Years of Family Abuse- Prayers/advice appreciated

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Let her go in peace.

As long as she remains in your mind she controls you. I know what it means to go over and over and over again the behavior of another person. This is called obsessing. I have done that. Finally I just prayed, “Dear God, Don’t ask me to love this person but please please take away the anger.”

It took a while. I finally was able let him go in peace. I know longer feel anger and a certain pity has taken the place of that anger.

Give her to God. Be kind when appropriate but don’t allow her to re-enter your mind. She is God’s responsibility.

Support your husband but allow him the freedom to work out his emotions.
 
jesus000 said:
Thank you for your response.

I completely agree. I guess that’s why my husband refuses to discuss anything with her anymore. Because he has already ‘explained’ everything many times, both of us have apologized, and he is attached while chatting anyway.

We’re open to talking about everything with a 3rd party like counselor who could mediate an and keep things on track and respectful, but she thinks that’s a ‘stupid idea’
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Of course it is–that way she wouldn’t get away with doing what she’s doing.

But even if she won’t go, even just you and your husband could work with a counselor on techniques for dealing with her.
 
Xantippe said:
Of course it is–that way she wouldn’t get away with doing what she’s doing.

But even if she won’t go, even just you and your husband could work with a counselor on techniques for dealing with her.
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Exactly. Setting and maintaining boundaries is a must here.
 
I suffered a very similar fate. After 20 years of marriage things with my mother in law have reconciled. We are not close. We don’t talk except when she comes for week at Christmas each year. She rejected me terribly too after the first baby was born - after five years of marriage. She wanted to hook me into a codependent triangular relationship too - her, my husband, and myself. You set healthy boundaries and that was good. No one can judge your faith life or relationship with God. Your mother in law is fearful, controlling, and dominating. You can’t change her. You can grieve the loss of an ideal mother in law and go on. Be your own person, keep defining yourself to others. Stay true to yourself. We women tend to compromise too much in order to get along. Love your husband and communicate your needs to him directly. I’m sorry you are going through all this pain. Married life is hard. Lots of hard feelings to forgive. Peace and prayers.
 
It seems that your husband has a healthy attitude attitude towards the situation. You cannot change your mother-in- law. At this point, she has to either decide to change, or accept the fact that her son has chosen you as the major person in his life.
Please accept the fact that you have the potential for a very happy life…a husband who loves you, a child…now that it has been established that his mother’s behavior is NOT caused by age or illness, and apologies have been made for problems you may have caused, just concentrate on your husband and your son. If your mil wants to reconcile, let her, but don’t let it ruin your life if she doesn’t. She has willingly removed herself from the core of your family life. Accept it…and be happy with your husband and your child.
 
Hi CAF,

Thanks again for your prayers and support.

My husband never replied to the last insulting/catty email she sent, so I think it has been a week, and she sent a really mean/abusive email today. It was so hard to read.

When she attacked us when we visited her house, she made some pretty mean comments like I said. She was more or less talking over us and just dishing out the abuse over and over about me. I once said, “May I please say something” (because it is hard to not get sucked into dysfunctionalality especially when they are speaking ill of you) and she looked at me and said “yes”. I was pretty upset, and said, "How do you know what I am thinking (in response to what she thinks I think) and I also said “Holding back of free and full forgiveness has a way of affecting the physical health and is unhealthy in general” and one of the comments in the email she sent said I was trying to be a fortune teller and felt so bad for our baby who was on my hip (our son got upset when she was holding him before she attacked us, and was a little upset when she was talking to us and us trying to get out of the situation).

If anyone sees this, we would really appreciate continued prayers. I was so tempted to email her after reading her last email. It really gets to me. But I need to trust in God and just pray for her. Not sure if husband will say anything. He read the email and deleted it becasue he was hurt too.

She called me names like an accuser and how she feels bad for our son and it just upsets me a lot…
 
You cannot keep doing things the same way and expect different results- how many times are you going to circle this mountain?

Do not open her emails.

She will not change if your husband is still communicating with her, as she has nothing to lose. She enjoys the attention from him-even if it is negative.

So pray for grace to be able to change what you and your husband can, and continue to visit your priest and bring your husband too.

I am sorry this is happening and I am praying for you.
 
mommy_k said:
You cannot keep doing things the same way and expect different results- how many times are you going to circle this mountain?

Do not open her emails.

She will not change if your husband is still communicating with her, as she has nothing to lose. She enjoys the attention from him-even if it is negative.

So pray for grace to be able to change what you and your husband can, and continue to visit your priest and bring your husband too.

I am sorry this is happening and I am praying for you.
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Right.

Most email clients have a way to block certain senders, or send their emails directly to spam. Use it. If there’s some sort of emergency, I expect that his family has your DH’s phone number.

If you really want to go above and beyond, your DH could give her one warning about it, something like, “If you send one more email attacking my wife, I will have my email account block/send your emails to the spam folder.” Then when she inevitably does, don’t reply–just set it up so that you never have to get them again.
 
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