Wrong to invite gay friend to wedding?

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tim23

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Hello,
My fiance, “Jenna” and I will be getting married in September, and are planning our guest lists now. We both come from Catholic families and will be married in a Catholic ceremony. Jenna has a good friend “Wendy” who she works with who happens to be a lesbian, and very much wanted to invite her to the ceremony. But Jenna’s mother, who is a devout Catholic, notified us that she will not “permit” us to invite Wendy to the wedding. Wendy and Jenna were both somewhat upset about this. Since, as is traditional, Jenna’s parents are paying for most of the ceremony, her mother feels that she has ultimate approval over who comes to the wedding and would be seriously offended to have a homosexual as a guest, and said that if we wanted to invite Wendy she would not go to the wedding.
I feel as though I am a devout Catholic as well, but I feel there is nothing wrong in inviting a homosexual friend to a wedding. I don’t feel that this implies approval of her sexual activity, nor do I feel that homosexuals should be treated as personae non grata because they are committing sin in their sexual lives.
Is my future mother-in-law being unreasonable, or are my fiance and I too lax in our moral standards?
 
The Mother in Law in being unreasonable. Jesus found enough love in his heart for prostitutes…so she is being very un-Christ-like. Remember the old saying, “Love the sinner, hate the sin.”

Anyone with true faith and prudence would see this as an opportunity for evangelism and conversion for this homosexual women, who probably has a very good heart, however disordered her sexual desires may be. What better way to bring someone to Christ than for them to witness the beauty of a sacramental marriage? The presence of Christ in Eucharist? A large gathering of faithful? These are all strong witnesses for the faith.

Maybe remind your mother in law of this, and suggest that she is interfering with a great opportunity to reach out to this woman like Christ would do (and CAN do, through us!)

I’m sorry you have to deal with this…as if wedding planning isn’t stressful enough! I hope she doesn’t single-handedly ruin this for you.
 
tim23 said:
I feel as though I am a devout Catholic as well, but I feel there is nothing wrong in inviting a homosexual friend to a wedding. I don’t feel that this implies approval of her sexual activity, nor do I feel that homosexuals should be treated as personae non grata because they are committing sin in their sexual lives.
Is my future mother-in-law being unreasonable, or are my fiance and I too lax in our moral standards?
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Tim I hope you can work it out with the family but there’s nothing intrinsically wrong in asking a gay friend to your wedding. It sounds like you have a major block to this in your future mother-in-law. The only possibility I can see is if you can get your priest to speak to your fiancee’s mother, but otherwise you seem to have to choose between her and a friend. Jesus ate and drank with publicly avowed sinners like prostitutes and tax collectors, and got into strife for it…but I suspect your fiancee’s mother is dealing not just with a religious judgement, but also with a strong emotional distaste or prejudice. Some people have a powerful reaction or distaste, and are unlike to overcome that. To threaten not to come to the wedding of her daughter indicates very strong feelings.

You have to assess whether you wish to cause family unheaval and start your marriage on a bad footing with a significant family member, or disappoint a friend.
Is there another way that you two and your friend can celebrate your marriage…anyhow I guess you have to see how things pan out.
 
Also remember that this is your wedding, not your future mother-in-law’s wedding. She is offering to pay for it, which is great, but that doesn’t give her any say in how you want your wedding to run or who you want to invite. She is paying for it as a gift and while you owe her respect and gratitude, you do not have to obey her every desire and whim. A gift is not something that can be used as leverage to get what you want.

As long as the friend doesn’t have any “partner” there and there won’t be any scandal, I’d say go ahead and invite her.
 
Your mother-in-law is basically bullying you to uphold a very UN-Christian practice of excluding a friend because of sins they may commit in private. Like a previous poster said, a very un-Christlike thing to do. If it were me I would try to gently explain this to your mother-in-law saying that it is ultimately your decision who you will invite to your wedding, and that it will sadden you if she feels unwilling to participate, but if you don’t stand up for you and your wife’s independence now, you’ll have her walking all over you for the rest of your marriage.
 
She’s probably worried that your fiance’s friend will bring a guest and there will be inappropriate public displays of affection and so forth which are not fitting for the celebration of the sacrament of marriage. You and fiance need to talk to her to find out just what the situation is. Get the priest to intervene if necessary. Is that the situation? Would Wendy be bringing a guest?

However I wonder if this is a sign of controlling issues to come. You need to have a frank discussion with Fiance about how you will not allow your future MIL to be apart of decisions that you and she will make together. She may give advice if asked but that’s it. No blackmailing or pressure. You guys really need to discuss this and form a united front. Especially if there is a history of your fiance always doing what her mother wants without standing up for herself. You may need to pay for your wedding yourselves to be independent.

I have a problem with your fiance already telling Wendy about this. Why did she do that? Not very mature or charitable of her.
 
tim23 said:
Hello,
My fiance, “Jenna” and I will be getting married in September, and are planning our guest lists now. We both come from Catholic families and will be married in a Catholic ceremony. Jenna has a good friend “Wendy” who she works with who happens to be a lesbian, and very much wanted to invite her to the ceremony. But Jenna’s mother, who is a devout Catholic, notified us that she will not “permit” us to invite Wendy to the wedding. Wendy and Jenna were both somewhat upset about this. Since, as is traditional, Jenna’s parents are paying for most of the ceremony, her mother feels that she has ultimate approval over who comes to the wedding and would be seriously offended to have a homosexual as a guest, and said that if we wanted to invite Wendy she would not go to the wedding.
I feel as though I am a devout Catholic as well, but I feel there is nothing wrong in inviting a homosexual friend to a wedding. I don’t feel that this implies approval of her sexual activity, nor do I feel that homosexuals should be treated as personae non grata because they are committing sin in their sexual lives.
Is my future mother-in-law being unreasonable, or are my fiance and I too lax in our moral standards?
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This is why it’s always best to pay for your own wedding…otherwise you pay in other ways.
 
Our Catholic faith calls us to love the sinner but hate the sin. Inviting a gay friend to your wedding should be no different than inviting anyone else who sins to your wedding! But, in your post, you didn’t say if she has a partner or not. A celibate homosexual is exactly what our Holy Mother Church calls for! If she is celibate, there should be no issue! But, is your future mother in law trying to have a sinner-free wedding for you and her daughter? If she is, she’s going to be a lonely woman at that wedding.

Who are we to judge? Jesus said that we’re not to point out the speck in our friend’s eye, when we’re missing the log in our own.

If I were in your position, and I’m glad I’m not, I would tell her that. You are not in a position to judge this woman, lesbian or not. A friend should be welcome at a wedding!
 
This is not your mother-in-law’s private party.
This is YOUR wedding.

If she wants to pay for the wedding, that’s nice of her.
But that doesn’t mean she gets to control your life.
You two are grown up people with your own minds. You should get the chance to use them without mummy being the judge of you.
 
I agree that Wendy should not be in the loop with the discussions. If I were Wendy, I would no longer want to attend a wedding where I wasn’t welcomed. I would bow out to avoid the rift.

Your future MIL sounds like a piece of work. I predict many new threads in the future about the add’l ways she is butting into your lives. Nip this now.

I cannot imagine anything that would keep me from MY daughters wedding. If I were her daughter I’d call her bluff.
 
While I do think that whoever pays for the wedding has some say on the ***number *of guests that are to be invited to the reception, I don’t believe that they have the say-so on who those people can be. Additionally, if the wedding is to be held in a parish Church, technically, anyone who shows up should be able to attend, whether they were invited or not. For Catholic weddings held in the parish Church, invitations are prior announcements of the ceremony and *invitations *to the reception.

I think this is one of those times that your fiancee needs to stand up to her mother, with you right by her side. But this really needs to be led by your fiancee. You don’t want to be fighting these kinds of battles ***for ***her. It needs to be ***with ***her. I think you should encourage your fiancee to stand up to her mother this time. A good friend is a good friend, whether she is a lesbian or not. As others have suggested, this is a good test of your fiancee’s character. I would not suggest you make this ***your ***fight. And if you are the one to speak to your future in-laws that’s how it’s going to look, even if your fiancee is backing you up.

But both you and your fiancee need to be prepared for any fall-out. In this case the fall-out could be that the $$$ go away. If you are really adults then you can live with that.

BTW, what is future FIL’s position? I’m guessing he doesn’t care but he’d rather not say anything to future MIL if he doesn’t have to.
 
Wonder if your MIL wants to screen out ALL sinners from the wedding? That would cust the costs down in most families 🙂
 
kage_ar said:
Wonder if your MIL wants to screen out ALL sinners from the wedding? That would cust the costs down in most families 🙂
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My thoughts exactly. What about that friend who is living with his girlfriend? Or, the one who had an abortion/assisted someone in getting one, or the gossip? Yes, if you cut out all gossipers you will have a nice small wedding.

Seriously, ask your soon to be mil why she doesn’t want to invite this friend, if it is because of the fear of her having PDA’s with a girlfriend/significant other then Wendy needs to be told not to do so. The invite can be “Wendy Lesbian” not “Wendy Lesbian and Friend” which is usually how invites to single friends are done so they can choose to bring a date.

Brenda V.
 
kage_ar said:
Wonder if your MIL wants to screen out ALL sinners from the wedding? That would cust the costs down in most families 🙂
Click to expand...
Exactly.

Who knows… maybe Wendy is a Catholic who hasn’t been to mass in years? The Holy Spirit might use this opportunity to touch her heart? A Catholic wedding is a beautiful example of God’s design for couples. Wendy is the perfect person to witness that.
 
Just to be clear I DO NOT side with the FMIL but I want to share something. I have a cousin that I was very close to. Like a brother. He is gay and I had him and his “boyfriend” not only come to my wedding but they were both groomsmen.:eek: As I matured in life and in faith, and as I started making a family, his lifestyle of partying and well, just being an active gay was not something I wanted to surround myself my wife or my kids with. We have grown apart, but there was no big fight or rift. He knows how I feel and I know how he feels. We are friendly at family gatherings. However, he is not with his boyfriend anymore, he has since had many others. Everytime I look at my wedding pictures (and it was absolutely AWESOME) There is just one regret. Two of my groomsmen standing there next to a beloved priest.
You did not state if this is an “active lesbian” or not nor do I really care. But I think you are going to have your share of MIL problems that is obvious (just wait until you have a new baby) But perhaps it is time to truely decide how and who you are going to spend the rest of your lives with. If I had my druthers I would ax them both.😉 Be careful of family that controls with money, you can bet that this wont be the last manipulation.
 
Is the concern that your mother in law has about your fiance’s friend trying to receive communion, or is it just that she does not like homosexuality?
 
There is absolutly NOTHING wrong with inviting someone who is gay to your wedding! Their still your guys’ friends no matter what their sexual orientation is. And thisis YOUR guys’ wedding. NOT her’s. If I was in your guys’ position I’d choose my friend over your future mother in law. Because that’s just straight up Prejudice AND non christian.

I mean, she may be sinning by engaging in sexual acts with other women, but her personal life has nothing to do with your guys’ friendship. And besides, who is your future mother in law to pass judgment on your friend? She doesn’t want to invite her because she is sinning by commiting lesbian acts? Well if that’s her reasoning for not inviting her, then she shouldn’t be inviting ANYONE to the wedding. Because we’re ALL sinners. It doesn’t matter wether we’re gay, straight, old, young, male, female, we ALL sin. So if she’s not inviting her because she’s living a sinful life, then NOBODY should come to that wedding. I mean the nerve man. That is SO messed up.

I’m getting married in August and I’m bringing a few friends of mine that are gay. There’s NOTHING wrong with that. Jesus loves EVERYONE and EVERYONE is welcome at his father’s table. Maybe you should remind your mother in law that Jesus himself said that and that Jesus doesn’t discriminate against anyone. And if your mother in law is claim to be a true Christian/Catholic then maybe she should do the same and truly follow in his footsteps. I mean really, that’s just wrong and offensive man.
 
tim23 said:
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Is my future mother-in-law being unreasonable, or are my fiance and I too lax in our moral standards?
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Your mother in law should read the Catechism section on persons with same sex attraction. It would be inappropriate for Wendy to bring a “date” to the wedding. But, it is not inappropriate for you to inviter her or for her to attend.

You have two things going on here:

(1) An ignorant mother in law
(2) A control issue that I think you need to beware of. This will follow you into your marriage. So, keep your eye out for it and make sure you and your wife are united when MIL tries to butt into your life and decisions in the future. She’s a manipulator.

You could take back the control by paying for the wedding yourself. Personally, if either of my parents were acting like a jack*ss I would be tempted to tell I’m not playing the emotional blackmail game. I will invite who I see fit. It’s their decision to come to the wedding or not. If they choose not to, it is there loss.
 
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