Yet another dating questions

[bebaker22]

I feel silly asking this amongst all the other dating questions, but I must get a little (name removed by moderator)ut from all my friends here on CAF.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 months and the topic of marriage has come up, mainly because my best friend just got married to a wonderful catholic man! :extrahappy: Anyway, back to the story, I am 21 and he is 27. I am ready for marriage but he is not. I am not saying that I think that we should be married within the year but he told me that he thinks we should date for 5 or 6 years before getting engaged. I don’t think that we need to date that long before marriage and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to nag about marriage but I don’t wait to be 27 years old and just getting married. I love him and know that I want to marry him.

So my questions are…

How long should I wait for him to “get ready”?
Do you think that this is a sign of a bigger issue?
How can I not get my worked up or nag him about this?

I have talked to him about my concern that he seemed to shy away from commitment and he just says he thinks we are to young or if we get married, we’ll have kids and he is not ready for kids or he says that I need to finish school or I need to take care of this or that.

Or am I just being a normal woman and I should I just back off?



Any advice will be appreciated.

 

[HannahLisa]

It seems weird to me that he’s 27 and doesn’t feel at all ready for marriage. Not only that, but he feels the need to wait 5 or 6 years?? By that point, he will be 32 or 33. I don’t think waiting 5 or 6 years for marriage is necessarily healthy in younger people, let alone for a person who is hopefully getting settled in his career at the age of 27. I do not see how 27 is too young for marriage – though depending on the person, it could be. You know where he is in life, work, etc.

If I was in a situation like that, and the man in question had a steady job, apartment/house, etc., I would probably think he just feared commitment/didn’t feel ready to go there but probably was.

I can understand him not being ready to get engaged now, but 5 or 6 years of dating seems somewhat excessive to me.

 

[dulcissima]

Not that I am an expert on dating or anything…

…but where is this date for 5 or 6 years thing coming from? Does he have particular personal goals that will take 5 or 6 years to accomplish? Or does he just think that is the amount of time that one should date before marrying?

While I think taking things slowly is a good idea, dating for 5 or 6 years does seem really extreme. Really, really extreme.

Just wondering too what the this or that that he wants you to take care of are. Maybe it is an indication that the you that you really are is not what he really wants…and that doesn’t necessarily mean that there is anything wrong with you (it could actually be a sign that there is something wrong with him).

 

[bebaker22]

It seems weird to me that he’s 27 and doesn’t feel at all ready for marriage. Not only that, but he feels the need to wait 5 or 6 years?? By that point, he will be 32 or 33. I don’t think waiting 5 or 6 years for marriage is necessarily healthy in younger people, let alone for a person who is hopefully getting settled in his career at the age of 27. I do not see how 27 is too young for marriage – though depending on the person, it could be. You know where he is in life, work, etc.

If I was in a situation like that, and the man in question had a steady job, apartment/house, etc., I would probably think he just feared commitment/didn’t feel ready to go there but probably was.

I can understand him not being ready to get engaged now, but 5 or 6 years of dating seems somewhat excessive to me.

Yep he has a steady job, a house, no debt, etc.

Not that I am an expert on dating or anything…

…but where is this date for 5 or 6 years thing coming from? Does he have particular personal goals that will take 5 or 6 years to accomplish? Or does he just think that is the amount of time that one should date before marrying?

While I think taking things slowly is a good idea, dating for 5 or 6 years does seem really extreme. Really, really extreme.

Just wondering too what the this or that that he wants you to take care of are. Maybe it is an indication that the you that you really are is not what he really wants…and that doesn’t necessarily mean that there is anything wrong with you (it could actually be a sign that there is something wrong with him).

My friend that just got married were together for approx 5 years (they started dating when she was 16 and he was 17) So he decided I liked that I guess.

For me he says, graduate college, get a job, pay off student loans, etc, which would be 5 or more years for me.

This just popped in my head. I asked him once why he didn’t want to get married (he had had a drink or two and so had I, we weren’t drunk though) and this is what he told me. “Marriage means babies. Babies mean no more jeeps.” (Jeeps are his hobby, he rebuilds and then goes 4 wheeling.) So maybe he just is immature.

He has told me that he wants to marry me just not until… fill in the blank (typically he say until I graduate college, get a job, pay off my student loans).

 

[dulcissima]

Sounds immature yes, and possibly like someone whose priorities tend to be geared towards the materialistic. And while having a concern about debt and all of that is good and practical…I wonder if he is someone that has the “What’s in it for me” mindset that is practically the antithesis of what marriage is really about. So, yes, it does sound like maybe even 5 or 6 years may be too soon for him to get married.

 

[chevalier]

Bebaker, two things to bear in mind:

1. There’s no rule anywhere that one should date or see each other for 5-6 years before getting engaged. Then how long to get married?
2. The fact your friend has married doesn’t mean you need to right now.

I would understand if he were scared that you want to marry him because your friend has just married someone and you think it’s great. With all respect and without saying the fear is substantiated, I would have to face the same fear if I were in his position. On the other hand, he does sound less mature than you and apart from putting it off and off, it seems he may have a big problem growing to want children. Excluding children makes marriage invalid. Marriage which is of doubtful validity is not to be celebrated (canon 1066), so who knows if you’d even get married if he finally told you yes, he would marry you - but what with children then?

Now question is, is he Catholic? If he isn’t, then you’ll have much finding out to do about his views and beliefs, how sincere he is in them, how subject to change they are.

You have my sympathies. About a year ago, my ex broke up with me because she didn’t know if she’d ever want children and if so, she knew she wouldn’t like to see them brought up Catholic - fasting when due, going to confession and so on. It had lasted a bit over a year, preceded by two or three years of friendship. You could also go there, so perhaps break up with him early enough to avoid such a big heartbreak.

 

[bebaker22]

Bebaker, two things to bear in mind:

1. The fact your friend has married doesn’t mean you need to right now.

**I don’t think I need to get married because my friend got married. I did talk about marriage after my friends wedding mainly because the topic came up, from him. When he brought it up and said the 5 years is when I said something about it. I don’t want to get married until I graduate or close to graduating college. That is in less then 2 years though.

Edit: I talked about it with him, because I know that he is the one I want to marry. I have prayed about it and I will continue to pray about it.

I do see how now he may think that just because my friend got married, that I think that I have to get married. I will definitely try to delicately bring that up.**

On the other hand, he does sound less mature than you and apart from putting it off and off, it seems he may have a big problem growing to want children. Excluding children makes marriage invalid. Marriage which is of doubtful validity is not to be celebrated (canon 1066), so who knows if you’d even get married if he finally told you yes, he would marry you - but what with children then?

He does want kids. At least three and if he has a girl he’d like her middle name to be Elizabeth (both our mother’s middle names are Elizabeth) and a boy, Kevin Michael. All things he has told me several times. Typically after he plays with his cousins or my nephew and niece or when he is at work. (He works for a youth organization.)

Now question is, is he Catholic? If he isn’t, then you’ll have much finding out to do about his views and beliefs, how sincere he is in them, how subject to change they are.

**He is a Catholic. I am undoubtedly the more religious of the two of us. **

You have my sympathies. About a year ago, my ex broke up with me because she didn’t know if she’d ever want children and if so, she knew she wouldn’t like to see them brought up Catholic - fasting when due, going to confession and so on. It had lasted a bit over a year, preceded by two or three years of friendship. You could also go there, so perhaps break up with him early enough to avoid such a big heartbreak.

I am sorry to hear about your breakup. Right now I am trying to actually talk some of this through with him and find out what he thinks and basically go from there. I came onto CAF to ask because I know there are a lot different opinions on here and that I could get a lot of different ideas about the best way to approach this part of my relationship. So thank you.

 

[puzzleannie]

I So my questions are…

How long should I wait for him to “get ready”?
Do you think that this is a sign of a bigger issue?
How can I not get my worked up or nag him about this?

Any advice will be appreciated.

1. about 5 minutes
2. yes
3. do a reality check, realize he is stringing you along and if you are in the stage of your life where your vocation is marriage, start preparing for it, and be much more selective in who you date.

 

[Seatuck]

He’s not ready for children. He does not want to sacrifice . Well a husband’s job is to sacrifice, like Christ did. He doesn’t want to pay off your student loans because that would again entail sacrifice. You love and want a guy who isn’t willing to sacrifice for you. I’m not sure that is going to change in 5-6 years.What if in 5-6 years he says well we just got married so we should wait 3-4 years to have children?

Sorry. Still more talking for you guys to do. More analyzing of his character for you to do.

I agree that when a marriage discussion comes up after a friends marriage that it can lead to incomplete or not thoughtful answers. So it is best to wait a while.

As you get closer to your goal of graduation , see how he feels.

Check into that money thing. Is he serious that you should pay off your loans before you get married?

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

Anyway, back to the story, I am 21 and he is 27. I am ready for marriage but he is not. I am not saying that I think that we should be married within the year but he told me that he thinks we should date for 5 or 6 years before getting engaged. I don’t think that we need to date that long before marriage and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to nag about marriage but I don’t wait to be 27 years old and just getting married. I love him and know that I want to marry him.

So my questions are…

How long should I wait for him to “get ready”?

After 7 months, I would think that you could have a pretty good understanding of what this man could be in your future. You seem to see him as a future spouse, however, he does not seem to be in the same place. That is quite unfortunate and I can foresee causing problems. The reason that you are dating is to find your future spouse, the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you do not see that committment by now, then it now becomes a “make or break” time for the relationship. If he wants to wait 5 years, then maybe he is not ready to make a committment now or even ever. You have to consider that, which leads me to…

Do you think that this is a sign of a bigger issue?

:yup: I do not like to have to say that, but there are now red flags going up all over the place. Why wait? If you know that you will be together in 5 years, why wait? So if you do get engaged in 5 years, how long until the wedding. And what will happen in those 5 years? A lot can happen. You lives can change dramatically in 5 minutes, let alone 5 years. At this point, I feel that a serious discussion is in line and you both need to figure out where you want this relationship and you need to be on the same page. Do not compromise what your desires are for your future.

Please take this time to yourself to figure out what you want in a relationship and in a future husband. Ask our mother Mary for guidance. She will show you the way. She will interceded for you to our Heavenly Father to guide you.

Again, you need to find out what is important to you within the next few years of your life, if it is important to you to find someone and start a family with, then you need to take the steps necessary to make that happen. It may mean that you have to break free from your current relationship and move on. Better to do this now than later. You are young and seem to have a good idea of what you want in life, now it is time to take the steps to persue that.

If this man was committed to you, he would want what is best for you and want to be there with you step by step, not matter what. I know that is how it was for me and my wife when we met. If we were going to do anything in life, I wanted us to do it together,

I think that you have to look at the big picture and see what the future may hold for you with and without this man in your life.

How can I not get my worked up or nag him about this?

This is your future that you are considering, you have a right to be “worked up” about this and you can talk with him about it without “nagging” him. You both need to communicate about this. Talk about it now before you waste more time on a relationship that may not be going anywhere. It may be moving forward towards marriage and you both need to decide if that is where you want to go with your relationship.

I have talked to him about my concern that he seemed to shy away from commitment and he just says he thinks we are to young

27 is too young? (my feeling is that this is just an excuse)

or if we get married, we’ll have kids and he is not ready for kids or he says that I need to finish school or I need to take care of this or that.

Sounds to me that he talks a lot about his needs and is less concerned about your needs. He needs to realize that he is called to step up as a man to be the head of the family and be the one to lead the family, are you sure that he is ready to accept this responsibility. When exactly will he be ready for kids? For some reason I have a hard time believing that he is or will be ready for marriage in 5-6 years. I am not sure he will be. He seems content with the relationship the way that it is now and is not concerned about moving it forward.

Or am I just being a normal woman and I should I just back off?



Any advice will be appreciated.

As you can see, I do not think that you should back off, I think that you should take a step back and look at this from a different angle and start praying about it and think about what you want in your future, not your 5 year future, your 1 year future. Maybe it is with this man, maybe not, you need to find out and the sooner the better.

Alright, I have said my :twocents: worth (and then some)

 

[whatevergirl]

He’s not ready for children. He does not want to sacrifice . Well a husband’s job is to sacrifice, like Christ did. He doesn’t want to pay off your student loans because that would again entail sacrifice. You love and want a guy who isn’t willing to sacrifice for you. I’m not sure that is going to change in 5-6 years.What if in 5-6 years he says well we just got married so we should wait 3-4 years to have children?

Sorry. Still more talking for you guys to do. More analyzing of his character for you to do.

I agree that when a marriage discussion comes up after a friends marriage that it can lead to incomplete or not thoughtful answers. So it is best to wait a while.

As you get closer to your goal of graduation , see how he feels.

Check into that money thing. Is he serious that you should pay off your loans before you get married?

I agree with much of this–but also think there is nothing wrong with this man not wanting to pay someone’s loans. Why should we assume that a man should pay off a woman’s financial debts that she incurred before marrying him? Once you’re married, your finances become one…but he is looking at it like he would rather them be going into a marriage with less debt. This does not mean he is selfish. I have read a few books by Dr Laura–who tells men not to ‘rescue’ women from various things–debt being one of them. She says that it is important to discuss financial things BEFORE marriage. At least this guy is honest…

I see your point–but I don’t think that it’s ‘fair’ for lack of a better word, to ask a man or woman to pay off someone’s school loans, and look down on that person as a reason he/she chooses not to marry right away because of it. Huge debt can weigh down a marriage…and it’s wise to be on the same page with finances. Now, 5-6 years is long…I don’t think you need to be debt free, OP–but he may just be concerned with your loans bogging down a marriage…and once kids come into the picture and you want to be a SAHM…he might be looking at the pressure of handling the finances alone at that point–and school loans will add a lot of pressure. He might be thinking of buying an engagement ring–etc…so he may just be thinking pragmatically right now.

I would express my feelings to him–that you think 5-6 years is kinda long…but, maybe you can come to a happy medium ground? I hope things work out for you.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

I agree with much of this–but also think there is nothing wrong with this man not wanting to pay someone’s loans. Why should we assume that a man should pay off a woman’s financial debts that she incurred before marrying him?

However, if you follow that premise then no one would get married because I think that most people enter marraige with some debt to their name and then it becomes the debt of the married couple. I understand what you are trying to say here, however, I have to disagree with you on this. Therefore, the OP would have every right to tell him that she would not marry him because in order to furnish his house (hypothetical here) he ran up a large amount of credit card debt. Now this furniture will be used for the benefit of both of them if they are married, but why should she have to pay for it? Same goes for her job. I feel that the boyfriend that has stated this is using this as another reason to avoid marriage all together. I feel that he has issued with making that committment and is avoiding coming out and saying that by coming up with other things that should not cause a 5 - 6 year delay in an engagement.

Honestly, if you truly loved someone and wanted to spend the rest of you life with that person, would money really be that big of an issue to force you to not marry? Mind you if the person has thousands and thousands in debt that is a different story. But to expect to live as boyfriend and girlfriend until the student loan is paid off seems very strange to me. If the student loan is too much of a burden what is next?

Once you’re married, your finances become one…but he is looking at it like he would rather them be going into a marriage with less debt.

Again, this is where I see a red flag coming up. He is so worried about the student loans that I feel he is covering for something else.

This does not mean he is selfish. I have read a few books by Dr Laura–who tells men not to ‘rescue’ women from various things–debt being one of them. She says that it is important to discuss financial things BEFORE marriage. At least this guy is honest…

I agree that it is important to talk about these issues among many others before marriage. I do not think that taking on the debt of another is “rescuing” them. If you are aware of it before marriage and then you make the decision to get married because you spouse is that important to you, this is not ‘rescuing’ someone.

I think that what this shows (to me, again this is my personal opinion) is that he wants to be in control of how things happen and is leaving little or no say to the girlfriend in this situation. That is not just about the student loan, it seems that he is the one in the driver’s seat, making all the plans and she may just be along for the ride. They do not seem to be on the same page here.

I see your point–but I don’t think that it’s ‘fair’ for lack of a better word, to ask a man or woman to pay off someone’s school loans, and look down on that person as a reason he/she chooses not to marry right away because of it.

Why would you look down on them? This is your life, this is your future, this is your spouse, if you are going to go into a marriage with that type of view, then why marry?

Huge debt can weigh down a marriage…and it’s wise to be on the same page with finances.

Agreed.

Now, 5-6 years is long…I don’t think you need to be debt free,

5-6 years you could be accumulating more and more debt. Living in two seperate houses/apartments could be a big factor in that. Having to pay utilities in two seperate places would take a toll on the finances as well.

OP–but he may just be concerned with your loans bogging down a marriage…and once kids come into the picture and you want to be a SAHM…he might be looking at the pressure of handling the finances alone at that point–and school loans will add a lot of pressure. He might be thinking of buying an engagement ring–etc…so he may just be thinking pragmatically right now.

“If you wait to have children when you can afford them, you will never have them.”

I would express my feelings to him–that you think 5-6 years is kinda long…but, maybe you can come to a happy medium ground? I hope things work out for you.

Communication is the key in this one!

 

[whatevergirl]

However, if you follow that premise then no one would get married because I think that most people enter marraige with some debt to their name and then it becomes the debt of the married couple. I understand what you are trying to say here, however, I have to disagree with you on this. Therefore, the OP would have every right to tell him that she would not marry him because in order to furnish his house (hypothetical here) he ran up a large amount of credit card debt. Now this furniture will be used for the benefit of both of them if they are married, but why should she have to pay for it? Same goes for her job. I feel that the boyfriend that has stated this is using this as another reason to avoid marriage all together. I feel that he has issued with making that committment and is avoiding coming out and saying that by coming up with other things that should not cause a 5 - 6 year delay in an engagement.

Honestly, if you truly loved someone and wanted to spend the rest of you life with that person, would money really be that big of an issue to force you to not marry? Mind you if the person has thousands and thousands in debt that is a different story. But to expect to live as boyfriend and girlfriend until the student loan is paid off seems very strange to me. If the student loan is too much of a burden what is next?

Again, this is where I see a red flag coming up. He is so worried about the student loans that I feel he is covering for something else.

I agree that it is important to talk about these issues among many others before marriage. I do not think that taking on the debt of another is “rescuing” them. If you are aware of it before marriage and then you make the decision to get married because you spouse is that important to you, this is not ‘rescuing’ someone.

I think that what this shows (to me, again this is my personal opinion) is that he wants to be in control of how things happen and is leaving little or no say to the girlfriend in this situation. That is not just about the student loan, it seems that he is the one in the driver’s seat, making all the plans and she may just be along for the ride. They do not seem to be on the same page here.

Why would you look down on them? This is your life, this is your future, this is your spouse, if you are going to go into a marriage with that type of view, then why marry?

Agreed.

5-6 years you could be accumulating more and more debt. Living in two seperate houses/apartments could be a big factor in that. Having to pay utilities in two seperate places would take a toll on the finances as well.

“If you wait to have children when you can afford them, you will never have them.”

Communication is the key in this one!

I think you put words in my mouth–that I did not say, MM… I never said go into a marriage debt free–I said ‘less debt.’ I never said to wait to have kids until you have everything paid off. I never said to only get married if the student loans or whatever debt there is – is completely paid off.

I didn’t say these things.

 

[whatevergirl]

I will say to you OP–(I will repeat) that 5 to 6 years seems a bit long…and hopefully, you can come to common ground. It is quite possible that he is just not ready for the sacrifice of marriage…I wouldn’t wait on him for too too long–but you’ll know when it enough, I think. I would definitely discuss your feelings–because he needs to know your thoughts. Marriage is a two way street–and it’s best to continue knowing someone is willing to sacrifice in the future for you, and children–than learn that 10 years into it. Good luck to you–you’re in my prayers.

 

[jwashu]

My wife and I dated for 2 then were engaged for 3 before getting married, we have now been married for 13 years (almost) and have 3 wonderful little boys. (I’m 38 and she is almost 36)

For us, we decided together that it would be best for her to finish her undergraduate before we got married. Neither of our parents were rich and we wanted a big wedding etc… so we saved for it. She wanted a certian wedding dress, so we saved for it and I wanted to pay off her engagement ring ( I spent more than I should have at the time, lol).

Anyway my point is that while we waited, we waited together. We still spent all our time together and the 3 years (once we decided to marrry) were spent planning, studying and having fun. The committment though for everything was on each other.

I would definitely questions a few things if part of his stipulation is that you can pay of “your” student loans. If he loves you and you guys are going to get married then they aren’t “your” lones. They would become “our” loans. Marriage is not 50 / 50 it’s 100/100… many times 200/200 the point is that if he says he is ready to marry in 5 or 6 years but dosen’t seem to want to make things “ours” I believe it is a read flag.

I say this because we had some great plans for after we got married… due to a divorce on her parents side, deaths in my immediate famly and other famly needs we found ourselves having to make a choice between the goals each of us had and desired (a house, cars etc…) or taking care of each others family. We choose the latter the best we could. In regards to kids we assumed that we would have them a few years after getting married… it didn’t work out that way either, we had a lot of problems initially and we were married almost 7 years before having kids. Those were things at the time which seemed devistating… and in some ways were, once almost pulling us apart. However the sacrafice was there… God pulled us through everything and as I said, we have 3 wonderful and very smart little boys now and hope to buy a house (finally!) this year.

By age 27 I would think that if someone’s goals were to have kids and they understood the sacramental nature of marriage, they would not suggest waiting… that long. If we had been Catholic at the time rather tha Presbyterian, we probably would not have waiting so long either…

Marraige is the greatest thing this world has to offer, if you are willing to sacrafice for it. Because if you are willing to sacrafice, it’s “out of this world”

Back in HS and College I spent a lot of time “counseling” (I was going to be a shrink at the time) many of my friends that were girls. While I don’t know anyone in HS who talked about marraige, there was some in College. What I would try to point out to them time and time again, some listened - many didn’t (guys and gals), was that they should always ask themselves, Why am I going out with this person? If it’s someone you know that you could / would never marry, what is your reasoning? That didn’t mean that they shouldn’t go, just that they should be aware of what their drivers for a relationship were.

That’s not a popular idea in our secular society… but I believe it’s valid…

So my question to you is, even though he says he wants to get married “someday” his actions don’t show that, do you think those will change in time? or not? If so, continue and see how things go, if not, I would say consider moving on.

I don’t know you guys IRL though so take these suggestions for what you will

Joe

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

I think you put words in my mouth–that I did not say, MM… I never said go into a marriage debt free–I said ‘less debt.’ I never said to wait to have kids until you have everything paid off. I never said to only get married if the student loans or whatever debt there is – is completely paid off.

I didn’t say these things.

Please understand that I did not say that you said to go into marriage debt free, please re read what I said, I was actually agreeing with you:

I Now, 5-6 years is long…I don’t think you need to be debt free,

5-6 years you could be accumulating more and more debt. Living in two seperate houses/apartments could be a big factor in that. Having to pay utilities in two seperate places would take a toll on the finances as well.

You will see that I was just stating that after 5 years would be accumulating even more. I was just reiterating that more debt could be accumulated, not disageeing with you.

I am sorry that you viewed my post as putting words in you mouth as that was not what happened. I was giving my personal opinion about it. I did not say in my post that you said that debt had to be paid off, or that you had to be debt free to get married.

When I said that "if you wait to have children until you can afford them, you will never have them’ was not something that I posted as a way of interpreting your words, it was merely meant to say that if the OP’s boyfriend wants to be without debt and that is a prerequisite for having children once they are married, then they will not have them.

That is all

Sorry for any misunderstanding

 

[harrisunt]

I see no problem with him waiting until you have started tackling your debt. There is no reason for a man to incur the educational debt of his spouse (especially if it is substantial) at such an early part of their lives. Having two school debts and low amounts of credit history in a couples name could make the financial side of their lives less fruitful. Money isn’t everything but it IS a reality and he shouldn’t be called selfish if his intentions are indeed to look out for their financial health as a family unit.

 

[Sierrah]

I see two things here. First he may be a commitment phobic…or he truly concerned about being established before he marries. Is he working on a master degree or possibly still in school? Has he a family history of divorce or troubled relationships.

If he’s a commitment phobic you’ll eventually have to move on and let him go. I wouldn’t date anyone five years…I think long engagements just spell trouble but I’m a bit older then you so my story would be a little different. I would discuss this with him openly and honestly. The question you really have to ask yourself is whether or not you really can wait that long. In my book a year is suffient to know if it the right person but not everyone is the same.

 

[whatevergirl]

I see no problem with him waiting until you have started tackling your debt. There is no reason for a man to incur the educational debt of his spouse (especially if it is substantial) at such an early part of their lives. Having two school debts and low amounts of credit history in a couples name could make the financial side of their lives less fruitful. Money isn’t everything but it IS a reality and ***he shouldn’t be called selfish ***if his intentions are indeed to look out for their financial health as a family unit.

Agreed. Nor should he be called immature. He may be looking out for the best interests of his future family–and lessening the debt, will be better for everyone. Rushing things along is not the answer, but I also recommend that the OP takes time to get to know this side of her bf as well. Perhaps, they come to terms with that this is a deal breaker for them–then it might be time to move on. I think the number of years they wait should be an agreed upon timeframe–that they both feel good about.

 

[whatevergirl]

Please understand that I did not say that you said to go into marriage debt free, please re read what I said, I was actually agreeing with you:

You will see that I was just stating that after 5 years would be accumulating even more. I was just reiterating that more debt could be accumulated, not disageeing with you.

I am sorry that you viewed my post as putting words in you mouth as that was not what happened. I was giving my personal opinion about it. I did not say in my post that you said that debt had to be paid off, or that you had to be debt free to get married.

When I said that "if you wait to have children until you can afford them, you will never have them’ was not something that I posted as a way of interpreting your words, it was merely meant to say that if the OP’s boyfriend wants to be without debt and that is a prerequisite for having children once they are married, then they will not have them.

That is all

Sorry for any misunderstanding

Okay–I reread and thank you for clearing up what you meant.