Wrong to invite gay friend to wedding?

[SMHW]

I think the word that should have been used was “escort”. That’s what my friends used to put on wedding invitations when it was permitted that I bring someone but the someone wasn’t specified.

Personally I think “date” is a perfectly good description. But the meaning has changed over the years so that it now implies a romantic relationship, or at least a potential one. But with “escort” that implication is not assumed.

 

[Matrix_Refugee]

Ceremonially present FMIL with a cheque to the value of “Wendy’s” meal and drinks at the reception. Problem solved - monetary clout neutralised.

:: Applauds:: Best solution yet! I like this one.

Playful comments aside… I think your FMIL is being very unreasonable and downright uncharitable. Dr. Gary Popcak, a Catholic psychologist, wrote something about how there seem to be some Christians who all but reserve a special sort of animus against their same-sex attracted brethren, which really goes counter to Christ’s message of “hate the sin, love the sinner”. It might be wise to remind her of Christ’s choice words to the Pharisees who dragged in the poor woman caught in adultery. It’s YOUR wedding, not hers, and if she’s going to micro-manage it, this could be a warning sign of things later on.

Now that I think about it… :: Waves to your FMIL:: Hi there, I’m MR and I’m a celibate bisexual and a practising Catholic.

 

[yellowbird]

I think the word that should have been used was “escort”. That’s what my friends used to put on wedding invitations when it was permitted that I bring someone but the someone wasn’t specified.

Personally I think “date” is a perfectly good description. But the meaning has changed over the years so that it now implies a romantic relationship, or at least a potential one. But with “escort” that implication is not assumed.

I agree that “date” is a good description. I have a friend who’s husband loathes all social gatherings. When her employer had social type functions, she would often call me & ask that I be her “date” for the evening. We often joked that we had more fun than we would’ve with our husbands…we are old friends and we laugh alot together.

If everyone else is encouraged to bring a guest/date to the wedding, Wendy should be allowed also and it’s nobody’s business whether or not they are engaging in sexual activity… just as it’s nobody’s business if a guest named Jim is having sex with his girlfriend Susan.

 

[Matrix_Refugee]

I agree that “date” is a good description. I have a friend who’s husband loathes all social gatherings. She would often call me & ask that I be her “date” for the evening. We often joked that we had more fun than we would’ve with our husband’s…we are old friends and we laugh alot together.

Mm, case in point the term “play date” when moms and their kids get together. I doubt that would infer that the kids are romantically involved. :: laughs::

 

[Col40]

Is my future mother-in-law being unreasonable, or are my fiance and I too lax in our moral standards?

Jenna’s mom is being unreasonable. So the church doesn’t condone homosexuality–there isn’t anything that says that someone who is gay can’t come into a church (take Communion–that’s a different story–but I’m not thinking that’s going to be the issue). And the reception? C’mon…it’s a party! Let me put it to you this way–is your mother in law going to stand out there and judge EVERY person who is coming to attend your wedding as to whether or not they’re worthy and free of sin? If so, plan on eloping because you ain’t gonna have any guests! Seriously, while homosexuality is considered a grave sin by the Catholic church–so is sex outside of marriage (and I’m guessing that a lot of your single friends might fit that bill!), extramarital affairs (does the MIL know what goes on behind closed doors with all of her friends???), and a host of other moral and venial sins that everyone walks around with–not the least of which is your MIL playing judge and jury over this friend.

Unless Wendy is planning to with her girlfriend to “put on a show” and start making out on the dance floor…it’s like any other friend who brings a “guest” to the wedding. Truthfully–no one is going to really know or care. And if they do–let them prove they’re without sin themselves!

Have a wonderful wedding day!

 

[AHapka]

You have to assess whether you wish to cause family unheaval and start your marriage on a bad footing with a significant family member, or disappoint a friend.

Sometimes causing family upheaval is the only way to demonstrate to your family that you are leaving them and cleaving to your wife. It was with my mother.

Make the point now that you and your wife make the decisions in your marriage. (name removed by moderator)ut by other people is just that…(name removed by moderator)ut. Make it clear to your family that you will make your own decisions as a married couple and not allow family to dictate what you will or will not do.

The commandment is to “honor thy father and mother.” Not obey them in everything they tell you to do. When you are a child, obedience is a significant way of honoring them. When you are an adult, it is not. Your marriage is now the second most important relationship in your life. Make that clear to your family.

Once that’s made clear, it’ll make the future a lot easier.

 

[tim23]

Well, today we had a discussion with my mother in law about the guest list, and it did not go well.

She is really pressing us to get the guest list complete so she can start budgeting, so we gave her our list, including Wendy. She saw the name and became angry. We told her that we respect her belief that homosexual activity is a sin and agree with that belief, but that Wendy was our friend who just happens to be a sinner, like us all. My MIL replied that Wendy, unlike most sinners, lives in a constant state of sinfulness because of her homosexual orientation, and would be an “evil influence” at a godly function like a marriage. When we made clear our decision to invite Wendy, my MIL said that we obviously were not taking our vows before God seriously, because we were inviting a gay person to a religious ceremony, making a mockery of the whole event. She then said we needed to think more about whether we were mature enough to enter into a religious commitment, and perhaps thinking about canceling the wedding. She then left my house in a very angry and abrupt fashion, leaving me and Wendy wondering what is going to happen next. When my fiance twice called her mother later, she didn’t answer either time.

All I can say is that me and my fiance are very sad about this situation!

 

[Seatuck]

Well, today we had a discussion with my mother in law about the guest list, and it did not go well.

She is really pressing us to get the guest list complete so she can start budgeting, so we gave her our list, including Wendy. She saw the name and became angry. We told her that we respect her belief that homosexual activity is a sin and agree with that belief, but that Wendy was our friend who just happens to be a sinner, like us all. My MIL replied that Wendy, unlike most sinners, lives in a constant state of sinfulness because of her homosexual orientation, and would be an “evil influence” at a godly function like a marriage. When we made clear our decision to invite Wendy, my MIL said that we obviously were not taking our vows before God seriously, because we were inviting a gay person to a religious ceremony, making a mockery of the whole event. She then said we needed to think more about whether we were mature enough to enter into a religious commitment, and perhaps thinking about canceling the wedding. She then left my house in a very angry and abrupt fashion, leaving me and Wendy wondering what is going to happen next. When my fiance twice called her mother later, she didn’t answer either time.

All I can say is that me and my fiance are very sad about this situation!

Show her this part of the CCC. Her interpretation of church teaching is wrong.

**Chastity and homosexuality **
**2357 Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction toward persons of the same sex. It has taken a great variety of forms through the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity,140 tradition has always declared that "homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered."141 They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved. **
**2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition. ****2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection. **

The acts are sinful not the orientation.The orientation is disordered. Basically a sickness of human sexuality. One should of course not encourage these acts or relationships in any way. Inviting someone to a wedding does not do this or influence the wedding vows in anyway.

 

[jazzbaby1]

I’m so sorry this happened. I’ll pray for your situation and post more later.

 

[AHapka]

My MIL replied that Wendy, unlike most sinners, lives in a constant state of sinfulness because of her homosexual orientation, and would be an “evil influence” at a godly function like a marriage.

11The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’

13"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ 14"I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

 

[Katie1723]

Well, today we had a discussion with my mother in law about the guest list, and it did not go well.

She is really pressing us to get the guest list complete so she can start budgeting, so we gave her our list, including Wendy. She saw the name and became angry. We told her that we respect her belief that homosexual activity is a sin and agree with that belief, but that Wendy was our friend who just happens to be a sinner, like us all. My MIL replied that Wendy, unlike most sinners, lives in a constant state of sinfulness because of her homosexual orientation, and would be an “evil influence” at a godly function like a marriage. When we made clear our decision to invite Wendy, my MIL said that we obviously were not taking our vows before God seriously, because we were inviting a gay person to a religious ceremony, making a mockery of the whole event. She then said we needed to think more about whether we were mature enough to enter into a religious commitment, and perhaps thinking about canceling the wedding. She then left my house in a very angry and abrupt fashion, leaving me and Wendy wondering what is going to happen next. When my fiance twice called her mother later, she didn’t answer either time.

All I can say is that me and my fiance are very sad about this situation!

In my opinion, standing up to your MIL speaks volumes for you. If you let her tell you how to begin married life, imagine how it’ll be later. It’s your wedding. You don’t need to ask her permission on who to invite. So stick to your guns.

Kathy

 

[Matt33]

Honestly, your FMIL is right about one thing… Maybe it is time to grow up, take charge, pay for your own wedding, and invite who you wish to invite. The price of a “nice” wedding is sometimes very ugly. Everyone has this idea nowadays of an elaborite, overpriced, irresponsible wedding, but perhaps you should focus on your lives together and take care of this like moral, mature Christians. If not at least get the priest to talk to FMIL. I’m very opposed to the culture of homosexuality in our society, I am opposed to what “tollerance” has come to mean. I am opposed to not taking a stand… BUT I am more opposed to irrational hatred and bigotry. You should be too and it should show.
Step back for a moment… This isn’t just about the wedding, this is about your future, your FMIL will be a huge stress on your marriage, the right thing to do is to get strait from the get go with your future wife how you will handle these situations in the future. Your FMIL does indeed have the right to that way of thinking but she must realize that her “position” has its own consequences.

 

[Col40]

Honestly, your FMIL is right about one thing… Maybe it is time to grow up, take charge, pay for your own wedding, and invite who you wish to invite. The price of a “nice” wedding is sometimes very ugly. Everyone has this idea nowadays of an elaborite, overpriced, irresponsible wedding, but perhaps you should focus on your lives together and take care of this like moral, mature Christians. If not at least get the priest to talk to FMIL. I’m very opposed to the culture of homosexuality in our society, I am opposed to what “tollerance” has come to mean. I am opposed to not taking a stand… BUT I am more opposed to irrational hatred and bigotry. You should be too and it should show.
Step back for a moment… This isn’t just about the wedding, this is about your future, your FMIL will be a huge stress on your marriage, the right thing to do is to get strait from the get go with your future wife how you will handle these situations in the future. Your FMIL does indeed have the right to that way of thinking but she must realize that her “position” has its own consequences.

Matt said what I started to type this morning before I got busy…

1. Your issues with your MIL are bigger than inviting one person to the wedding. She’s a control freak. It’s going to get worse if you don’t stand up now.
2. Paying for your own wedding might mean less of a commercial affair—but seriously, if you have to offend a friend in order to have fancy centerpieces and a five star meal—are you going to feel really good about that later on? My sister-in-law had a fancy smancy wedding compared to ours 2 mos later. Expensive champagne flowed, filet was served, a trio of violins serenaded guests, expensive flowers on every table…I was at a loss for how to “compete.” In fact, for the next month or so, it was my every thought (SIL and I don’t get along…) Well, our wedding was two months later–it was affordable to my parents but very nice, the food was actually better, and more importantly—all the guests who attended both commented on how much more FUN our wedding was…apparently for all the pretense of this big society affair–most guests found it like I really did–stuffy and boring. Make it about a celebration, at whatever price you can afford. Let all be welcome. If your MIL shows up, great. If not, well, there…you all know where you stand with her. Her loss.

Hang in there…if you and Jenna love each other, you’ll figure it out.

 

[takers]

For my :twocents: I would sit down and talk to your fiancee and figure out what she would like to do as it’s really coming down to inviting her friend or her mother. Talk this over with her and whatever she decides to do, support her 100%.

Maybe another tactic is to tell the MIL that if Wendy isn’t invited then if ever Wendy asks why MIL is the one that gets to explain the reason to Wendy. That way it’s not something that MIL gets to dictate and not deal with the consequences but has to be involved in the aftermath of the decision. Not saying this is the best idea, just another one to throw in the pot.

 

[redrosetea]

Hello,
My fiance, “Jenna” and I will be getting married in September, and are planning our guest lists now. We both come from Catholic families and will be married in a Catholic ceremony. Jenna has a good friend “Wendy” who she works with who happens to be a lesbian, and very much wanted to invite her to the ceremony. But Jenna’s mother, who is a devout Catholic, notified us that she will not “permit” us to invite Wendy to the wedding. Wendy and Jenna were both somewhat upset about this. Since, as is traditional, Jenna’s parents are paying for most of the ceremony, her mother feels that she has ultimate approval over who comes to the wedding and would be seriously offended to have a homosexual as a guest, and said that if we wanted to invite Wendy she would not go to the wedding.
I feel as though I am a devout Catholic as well, but I feel there is nothing wrong in inviting a homosexual friend to a wedding. I don’t feel that this implies approval of her sexual activity, nor do I feel that homosexuals should be treated as personae non grata because they are committing sin in their sexual lives.
Is my future mother-in-law being unreasonable, or are my fiance and I too lax in our moral standards?

What did Christ do? He ate with sinners and tax collectors…Being kind and being a friend to someone in no way means you agree with everything they do in their life
I am sorry you are being put in this position

Is this girl obnoxious and would start giving our all kinds of personal information to strangers? I can understand someones reluctance in having an in your face type attend but if she just keeps her opinions to herself, I don’t see any harm in asking her to attend

However, I think you are wise not to create a conflict with your in laws over this

 

[GraceDK]

Hello,
My fiance, “Jenna” and I will be getting married in September, and are planning our guest lists now. We both come from Catholic families and will be married in a Catholic ceremony. Jenna has a good friend “Wendy” who she works with who happens to be a lesbian, and very much wanted to invite her to the ceremony. But Jenna’s mother, who is a devout Catholic, notified us that she will not “permit” us to invite Wendy to the wedding. Wendy and Jenna were both somewhat upset about this. Since, as is traditional, Jenna’s parents are paying for most of the ceremony, her mother feels that she has ultimate approval over who comes to the wedding and would be seriously offended to have a homosexual as a guest, and said that if we wanted to invite Wendy she would not go to the wedding.
I feel as though I am a devout Catholic as well, but I feel there is nothing wrong in inviting a homosexual friend to a wedding. I don’t feel that this implies approval of her sexual activity, nor do I feel that homosexuals should be treated as personae non grata because they are committing sin in their sexual lives.
Is my future mother-in-law being unreasonable, or are my fiance and I too lax in our moral standards?

If a homosexual is not allowed to attend you wedding, then what about those who are divorced, those who have lied, those who committed adultery, fornication, those who live together without being married, those who don’t believe in Jesus, etc etc… what is it about a homosexual that makes her so much more a scandal than all the rest of us sinners? I dont get it… Your future mother inlaw is a bad witness for the Messiah who ate and drank with publicans and sinners. She doesn’t get what Christianity is all about and people like her prevent the lost and poor from coming to Christ.

Take charge man. It’s your wedding.

 

[whatevergirl]

Even though we were wrong to do so some nearly 18 yrs ago, this is EXACTLY why my dh and I eloped. (well, different details lol) But, my family wanted to decide everything, where, when, who…because they were footing most of the bill. I was like forget it, I’m not going to be enslaved to their running the show, because of $. So, we eloped. We then had our marriage blessed 5 years ago in the Catholic Church, yay!

I’m **not **suggesting to do this. Not at all…but, when money is involved, people start making demands, and odd requests. I don’t imagine you’ll ‘win’ this battle with your future MIL. I think that if your future wife’s friend does not bring her gf, I think that is reasonable. But, the MIL excluding the girl just because she’s gay is unreasonable. I echo the others.

I don’t imagine you’ll win this battle though. I just offer my heartfelt sympathies to your future wife, because this is her good friend, and I’m sure she’ll be sad if she can’t come over this. That’s a shame that your future MIL feels this way.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

I’m not sure if this was already suggested, but could you let your mil know you are just inviting Wendy without a date (and put number of persons 1)? Just make sure you sit her with people she knows, would feel comfortable with (not because she is lesbian, but because she is there alone and you would like for her to have a good time) if at all possible. Let your MIL know she is invited alone, maybe she won’t fuss as much. To answer your question, no its not wrong to invite a gay friend to a wedding. I would have reserves if you were inviting her with a “date” and knew she would be displaying PDA’s with her partner at the wedding (it would be a form of condonation), but if not, then sure you should invite her. DH and I each have extended family members that are homosexual, aand they were invited to the wedding along with everyone else. They didn’t come though. Nevertheless, we have exchanged more cards etc with them than with other extended family members that did come.

 

[Matrix_Refugee]

“A constant state of sinfulness”? I don’t think anyone short of Our Lord and Our Lady was completely free from sin or the propensity for it. I’d say more, but I’d be stooping to a less-than-charitable level myself.

 

[Col40]

I’m not sure if this was already suggested, but could you let your mil know you are just inviting Wendy without a date (and put number of persons 1)? Just make sure you sit her with people she knows, would feel comfortable with (not because she is lesbian, but because she is there alone and you would like for her to have a good time) if at all possible. Let your MIL know she is invited alone, maybe she won’t fuss as much. To answer your question, no its not wrong to invite a gay friend to a wedding. I would have reserves if you were inviting her with a “date” and knew she would be displaying PDA’s with her partner at the wedding (it would be a form of condonation), but if not, then sure you should invite her. DH and I each have extended family members that are homosexual, aand they were invited to the wedding along with everyone else. They didn’t come though. Nevertheless, we have exchanged more cards etc with them than with other extended family members that did come.

I don’t think it’s fair to say to one person only–no guests. It’s as much a slap in the face as not inviting her. I’d say invite her, let her bring a guest if all other single people are invited to do the same (if you read back, Wendy is not in a relationship currently). I would not treat her differently than another guest. Sure, you may not agree with her lifestyle, but it doesn’t give you license to treat her differently–like she’s diseased. She is being invited to a wedding to honor the NEWLYWEDS. They will be the focus of this celebration. It’s not about a guest being judged for lifestyle choices. Lots of people bring guests to weddings. And I’m guessing that Wendy is probably less likely to cause a distraction away from this couple than say the uncle who gets completely drunk and starts picking fights with everyone, or the friend who gets on the dance floor and starts a major bump and grind with every guy she can find–married or not. Yep—been to those weddings. A lesbian couple discreetly slow dancing wouldn’t catch my attention as much as the on-the-make girl.

The role of the wedding hosts is to make sure all guests feel welcome and comfortable. That’s what a gracious person would do.