Young children/funeral home visit/open coffin

[triumphguy]

My kids grandpa died of cancer last Thursday.

The cancer stripped him of every ounce of spare flesh and he died in pain.

I saw him a few minutes after he died and he looked shockingly “dead.” Not at all like the person he was.

His wife, their grandma, wants my kids to see him in his coffin on Tuesday evening at the funeral home and say goodbye.

I have a fourteen year old with down syndrome, a 12 year old girl who faints at the sight of blood and a sensitive 7 year old boy.

Now grandma loves the kids very much but she’s got it in her head that she wants them to say “goodbye.” Her sister, who is staying with her during this difficult time and who is a retired ER nurse, thinks it would be “good for them.”

The funeral proper is at the Church on Wednesday.

Maybe I’m wrong and maybe I’m too protective.

Advice or experience anyone?

 

[Aggie414]

Let me first say that I’m sorry for your loss.

I attended several funerals as a child; and to be quite honest I don’t have huge memories of any of them – really just snippets. I remember being a toddler at my great-grandfather’s funeral, and the only thing I remember is there was another girl there who had the same shoes. I know I attended my great-grandmother’s at 13, and have no real memory of it other than my mother had to correct the priest on how to say her name (she was cajun, he was not). My sister was six when our father died. She attended the funeral and has no lasting effects from it. Quite frankly, she has very little memory of our father other than what we tell her about (she’s 32 now).

Ultimately you know your children; but I think if you handle it properly, they will be fine. I think if you act overly concerned and anxious, they will pick up on it and they will have bad memories. I think this could be a real teaching experience to say that “This is just Grandpa’s body. His soul and everything that we loved about him is now in Heaven with God.” I would explain it to them before hand, though, and let them ask any questions they might have. Also tell them that it’s okay not to approach the casket until they’re ready – and if they don’t want to, that’s also fine.

I tend to think that parents overanalyze (if that’s even the right word) kids’ reactions. I think if parents explain things, they get it kind of matter of fact. But, again, you know your children and have to be the one to make the decision ultimately.

 

[gh4]

I too am so very sorry for your loss.

I remember the first funeral I went to, I was probably 6 or 7. It was our next door neighbor. It was an open casket, and my mom had explained that she was dead and that she might look different. Honestly, it didn’t really bother me. What I remember most was the kneelers in front of the casket. I wasn’t raised Catholic and had never seen a kneeler before!

My boys attended their father’s funeral, they were 5 and 8 and did fine with it all, or at least as fine with it as young children can be at their father’s funeral. Neither one was overly bothered by the open casket and seeing their dad in it. We talked about it before and after and I answered their questions honestly. They have a lot fewer questions than I thought they would.

I think as long as you explain it to your children before hand, they should do fine. Children are very resilient and can handle more than we sometimes give them credit for.

 

[SMHW]

Sorry for your family’s loss.

You know your children best.

I would caution you to make sure you are not protecting yourself from seeing your children sad rather than trying to protect your children from something that might be too much for them to handle. Your children are entitled to feel sadness and grief over the death of their grandfather. Please don’t deny them the freedom to feel what is normal for them to feel.

It has been normal for children to attend the wakes and funerals of their family members for years and in general I don’t think they should be sheltered from death. I would take them to the vigil, especially if it makes Grandma feel better, but I don’t think they should be forced to look at Grandpa in the coffin if they don’t want to.

I realize you have a son with down syndrome and I don’t know how well he understands the nature of death or understands that people die. If experience tells you that he won’t be able to handle being around other sad people then maybe you will have to keep him away. But again, your know your children best.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Go with what you think is the right thing to do in your circumstances. Some children would not react well to a funeral, but many children are fine. Yours are old enough to understand death. (I don’t know enough about Down syndrome so can’t offer advice on that). However, if they were my kids I wouldn’t want them to see grandpa in the open coffin. They might end up remembering him like that - a dead body- rather than the man whom they loved. I saw my grandma dead (also cancer - she was unrecogniseable) and I couldn’t forget that image for good 10+ years. I struggled to remember her as she was when she was healthy. And I was 25 when she died.

My guess is that grandma is very emotional right now and maybe not thinking straight. She should be handled gently and with much love but that doesn’t mean she gets to decide how your children participate in this and to what extent.

 

[Cryptic1]

I’m a little surprised at the fact that there will be an open coffin at your children’s grandfather’s service, since the illness had deteriorated his body so much. Out of respect, I would have asked for a closed casket in order to retain a good memory of him, but that decision rests with his wife.

As the parent, you have the final say on whether you think it is approriate for your children to view their grandfather’s body or not, so I hope the family will at least try to abide by it.

Hopefully, if the children do have to view his body, once he’s fully dressed, they will probably only be viewing their grandfather’s face, so it might not be as bad as you think. Actually, I hope the family is prepared for whatever comments come out of your children’s mouths regarding their grandfather’s state, because as you must know, children can be blatantly honest. If they do say something seemingly inappropriate, I would not stop them because you seem to be the only one wanting to protect them from this situation, so I would let it all ride at that point.

My sincere condolences to you and your family at this time.

 

[Qwestions]

Hi, triumphguy. I, too, wish to say that I’m sorry your family is faced with this loss of your loved one.

I agree that you are the ultimate decider as to if the children attend the wake/funeral. I also agree that children are much more resilient than we adults sometimes think.

I have noticed over the years that those who decry letting children attend the wake/funeral are the ones who seem to have the most trouble letting go. Coworkers/friends who were the most adamant were the ones who didn’t have that experience until they were older and the dead person was close enough to them that they couldn’t get out of attending, so, since wakes/funerals were not in their memory banks, they really were traumatized to some extent.

However, coworkers/friends who best handled the deaths of their loved ones were those who’d gone with adults since their early childhood days. They might be saddened and dissolve into tears, but the loss of a loved one is an occasion for sadness. Such an occasion withOUT sadness would indicate some emotional problems in dealing with reality. Those with prior experience in seeing a corpse in a casket and people distraught with grief knew that death was something that we deal with and seemed more emotionally secure than those who were denied that very important life training.

I think that you shortchange your children in failing to prepare them gradually for the deaths of their parents or siblings when you don’t take them with you. What if their first experience with wakes/funerals occurs with the death of someone in the immediate family?

Also, I think that casket viewing–it doesn’t have to be up close and personal (touching or kissing)–helps children to understand that the deceased won’t be coming back. That’s a difficult concept for the young to grasp, but much better to help them with it than to let them keep wondering why the loved one never returns. As others have posted, it’s a wonderful opportunity to talk about heaven and life eternal. I don’t think, though, that purgatory or hell should be mentioned unless in a carefully worded response to a child’s specific question.

I pray for all of your famly.

 

[Hokomai]

I am sorry to hear about your kids’ Grandpa Triumphguy, and about the pain he endured. In my experience with children around dead bodies, the kids have no real issue with it. There’s a bit of interest, but bodies prepared for burial are not very interesting for kids. I remember one of mine at her first event with an open casket (maybe she was three). I was worried about her reaction, and carefully checked up afterwards. She said she thought it was OK. But she wanted to know what that old man was doing there lying in the bath! It would be different through if the person was close, and I have always talked to mine to prepare them for the reality if death by mentioning some of the facts (fluids have been removed, so the skin looks different; eyes are closed shut; sometimes the nails look long because the fingers reduce in size a little. sometimes the make up can look a bit unnatural. Sometime if they use less the colour can be a bit oddEyes can look a bit sunken. If they touch the skin it will feel surprisingly cold. The body itself is not ‘dirty’ or a source of infection in its prepared state. I think kids find matter-of-fact description about what is actually going on comforting. I hope it is int he end a positive experience for your children, especially the one with Downs. I have usually found Downs people to have a good sense of humour, and I don’t expect it will be absent!

 

[GEddie]

It’s your call, not anybody else’s.

I personally would pray hard about this. Being in a room full of grieving people can be traumatic for children, and there is also the issue that their last memory of GP will then be a memory of death.

I myself would never bring my children, if I had them, to a funeral. “Saying good bye” to someone who is already gone is IMNAAHO not worth it. But, again it is your call.

ICXC NIKA

 

[coachdennis]

Hi, triumphguy. I, too, wish to say that I’m sorry your family is faced with this loss of your loved one.

I agree that you are the ultimate decider as to if the children attend the wake/funeral. I also agree that children are much more resilient than we adults sometimes think.

I have noticed over the years that those who decry letting children attend the wake/funeral are the ones who seem to have the most trouble letting go. Coworkers/friends who were the most adamant were the ones who didn’t have that experience until they were older and the dead person was close enough to them that they couldn’t get out of attending, so, since wakes/funerals were not in their memory banks, they really were traumatized to some extent.

However, coworkers/friends who best handled the deaths of their loved ones were those who’d gone with adults since their early childhood days. They might be saddened and dissolve into tears, but the loss of a loved one is an occasion for sadness. Such an occasion withOUT sadness would indicate some emotional problems in dealing with reality. Those with prior experience in seeing a corpse in a casket and people distraught with grief knew that death was something that we deal with and seemed more emotionally secure than those who were denied that very important life training.

I think that you shortchange your children in failing to prepare them gradually for the deaths of their parents or siblings when you don’t take them with you. What if their first experience with wakes/funerals occurs with the death of someone in the immediate family?

Also, I think that casket viewing–it doesn’t have to be up close and personal (touching or kissing)–helps children to understand that the deceased won’t be coming back. That’s a difficult concept for the young to grasp, but much better to help them with it than to let them keep wondering why the loved one never returns. As others have posted, it’s a wonderful opportunity to talk about heaven and life eternal. I don’t think, though, that purgatory or hell should be mentioned unless in a carefully worded response to a child’s specific question.

I pray for all of your famly.

I am sorry for your loss. I have enjoyed your postings on CAF

This poster pretty much sums up my thoughts. As a parent, you know your children best but death is a part of life and death is not always “pretty.” Parents can only protect children from the ugliness and hurts of life for so long.

A professor I was had said the worst thing we can do to another person is deny them the right to grieve.

You will make the right choice. Trust in the Lord

 

[Phemie]

Condolences to you and your family at this tremendous loss.

I was 4 when both my grandfathers died within 3 months of each other. In both cases the wakes were in the home and in both cases my brother and I (he was 3) were taken to the wake, viewed the bodies and knelt and prayed the Lord’s Prayer and a Hail Mary out loud. I remember doing it, I remember no fear with the first grandfather and a slight fear with the paternal grandfather who was very dark complexioned and of whom I have absolutely no memory except this.

A year later I was taken to the wake of a 7 year old who had been struck by a car. I still remember her in her casket. Wakes were just a fact of life where I came from and not something from which we were sheltered.

That said, my own kids came to the funeral home when their great grandmother and grandmother died, 2 years apart. All 3 categorically refused to enter the viewing room. I didn’t push them. They were 12, 10 & 8 the first time. As far as I can remember, the youngest and oldest attended their great grandmother’s funeral (it was at the funeral home and the casket was closed at this point), the middle child stayed in the ‘living room’ area. I can’t even remember if we had any of them with us at church during MIL’s funeral or if they remained at the house by themselves.

 

[aicirt]

We weren’t sheltered from wakes and funerals either and no one suffered from the experience.

From what I’ve read, children who are excluded from the above apparently grow up resenting that they did not get a chance to say good-bye.

This is what being a part of a family is all about. The children may be nervous about approaching the coffin. Remind them they are there to say a prayer for his soul and also to support their grandmother.

There were many funerals when I was a child. I know I was taken up to all, knelt and said a prayer. I do not remember how they looked. I do remember socializing with all the relatives.

 

[Delaine75]

I wish that the kids’ grandmother would put aside her own “wants” and think of what’s best for the children. I feel that you, as a parent, should make that call – not anyone else. You know your kids better than anyone else, and you know how difficult it may be for them. Sometimes adults forget that, especially in the midst of grieving. If you feel that seeing their grandfather in the coffin would be too much for your children (I don’t think you’re being overprotective, btw), maybe you could take their grandmother aside and speak privately with her about how you don’t want to upset her but that you feel it may be best that the children find another way of saying goodbye.

 

[JRKH]

My kids grandpa died of cancer last Thursday.

The cancer stripped him of every ounce of spare flesh and he died in pain.

My deepest condolences. May he rest in peace…

I saw him a few minutes after he died and he looked shockingly “dead.” Not at all like the person he was.

I know this feeling…I was with my Father when He passed and you are right…he looked “shockingly dead”…but please do not think that this is what he will look like at the funeral. He may not look like his old “robust” self, but he will look much better and mostly like he is just sleeping.

His wife, their grandma, wants my kids to see him in his coffin on Tuesday evening at the funeral home and say goodbye.

I grew up in a close family and funerals were just a part of life…Never saw it as a big deal…

I have a fourteen year old with down syndrome, a 12 year old girl who faints at the sight of blood and a sensitive 7 year old boy.

You know your kids the best, but I see nothing here that would prevent me from taking them.

Now grandma loves the kids very much but she’s got it in her head that she wants them to say “goodbye.” Her sister, who is staying with her during this difficult time and who is a retired ER nurse, thinks it would be “good for them.”

Having them there may be more of support for their Grandma than anything. It’s not like they have to stand around staring at the body for hours.
Normally at these sorts of things, there are so many family and friends and things going on that the kids will do little more than pass by, pause for a quick prayer maybe and move on…

The funeral proper is at the Church on Wednesday.

Tough time…try to support the widow as much as possible. Honestly - I think the less “drama” you make out of it the less drama there will be for the kids…

Maybe I’m wrong and maybe I’m too protective.

WE can’t say for sure…Just offer our own experiences…

Advice or experience anyone?

You might call the funeral director and ask if you can see the prepared body privately ahead of time. Right now you have an image in your mind that is probably quite different from what you and your children would see at the visitation.

May God give you comfort during this difficult time.

Peace
James

 

[AbideWithMe]

Go with what you think is the right thing to do in your circumstances. Some children would not react well to a funeral, but many children are fine. Yours are old enough to understand death. (I don’t know enough about Down syndrome so can’t offer advice on that). However, if they were my kids I wouldn’t want them to see grandpa in the open coffin. They might end up remembering him like that - a dead body- rather than the man whom they loved. I saw my grandma dead (also cancer - she was unrecogniseable) and I couldn’t forget that image for good 10+ years. I struggled to remember her as she was when she was healthy. And I was 25 when she died.

My guess is that grandma is very emotional right now and maybe not thinking straight. She should be handled gently and with much love but that doesn’t mean she gets to decide how your children participate in this and to what extent.

My condolences to you, Triumphguy.

I agree with this from Contra Mundum. I think people are wired to vary significantly in how visually impressionable they are. What may be fine, and even good, for one child can be a real problem for another. You know your children best.

 

[louisak]

Maybe it can help to keep this in perspective if we remember that the practice of embalming the deceased is a recent historical development (what the Egyptians did with the Pharaohs was the exception); therefore what we know as the open-casket wake or ‘visitation’ was unknown to most people, including most Christians throughout history. We have no obligation to consider it “normal” or feel that there is something wrong if some people don’t want that experience.

Personally (and I hope I am not giving offense to anyone here) I think the whole concept of having an open coffin so that people can say “good bye” is a bit wrong-headed. I have twice had the experience, as an adult, of attending an open-casket wake of a person I loved, and in both cases I was vividly aware that the person in question was not there - I was merely viewing a corpse, and the soul of that person (the true object of my love) was already gone. Trying to say “good bye” to the dead body felt unnatural to me and it did nothing to help the grieving process, nor did it inspire me to pray with more fervor for the soul of the deceased.

On the other hand, if the purpose of the viewing is to help the survivors fully grasp the fact that the loved one is dead, especially if the person grieving was not present at the deathbed or during the final illness, I see that there could be a benefit to it - and this might be especially true for children.

Just my two cents.

 

[JRKH]

Maybe it can help to keep this in perspective if we remember that the practice of embalming the deceased is a recent historical development (what the Egyptians did with the Pharaohs was the exception); therefore what we know as the open-casket wake or ‘visitation’ was unknown to most people, including most Christians throughout history. We have no obligation to consider it “normal” or feel that there is something wrong if some people don’t want that experience.

Personally (and I hope I am not giving offense to anyone here) I think the whole concept of having an open coffin so that people can say “good bye” is a bit wrong-headed. I have twice had the experience, as an adult, of attending an open-casket wake of a person I loved, and in both cases I was vividly aware that the person in question was not there - I was merely viewing a corpse, and the soul of that person (the true object of my love) was already gone. Trying to say “good bye” to the dead body felt unnatural to me and it did nothing to help the grieving process, nor did it inspire me to pray with more fervor for the soul of the deceased.

On the other hand, if the purpose of the viewing is to help the survivors fully grasp the fact that the loved one is dead, especially if the person grieving was not present at the deathbed or during the final illness, I see that there could be a benefit to it - and this might be especially true for children.

Just my two cents.

An excellent “two cents” Louisa…

I personally can’t say that I felt any particular “good-bye” aspect either…
That said, I do think that there is something of a positive aspect to a viewing for many people.

Your comment about the “viewing” (open casket) being a more recent development is interesting, but another aspect is that in centuries past, death was much more common and everyone, adult and children alike tended to be more exposed to it in one way or another.
People died at home and children would be around. Some families would want the children to see, even kiss, the corpse before it was removed. Wakes took place right in the house…I sometimes think that in our modern society we are TOO isolated from these things.

Just tossing in another couple of cents…

Peace
James

 

[Aggie414]

One of the earlier posts also reminded me of when my father died. My step-mother was angry because she said my dad didn’t look like himself (at the funeral home). My dad’s best friend was standing next to her and said “He looks like he did before he got sick” – my dad battled cancer for six years. She kind of had to think back to how he looked before he got sick. So it can be a blessing when you look in the coffin of a loved one.

 

[garn9173]

To the OP, i’m sorry about for your loss. Perhaps you can visit the funeral home ahead of time and see how natural your children’s grandpa looks and afterwards based on his apperance (funeral directors do an amazing job on embalming), you can have a talk with your kids ahead of time to see how they feel about seeing their grandpa laying asleep in the casket.

 

[louisak]

Your comment about the “viewing” (open casket) being a more recent development is interesting, but another aspect is that in centuries past, death was much more common and everyone, adult and children alike tended to be more exposed to it in one way or another.
People died at home and children would be around. Some families would want the children to see, even kiss, the corpse before it was removed.

A very good point. Yes, it is probably not a good thing for our society that the process of dying is hidden away in institutions where we don’t have to deal with it.

Even so, there is a real difference between being with the loved one at the moment of death (or shortly after death), and viewing a body which has been injected with formaldehyde, or whatever they use nowadays, to prevent decay. To me there is something creepy about the appearance of an embalmed body.

A minor note, but I assume you didn’t mean it literally when you wrote “death was much more common”… it reminds me of a quote from C.S. Lewis: “100 per cent of us die, and the percentage cannot be increased”.