how many children I have, I always say two. And then I say but my daughter died at six.

I would NEVER not include her when telling someone about myself.

Coventry Cathedral in England has a tradition where the lost children are blessed on a special ceremony each year, and their names written in the book that is kept in the Cathedral.

coventrycathedral.org.uk/life-here/remember-our-child.php

 

[Stella_Matutina]

Your child in heaven has a family on earth, and you as a mother. By all means, if you want to do it, you ought to stand. If you don’t stand, realize that there are other mothers who also do not stand, for reasons of their own, and that is OK, too.

Yes, if a woman chooses not to stand for whatever reason (maybe she had an abortion(s), placed a baby in a closed adoption, who knows) I can respect that and her privacy. On the flip side, if a woman wants to stand because she’s a stepmother for example, go for it!

 

[Stella_Matutina]

I guess where all of my anxt about this is coming from is that I am a convert and no one on my side of the family is Catholic or pro-life. They have been mostly supportive of what I have gone through recently but not necessarily acknowledging that I had a baby. They are more of the opinion that it is sad because I lost a “potential” baby. And all I have to do is try again and once I give birth to a live baby that should fix everything. This type of opinion is all so common and it just bothers me.

But I really really appreciate the support from you all. Internet strangers are providing better support than my own family! I’m not mad though because they know not what they do. Your acknowledgement of my child though really means so very much.

 

[tawny]

Yes, you should stand for the blessing. You are a Mother who has lost a child.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Aww Stella,

I am so sorry that they are not acknowledging your precious child. That makes it all of the more difficult for you.

Sending you a gentle hug. :hug1:

 

[Jennifoo]

I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost two babies in miscarriage, both around the 8 week time frame. So few people acknowledge the reality and pain of miscarriage, so I think it is really good to admit the pain and grief our loss has caused, to talk about it and to allow others to talk about it.

Please do stand for the blessing on Mother’s Day. You are a mother forever now. If others ask you why you stood, you can tell them about your loss if you think you can. Maybe others will be encouraged to acknowledge miscarriage and support each other, by seeing your courage.

Well said! I think you should definitely stand for a blessing. You are a mother. A miscarried child is no less a child in my eyes, and I couldn’t imagine anyone being rude to you about it.

One thing I wanted to share: one local Benedictine priest named Father Patrick encourages all women to stand up for a Mother’s Day blessing because we all act as mothers in some sense, whether physical, spiritual, you name it. This past Advent I was given the gift of sponsoring a child, and I will stand for the blessing on Mother’s Day. If anyone asks, I’ll show them her picture.

 

[Stella_Matutina]

I agree that you should stand on Mother’s Day.

I also agree that society doesn’t know how to deal with death, particularly miscarriage and stillbirth. I haven’t been in your exact situation but I did have an early miscarriage this past summer. So early that no one knew we were pregnant so we only told immediate family and the parish staff it had happened. Our parish staff helped the best they could but honestly I have had a really hard time finding any Catholic resources beyond the blessing that we received from our deacon and the burial. Only once has anyone spoken to me about the miscarriage without me starting the conversation since the blessing in August and that was DH asking me if I still think about it. That said, even if they don’t know how to help, I can’t imagine anyone in my parish questioning any woman’s right to stand for the blessing on Mother’s Day.

:console: I’m sorry for your loss. Loss at any time is difficult but early loss has its own unique challenges due to lack of resources for support, lack of time to bond, lack of knowledge about the baby. Some people think loss is harder the older the child but in my opinion they are just different and each has its own unique difficulties.

jlc2k2 :: I lost all 5 in a previous marriage, where my (non-Catholic) spouse decided he wanted no children, as it would take my constant attention away from him, so he would beat me, particularly in the abdomen to force a miscarriage. I stayed in that marriage for 24 years, because I had insisted on being married in the Catholic Church and had never heard of “annulments”. It got to the point he was almost killing me, and broke a lot of my bones and my Bishop told me to GET OUT. I obtained an annulment.

I’m so glad you made it out of that marriage alive! Your children are all praying for you and I love that your husband got you flowers.

My situation is a bit different…
I lost my six year old daughter a few years ago. I do have my first born, a son still living.

When ever someone asks me how many children I have, I always say two. And then I say but my daughter died at six.

I would NEVER not include her when telling someone about myself.

Coventry Cathedral in England has a tradition where the lost children are blessed on a special ceremony each year, and their names written in the book that is kept in the Cathedral.

coventrycathedral.org.uk/life-here/remember-our-child.php

Thank you for sharing about this tradition at that Cathedral. I wish more parishes did this.
I am sorry about the loss of your daughter. May I ask you some questions?
Do people ever get uncomfortable when you tell them that your daughter died? What are some Do’s and Don’ts in terms of responses. Like, do you like if they ask questions about her? Do you think it makes it more uncomfortable if they just quickly change the subject? I find in these situations sometimes, the bereaved person ends up comforting the non-bereaved and assuring them “everything’s fine” even though it is still just plain sad no matter how much time goes by.

For my situation, I like when people listen and ask questions. Not acknowledging or glossing over is just weird. And unsolicited advice or opinions, although well-intentioned is generally not helpful. If I want your opinion (like on why the miscarriage happened, for example) I’ll ask you for it.

 

[Stella_Matutina]

Well said! I think you should definitely stand for a blessing. You are a mother. A miscarried child is no less a child in my eyes, and I couldn’t imagine anyone being rude to you about it.

One thing I wanted to share: one local Benedictine priest named Father Patrick encourages all women to stand up for a Mother’s Day blessing because we all act as mothers in some sense, whether physical, spiritual, you name it. This past Advent I was given the gift of sponsoring a child, and I will stand for the blessing on Mother’s Day. If anyone asks, I’ll show them her picture.

!!! That is the most awesome thing ever!!! I love your Fr. Patrick and if you get a chance tell him I told you so.:clapping:

Have you guys ever seen this YouTube video? Someone made it to help women cope with Mother’s Day and defined motherhood starting with “love.”