Yet another dating questions

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Wow! While I was in my classes you guys really started typing! Thanks so much for all the great advice. No really [SIGN]THANK YOU!!![/SIGN] Everyone made great points and I do agree with most. (Especially that if you want until you can afford kids, you’ll never have them! AMEN!)

I would like to be able to respond to each poster but I have a class at two pm and I am standing up in heals at the campus computers so as short and sweet as possible is going to be my goal.

I don’t/will not have a large amount of debt coming out of college and won’t have much trouble paying it off. I am studying to be a nurse so I don’t think I’ll have a lot of trouble finding a job.

He is out of school with no plans of returning. Has a steady job with a company he has been with for 3 years. His parents have been married since they were 22 and 27 and as far as I know haven’t had any problems. His brother has been in a relationship with a girl for 3 or 4 years, no engagement ring there either so maybe it’s a family thing 🤷

Just in case you all want to know my personal opinion, the longest I would date him without an engagement would be two years. So I have a little bit of time to pray and think. I have been saying a daily rosary so hopefully Mary will help me straighten things out.

I think I will take this Lenten season and spend a lot of time in prayer and let God show me my path and I will encourage my boyfriend to do the same. After that, yes I think a good conversation is in store for us and if we break up that is ok. God Bless the Broken Road, right?
 
Guy opinion here…
  1. I am concerned that a healthy, intelligent, financially-stable man of 27 would have no problem at all waiting 5 to 6 years to make love to a woman that he is totally in love with.
  2. I can definitely see waiting for you to graduate in 22 months as your ticker says, but after that he should want to “seal the deal”.
  3. I sense an strong fear of commitment which might not be his fault, but it’s still something he needs to deal with.
  4. Not to be harsh but his view that babies would infringe on jeep-time and his problem with that, lead me to believe that he (right now) prefers jeeps to babies which might indicate a lack of maturity.
All in all, the biggest red flag that I see is number one, that just does not make sense.

Proceed cautiously and put this in God’s hands…He’ll know what to do!

God Bless!
 
bebaker22 said:
Wow! While I was in my classes you guys really started typing! Thanks so much for all the great advice. No really [SIGN]THANK YOU!!![/SIGN] Everyone made great points and I do agree with most. (Especially that if you want until you can afford kids, you’ll never have them! AMEN!)

I would like to be able to respond to each poster but I have a class at two pm and I am standing up in heals at the campus computers so as short and sweet as possible is going to be my goal.

I don’t/will not have a large amount of debt coming out of college and won’t have much trouble paying it off. I am studying to be a nurse so I don’t think I’ll have a lot of trouble finding a job.

He is out of school with no plans of returning. Has a steady job with a company he has been with for 3 years. His parents have been married since they were 22 and 27 and as far as I know haven’t had any problems. His brother has been in a relationship with a girl for 3 or 4 years, no engagement ring there either so maybe it’s a family thing 🤷

Just in case you all want to know my personal opinion, the longest I would date him without an engagement would be two years. So I have a little bit of time to pray and think. I have been saying a daily rosary so hopefully Mary will help me straighten things out.

I think I will take this Lenten season and spend a lot of time in prayer and let God show me my path and I will encourage my boyfriend to do the same. After that, yes I think a good conversation is in store for us and if we break up that is ok. God Bless the Broken Road, right?
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Hello bebaker!

I’m an eternal optimist…and I think you both will be married in less than three years–of course if it is God’s will. That is the key, really, with anything. Our wants and needs, etc…really don’t matter, but really if God wants you with this man–He will bridge the time gap and everything will work out. Being that you won’t have much debt…hmmm…it could be that he is a bit commitment phobic, but that may change given another year. I will say that my husband and I were friends/dating for a year, and engaged for a year…2 to 4 years is max to me, as well. My only advice about the debt thing was let’s say you had like $100k…that might cause some stress on a marriage just starting out…so that’s why I said that about the debt, etc. Some of it I speak from experience–with debts that my husband and I had when we married…somehow, it all worked out, but it was a bit stressful in the beginning…especially, when I was a SAHM. But, with God–ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. I wish you luck…keep your Rosaries going…and I’ll include you in my prayers, too.

God bless.
 
puzzleannie said:
  1. about 5 minutes
  2. yes
  3. do a reality check, realize he is stringing you along and if you are in the stage of your life where your vocation is marriage, start preparing for it, and be much more selective in who you date.
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I agree 100%. I was that guy–almost. I never intentionally dragged my girlfriend along, but I knew that I wasn’t going to be ready for marriage for quite a while. I figured, though, that you should probably have some idea after dating for a year. So did my girlfriend.

At the one-year, six-month mark, she told me I had to decide if this was going anywhere or not. I asked her to give me until the end of Lent (this was a couple of years ago). I was pretty sure that she wouldn’t stick to her schedule, but I was dead wrong.

To make a long story short, that deadline lit a fire under me and burned away a lot of the brush in my thinking. We got engaged about a week after Easter. We’re expecting our first child any day now.

I don’t begrudge your boyfriend for not being sure. Who is??? But if he’s telling you “Oh, 5-6 years,” then he’s definitely saying “I don’t know, but how about if you hang around for half-a-decade, throwing away some of the most valuable family building time we have, until I find someone better?”

Before it happened to me, I would never have recommended a timeline. But look at that–it works!
 
Oh yeah–a guy who values 4Xing more than family and children has got his priorities radically misplaced. He may be a whole list of adjectives: cute, fun, funny, compassionate, interesting, etc., but if we’re talking about Catholic family life, this is a non-starter. It’s easy for me, an anonymous Internet dude, to say something like “Dump him,” but I’ve learned from a lot of mistakes. If I could do it all over again, I would have chosen to get married a decade ago (hopefully to the same woman, of course). Instead, I spent a decade doing nothing but being a selfish pig. I’m now 34 and expecting my first child and wish I could go back in a time machine and kick my own ***** for a few hours.
 
Bebaker, final thing. Some people just have the idea that it takes 5-6 years of dating to even consider marrying. I see it as a secular thing.
 
puzzleannie said:
  1. about 5 minutes
  2. yes
  3. do a reality check, realize he is stringing you along and if you are in the stage of your life where your vocation is marriage, start preparing for it, and be much more selective in who you date.
Click to expand...
I can only offer a strong “amen.” This is sound advice.
 
Hehe, this is kind of fun replying to an online thread about this instead of talking on the phone about it :rotfl:

For those of you that don’t know (everyone but the OP probably), I’m that friend that just recently got married, so I’ve actually met this guy a couple of times.

Something that has not been mentioned is this guy has never been in a serious relationship so, frankly, he doesn’t know what to do. IMO, he is immature with certain things in his life, and he does need to grow up before he could get married. I think he’s got some committment issues too. The question is mainly whether or not he will get over his fears and grow up fast enough for the OP… I think eventually he will have to grow up because mommy won’t be around forever.

For the OP, I think you just need to keep praying, and talk to him (it’s so hard to write OP and him instead of actual names here, lol). Notice I said talk - a conversation - two way street - not just you laying down the law about what’s going to happen. He has to make up his own mind and in my short experience, nagging doesn’t help… at least it really makes things more difficult with my dh. Once I start nagging it’s like his hearing just turns off which makes me mad and then we end up fighting. 🤷

Again, those are just my thoughts. If clarification is needed, just ask (or call if you’re the OP 😃 )
 
journey137 said:
Hehe, this is kind of fun replying to an online thread about this instead of talking on the phone about it :rotfl:

For those of you that don’t know (everyone but the OP probably), I’m that friend that just recently got married, so I’ve actually met this guy a couple of times.

Something that has not been mentioned is this guy has never been in a serious relationship so, frankly, he doesn’t know what to do. IMO, he is immature with certain things in his life, and he does need to grow up before he could get married. I think he’s got some committment issues too. The question is mainly whether or not he will get over his fears and grow up fast enough for the OP… I think eventually he will have to grow up because mommy won’t be around forever.

For the OP, I think you just need to keep praying, and talk to him (it’s so hard to write OP and him instead of actual names here, lol). Notice I said talk - a conversation - two way street - not just you laying down the law about what’s going to happen. He has to make up his own mind and in my short experience, nagging doesn’t help… at least it really makes things more difficult with my dh. Once I start nagging it’s like his hearing just turns off which makes me mad and then we end up fighting. 🤷

Again, those are just my thoughts. If clarification is needed, just ask (or call if you’re the OP 😃 )
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Journey137,
😛
Oh and you should know that he is hard to talk to. This is weird… talking to you via forums. We’ve been best friends since the 8th grade, btw and known each other since brownies.

You are a bum by the way and you should call me.

B
 
I’m going to take a bit of a staunch approach to things (and probably get flamed for it).

First off, you are 21 years old and still in college. Why rush things?

Finding a good job after you graduate may be difficult and will try your patience. Why not focus on finding that “dream job” instead of just settling? Also, the transition from college to the “real world” and being on your own can be tough as well. Why add more stress to it?

Money can be a major sticking point in a marriage. It is a top reason for disagreements and divorce. Why not make a dent in your own debt and make money less of an issue? Also, it will help you provide for your children.

The 20’s can be a time of great personal growth, especially when you don’t have the responsibilty of a family (not that a family is a bad thing). What you want/who you are may change rapidly over the next few years. You can spend time developing interests and exploring your spirituality.

Many people feel a calling to relationships/marriage, but sometimes let their hearts get in the way, and not seeing the forest for the trees.

As far as he is concerned, he may have “cold feet.” We all mature at different rates.
 
Bebaker,
please don’t take this as an offense it’s just a hypothetical possibility based on a personal experience:
It may be that he does not think that you are as ready for marriage as you believe you are; and may be you really aren’t as ready for marriage as you assume. If he is 27, he’s probably been through a journey of discernment. He may want to wait a bit because he may think some maturation needs to take place in the relationship (whether on his part or yours). I’m assuming that he really really loves you though that you are not perhaps as ready as you believe.

But ofcourse, I could be completely off and completely incorrect; you could very well be prepared for marriage. I do not know you. I’m just offering a hypothetical possibility.

unworthy
 
If you feel called to marriage, and you believe that this man is someone God has put before you to fufill a vocation together, then wait and pray and sort things out with him.

Unless your bf came from a substantially dysfunctional family, being 27 and unable to cope with the financial aspect of a spouse, babies and marriage sure isn’t a positive sign. :rolleyes:

So if he’s 27 and still not ready, why would you believe him to be ready at 37? Some people are ready to be married, some people just need a little free time in life and some people are never ready. Ultimately, you have to find out which one he is and if you can accept him for whatever he turns out to be.

I know people who married the “never ready” person and, yes, they can be happily married. Sure, if that marriage goes unfulfilled, it is due to immaturity, commitment and priority issues, but I don’t see how it necessarily gives you less of a chance of succeeding than people who marry anal or adulterous, or compulsive, or angry people.

It depends on what you expect in a marriage and what you can live with.

I myself could never deal with a man who can’t make up his mind, be fully committed to service in a marriage and be willing to work his butt off for his wife and children. I picked someone who showed the tendency to work hard and place marriage as #1.

But, again, I have to say that I know others who didn’t choose someone like that because they didn’t like the idea. Some people like splitting halvsies and want a man with hobbies, sports, or extras. One girl I know only likes guys who are homemakers. Whatever works for her. She works and he cooks, good for them. Another woman picked a man obsessed about hunting. But, she loves it. Her boys will go on month long expeditions hunting without her. No problem for her.
 
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